Zoiks! Online - Music. Stand-up. TV. Film. "Funny Name. Seriously Entertaining.": 2/1/11

“Justin Bieber’s hair could go for millions on ebay.”

Last week, there was a snip heard around the world. That's right, in case you've been living under a rock, teen-pop sensation Justin Bieber clipped his signature locks. The man who quite possibly made the swoop bangs famous, now, no longer has them.

To the fans who may miss his wispy do, Bieber insists it's for a good cause. He appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, and after telling Ellen that her hairstyle inspired his, he gave her a piece of his hair and asked her to "auction it off for charity."

I can only imagine the asking price it's going to go for on ebay. Something tells me some 'tween with rich parents is going to pay top dollar for a piece of Bieber keratin. Of course, if I had more money, I'd probably be bidding right along with them.

BYLINE:

Kate Brindle is a stand-up comedian from Ann Arbor, MI. For more information and for tour dates, visit her at www.katebrindle.com. Email her at hottiepants@zoiksonline.com.

“Josh Groban Announces Tour Dates and Ticket On-Sale Dates for His 2011 ‘Straight To You’ World Tour.”

On Valentine's Day, Josh Groban thrilled fans by announcing the launch of his 2011 World Tour on NBC's The Today Show. Now, the multi-platinum recording artist has announced the North American tour dates and ticket on-sale dates for the "Straight To You" Tour, which visits cities across the U.S. and Canada beginning May 12th in New Orleans. More upcoming dates will be announced soon. For further information, please visit www.joshgroban.com. This is Groban's first full-scale global arena tour since 2007, when the internationally renowned singer and songwriter hit the road for his hugely successful, sold-out 81-city Awake World Tour.

The "Straight To You" Tour will bring the feel of a theater experience to an arena setting through stage design, lighting, and projection, as well as through the spontaneity and interactivity Groban delighted his fans with during last year's "Before We Begin" shows, in which he solicited feedback from the audience on which songs should be included in the set-list. As a result, for the "Straight To You" shows, Groban will continue to interact with audiences and perform favorites from his best-selling albums, including his self-titled debut, Closer, and Awake, as well as songs from Illuminations.

Released by 143/Reprise Records on November 15th, Illuminations debuted at No. 4 on Billboard's Top 200 chart (Groban's fourth consecutive Top 5 chart bow), selling 191,337 units in its first week. Entertainment Weekly declared that "Illuminations might be Groban's handsomest effort yet." USA Today raved: "Illuminations yields glowing music. Sturdy, deeply personal statements, brimming with poignancy." The New York Times also praised the album, saying it "showcases Mr. Groban's songwriting" and "reflects the conviction that gallantry can also be pensive and uncertain."

Groban recently performed the National Anthem at the 60th Annual NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles. He will be a guest-host on Live with Regis & Kelly on March 4th.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"What is Justin Bieber thinking?" – PHOTO CAPTION MONDAY

Join Zoiks! Online every Monday for Caption Monday. Basically there will be a photo of one or two celebrities. You, the reader, have to put words in the participants’ (with bubbles) mouths. Please be tasteful and do not say anything that will make you look stupid. Those comments will be deleted. In other words, let’s have fun with it.

This week: Justin Bieber.

So… what is Justin Bieber thinking/saying?

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are dating, just like Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart."

I’m so excited that teen stars Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have come out as a couple. The pair did so at the Vanity Fair party at the Oscars this last weekend. There was speculation but this is the first public appearance where the two “acted like they liked each other.”

The reason why this is such great news is because it’s rare that two superstars ever hook up in Hollywood. I mean, save for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. I’m sure there are others, but c’mon, this is great news. My question is will Bieber let Gomez mess up his hair? And how long will this last? What do you think? Are they good as a couple?

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Charlie Sheen is not only on drugs, he is also a comedian.”

Charlie Sheen told 20/20, in an interview that will air Tuesday, that he IS on drugs – and that drug is Charlie Sheen. Sheen also said he has one speed – GO! This is the latest round of Charlie Sheen talking about his life – as Charlie Sheen on Charlie Sheen, literally.

I didn't know Charlie Sheen is a comedian as well. That's the funniest thing I've heard today. Sheen should do a public service announcement as part of his lunacy. "Hi, I'm Charlie Sheen. And if you want to be cool like me, then don't do drugs. Because the only drugs I do is Charlie Sheen."

This could also be in Spanish. "Hola, mi nombre es Carlos Estevez…." And the drug that I use is Carlos Estevez, not to be confused with the lighter, yet less famous, drug, known as Emilio Estevez. "The more you know…"

Charlie Sheen really needs to get off the Charlie Sheen, if you know what I mean.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Here are the 2000 Oscars revisited 10 years later if they happened in an alternate universe where justice exists."

Good evening and welcome to Oscars 2000. It's been an extraordinary and unpredictable first year of this new century and we have the movies to prove it. Let's go down to the red carpet for the arrival of some of tonight's biggest stars....

Look, it's 19 year old Natalie Portman aka Queen Amidala in Star Wars. Natalie received fabulous reviews for her work this year in Where the Heart Is. Oh, Natalie is chatting with a nominee tonight for Best Director for Requiem For A Dream Darren Aronofsky, no doubt plotting to work together very soon.

Now making his way down the red carpet, a nominee tonight for Best Supporting Actor in The Contender, Jeff Bridges. Bridges is looking for his third Oscar following wins for his work in Fearless and in the multiple Oscar winner The Big Lebowski. You know, Jeff was telling me last week he's very excited about the chances of working again with his Lebowski directors Joel and Ethan Coen.

Let's go inside the theater where Steve is standing by with a couple young men with a unique job tonight, Steve

Thank you Joan, I'm here inside the theater where seats are filling up with Hollywood stars. Seats that once somebody is called on stage to present or when they win, will need to be filled and a pair of young Hollywood up and comers are tonight here filling the seats, I'm with Jesse Eisenberg from the TV show Get Real and from Freaks & Geeks James Franco, guys good luck tonight, it's not as easy as it looks just filling a seat.

