Zoiks! Online - Music. Stand-up. TV. Film. "Funny Name. Seriously Entertaining.": 5/1/10

"BP and government should try this on oil spill."

The biggest environmental catastrophe looks like it’s going to go on for a few more months. Almost 20,000 barrels of oil are leaking every day.

The spill is in its 40th plus day and what is being done?

(Photo courtesy of AP)

The top kill operation to plug the hole has failed. Now BP is preparing a containment cap.

We have scientists, chemists, astronauts, doctors and biologists, and politicians, but it takes two farmers to think up something like this:

Can we try this?

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Watch 'Kendra Exposed' free."

With the release of “Kendra Exposed” everywhere on the net, people have been trying to get a copy of the movie for free, instead of having to pay money just to see Kendra Wilkinson getting it on with an ex-boyfriend.

Wilkinson has since reached an agreement with Vivid to receive 50% of the royalties, but with creative and ambitious internet searchers, they are finding the movie at no charge.

Millions of web searchers have been finding a streaming link, only to see it go dead after a couple hours.

How long will this go on? Should Kendra just post the movie for free herself, that way Vivid could get ‘screwed’ like she did?

One thing’s for sure, you have to love ex-boyfriends.

So how do you find it? Just search for it.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"With Guillermo del Toro gone, will Peter Jackson direct 'The Hobbit?'"

The director, whose credits include “Pan’s Labyrinth” and “Hellboy” stepped away from the “Lord of the Rings” prequel because of time. What initially was thought to be a three year commitment ended up being around 6 years.

The films, which include a two-part movie, are scheduled to be released December 2012 and December 2013. Although del Toro is no longer directing the future blockbuster, he will remain on the project as screenwriter. TheOneRing.net stated that del Toro did not want to commit to living in New Zealand for 6 years.

Peter Jackson, executive director of the film, will meet with his team to discuss who should direct “The Hobbit.” He stated that there will be no disruption in the production schedule. You know what that means right? Peter Jackson will direct “The Hobbit.”

Who knows if there is a real reason behind all of this? Could it be a disagreement between the directors? Does del Toro want to make other movies? Or is New Zealand really that bad? What do you think is the real reason behind del Toro’s decision to step down from “The Hobbit?” Who would you rather see direct the movies?

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Internet addicts' baby dies from starvation."

It’s not good being the South Korean couple that was recently convicted of starving their 3-month-old baby to death. It’s not good, not because the two were ridiculously busy with their lives, but rather because they were addicted to an Internet game that, ironically enough, constituted of raising a virtual baby.

The husband, 41-year-old Kim Jae-beom and wife, 25-year-old Kim Yun-jeong, who is currently pregnant, often times played the Internet game up to 10 hours every day. The baby was found dead when the couple returned home from an all night gaming session last September. When the baby was found to have died from malnutrition, the couple hid at a relative’s home.

What is so ridiculous about this story is that if the couple spent as much time raising their real baby instead of a virtual baby, this would not be in the news.

South Korea is considered to be one of the most technology savvy countries. And according to the NY Times, the country has a high risk of Internet addiction. Who knows what impact this will have on the country?

It is unknown if the relative had access to the Internet. It is also unknown if the virtual baby survived.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Miley Cyrus doesn’t get 'Glee.' Who cares?"

Seriously, I don’t watch “Glee” either. If I wanted to reminisce about being in high school, I’d have my retainer stolen.

“Glee” recently used a Miley Cyrus song in one of its episodes. In an interview with “Billboard,” Cyrus responded in regard to the show, “Honestly, musicals? I just can’t.”

She added, “What if this was real life and I was just walking down the street on Rodeo Drive and all of a sudden I just burst into song about how much I love shoes?...It would get you hits on YouTube.”

Why do we care if Cyrus likes the show “Glee?” It’s not for everyone, and honestly, it’s not for the majority of people. The audience that “Glee” has is hardcore and dedicated to the show, but just because Cyrus is in the music industry, it doesn’t mean she has to watch or care for it.

