Zoiks! Online - Music. Stand-up. TV. Film. "Funny Name. Seriously Entertaining.": 3/1/10

"Miley Cyrus has the talent in 'The Last Song.'" – Movie Review

Miley 'Hannah Montana' Cyrus, Nicholas 'schmaltz-merchant' Sparks and the family friendly folks at Disney are a combination that invites snark, that malicious form of discontent expressed in sometimes angry, often biting sarcasm. Each of these three properties has earned their fair share of derision with weak in the knees pandering to the most simplistic of audience expectations.

That said, I will attempt to fight back the snarky beast waiting to strike the new Miley, Sparks, Disney movie “The Last Song” which, under the direction of newcomer Julie Ann Robinson, is not really deserving of the cannon fodder snark aimed in its direction.

Ronnie Miller (Miley) is a recent High School grad forced to leave New York behind for her Dad Steve's (Greg Kinnear) beach house in Georgia for the summer before she goes off to, well, at the moment, nowhere.

Though Ronnie has been accepted to Julliard she has no plans of going; she gave up music several years ago when her parents split. Ronnie's main goal will be to do her time at dad’s and get back to her friends and her mild rebellion in New York. Along for the ride is Ronnie's little brother Jonah (Bobby Coleman) who, lucky for dad, is much more enthusiastic about the summer sojourn.

While avoiding her dad, Ronnie encounters Will (Liam Hemsworth) and after some required tension the two begin a romance that begins to lead everyone to a better place. That is of course until the typical elements of a Nicholas Sparks melodrama emerge to submerge the story in hokum, predictability and a tragic passing. It wouldn't be Nicholas Sparks’ film if none of the principles weren't on the verge of croaksville. (Damn you snarkmonster!)

Sparks's script, commissioned by Disney specifically as a vehicle for Ms. Cyrus, is the weakest element of what is otherwise a rather charming little melodrama. Sparks cannot resist applying his trite formula of teen angst, overblown dramatics and cancer to the story and that leaves director Julie Ann Robinson room only to navigate around the many potholes created by Sparks and co-screenwriter Jeff Van Wie. In a rather remarkable turn of events, for the first 2 acts of “The Last Song” Ms. Robinson actually pulls it off.

“The Last Song” with a little mystery involving Dad's background, moves stiffly but effectively to Ronnie's unhappiness with the situation to her opening up to the surroundings, in the form of saving sea turtle eggs on the beach from predators and into her charming and effective romance with the too handsome Will. Through it all Ms. Cyrus pitches her performance at just the right level of teenage rebellion and little girl petulance.

The final act sadly coheres to the typicality’s of the Nicholas Sparks brand of forced drama and earns the first of more than few groans. I should point out that on my patented Nicholas Sparks groan-meter “The Last Song” was a mere 6 groaner where his last effort, “Dear John,” was somewhere in the 30 to 35 range. So, that's quite an improvement really. (Snark!)

Even with the dithering final act, “The Last Song” remains a charming little teenage romance that demonstrates that when under the guiding hand of a director who cares, Miley Cyrus has the talent to deliver something more than her pop star persona. The performance here is genuine and enjoyable and where I was once skeptical and dubious of Miley's acting aspirations I now must admit she may just have a future in film yet.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Searching for Kip Winger's perm. Hello Greg Brady's."

I grew up in the ‘80’s, listening to hair bands and monster guitar solos. The fancy, melodic guitar solos were why I decided to play guitar. I used to think that great guitar playing stopped with the Aqua Net era. Now, in 2010, solos seem to be coming back.

One of my favorite guitar players was Reb Beach, from the band Winger. The band’s biggest hit was “Seventeen.” Its solo was so fantastically awesome that I still can’t play it today. But like the quarterbacks of football teams, the only ones that ever received attention were lead singers. So, having said that, I wanted to be Kip Winger, the front man to which the band was named.

I figured, he played guitar (kind of), and that is what I held on to as justification purposes of getting, what I thought at the time, a kick ass Kip Winger perm. I remember cutting out a picture of Kip Winger from a “Metal Edge” magazine I had purchased at the local 7-11.

For a long time, like the scene in “Rocky IV,” where Rocky had a picture of Ivan Drago pinned up on his mirror as a reminder of what Drago did to his best friend Creed, I Scotch taped Kip Winger’s pic on my mirror, building up the courage to make an appointment at the local hair salon. My mother suggested a fancy one called JC Penney's. So that is where I went.