Thanks Steve, back out on the red carpet I see another nominee arriving, the lovely Renee Zellweger, Best Actress nominee for Neil Labute's dark comedy Nurse Betty and who is that gentleman on her arm? Why, I believe that is English actor Colin Firth. Yes, the two of them are taking a break from starring in the adaptation of the bestseller Bridget Jones's Diary in London so they could be here tonight.

Alright well, it's time for the show....

Throughout the night we will be telling you about our 10 Best Picture nominees and first up tonight to introduce our first nominee, a nominee himself, here to introduce Almost Famous, Billy Crudup...

The nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role are....

Jeff Bridges in The Contender
Mark Ruffalo You Can Count on Me
Michael Douglas Traffic
Benicio Del Toro Traffic and
Billy Crudup Almost Famous

And the Oscar goes to....

Benicio Del Toro Traffic

This is a much deserved win for Benicio Del Toro who really owned the screen in the remarkable non-english speaking role of a Mexican cop fighting for his life against Government corruption and drug cartels in Traffic.

Here to introduce our next nominee for Best Picture Best in Show is that film's director and star Christopher Guest....

The nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role are

Kate Hudson Almost Famous
Frances McDormand Almost Famous
Iben Hjelje High Fidelity
Zhang Ziyi Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and
Marcia Gay Harden Pollack

And the Oscar goes to....

Iben Hjelje High Fidelity.

Wow! Our first upset of the night, Hjelje was the heart of a movie that was a critical darling, one of the best reviewed films of the year and a 6 time nominee this evening. She had split many of the Critics Awards with Frances McDormand throughout this season. This could tell us more about what is going to happen the rest of the night.

Here to introduce our next Best Picture nominee is a young actor who is currently preparing to star in the movie Y Tu Mama Tambien, a sure fire future nominee, here to introduce Amores Perros is Gael Garcia Bernal

The nominees for Best Motion Picture Directing are

Darren Aronofsky Requiem for a Dream
Cameron Crowe Almost Famous
Stephen Frears High Fidelity
Curtis Hanson Wonder Boys and
Ang Lee Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

And the Oscar goes to...

Cameron Crowe Almost Famous

Unbelievable! Our second upset of the night as Almost Famous director Cameron Crowe who picked up an Oscar for screenplay early tonight now walks away with Best Director beating out early favorite Ang Lee who's Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon came in as the odds on favorite with 10 nominations.

Here to introduce our next Best Picture nominee is one of our most respected and beloved honored actors and directors, here to introduce our only animated nominee this year, Chicken Run, Mel Gibson.

Aww, long list of dead people, aww awkward amounts of applause for people that are well remembered and awkward silence for those who are not. Aww and back to the show....

Here to introduce our next Best Picture nominee through a translator, from one of three foreign films nominated tonight for Best Picture, introdunce In the Mood For Love is star Maggie Cheung

Wacky musical number, awards for stuff people don't care about and were back

Here to introduce our next Best Picture nominee is a nominee tonight herself for Best Actress, here to introduce Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Michelle Yeoh.

Hey big wins in Cinematography and Editing for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Here to introduce our next Best Picture nominee is an actor who after years of being overlooked and thought of as only a comedy actor, is now rightfully an Oscar nominee here tonight for his lead performance, here to introduce High Fidelity is star John Cusack.

The nominees for Best Actress in a Leading Role are...

Renee Zellweger Nurse Betty
Julia Roberts Erin Brockovich
Maggie Cheung In the Mood For Love
Michelle Yeoh Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and
Laura Linney You Can Count on Me

and the Oscar goes to....

Laura Linney You Can Count on Me.

Can you believe this! What an amazing, unexpected night. You have to feel bad for Julia Roberts, she has won so much throughout this Oscar season, really seen as the favorite to win tonight but you cannot deny that Laura Linney was extraordinary in You Can Count on Me, a film that was sorely overlooked in the Best Picture race this year.

Here to present our next Best Picture nominee is well, not a person so much as a prop. Here to introduce Castaway is Wilson the Volleyball.

Musical numbers YAY!

Here to present our next Best Picture nominee is a young actress with a very bright future unless of course she starts talking to Garry Marshall or Ron Howard, here to introduce Requiem for A Dream, Jennifer Connelly.

The nominees for Best Actor in a Motion Picture are

John Cusack High Fidelity
Tom Hanks Castaway
Ed Harris Pollock
Colin Ferrell Tigerland and
Michael Douglas Wonder Boys

And the Oscar goes to John Cusack High Fidelity

This is John Cusack's first Oscar nomination and win. Not much of a surprise here really, Cusack has dominated this awards season picking up a Critics Choice Movie Award and many other critics award though he was surprised to lose out at the Golden Globes when he was upset by Paul Giamatti for Duets. That doesn't count though as Harvey Weinstein paid for the entire Hollywood Foreign Press to win Grammy's singing karaoke with Giamatti. Money for Nothing if you ask me.

Here to introduce our final Oscar nominee of the night is a man who actually did not star in the movie that he is introducing. In fact, this presenter actually turned down a role that was a contender to be nominated here tonight, the role of a judge that went to Michael Douglas. A man who instead starred alongside Michele Pfeiffer in a god awful movie called What Lie Beneath and who will soo be seen in something called Six Days Seven Nights. Things are not going well for this guy but nevertheless here to introduce Traffic, Harrison Ford.

It's now time for the moment we have all been waiting for: The Nominees for Best Picture are

Almost Famous
Amores Perros
Best in Show
Castaway
Chicken Run
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
High Fidelity
In the Mood For Love
Requiem for A Dream and
Traffic

And the Oscar goes to.....

Remarkable, it's a tie, Almost Famous and High Fidelity.

What an amazing year. Be sure to tune in next year when I bet a movie called Memento directed by an up and comer named Christopher Nolan is going to dominate the show. Thanks for tuning in everybody.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Justin Bieber hates when chicks mess up his hair. What is he, gay?"

“Don’t mess with the hair!”