If you’re a “Glee” watcher, I commend you. Because I particularly don’t care to see high school glee clubs singing to get to the Nationals.

What’s next? “Mathlete,” on ABC. A group of math students calculate their odds to get into the biggest tournament a Math student could ever want – Irrationals.

“Glee” will see a decline in ratings and once this happens, big name stars that helped the show get ratings will be too busy to appear. Even Miley Cyrus will decline.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Kendra Wilkinson has two sex tapes. Do I hear three?"

How about four? Sex tape, sex tape, any one else with a sex tape? I feel like I’m at an auction, waiting patiently for each item to be revealed. Do I say something now? Or wait to see if a third tape will surface?

Screw it.

Kendra Wilkinson, who fought so hard when the first sex tape surfaced, finally taking action to receive compensation of up to 50% of royalties, now has to do it again. Apparently, a second tape has come out, this time more graphic and with more partners, and with sex toys.

During the first sex tape release, Wilkinson said that the person involved with her was an ex-boyfriend she thought she was going to marry. So, what’s the excuse now? That she made the second sex tape with a sex toy she thought she was going to keep?

Damn you sex toys. Can’t you keep your lips shut and not release these videos. What I think Wilkinson should do is get all of the sex tapes together, how many there may be, wrap them in a bundle and sell them all together discounted. They would be a nice addition to any guy’s collection.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"50 Cent loses 50 pounds. Still weighs more than Nicole Richie."

50 Cent likes to take his work seriously. So serious that for an upcoming part in a movie, in which he plays a football player with cancer, the rapper lost a drastic amount of weight, going from 214 to 160.

(Courtesy 50 Cent’s Facebook)

Although 160 pounds is still nothing like some of the bony actresses we see on the red carpet, for someone to lose that much weight in a short time is cause for stir. Apparently, 50 Cent used a liquid diet to reach his goal.

In pictures, the rapper looks like one of those kids you send 16 cents a day to raise.

Well, if that’s the case, then maybe we should start calling 50 Cent – 16 Cent.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Kristen Stewart says Twitter effs her over every day."

I just tweeted that Kristen Stewart hates it when people tweet about sitting next to her. Apparently, Stewart does not like people. Or fans for that matter. Well, maybe she likes them, she just doesn’t want them near her, using a cell phone, talking, sleeping, or whatever will drive her bonkers.

In a recent interview, Stewart complained about her fans, how they would be sitting next to her and would tweet that they are sitting next to her. Then, according to the actress, paparazzi show up and well, I guess Stewart just wants to be left alone. She said that it’s annoying.

(Kristen Stewart when she’s not peeved at fans.)

Unfortunately, with the success of “Twilight,” the very series that made her a star and probably made her rich, that’s a difficult thing to ask for. It’s like the chicken and the egg. Without the fans, she’s not famous. With “Twilight” she’s not famous. You can’t have one without the other.

I can understand wanting a little bit of privacy, but c’mon K.Stew, get over it. You’re the hottest thing since slice bread, and in a few years, when the last “Twilight” films hit and eventually leave theaters, you won’t be. Enjoy it now, because you could easily be Megan Fox, who had similar success when the first “Transformers” came out. Look at her now; Fox is being traded in for a lingerie model. (See the story we did here: "Megan Fox could be replaced by a popsicle stick.")

Hey K.Stew, do you want that to happen to you? It could. In ten years, you could be sitting next to someone and that person could tweet, “I’m sitting next to that chick from those vampire movies. Ashley Greene? I think so. Oh well. No, it’s the girl who was traded in for a watch model. K.Stew, that’s it.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Is Glenn Beck an idiot? Or just a Republican."

Why is it when every Republican or conservative who opens his or her mouth and says something, that something often reiterates how idiotic and hypocritical they are? This time around is Glenn Beck. The conservative talk show host blasted the first family with both intelligence and race claims.