Once I did, with Kip Winger’s perm picture in tow, I headed out to a clandestine meeting with Vera, the hair “stylist” who had worked at Penney’s for 3 years, as indicated by her badge. I thought, “Well, she IS a professional. I can see her credentials on her badge.”

So, I sat in the chair and let her do her magic. I say magic because hair “stylists” like to ACT like they are magicians. The entire time, your back is to the mirror while she dances around you with sticky fingers filled with gel of some sort, only to swing your chair around and say, TADA!” When you look up at yourself, the displayed satisfaction always comes to fruition in the form of a tip and a smile. Then, once you exit the premises, you bitch to yourself while fixing your hair in the rear view mirror, only to make an appointment with her again in 5 weeks.

During the perm debacle, I held on to this picture dreaming, hoping that I, too, would look like Kip Winger. I thought, “My guitar, my perm, that’s right, all the chicks would dig me.”

I should’ve known better of the result when I sat next to an elderly woman with rollers in her hair and a huge popcorn bowl on top of her head. But I was so mesmerized by what I would look like I didn’t even pay attention to what transpired up to this moment. Think Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” as he stared at the Red Ryder BB gun.

Rewinding back to when I first arrived, the stylist asked, “What can we do for you today?” I must say that my hair was long, almost down to my ribs. I handed her the picture and said, “I want to look like Kip Winger.” She said, “ALL RIGHT,” with fake enthusiasm knowing that she was going to squeeze out at least $40 dollars from me. In her mind, actually, was probably something similar to, “another perm.”

When I returned to the chair, positioned so my back would be to the mirror, my thoughts saying over and over, “This is it, this is it,” I could not wait until Kip Winger’s perm was a reality.

With excitement, the stylist said, “THIS is it,” in an overly enthusiastic feign in her voice.

Like a really bad magic trick, waiting for that TADA moment, she swung me around, so that I can see my Kip Winger perm. I looked up, a big smile on my face quickly turning to disgust, and said, “This is IT?”

“What do you think?” she asked.

I thought, “I look like Greg Brady.” My perm, keep in mind my hair was once down to my ribs, was so high and so thick, that when I turned my head, there was a 2 second delay for my hair to turn with me. While I was turning my head left, my perm was still looking straight for 2 seconds.

Needless to say, I never did get that Kip Winger perm, nor did I get any girls. And what made matters worse, it was right about the time of senior high school pictures. I was, forever stamped, as Greg Brady.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"If you dare Craig Shoemaker, he may just end up naked in a mall fountain."

Every now and then a comedian comes around and tells you something that you won’t believe. In Craig Shoemaker’s case, it wasn’t the time he swam naked in a mall fountain on a dare; rather it was creating ‘Laughter Heals,’ a program for people battling and suffering from cancer and other life threatening diseases.

Q – You’ve been doing stand-up for a while now, like 20 years. Do you ever get tired of the traveling and promoting part of it?

A - Depends when you ask me but on this particular day, I’d say yes I am tired of traveling. I’d much rather enjoy moments like yesterday when I got to witness my five year old play baseball and receive the game ball.

Q – How do you keep yourself busy and out of trouble on the road?

A - I’m far past the days of walking the malls and hitting on waitresses after the show. I stay focused on the numerous entrepreneurial efforts as well as writing to satisfy the many creative outlets.

Q – Are there any crazy or embarrassing road stories you’d like to share?

A - Back in the 80’s when dumpy road condos were in vogue, I shared the stage and bunkhouse with Jeff Garlin, Ben Creed and John Mulrooney. We were bored in Ft. Lauderdale and spent a day challenging one another for who could perform the greatest dare in a mall. I swam naked in the fountain (and the comics stole my clothes). Mulrooney put an entire doll in his mouth and halfway down his throat. Garlin bought a magnum condom, blew it up at the cashier’s area, asked for a pen, popped the balloon and said, “My dick would shred this thing.” Ben Creed put on a woman’s evening gown complete with plunging neckline, walked out of the store and set the alarm off. Still don’t remember who won, maybe you can decide?

Q – A lot of comedians find themselves on TV or in film. You have an extensive acting background, being involved in huge films like “Pleasantville” and “Scream 2.” How did you get involved in acting?