This is the message the teen pop star wants to convey to anyone who dares touch the do. Such is the case with “The Talk’s” Holly Robinson Peete when she attempted to put a hat on Bieber.

Bieber told the co-host to not touch his hair and quickly tried fixing it. I can understand why Bieber did this; he probably had to sit in a chair while a stylist styled his hair. And being on national television Bieber didn’t want to look like an idiot. Whatever.

So, what is the alternative here?

I think hosts of talk shows should squeeze Bieber’s cheeks. It won’t mess up his hair and Bieber won’t come across as an ass by backing away and saying, “Don’t touch my cheeks.”

Either that, or hosts should bend Bieber over their leg and try burping him like a baby. Again, it doesn’t mess up his hair and he won’t come across as an ass by saying, “Don’t (belch) burp (belch) me.”

Seriously, Bieber needs to realize that he is getting paid millions of dollars for being a sub-par pop star. Who cares if women want to mess up his hair? Would he want men to? I mean, c’mon, let’s not forget what got him here. It’s not like Bieber is going to be around in 10 years. Maybe getting his hair messed up will keep him here. “Fight for forever, Biebs.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Nicolas Cage drives 'Drive Angry 3D' from a fun to a downer." – Movie Review

Didn't Nicolas Cage already play a guy who escaped from hell? What movie was that? Didn't “Con Air” guy escape from hell? What about that “Bangkok Dangerous” hitman character? “Ghost Rider?” I don't remember or really care. Nicolas Cage is the only actor on the planet who could so nonchalantly play a guy who escaped from hell and leave you wondering if he's done it before.

“Drive Angry 3D” stars Nicolas Cage as John Milton and if you get the reference in the name you are not likely the target audience for this movie; an almost delicious bit of irony. Milton, as he prefers to be called, John is just too ordinary, is hunting for a cult leader (Billy Burke) who murdered his daughter and has taken Milton's baby granddaughter hostage with the intent on sacrificing her in order to literally raise hell to earth.

How intent is Milton to save his granddaughter? Well, he literally escaped from hell and to top that off, he stole Satan's very own God Killer shotgun. After torching his own muscle car in order to kill some bad guys, Milton needs a ride. Enter Piper (Amber Heard) who has a 69 Charger and enough bad attitude to match Milton bad guy for bad guy.

Together Milton and Piper set on the cult leader's trail all the while being tracked themselves by a cryptic man in a suit who calls himself 'The Accountant' (William Fichtner). We learn that 'The Accountant' works for the Dark Lord Satan but whether he is out to help or hinder Milton's quest is debatable until the end.

“Drive Angry 3D” is directed with great energy by Patrick Lussier who brought a similar edgy, low brow, ugliness and grit to his remake of “My Bloody Valentine.” Unfortunately, that film was a million times more inventive than anything in “Drive Angry 3D” which plays like a series of car chases broken up by Nicolas Cage grunting ad standing slump shouldered, lost in thoughts none of us could even imagine. Don't get me wrong, there is a heavy amount of kitsch to be mined from Cage in “Drive Angry 3D” but not the so bad its good kind.

Cage brings zero humor to the role of Milton and co-star Amanda Heard is similarly far too earnest for this material. “Drive Angry 3D” cries out for the kind of over the top Nicolas Cage that drove his “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans” to heights of manic, lunatic, craziness. Instead, a subdued Cage in “Drive Angry 3D” cannot make even a scene of fully clothed love making while shooting bad guys work as a comic set piece.

There is a good deal of effort on display in “Drive Angry 3D,” especially from Director Patrick Lussier who deserved better from his star. “Drive Angry 3D” has the elements in place for some seriously B-Movie fun but Cage refuses to have any fun and the movie sinks under the weight of his seriousness.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

“My Oscar Predictions.”

I wish I could write that this year's Oscars were rife with suspense and bubbling with competitive races; but that simply would not be true. Because Oscar hype begins in early November the contenders become clear by the end of December months go by with Oscar voters whispering in the ears of reporters and bloggers who take these whispers and conspire to create a consensus.

That consensus congeals in January and produces a movie, actor, actress, and supporting performer, who are clearly more than just frontrunners. 2011 has become the most predictable year in Oscar history thanks to a series of Guild and Critics Awards and those damn whispers.

Nevertheless, it is part of the job to 'predict' the Oscars even if those predictions are futile and all too simple.

Best Animated Feature

"How to Train Your Dragon" Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois

"The Illusionist" Sylvain Chomet

"Toy Story 3" Lee Unkrich

And the winner is (Duh) Toy Story 3

Best Art Direction

"Alice in Wonderland"

Production Design: Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Karen O'Hara

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1"

Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan

"Inception"

Production Design: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Larry Dias and Doug Mowat

"The King's Speech"

Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Judy Farr

"True Grit"

Production Design: Jess Gonchor; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh

And the winner is Inception

Best Cinematography

"Black Swan" Matthew Libatique

"Inception" Wally Pfister

"The King's Speech" Danny Cohen

"The Social Network" Jeff Cronenweth

"True Grit" Roger Deakins

And the winner is Black Swan Matthew Libatique

Best Costume Design

"Alice in Wonderland" Colleen Atwood

"I Am Love" Antonella Cannarozzi

"The King's Speech" Jenny Beavan

"The Tempest" Sandy Powell

"True Grit" Mary Zophres

And the winner is Alice in Wonderland

Best Documentary Feature

"Exit through the Gift Shop" Banksy and Jaimie D'Cruz

"Gasland" Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic

"Inside Job" Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs

"Restrepo" Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger

"Waste Land" Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley

And the winner is Exit Through the Gift Shop

Best Documentary Short Subject

"Killing in the Name" Jed Rothstein

"Poster Girl" Sara Nesson and Mitchell W. Block

"Strangers No More" Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon

"Sun Come Up" Jennifer Redfearn and Tim Metzger

"The Warriors of Qiugang" Ruby Yang and Thomas Lennon

And the winner is Poster Girl

Best Film Editing

"Black Swan" Andrew Weisblum

"The Fighter" Pamela Martin

"The King's Speech" Tariq Anwar

"127 Hours" Jon Harris

"The Social Network" Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter

And the winner is The King's Speech

Best Foreign Language Film

"Biutiful" Mexico

"Dogtooth" Greece

"In a Better World" Denmark

"Incendies" Canada

"Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)" Algeria

And the winner is Biutiful

Best Makeup

"Barney's Version" Adrien Morot

"The Way Back" Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng

"The Wolfman" Rick Baker and Dave Elsey

And the winner is The Wolfman

Best Original Score

"How to Train Your Dragon" John Powell

"Inception" Hans Zimmer

"The King's Speech" Alexandre Desplat

"127 Hours" A.R. Rahman

"The Social Network" Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

And the winner is The Social Network

Best Original Song

"Coming Home" from "Country Strong" Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey

"I See the Light" from "Tangled" Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater

"If I Rise" from "127 Hours" Music by A.R. Rahman Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong

"We Belong Together" from "Toy Story 3" Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

And the winner is If I Rise from 127 Hours

Best Adapted Screenplay

"127 Hours" Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy

"The Social Network" Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin

"Toy Story 3" Screenplay by Michael Arndt; Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich

"True Grit" Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen

"Winter's Bone" Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

And the winner is The Social Network

Best Original Screenplay

"Another Year" Written by Mike Leigh

"The Fighter" Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson;

Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson

"Inception" Written by Christopher Nolan

"The Kids Are All Right" Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg

"The King's Speech" Screenplay by David Seidler

And the winner is The King's Speech

Best Supporting Actor

Christian Bale in "The Fighter"

John Hawkes in "Winter's Bone"

Jeremy Renner in "The Town"

Mark Ruffalo in "The Kids Are All Right"

Geoffrey Rush in "The King's Speech"

And the winner is Christian Bale The Fighter

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams in "The Fighter"

Helena Bonham Carter in "The King's Speech"

Melissa Leo in "The Fighter"

Hailee Steinfeld in "True Grit"

Jacki Weaver in "Animal Kingdom"

And the winner is Melissa Leo The Fighter

Best Actor

Javier Bardem in "Biutiful"

Jeff Bridges in "True Grit"

Jesse Eisenberg in "The Social Network"

Colin Firth in "The King's Speech"

James Franco in "127 Hours"

And the winner is Colin Firth The King's Speech

Best Actress

Annette Bening in "The Kids Are All Right"

Nicole Kidman in "Rabbit Hole"

Jennifer Lawrence in "Winter's Bone"

Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"

Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine"

And the winner is Natalie Portman Black Swan

Best Picture

"Black Swan" Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers

"The Fighter" David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers

"Inception" Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers

"The Kids Are All Right" Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers

"The King's Speech" Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers

"127 Hours" Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers

"The Social Network" Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers

"Toy Story 3" Darla K. Anderson, Producer

"True Grit" Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers

"Winter's Bone" Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers

And the winner is The King's Speech.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Owen Wilson and 'Hall Pass' are small miracles of outrageously raunchy humor." – Movie Review

Peter and Bobby Farelly haven't been relevant since they rode the public's brief fascination with Jack Black in the early 2000's to a hit with “Shallow Hal.” Since then the brothers have floundered half focused on new material and half obsessed with making a movie about the Three Stooges. The Stooges movie has been gestating since the late 90's with a variety of acting combinations dropping in and out with nothing to show for it.

Finally, the guys who started the man-child comedy revolution with movies like “There's Something About Mary” are back at full strength and making the kind of movie that was their forte. “Hall Pass” is a small miracle of outrageously raunchy humor with a good heart that made ‘Mary,’ “Kingpin” and “Shallow Hal” hits.

Owen Wilson stars in “Hall Pass” as Rick an early 40's father of three happily married for more than 15 years to Maggie (Jenna Fischer). Three kids have taken the spark out of the marriage lately and more and more Maggie is catching Rick lusting after other women like a horny old teenager.

More troubled are Rick and Maggie's best friends Fred (Jason Sudeikis) and Grace (Christina Applegate). They have no kids and no spark; leaving Fred to masturbate in the front seat of their mini-van lest she catch him. (If you're wondering how that bit of information pays off, see the movie.) Rick and Fred commiserate over their troubled love lives at a local coffee shop while lusting after an Aussie barista named Leigh (Nicky Whelan) whose nubile-ness represents everything they fantasize about.

After speaking to a mutual friend “The View's Joy Behar in an unshowy cameo) Maggie and Grace come up with the idea of a Hall Pass. The concept is simple, one week off from marriage to do whatever the guys want, guilt free. Either they will spend the week striking out or they will get whatever cheating they were going to do anyway out of their systems.

This is the kind of simple, straight forward set up that Ron Howard and Vince Vaughn botched in “The Dilemma.” The Farrelly Brothers demonstrate that it takes more than just the idea to make the movie; you need characters and big gags that pay off to really make it work.

Owen Wilson shows a heretofore untapped talent for playing a middle aged dork. Usually cast as the life of the party guy, Wilson slips effortlessly into the role of Rick like one in the long line of 80's rock 'n roll t-shirts Rick thinks is cool. What Rick and Fred think is cool goes along way for laughs in “Hall Pass.”

Jason Sudeikis is a real scene stealer in “Hall Pass;” offering the same kind of randy, goofy, raunch-ridden asides that he brought to his equally funny supporting role in last year's “Going the Distance” with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long. Sudeikis plays a great douchebag but when the role calls for him to morph into a good guy you believe it fully.

The gags in “Hall Pass” range from the classically Farrelly bathroom jokes, including some truly explosive diarrhea, to more self aware stuff reflecting the ways in which guys really talk. A scene taking place in the home of a mutual friend that neither Rick or Fred really like demonstrates that guys can be as catty as women are about the people they envy, they just have a more blunt and colorful way of being catty.