Apparently, Beck mocked first daughter Malia Obama for asking her father if he'd managed to stop oil from continuing to spill out into the Gulf of Mexico. Seems like a reasonable question from an 11-year-old. What Beck did, however, instead of answering the question on his radio program, proceeded to imitate Malia in a little girl voice. “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy, did you plug the hole yet? Daddy?”

Beck’s co-host, Pat Gray, responded as if he were the President, “Honey, not yet... Not time yet, honey. Hasn't done enough damage.”

This conversation continued, and later on in the program, Beck attacked the President’s race. “Why do you hate black people so much?” Beck said, still speaking in a little girl voice.

“I'm part white, honey,” Gray responded.

Why is this relevant? Well, first of all, Beck is an idiot. And a hypocrite. And maybe even racist, who knows? But the real reason is because just two days prior, Beck went off on critics of Republican and idiot number 3 (Gray is number 2 in this case) Sarah Palin saying that people should just leave her alone. “Leave people's families alone. I don't think I've ever... We've never done anything but protect families...”

OK. I guess it’s not OK to attack Republican or conservative families. But if you’re a democrat, or black perhaps, it’s pretty OK. And you should do it in a little girl voice.

Beck did apologize but it wasn’t until after heavy criticism from non-idiots. So, what do you think of Beck’s apology? Bogus? Sincere?

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Two-year-old boy Ardi Rizal smokes 40 cigarettes a day."

When I first saw this video, I was like, wow, this kid is smoking cigarettes like it’s going out of style. Most of the reaction that I’ve seen from people is the same: How could his parents let him do that?

Is this a case of bad parenting? Or is it a cultural thing. Some cultures begin drinking at an early age. I am not an expert on Indonesia but could this be a cultural thing?

I wonder if Indonesia has the same rules that my state has regarding smoking indoors. Ardi Rizal is smoking outside. Of course, if he does smoke 40 cigarettes a day, maybe his parents force him to take it outside. I mean, could you imagine the walls inside the hut from all that smoke? If his parents ever try and sell, smoky walls drive the hut’s value down. Maybe this is good parenting. Or at least smart hut ownership.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Lady Gaga dedicates song 'Speechless' to sick grandfather."

During Lady Gaga’s Monster Ball Tour show in Nottingham, England, the singer took time out to show an emotional side by dedicating her song “Speechless” to her ailing grandfather. According to a story at MTV.com, Gaga broke down in tears.

The song, which usually is dedicated to her father, and was also the inspiration behind it, is about phone calls between Gaga and her father. According to the story, "'My mom called me, and I was very depressed. I was on tour and I couldn't leave, so I went into the studio and I wrote this song 'Speechless,' and it's about these phone calls,' she said of discovering her father had declined to seek treatment for a heart condition."

It went on to say, “My dad used to call me after he'd had a few drinks and I wouldn't know what to say. I was speechless and I just feared that I would lose him and I wouldn't be there.”

This time, it was Gaga’s grandfather’s turn. Her father called and requested that she dedicate the song “Speechless” to him. And that’s what she did. “So it's been one of those tough things that my grandpa's too old to come to my show, but I suppose if we sing loud enough, he'll be able to hear us. So this one's for you grandpa.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Heidi Montag moves out of house."

Well, it’s official. Heidi Montag has moved out of the house that she and husband, Spencer Pratt, share.

According to TMZ.com, Montag’s rep says, “Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She's tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career.”

(Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in happier times.)

Apparently, it’s not Montag that is responsible for all of the fake, bad press, it’s her husband Pratt. Soooo, I guess THIS story is Pratt’s fault. Since he controls all the fake bad press.

There’s no telling what’s next for the actress. On Tuesday, Montag tweeted, “I am not Heidi Pratt, I am Heidi Montag.”

In other words, no her first name is not baby, it’s Heidi, Ms. Montag if you’re nasty.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Tom Cruise not dead, just weird."