A - Actually, I was an actor before becoming a comedian. Although sometimes the results weren’t so great. In college I got many of the lead roles because I was one of few who could sing that didn’t appear “disinterested” in having a leading lady. One time I had to sing a song that is one of the most difficult for a male to sing. “Something’s Coming” from Westside story. Made the mistake of getting drunk and my nerves led to me peeing my pants as the song began. This might have been the start of my comedy career because I had never heard laughter like that before. As the spot light operator zoomed in on the growing “spot” on my beige pants, a comedy career was born.

Q –How do you balance your time between acting and stand-up?

A - Well, considering how few acting parts there are with all of the trash reality, I don’t have to think too much about balance. There’s so little out there when I go in for an audition for a guest star role, I’m competing against guys I used to watch in their own TV series.

Q – Aside from stand-up and acting, you’ve done some producing and writing. Do you prepare differently for each medium?

A - Not really. Whatever the creative outlet, the process is the same. I clear away the blocks and let it flow. Which could manifest into a film, a live show, TV series, or just making people laugh at dinner.

Q – What’s your secret to staying funny for so long?

A - I think there are many but the most important to continue to develop a sense of self. Whatever the medium, the more I know who I am, the more truthful the product. If I’m grounded in that truth and share from it on stage, I’ll continue to get better and hopefully they’ll still come to see me.

Q – I read in your bio that you created a forum, ‘Laughter Heals,’ where you combine stand-up into an uplifting seminar and humanistic forum to help those battling and suffering from cancer and other life threatening diseases to use the gift of laughter for self -healing universal wellness. How and why did this come about?

A - Actually we don’t really use stand-up but have developed programs where there are no punch lines but merely is a guidance into another way of thinking and being. We train other “FUNcilitators” where no comedy background is required. Also, ‘Laughter Heals’ is for everyone because we all have something that prevents us from true wholeness, happiness and wellness. I was inspired by many incidents, actions, and experiences but the one that really pushed me through the gate was when I became a caregiver for one of my best friends battling brain cancer. I saw the conditions that he had to endure while trying to get through this difficult prognosis and pain. These stale and stagnant aftercare facilities offer very little inspiration to live. Since laughter has always been such a huge part in his life, I decided to commit changing some of these paradigms and start some programs that encourage us to help our minds, body, and spirit through any and all difficulties. Laughter’s the best medicine, just open up and say, “Haaaaaa!”

For more on Craig Shoemaker, visit his Facebook Fan Page at: Facebook Fan page (www.facebook.com/craigshoemakerfanpage). “Also as a result of wanting better gifts to give to people (whether sick or not) we created TheLaughterStore.com, which offers thousands of CDs, DVDs, and gag gifts to make you grin, giggle, and guffaw. There you will also find all of my stand-up and feature films,” said Shoemaker. “Also I’m rereleasing some comedy albums (“Son of a Lovemaster” and “Lovemaster’s Greatest Bits”) on iTunes right now.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'American Idol's' Jason Castro works at The Gap."

“American Idol’s” Jason Castro has just premiered the first episode of the new season of his web series, “That's What I'm Here For: Everyday Castro.” This season takes fans on a journey that explores what Jason’s life might have been like had he not appeared on “American Idol,” to which the result was a record deal.

The first episode of season two finds the singer/songwriter giving retail a try as he learns the in’s and out’s of working at The Gap. New episodes air every Tuesday at JasonCastroMusic.com.

Check out a taste of the first episode here: “Jason Castro works at The GAP.”

With his rich tenor voice, exotic looks and charm, Jason Castro won millions of viewers over as a contestant on the seventh season of American Idol, parlaying his substantial singer-songwriter appeal into a third-place runner-up finish.

Although he did not win the competition, the 22-year-old Texas native earned himself a devoted fan base eager to hear what he would do once freed to perform his own songs. Those fans will get their chance with the release of Castro’s self-titled debut album, which comes out on April 13th.

Castro also announced his first ever headlining tour in support of his self-titled album. Check out dates below to see when he's heading to a city near you.