“Hall Pass” is uproariously funny with big gags mixing with strong characters and in the end a believable amount of heart minus the treacle that most other, similar films pack on when they don't have the goods to really earn audience sympathies. The Farrelly Brothers haven't been this funny in over a decade. See “Hall Pass” and rejoice and who knows, maybe that Stooges movie will actually come out someday.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Lions!Tigers!Bears! Launch Pre-Order."

Lions!Tigers!Bears! has launched a pre-order for their upcoming Tragic Hero Records debut, Shallow Waters, Endless Depth out April 26 on Tragic Hero Records. The album can be pre ordered individually or fans have a choice of various bundles that include some killer new Tees! Head over to http://www.merchconnectioninc.com/collections/lions-tigers-bears now to check out the goods!

Based out of Southern California L!T!B! started with like minded individuals who wanted to create music they were passionate about. Over the past two years the group has polished off the sound they set out to achieve. With dedication and determination L!T!B! has come a long way since. The band’s debut album Shallow Waters, Endless Depth was produced by Casey Bates (Chiodos, Foxy Shazam, A Skylit Drive).

Watch for Lions!Tigers!Bears! on The Artery Young Guns Tour with The Air I Breathe, Ten After Two, Scarlett O’Hara and The Plot In You, starting April 1st.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Oscar host James Franco needs every help he can get from Ricky Gervais."

I like James Franco as an actor. As a host, I have zero opinion. That’s because Franco isn’t known for being a host. So when Ricky Gervais reached out to Franco via his blog to which he wrote a sample monologue for the actor to use during his Oscar broadcast, Franco should have been thanking Gervais to no end.

Instead, Franco retaliated by slamming Gervais saying that his Golden Globes hosting was a disaster. Franco questioned why he would need help from Gervais.

No offense to Franco, but Gervais is a brilliant comedian. He’s made careers with “The Office” and his movies are comedic gems. Franco is a great actor – no question. And I understand that he wants to save face and not get ridiculed before the Academy Awards begins, but to deny any help from Gervais is ridiculous.

Thankfully, according to reports, Franco decided to read the sample monologue and reconsidered using some lines, saying that some were actually good. Hello? He’s Ricky Gervais; he’s paid to be good. Franco, my advice? Just read your lines.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Chris Medina Debuts Inspirational New Song 'What Are Words' After Exiting 'American Idol.'" - VIDEO

Fans across America now have the opportunity to show their support for Chris Medina, who left “American Idol” this week. An original song based on his emotional story, “What Are Words,” (19 Recordings/Interscope) written and produced only a few days ago especially for Medina to perform by acclaimed hitmaking songwriter-producer Rodney Jerkins (Michael Jackson, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige), debuted this week, and is available digitally for download. A video, shot this past weekend, just premiered on AOL.com.

A 26-year-old barista from Illinois, Medina captured the hearts of viewers for more than simply his vocal talent. His story of becoming the primary caregiver to his fiancée, Juliana Ramos, who was severely injured in a car accident just months before they were scheduled to wed, won him fans around the country. One of those touched by the story was Jerkins, who was so inspired that he penned “What Are Words” for Medina to record earlier this week.

“To go from a mass audition in Milwaukee to the ‘American Idol’ stage in Hollywood and then to record an original song by and for Rodney Jerkins has been an amazing journey not just for me but for Juliana,” said Medina. “To be able to work in the studio with someone of his stature was a dream come true.”

Added Jerkins: “When I heard the story of Chris and Juliana, the words and music just flowed. Sometimes a song is more than a song and that’s really true with ‘What Are Words.’”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Portugal. The Man Reveals Spring Tour Schedule."

Atlantic recording group Portugal. The Man has announced details of its upcoming North American tour. The schedule begins April 29th at The Roseland Theater in the band’s own Portland, Oregon and then makes stops across the continent including appearances at a number of eagerly awaited music festivals. The trek will culminate at the Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival in Manchester, Tennessee in June. A fan ticket pre-sale will begin on March 1, and tickets will be available to the general public beginning March 4 and 5 (date varies depending on tour date).

For all ticketing information and details, visit http://www.portugaltheman.com/. The Portland-via-Alaska-based band has also slated a series of dates leading up to this year’s SXSW Music & Media Conference in Austin, Texas. Performance details during the festival will be announced shortly. Portugal. The Man will make a number of stops along the way, including appearances at Vail Valley, Colorado’s Snowball Music Festival 2011 on March 6th and Denton, Texas’s annual 35 Conferette on March 13th.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"NightShade's New Album 'Lost In Motion' Out This Spring."

Bullet Tooth is excited to announce the signing of NightShade! The label's first ever band from France will release their new album "Lost In Motion" this Spring followed by a lengthy US tour to follow (dates below). Though the band is located in France, NightShade's singer, Wayne Hudspath, is actually from Ohio. The new album featuring the songs "Rebellion", "Through The Memory", and "A Dream, A Choice, A War" are crushingly heavy but with a spellbinding melodic structure. NightShade's new material has been compared to At The Gates and Children Of Bodom with a contemporary twist. Fans can listen to a two minute teaser of the new album at their Facebook page.

Guitarist and songwriter Bastien Deleule commented on the signing, "Everyone in Nightshade is excited to be working with our new label Bullet Tooth and its owner, Josh Grabelle. We've come to know him well the last few months and his track record with many successful metal acts like It Dies Today, First Blood, Bleeding Through, and more, speaks volumes. We feel confident in the new album and we hope everyone will enjoy listening to them, because we had a great time making them. See you on the road!"