Here we go again. Another celebrity to have a rumor spread about him that he is dead. Tom Cruise is the beneficiary of an Internet hoax. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your feelings of Cruise, it’s not true.

A bunch of website and blogs announced it, almost like a game of telephone, where a sentence starts out and then it’s told and told until somewhere in the middle it’s messed up and what comes of it is nothing like the original sentence.

Could this be a possible game of telephone gone awry? A very, very, very long game of telephone that has been going on for year and years?

Let’s see:

Tom Cruise is a great actor. Tom Cruise is a Scientologist. Tom Cruise is gay. Tom Cruise is not gay. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a child. Tom Cruise is weird. Suri Cruise still drinks from a bottle at the age of 15 or whatever. Tom Cruise is still weird. Tom Cruise yells at people about psychiatry. Tom Cruise is dead. Tom Cruise is still very weird.

You see? It could happen.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz are pregnant."

I love to hear about celebrity couples having babies - the real way and not by adoption. Not that there's anything wrong with adoption, but the fact that two people actually go through the process of having a baby, and in Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz's case, getting married, it's especially nice to hear.

And with two musically gifted artists having a child, I can only imagine the blood line that this baby will have. And with Keys and Beatz as parents, the name that this baby will have. I'm thinking of something along the line of Piano. Let's think about this. Alicia Keys is a piano player. The baby's name could be Piano Keys Beatz. Talk about a marketing plan that is fool proof.

Just watch. It will happen. Piano Keys Beatz. Or not.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Hayley Williams of Paramore shows viewers more with topless picture."

I never know why entertainers photograph themselves nude or topless, in the case of Paramore singer Hayley Williams. Because no matter what is done to so call 'hide it,' it always ends up on the Internet. And that is what happened to the 21-year-old.

The picture, which was obviously taken by Williams herself, somehow "managed" to get posted on her Twitter account. OK, wait a minute. Let's back up here. How did it get accidentally posted to the Internet? In a tweet, Williams said, "Got hacked."

And I'm sure she did. Really. I'm serious. Well, part of me believes she actually had no part in posting it. But it's a very small part of me. However, taking the picture herself, I'm sure somewhere in the back of Williams' mind she knew it would be leaked to the Internet. And although it was quickly removed, the fact is that blogs all over the world would pick it up and post it.

Now Paramore, specifically Williams, has all this publicity, good or bad. But honestly, if someone were to hack into her Twitter account, how would they know that Williams had a topless photo that she took of herself taken? Unless the "hacker" is really not a hacker at all, but Williams herself.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Kanye West song disses 'SNL.'"

As if Kanye West couldn't get more annoying. The rapper and frequent interrupter recently had a new song called "Power" leaked. In the song, the always newsworthy West disses "SNL" and anyone else that mocks him. Sweet, maybe Zoiks! Online can be a lyric.

"Uh oh, here comes the jokes, I don't wanna have a stroke; no it's not my time, but excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but the best jokes of all time goes to Zoiks! Online."

Hell yeah, that would be awesome.

Also in the song West talks about a car crash, which also occurred not too long ago, in which a wide spread Internet rumor that West died (I wonder if West started the rumor himself?) shocked the world only to find out that it didn't really happen.

But what is significant about this leaked song is the fact that West talks about suicide in a call and response section with singer Dwele. I haven't heard the song, however, I am curious to find out if when Dwele was singing his part, did West chime in and say, The best leaked rap song of all time is "Power" by Kanye West.

Because that would be funny - a song within a song.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Megan Fox could be replaced by a popsicle stick."

It’s pretty sad that Megan Fox’s replacement in the next “Transformers” movie is a no named model, not actress, but model who was once directed by “Transformers” director Michael Bay.

Apparently, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a 23-year-old Victoria’s Secret model, was in a lingerie commercial that Bay directed. I don’t know what news I enjoy more, the fact Fox could more than likely be replaced, if it came down to it, by a popsicle stick with boobs or that Bay once directed a lingerie commercial.