APRIL

17 - Dallas, TX - The Loft
22 - Phoenix, AZ - Chasers
23 - San Diego, CA - House of Blues
25 - Los Angeles, CA - The Troubadour
27 - Kansas City, MO - Bottleneck Blues Bar
28 - Chicago, IL - Lincoln Hall
30 - Detroit, MI - Pike Room

MAY

1 - Cleveland, OH - Grog Shop
2 - Columbus, OH - The Basement
3 - Orlando, FL - Walt Disney World
4 - Atlanta, GA - Vinyl
6 - Nashville, TN - Rocketown
8 - Clearwater, FL - Capitol Theatre
12 - New York, NY - Joe’s Pub
13 - Vienna, VA - Jammin Java
15 - Boston, MA - Café 939
16 - Philadelphia, PA - The Note

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"LOST: Episode Recap - 'The Package.'"

The most recent LOST episode of this fateful final season, "The Package," did indeed deliver. Kind of like a UPS driver dropping a brown box at your door step, huh? In this case the delivery truck driver was Charles Widmore and the brown box held a heavily doped up Desmond Hume. I can sign for that! But really, it was a long awkward process getting good old Des back to the island. The episode was a Sun and Jin episode and was full of little goodies for us to chew on. For starters sideways Sun and Jin are not married! SAY WHAAT?! And then there's dead-behind-the-eyes Sayid to interest us as well! So let's grab the box cutters and open up our little package, shall we?

Some very interesting shizz went down on the beach last night. Sun's encounter with Fake Locke was particularly interesting I thought. The nice thing about Sun is that she's not falling for Flocke's tricks and even though she wants to see Jin again she wasn't listening to Flocke when he said he would take her to him. Good thing she didn't go with him because while Flocke was away Jin was being taken by the Widmore followers! So Sun ran from Flocke, sensing his creepy vibe I guess, and ran straight into a tree. While she was running and Flocke was chasing her I thought "what's Flocke going to do once he catches her?" I still wonder this. What was his plan? Was he going to flop on top of her and say "really, I'm a nice guy, just come with me." I doubt that! Would Flocke have taken Sun by force? Probably! What's more is that Jin is equally leery of Flocke, he had told Sawyer he was planning to run off into the jungle. So Sun and Jin seem to be pretty in tuned with each other post-H-bomb!

In sideways life Sun and Jin aren't married, but how did their little Sidney to LA jaunt begin? In flashbacks this was their belated honeymoon. So what now? Well we found out in the end of the episode that Sun's dad had planned to have Jin whacked by our favorite mercenary buddy Keamy. Keamy showed up at Sun's hotel room door and worked his badassery getting Jin and Sun to give him the watch but hey? Where was the $25,000 he was supposed to get as well? That's when we found out Sun wasn't as sneaky as she thought and her papa had cleaned out her "secret" bank account! We find out through Keamy that the plan all along has been for him to kill Jin because no one is supposed to get involved with the bosses daughter! Rut-ro!! Que savior Sayid from the episode "Sundown" where we saw him help Jin escape. And really, like duck tape would keep Jin down?! NAW!

In non-sideways Island land lots of weird character clashing happened. Well not from Kate. Kate just kind of sat in the background last night. But first we see Sayid complaining a little to Flocke that he couldn't feel anything, not pain, not anything. Flocke replied by saying it would "help you get through what's coming." So did Flocke slip Sayid some sort of voodoo Percocet? It's so interesting watching Flocke now after last week's episode! I wonder what kind of extra powers he might have. If Jacob could grant Richard eternal life then couldn't Flocke maybe have the powers to keep Sayid from having the emotions to keep him from doing some bad things? Bad things that Flocke wanted done? Here let me just grant you the ability to be void of all emotion and feeling and you'll have no trouble killing this little group of people.

After the darts and the kidnapping of Jin we went back to the beach to where Ilana, Ben, Jack, Sun, et al have been hanging out. Ben was trying to be all "Richards not coming back Ilana" and Ilana was all "Jacob has never lied to me before. If he says Richard knows what to do than Richard knows what to do. He'll come back and until then we wait." That pissed Sun off - check mango stabbing! Sun is just not cooperating with people these days! A far cry from the demure lady who showed up on this island back in 2004! (yes it's been that long).

Not only was Sun not cooperating she wasn't talking either. At least not in English. Her skirmish with the papaya tree knocked her unconscious and apparently took her ability to speak English. She could still understand it when spoken to but not speak it. Odd? Yes. Jack (oh, he's practicing medicine again! yeah!) explains this as totally having a technical medical term and everything (what? I didn't write it down? Sorry, you know where to send the hate mail). Basically her English should come back after some time. I loved the scene later on the beach where Jack gives Sun the paper to write on. Now she can write in English and still communicate. It was a great moment when Sun took Jacks hand and said she did trust him. Very Jacob like actions Jack! You'll be a shoe in!