All U.S. dates with Hester Prynne:

Apr 20 - Peabody’s Down Under (Cleveland, OH)
Apr 21 - Broadway Joe's (Buffalo, NY)
Apr 22 - Downtown Quarterback (Endicott, NY)
Apr 23 - Bogie's (Albany, NY)
Apr 24 - Webster Underground Hartford, CT)
Apr 27 - The Backstage at Championship Bar (Trenton, NJ)
Apr 28 - The Silo (Reading, PA)
Apr 29 - Smiling Moose (Pittsburgh, PA)
Apr 30 - Parkstreet Patio (Columbus, OH)
May 01 - Mad Hatter (Covington, KY)
May 03 - The District Skatepark (Evansville, IN)
May 04 - The Muse (Nashville, TN)
May 12 - 321 Local (Cocoa, FL)
May 13 - The Chamber (Daytona Beach, FL)
May 14 - The Talent Farm (Pembroke Pines, FL)
May 17 - The Grunge Bar (Pensacola, FL)
May 20 - Reverb (Tulsa, OK)
May 22 - The Brass Rail (Peoria, IL)
May 24 - Another Hole In The Wall (Steger, IL)
May 25 - Miramar Theatre (Milwaukee, WI)
May 27 - Slowdown (Omaha, NE)
May 28 - Bottleneck (Lawrence, KS)
May 31 - The Mosh Hall (Henryetta, OK)
Jun 02 - Greens Theater (Houston, TX)
Jun 09 - Bricktown Live (Oklahoma City, OK)
Jun 19 - Club 916 (Sacramento, CA)
Jun 28 - Radio Rendezvous (Twin Falls, ID)

NightShade is:

Wayne Hudspath : Vocals
Bastien Deleule : Guitar/Vocals
Paul Fuzinski : Guitar
Jason Mitchell : Bass
Will Clark : Drums

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Marina And The Diamonds Reveals Upcoming US Tour; To Accompany Katy Perry."

Chop Shop/Atlantic Records recording artist Marina And The Diamonds has announced plans for a new series of US live dates. The second leg of her “Burger Queen Tour” begins with April 7th, 8th, and 9th with a three-night-stand at The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas’ Book & Stage. The trek – which includes her first-ever performance at the annual Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival in Indio, California, slated for April 15th – will then traverse the country through a June 21st show at New York City’s Webster Hall.

The very next evening will see Marina And The Diamonds hitting the road as special guest on Katy Perry’s enormously successful “California Dreams Tour.” The North American dates begin June 22nd at Uncasville, Connecticut’s Mohegan Sun Arena and run through mid July. For complete details and ticket information, please visit www.marinaandthediamonds.com/live.htm.

The nom de musique of Marina Diamandis, Marina And The Diamonds made a dazzling chart entry last summer when her extraordinary debut album, “THE FAMILY JEWELS,” burst onto Billboard’s “Top New Artist Albums” chart at #2. The album also received ecstatic coverage in a wide array of US media outlets, including Interview, Fader, Spin, Nylon, Entertainment Weekly, and innumerable others. The New York Times hailed Diamandis’ superior songwriting, stating, “… she’s redefining songs about coming of age, and the aftermath, with bluntness and crafty intelligence.” “’THE FAMILY JEWELS’… delivers alt-pop gems on which she (Marina Diamandis) emerges as the missing link between Lady Gaga and Florence + The Machine,” exclaimed People Magazine in their 3.5 out of 4 star review.

Marina And The Diamonds is currently hard at work recording her anticipated second album, having spent much of 2010 traveling the globe, with countless festival performances and headline tours to her credit. In addition to positive press attention, Marina was among the big winners at last year’s 2010 MTV Europe Music Awards, taking home the prestigious “Best UK & Ireland Act,” while also scoring a nomination as “Best European Act.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Fallstar Announces Release Of Debut Full-Length 'Reconciler. Refiner. Igniter.'"

ComeandLive! will be releasing the highly anticipated full length record “Reconciler. Refiner. Igniter.” from Portland based melodic hardcore act FALLSTAR on March 29th, 2011. The band has been through its share of ups and downs and can attest to the fact that their patience has paid off in a big way. "It was one of the most taxing and emotional processes we've ever been through," says vocalist Chris Ratzlaff. "Knowing that people will hear it now just seems surreal. It was a real fight."

(Photo by Kevin Farris)

The future of FALLSTAR is bright and with the impending release of the record and subsequent extensive touring, there is no doubt that the long wait was well worth it. Choosing to partner with the powerhouse community of musicians, ComeandLive!, FALLSTAR has opted to release the record as a free gift to their fans via comeandlive.com. The record is an eclectic blend of various influences and inspiration, marrying the heavier aspects of the genre with a catchy soaring clean vocal which is filled with a passionate desperation that instinctively puts a smile on the listener's face.

This is not your typical hardcore album.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Moving Mountains Set To Release 'Waves' May 10 On Triple Crown Records."

MOVING MOUNTAINS will release their third album and Triple Crown Records debut, WAVES, on May 10. WAVES is the follow-up to their critically acclaimed FOREWORD EP (Caetera Recordings).

“Our goal with WAVES is to have someone be engaged from the start to the end,” declares Gregory Dunn, singer and guitarist of the Westchester, NY-based ambient rock band.

“When the band first started, a very close friend of mine died,” he continues. “That was the motivation to for all the lyrics on PNEUMAPNEUMA, FOREWORD and now this new album have all been about that…being young and having people around you die, which when you’re young it’s a very strange thing. A lot of it is also my struggle with understanding faith and existence...and just about questioning those ideas--and most importantly--how to overcome that to appreciate what you have,” continues Dunn. (2008 – Deep Elm Records). They’re very figurative and overly metaphorical, because I was embarrassed to talk about it at that time. With this new album, I said to myself that it's the last time that I’m going to write about it, so I’m going to be really blunt, honest and straightforward about the subject.

Like PNEUMA and FOREWORD before it, WAVES was recorded and produced by Gregory Dunn at the band’s home studio. It was mixed by Matt Goldman (Underoath, Copeland, Anberlin) and mastered by longtime MOVING MOUNTAINS collaborator Mike Kalajian.

MOVING MOUNTAINS are currently on the road supporting Biffy Clyro through March 1 before embarking on two weeks of pre-SXSW headline dates with Into It. Over It. In addition to making their debut SXSW appearance (as part of the Topshelf Records/Count Your Lucky Stars Records party on Wednesday, March 16 along with Defeater, Into It. Over It., Caravels, Grown Ups and many more), the band will be performing at Krazy Fest 2011 and this summer on the entire Vans Warped Tour.