Regardless, Huntington-Whiteley is supposed to play a role opposite of Shia LaBeouf’s character, Sam Witwicky. Not that it would really matter as the franchise has gone downhill just as fast as Megan Fox's career.

We’ll see what happens and if there are popsicle sticks with boobs out there, men wouldn’t notice. That’s because their attention would be focused on boobs, rather than the popsicle stick. “She’s thin, and has a Kool-Aid mustache, but look at the rack on her.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'Prince of Persia' is far from great cinema but for a fast paced summer adventure it’s not bad." – Movie Review

There is little to really hate about “Prince of Persia.” The whole enterprise, aside from the awkward, possibly racist, casting choices, has a breezy afternoon serials vibe to it reminiscent of the goofball humor of Brenden Fraser's first tangle with “The Mummy.” Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't quite pull of daffy charm as Fraser does but he makes up for it with earnestness and strength.

As Dastan, Jake Gyllenhaal tackles a role made famous in an exceptionally popular videogame. “Prince of Persia” follows Dastan's adventure as he made the luck filled journey from street urchin to the adopted son of the King of Persia (Richard Pickup). Alongside his brothers Garsiv (Tony Kebbell) and the future King, Tus (Richard Coyle), Dastan fights to maintain the Kingdom of Persia which extends from Asia all the way to the Mediterranean.

As we join the brothers in action they've arrived at the gates of the holy city of Alamut, where rumor has it weapons are being forged for Persia's enemies. Inside the city awaits Tamina (Gemma Aterton) the guardian of the city and its traditions. Her main charge is protecting an ancient knife that contains the Sands of Time. If the knife falls into the wrong hands it might destroy all mankind.

Naturally, the knife will fall to Dastan while someone among his crew, perhaps his sneaky looking Uncle Nizam (Sir Ben Kingsley) will also pursue the knife and the conflict will divide the brothers and the Kingdom of Persia will fall into peril. Oh, and no points for guessing that Tamina and Dastan are destined to fall in love.

Yes, “Prince of Persia” is far from original but that isn't such a horrible crime because it's also entertaining and lighthearted. Director Mike Newell cleverly keeps things moving fast and doesn't dwell on a plot that is merely window dressing for modest special effects and Jake Gyllenhaal's athletic running, jumping and posing.

As for Mr. Gyllenhaal, he doesn't seem entirely comfortable in such a straightforward hero role. He works hard to bring energy to the part and some wit but you can sense an actor longing for something a little meatier to play. Instead he has minimal dialogue and a romance that adds up to little more than sideways glances, childish bickering and almost kisses leading up to one big kiss.

Just about any actor could have played the “Prince of Persia.” All they needed to do was buff up and work on their delivery of expository dialogue. Gyllenhaal gives it about as much as any other actor could give such a minimalist character. He blends well with the average special effects and is fun to watch kissing Gemma Aterton.

All that said the film breezes by in terrifically forgettable fashion; moving at a pace that keeps you involved and doesn't irritate by pretending to be anything more than a thrill park ride or a videogame. There is no assumed importance, no pretension, just quick paced, good natured, earnest action beats.

In the 30's and 40's audiences paid 25 cents to see a serial not unlike “Prince of Persia.” No, they didn't have modern effects but they did have the same sense of breezy adventure, fast paced action and tame attempts at romance. “Prince of Persia” is far from great cinema but for a fast paced summer adventure it’s not bad.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Hawthorne Heights talks about their 'Skeletons.'" - Interview

The music industry can be a harsh industry. As quickly as it can build you up, it can take it all away. Every band has to face the hard times, but it is only the great bands that can come out standing. Hawthorne Heights is one of those bands that are still standing.

They’re back with a new album called “Skeletons.” I recently got a chance to talk with drummer Eron Bucciarelli and he said that they “poured their heart and soul in this record.” After listening to “Skeletons” which comes out June 1st, I can only say that it certainly sounds like they did. The very first song “Bring You Back” and all the way through the last song “Boy” gave me chills. The album beginning to end is solid; there’s not one weak spot. Definitely check it out when it hits the shelves June 1st.