Back off the beach, over at camp Crazy Pants, the moment Claire was chatting with Flocke was really freaky! Flocke explains to Claire that he needs Kate's help getting him off the island but once her roll in that is over "Whatever happens, happens". Uh, so you're really saying "Claire, feel free to kill Kate but please wait until I'm done using her to escape!" Claire's kind of nuts but I think she was smart enough to read between the lines and pick up what Flocke was putting down! Uh, oh Kate!

One of the best parts of the night came after Flocke returned to find that his camp Crazy Pants people had been darted! (that's a new noun, I just invented it). The exchange between him and Sawyer was great! Sawyer: "What do you need a boat for? Can't you just turn into smoke and fly your ass over the water?" Flocke: "Do you think if I could do that I would still be on this island?" Sawyer: "No, because that would be ridiculous!" Absolutely perfect. Because I think a lot of us are wondering to ourselves some days "Is this LOST obsession just ridiculous? Or is there really something more to this shit?" You're not wondering that? Oh, it's just me?

Jin spent a few minutes in Room 23 (brought back memories of Karl didn't it!). Soon the crazy lady with the glasses got Jin out and he had some quality time with Widmore. Widmore did a good thing building up his rep with Jin by showing him Sun's digital camera. It was totally touching when Jin got to see his daughter for the first time! But I was mostly struck by Widmore declaring that Jin help him keep Flocke from leaving the island because if Flocke were to get off "Everyone we know and love would simply cease to be." Really? That's interesting! Like just POOF gone?

"The Package" was full of great quotes but the greatest came when Flocke did go to the Hydra Island and finally confronted Widmore. (btw, those of us speculating that Widmore and Flocke were in cahoots just lost one point!) Widmore lies to Flocke and says that he doesn't have Jin and Flock says the best line of the night: "A wise man once said that war was coming to this island. I think it just got here." BOO-YAH! And I think you are right my little Flocky friend! Because Widmore's got a secret weapon! One by the name of Desmond Hume!

The last scene of the night was probably the most anticipated one of recent episodes. What or who has been locked up in the sub by Widmore and his people? When dead-behind-the-eyes Sayid swam up to watch a man being dragged out of the sub he got to look straight into the eyes of our Scottish pal Desmond! What will Desmond's purpose be in next week’s episode? Hopefully some Keamy like ass kicking. But Desmond was never really a fighter so that's likely just my imagination getting carried away. But really, wouldn't it be fun to see someone beat the daylights out of Flocke? He's getting on my nerves! Until next week LOSTies!

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"Facing up to an addiction of Facebook."

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the “Heroin Addiction Department (HAD),” the “Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)” and the “Bingo Addiction Department (BAD).” Then she spotted the department she was looking for: “Facebook Addiction Department (FAD).”

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, “I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows.”

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.”

“I just don’t understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the ‘like’ button.”

“How long has it been?”

“Almost five minutes. That’s like five months in the real world.”

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

“Please have a seat, Edna,” he said with a warm smile. “And tell me how it all started.”

“Well, it’s all my grandson’s fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book.”

“How soon were you hooked?”

“Faster than you can say ‘create a profile.’ I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day – and more times at night. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India. My husband didn’t like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced.”

“What do you like most about Facebook?”

“It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I’m even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya.”

“Who’s he?”

“I don’t know, but he’s got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous.”

“Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see.”

“Oh yes. I’ve even connected with some of the gals from high school – I still call them ‘gals.’ I hadn’t heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who’s retired, who’s still working, and who’s had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they’ve been on vacation, which movies they’ve watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I’ve also been playing a game with some of them.”

“Let me guess. Farmville?”

“No, Mafia Wars. I’m a Hitman. No one messes with Edna.”

“Wouldn’t you rather meet some of your friends in person?”

“No, not really. It’s so much easier on Facebook. We don’t need to gussy ourselves up. We don’t need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That’s the best thing about Facebook – you can’t smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I’m pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration.”

“What pic are you using?”

“Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn’t find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon.”

“To make yourself look prettier?”

“No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That’s what I’m using.”

“Didn’t your friends notice that you look different?”