The complete track list for WAVES:

1. My Life Is Like A Chase Dream (And I’m Still Having Chase Dreams)
2. Where Two Bodies Lie
3. Tired Tiger
4. The Cascade
5. Once Rendering
6. Always Only For Me
7. Alleviate
8. Parts In Different Places
9. Furnace Woods
10. Full Circle

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Heidi Montag's novel could have same success as Stephenie Meyer, J.K Rowling and Stephen King."

Apparently, Heidi Montag is venturing into the world of authorship with a new supernatural novel she wants to write. In a series of tweets, the often public Montag asked fans that if she wrote a supernatural romance novel, would they read it?

One fan, actor Jason Biggs from “American Pie” fame, responded with an adamant ‘yes.’ The two began tweeting back and forth with Montag informing fans that Biggs would be posing nude for the cover.

This begs the question that if Montag were to write a supernatural romance novel, would it be as successful as a Meyer, Rowling or King book?

(Photo by John M. Heller/Getty Images)

Let’s think about this. Montag’s life is already a supernatural romance story of sorts. Her body is completely plastic (that’s not natural), her link with Spencer Pratt (that’s kind of romantic), and her plastic surgeon’s early death who was texting while driving (that could be interesting).

The novel could revolve around what information is in the series of text messages. Montag and Pratt could be solving the case of hidden fortune inside Montag’s breasts, only to unlock the secret story of a rogue baron who systematically conned Montag’s doctor into placing his jewels inside Montag’s body. But Montag’s doctor got greedy; hence the early death.

If this is something you’d be interested in, retweet this story and post to Facebook.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Charlie Sheen's rant about show's producer puts him in the same nut jobby-ness as Lindsay Lohan. Where's Paris Hilton when you need her?"

If you thought Lindsay Lohan was a problem child, how about Charlie Sheen? The often messed up Sheen, who has been in the news more often than any other celebrity save for Lindsay Lohan, recently forced his show “Two and a Half Men” to cancel the remainder of the season and possibly next year’s season. In the end, it could cost CBS and WB a quarter of a million dollars.

Part of the reason the producers took this route was due to Sheen’s anti-Semitic rant against the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre, to which Sheen referred to him as Chaim Levine, Lorre’s Hebrew name.

Sheen, who also goes by a screen name and was born Carlos Estevez, also said that Lorre only became successful because of Sheen’s wonderful acting. Of course, one could argue that the only reason Sheen became successful was because of his father, Martin Sheen. I mean, “Major League,” “Hot Shots” and “Scary Movie 3?”

Sheen should realize that his life in Hollywood is a blessing. If he were any other schmo working at a fast food restaurant, nobody would give a crap. Of course, the fact he is Charlie Sheen makes this news. I don’t know about you, but I hope Charlie Sheen goes away – for a long time. I’ve never wanted to see Paris Hilton in the news more than I do now.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Robyn Will Join Katy Perry On Summer Tour."

Konichiwa/Cherrytree Records recording artist Robyn will join Katy Perry on the North American run of “The California Dreams Tour 2011.” Robyn will open on 20 dates, including opening night at Gwinnett Arena in Duluth, GA (6/7) and three shows at Nokia Theatre/L.A. Live in Los Angeles (8/5, 6 & 7).

"It’ll be fun touring with Katy Perry,” said Robyn. “She’s a terrific performer and I'm really thankful that's she's invited me to play for her audience."

The New York Times praised Robyn’s recent sold-out show at Radio City Music Hall as “majestic and exuberant,” going on to note: ”songs…that feel frail on record were here steroidal, a triumph of arrangement and vigor. Even the tender ones felt tough, especially the heartbreaking ‘Dancing on My Own.’” “Robyn's live show is traditionally light on theatrics and heavy on hits, and as she's leapt from the 550-person capacity Music Hall of Williamsburg to the city's second-largest venue in just seven months, she hasn't changed the formula a bit,” observed Spin.com.

“Robyn's best songs are like musical heart surgery -- medicine to soothe wounded lovers. The audience screamed along loudest to her most aching anthems ‘Dancing on My Own,’ ‘Indestructible,’ ‘Hang With Me,’ and ‘With Every Heartbeat,’ a quartet of clubby disco tunes built on glimmering synths that describe the wrenching dissolution of relationships and tender beginnings of new ones.”

Body Talk, the third in Robyn’s trilogy of 2010 albums, was hailed as one of the best albums of 2010 by numerous publications, including People, US Weekly, Rolling Stone, Spin and Pitchfork. She recently swept the GRAMMY awards in her native Sweden with four wins and her current single, “Dancing On My Own,” was nominated for a GRAMMY® in the States.

Robyn will return to the States this spring to perform at the Pool at the Cosmopolitan Casino in Las Vegas (4/14) and several festivals, including Coachella (4/15), Sasquatch (5/28) and Bonnaroo (6/12). Tune in to Cherrytree Radio this weekend for the premiere of “The Robyn Radio Special” where she will share her thoughts on the recent tour and getting the chance to play Radio City Music Hall. Visit CherrytreeRecords.com for more info.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Queensryche Currently In The Studio Wrapping Up 'Bob.'"

Geoff Tate, Michael Wilton, Eddie Jackson, Scott Rockenfield and Parker Lundgren - collectively and collaboratively known as the rock band, Queensryche - recently entered the studio to lay down what will be the band's first studio recording since their ambitious American Soldier project in March of 2009.

Due out on Roadrunner/Loud & Proud Records later this spring, the working title of the forthcoming effort is once again "Bob."

"Our very first demo was recorded on a cassette tape by a guy named Bob," explains front man Geoff Tate. "We've kept that tradition ever since and, to this day, put all of our demos in the original case labeled 'Bob' until we actually have an album title."

Very superstitious, indeed.

The project has been a true meeting of the creative minds since it began earlier this year.

And if you think you know "Bob," think again...