Q - How would you describe the sound of your new album “Skeletons?”

A - I'd describe it as blend of psychedelic Indian folk, mixed with zydeco infused calypso. In all seriousness, it’s a rock record plain and simple. It’s a blend of us stretching our creative wings mixed with more familiar HH sounding elements.

Q - Why did you name the new album “Skeletons?”

A - After everything we had been through over the last few years we were so beaten down and emotionally defeated. Likewise, everyone in our country had just gone through a similarly traumatic experience with the recession; losing jobs, life savings, their homes, etc. It was almost as if everyone, ourselves included, had a huge wake up call and had to collectively scale everything back, strip things down to the bones and focus only on what was truly important in order to rebuild. We were all reduced to skeletons.

Q - What's your favorite song on the new album and why?

A – “End Of The Underground.” It’s a song we've worked on for a long time. Something about the mood and grandeur of it just appeals to me. 

Q - You guys have had some success, when recording and even now waiting for the release. Is there any anxiety over the album’s success?

A - When we were writing this album we knew we wanted to blow people away, expand our sound and make people realize that we're still here and very much relevant. We were part of a moment that propelled our career much higher than we initially thought was possible and that success caught us off guard. With every triumphant rise, there is an equal and opposite fall from grace. We got arrogant, so some of the reasons for our fall were brought on by our own poor decisions. I think we're out to prove to ourselves that we didn't make a bad decision, because this album we wanted to create was to be so good it would justify our choices and we won't have to live with any regrets and constantly thinking "what if"? So yes, there's a lot of anxiety.

Q - What is the writing process for Hawthorne Heights like? Do you write as a band, are there designated song writers... how do you guys do it?

A - We write as band. One member brings in a part or an outline of a song and we all put our spin on it and shape it to something we're all happy with. For this album there was a lot of demoing, listening, re-writing, re-demoing, repeat for nearly every song. We spent a lot of time and tried our best to look/hear things from an outside perspective so as not to fall victim to thinking our shit don't stink.

Q - Are there any upcoming touring plans?

A - We kick off a full US headlining tour June 2nd. It’s the “Get A Ticket, Get An Album Tour.” As the name implies, when you buy a ticket, you get a digital copy of “Skeletons” with two tour exclusive bonus tracks. Tickets are only $11.

Q - How many songs off of “Skeletons” will make it into your set?

A - We'll be playing at least 3 of the new songs right now. The rest will be oldies!

Q - What are you listening to right now?

A - At the moment, nothing new. I just mowed my lawn yesterday and listened to “Abbey Road” for the first time in a while. That album is so amazing and it bums me out that I'm convinced no label would allow a band to make an album like that nowadays.

Q - What's your most embarrassing on stage moment?

A - Any time you mess something up its embarrassing. Even though 9 times out of 10, the audience doesn't know. Inside you feel horrible.

Q - Who are some of your earliest musical influences?

A - Led Zeppelin, Nirvana, Soundgarden, and then later all things NYHC.

Q - Is there anything else you'd like to add?

A - Please check out our new album “Skeletons.” We poured our hearts and souls into it and it would mean the world to us if you picked up a copy!

Check out Hawthorne Heights at www.myspace.com/hawthorneheights and www.hawthorneheights.com and be sure to pick up the new album “Skeletons,” especially if you’re a Hawthorne Heights fan. You definitely will not be disappointed.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is the Managing Editor of Zoiks! Online. He writes pop culture commentary, does interviews with bands, and reviews music and stand-up concerts. He also administers Zoiks! Online's Facebook page. Follow Bob on twitter at bzerull. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

"Taylor Momsen and The Pretty Reckless confirm EP release date."

Taylor Momsen and The Pretty Reckless have confirmed that they will release their debut EP on June 22nd in the US, Canada and Australia. It will be available at all digital retailers, Hot Topic stores and on Warped Tour 2010 where The Pretty Reckless is slated to perform.

Stay tuned for the official video premiere for "Make Me Wanna Die" coming soon.

EP Track List:

1. Make Me Wanna Die
2. My Medicine
3. Goin' Down
4. Zombie - exclusive track

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Steve Miller talks about new album."

The Steve Miller Band prepares to release “Bingo!” on June 16th, the band's first new album in 17 years. Steve Miller is giving us some insight into the recording of the album.

Featuring a look inside the studio with producer Andy Johns, and some ear candy in the form of "Hey Yeah" and "You Got Me Dizzy," the video shows Steve Miller going through the making of and inspiration behind “Bingo!” an album that industry insiders are already comparing to Miller's 1968 masterpiece “Sailor.”

For the overall feel-good vibe of the forthcoming album, Miller explains, "It's a record to get out and dance and have a good time."

“Bingo!” will be the first of two albums that were recorded together as a complete body of work, with the first out June 16th, and the second of which will be offered next year.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Sandra Bullock are one big happy family."

Well, sort of.

Remember when Bullock handed over the popcorn trophy at the 2009 MTV Music Awards to Pattinson and Stewart for best kiss? Well, apparently, Bullock is the newest celeb to join Ro-Stew, or is it Robsten, fever.

The Oscar winning actress, whose own relationship with nut job husband Jesse James is on the rocks, will once again attend the MTV Movie Awards, this time for 2010 on June 6, 2010.

Coincidentally, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are nominated for the Best Kiss category again this year. Wouldn’t it be surprising if the two walked away with another Best Kiss award handed out by none other than Sandra Bullock?

Let’s see what happens.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'Sex and the City 2' is an attempt to squeeze more money out of a franchise title." – Movie Review

Since I am sure I will have to wield this truth as a weapon against those angry and accusatory after reading this I will get this out of the way: I really liked both the series “Sex and the City” and the first “Sex and the City” movie. The series created four unique and wonderful female characters whose outsized romantic issues were winning and funny.

The film brought each to a new and challenging emotional place in their lives. Our four heroines met these new challenges as adults with humor and sisterhood. The film seemed to me to be the perfect coda as it left these wonderful women in just the right emotional and romantic places in their lives.

It is unfortunate then that producers needed to bring these characters back for another film. It is especially unfortunate that they brought the ladies back without any of the wit, insight, sexuality or romance of even the series least moments. “Sex and the City 2” is little more than an attempt to squeeze more money out of a franchise title.

When last we left Carrie Bradshaw she had made up with Mr. Big and the two were settling into a life together. Two years later it seems the sparkle has dimmed. Big wishes to spend all of their time on their new luxury couch watching old black and white movies. Carrie meanwhile longs for the glamour of her old life.

Samantha (Kim Cattrall) meanwhile is fighting off the march of time. At 52 years old she has turned to a drug regimen that would shame your average 70's rock band in order to maintain her youth and vitality. She remains a force in her business as her PR has turned ex-flame Smith Jarrett into an international superstar.

Charlotte (Kristen Davis) has two baby girls that are slowly driving her insane, though she feels horrible admitting it. Worse yet are her fears about her new nanny (Alice Eve) and her penchant for going bra-less while playing with the kids, a sight that has not gone unnoticed by Charlotte's husband Harry (Evan Handler).

Finally Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) is dealing with a rude boss at her law firm. She is being dismissed by him for being strong woman with strong opinions and the boss is busily making her miserable with constant emails and phone calls. Should she simply quit the job she has worked so hard for?

(Photo courtesy of Craig Blankenhorn)

These are the new ‘challenges’ (Ha) for our longtime friends and the solution given to each is a week’s paid vacation in Abu Dhabi where Carrie soothes her bored soul with a flirtation with an old flame. Samantha finds herself without her drug regimen but still in rare form thanks to a new romance with an age appropriate man.