The tentative moniker certainly wasn't meant to be a palindrome like Black Sabbath's Live Evil... that's just they way it turned out.

"We'll certainly have the name of the album soon," states Tate. "In the mean time, we hope you're getting ready to welcome 'Bob' into your own, individual rock universe."

Coming soon.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Keyshia Cole Performs at BET Honors 2011." - VIDEO

Keyshia Cole took the stage at BET Honors 2011 for a soulful performance of her song, “Better Me.” Keyshia was among a number of performers, including Yolanda Adams, Ne-Yo, and Trey Songz, to pay homage to the likes of Lonnie G. Bunch III, Jamie Foxx, Herbie Hancock, Iman, Linda Johnson Rice, and Cicely Tyson.

“Better Me,” along with the hit singles “Long Way Down,” “I Ain’t Thru (feat. Nicki Minaj)” and her latest single, “Take Me Away,” can be found on Keyshia’s new album, Calling All Hearts, available in stores and on iTunes now.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Biffy Clyro Wins 2011 Shockwave NME Award."

UK breakthrough band Biffy Clyro won a 2011 Shockwave NME Award for Best Live Band, beating out Arcade Fire and Muse for the honor at the awards ceremony in London yesterday. The band were also nominated for a prestigious Brit Award for Best British Group this year, and have received wide acclaim for their compelling album Only Revolutions, which is nearly double platinum in the UK and has produced three Top 10 singles there.

After a successful East Coast/Midwest headlining run with many sold-out dates, including New York City, Biffy Clyro will be returning stateside this weekend to finish up their headlining tour, which hits Seattle, San Francisco, and finishes up with a sold-out show at the Troubadour in Los Angeles on March 1.

They will also be joining author Mark Danielewski for an intimate performance as part of SPIN Magazine's Liner Notes series at Los Angeles' Bootleg Theater on March 2. Biffy Clyro will return to the States at the end of March for a string of dates supporting Cage the Elephant, followed by a performance at this year's Bamboozle Festival. Be sure to catch these Best Live Band awardees to judge for yourself!

Biffy Clyro US tour dates:

2/26 The Crocodile, Seattle, WA *
2/28 Rickshaw Stop, San Francisco, CA *
3/1 Troubadour, Los Angeles, CA *
3/2 Bootleg Theater, Los Angeles, CA #
3/31 Bogart's, Cincinnati, OH **
4/1 Headliners Music Hall, Louisville, KY **
4/2 Rhythm and Brews, Chattanooga, TN **
4/4 Orange Peel, Asheville, NC **
4/5 Valarium, Knoxville, TN **
4/6 Revolution Music Room, Little Rock, AR **
4/8 George's Majestic Lounge, Fayetteville, AR **
4/9 Blue Note, Columbia, MO **
4/10 Cain's Ballroom, Tulsa, OK **
4/12 Sunshine Theatre, Albuquerque, NM **
4/30 Bamboozle Festival, East Rutherford, NJ ^

* headlining
# SPIN Magazine Liner Notes benefit w/Mark Danielewski
** supporting Cage the Elephant
^ festival

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Indian Security Forces Bracing For Protests." – Humor Column

While anti-government protests in several Arab countries have put security forces throughout the region on high alert, India’s army, police force and other security personnel are also in a state of readiness, as part of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s proactive initiative known as Operation SAPROCS (Strategic Action to Prevent Riots Over Cricket Scores).

India, along with Bangladesh and Sri Lanka, is hosting the cricket World Cup, an event that eclipses the soccer World Cup in terms of number of fans willing to set themselves on fire after a loss.

Cricket isn’t just the No. 1 sport in India, surveys show that it’s also the No. 1 activity of any kind involving one ball or fewer. A recent poll asked male college students to rank their top ten favorite activities and “watching cricket” came second, right behind “playing cricket” and just ahead of “thinking about cricket.”

Cricket has been played in India for almost three centuries and, according to historian Gopal Krishnan, is considered by most Indians to be “the only good thing the British gave us.” Other scholars point to the vital role cricket has played in the country’s progress. Indeed, when angry nationalists demolished statues of British lords in the 1950s, they did so with cricket bats.

Despite the sport’s popularity, India has captured the World Cup only once – way back in 1983, when you had to commit a crime to use a cell phone. Indian fans have watched in anguish as Australia hauled away the last three World Cup trophies. But hopes are high this year, because not only is the Indian team playing at home, they’re the odds-on favorites. Fans are dreaming of victory parades, fireworks displays and a national month of celebration. “It’s a heaven or hell situation,” said cricket writer Manoj Shah. “If our team wins the World Cup, everyone will be in heaven. But if they lose, all hell might break loose.”

That’s where Operation SAPROCS comes into play. A million uniformed men and women will hit the streets of major cities to quell any riots that break out. “One way or the other, a riot is going to happen,” said Mumbai cricket fan Jatin Bhagat. “If we win the World Cup, there will a big riot. If we lose, there will be a bigger riot. Some of my friends are already practicing rioting.”

In the event of an embarrassing loss, the homes of cricket players will be cordoned off by security forces, with an extra buffer provided by members of India’s SPCC (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Cricketers).

Special protection will be given to Mahendra Singh Dhoni, captain of the cricket team, as well as his namesakes, said SPCC spokesman George Abraham. “We have determined that there are 10,568 men named Mahendra Singh Dhoni in Punjab alone and we are offering them protection too.”

SPCC had originally planned to distribute effigies of every cricket player, so that fans could discharge their anger by burning and kicking the effigies. But the plan was shelved following threats of more riots from members of PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Effigies).

Mike Sanders, a global security expert, is also concerned about India’s overall security, with everyone distracted by cricket. “If any country wants to invade India,” he said, “this would be the good time to do it. And if any married women want to fool around, well … the men are too busy!”

Prime Minister Singh took a moment at his regular press briefing to reassure the nation that the security personnel watching over India’s nuclear weapons are not simultaneously watching the World Cup. “We want to eliminate Pakistan,” Singh said, “but only with our bats.”

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.nshima.com/.