As for Charlotte and Miranda, the screenplay really doesn't have much to offer them after they arrive in the Middle East. Miranda has a few moments of wit while Charlotte is left to pray for a cell phone signal that will allow her track Harry and the nanny even though the film has zero interest in creating any real tension in Charlotte's marriage.

The Abu Dhabi portion of the film, shot on location in Morocco, is a massive waste of celluloid. The women engage in mindless consumption against a desert background. They go out of their way to offend the locals while writer-director Michael Patrick King fails to create one Middle Eastern character of any resonance. Carrie's reunion, spoiled in the trailers and commercials, is a false dramatic device that goes nowhere as the real focus seems to be ugly, over the top opulence.

All of the wit and style of “Sex and the City” seems to have been sucked out of the sequel. This is well attested by the opening 20 minutes of the film spent at the wedding of Carrie's gay best friend Stanford (Willie Garson) and Anthony (Mario Cantone). Where once “Sex and the City” was cutting edge in understanding and existing within gay culture things have deteriorated into stereotype and decrepit gay pop culture references.

Where the issues crafted for the first “Sex and the City” movie revealed interesting new things about these four wonderful women and challenged them to face life in ways they'd never had to before, “Sex and the City 2” has no real interest in finding new ways to reveal and challenge them.

A massive groaning bore of a movie, “Sex and the City 2” disgraces the series and the first film by wasting the talent of all involved and 2 hours and 20 minutes of the lives of loyal fans who will attend the film out of love and loyalty to these characters and find themselves slapped in the face by what appears to be nothing more than an excuse for all involved to take a Middle Eastern vacation together.

No insight, little romance and a complete lack of the wit that made these characters so dear to us, “Sex and the City 2” rots out loud. Writer-director Michael Patrick King seems to have forgotten entirely what made this franchise so wonderful. Sure the cast and crew got an expensive vacation out of the deal but what’s in it for us?

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Lindsay Lohan could use her alcohol bracelet to set trends."

If you haven’t been keeping up on your TMZ or Perez Hilton (or if you’ve spent too much time paying attention to the trivial, fluffy news of the world like the BP oil spill), allow me to catch you up. Lindsay Lohan, fresh off a party-fest week in Cannes (complete with her usual falling-down-drunk antics), has been ordered by a California judge to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring bracelet. She will also be required to submit to random drug-testing before her next court appearance on July 6.

According to SCRAM’s official website, the “anklet” (which is soon to be a must-have item for every fashionable, wannabe-celebutante preteen) “captures transdermal alcohol readings by sampling the insensible perspiration collected from the air above the skin.” Wow! Looks like Ms. Lohan won’t even be able to take Nyquil. Oh, the humanity!

It got me wondering though, what if there were monitoring-device bracelets for other bad decisions? Lord help college students if there was a bracelet that could detect one-night stands. Personally, I’m pretty thankful there’s never been a bracelet invented to detect Facebook-stalking or reading People magazine for hours at a time while consuming endless amounts of chocolate.

While part of me feels sympathetic for LiLo and other folks who are sentenced to wear these “accessories,” I think the real tragedy is that the general public didn’t get to see the court hearing play out on national television. Can you imagine if Judge Judy got a hold of Lindsay? Something tells me she’d be ordered to wear one bracelet on her wrist and one over her mouth. I’d TiVo the heck out of that! And of course, I’d watch it on repeat for hours at a time while consuming endless amounts of chocolate.

BYLINE:

Kate Brindle is a stand-up comedian from Ann Arbor, MI. For more information and for tour dates, visit her at www.katebrindle.com.

"New 'Eclipse' TV spot."

There is a new TV spot airing in promotion of the June 30th release of "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse." The short commercial primarily uses images we've already seen in the other trailers previously released. That's not to say it's not worth viewing!

I could watch the same images re-edited 20,000 different ways if you let me. Is that why they call me a Twi-hard? Probably.

Anyway, enjoy the new 30 second TV spot for "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse."

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.