“Some of them did, but I just told them I’ve been doing lots of yoga.”

“When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?”

“I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: ‘I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.’”

“What did you do?”

“What else? I unfriended him of course!”

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com.

"Ricky Martin is gay? This just in: 'No shit!'"

Earlier today, what a whole lotta people in America thought to be true, actually “came out,” literally, to be true. That’s right, Ricky Martin announced that he was gay. He did this on his website in English and Spanish. Martin said he was blessed to be a fortunate homosexual man. In Spanglish I’m guessing it was something similar to this: “Me gay-o.”

OK, my question is, why is it such a big deal for someone to come out of the closet?

It seems that when Rosie did, to which it really wasn’t a surprise that she did, she became nuts. I mean, crazy nuts. Her hairstyle went from normal to crazy side-hawk lesbian style. And she appeared to become mean to anyone who wasn’t gay, such as Kelly Ripa for supposedly being a homophobe.

When Ellen came out, she did so on her hit sitcom. And once she did, her sitcom ended. And look at Clay Aiken. When he came out, his music career, well, it did, uh… OK, that was a bad example.

Is it that much of a stigma for celebrities to come out of the closet when most of America already believe they were gay anyway? I’m sorry, I love Ellen. I think she is one of the most talented comedians working today and you’ll never catch her drunk or doped up or in a compromising position with her long time lover Portia de Rossi.

Her talk show isn’t about sexuality, just like Ricky Martin’s music isn’t about being gay. Although I had an idea, a huge idea, (I mean, Richard Simmons has a better cover up) that Ricky Martin was gay, his sexual preference never made me think differently about him. I was never a big fan of his music, but it’s not like I’m going to dislike him or his music any more.

So, again, why is this news?

One person, however, was happy for Martin. Perez Hilton said, “Finally!” As if this was already assumed. Hopefully, people won’t go crazy the same way Clay Aiken fans did when they found out about his coming out of the closet.

According to an AP story regarding Aiken’s coming out: “Meanwhile, the Aiken fan site ClayManiacs was open for viewing. Response in a thread on the site’s “ShoutBox” was generally supportive, though at least one fan was shaken by Aiken’s public confession.

“This is really shocking news as I had no idea he was gay,” read a comment posted by “Sheridansq.” “And now I have to deal with this. I am not sure what to say to people who know I was a fan. ... I didn’t go to work today and am not answering the telephone.””

If the fan who posted this couldn’t read between the lines with Aiken, how would he react if say, Brett Favre or Shaquille O’Neal came out to say they were gay? Would he put his hands over his ears, close his eyes and go, “LA LA LA LA LA LA, I’M NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA LA LA?”

What’s he saying now about Ricky Martin? I mean, is he on suicide watch? We’ll see what Martin fans will think. Will they be living la vida loca?

In my opinion, I think people should take things for what they are. Why care so much about a celebrity’s sexuality, when you, the consumer, are buying into this person as an entertainer? I mean, if Shaq ever came out and said he liked men, it would explain a lot about why basketball players are always slapping each other on the ass.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"A new 'Twilight' book? YES PLEASE!"

It was reported on perezhilton.com today that “Twilight” mega-author Stephanie Meyer has written a new book based on a vamp in the third book in the series, “Eclipse.” The new book, being called a "novella" (I hate that btw) is titled “The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.”

Bree, as most Twi-hards like myself will remember, was one of the newly created vamps made by Victoria. Bree was part of Vicky's army (yeah, I can use nicknames, we're pretty good friends) the army she created to help her destroy Bella while Edward watched. (Ooh so much evil drama. I love it!) Bree had a very short role in the book, as evident by the title of the ‘novella’ about her; she dies at the end of the big hot fight between Victoria's army and... well... everyone else (vamps and wolves alike).

I won't go into too much more detail about Bree in case you didn't read “Eclipse” (although I did just tell you she DIES) but I find it interesting that this little role gets her own book.

So Twi-hards, are we interested in this? My reflex judgment says, “NO.” But as the minutes pass I become more curious about it. I was pretty into the “Twilight” books. Duh - that's how I became the resident Twi-hard of this website! So I think it's pretty important I read this book when it is released on June 5th.

And even though I'm scheduled to have a baby on June 8th (no joke) I bet I can have that read and in the can by then. So my more thought-out judgment is, “YES, I'll read it.” Yeah, I'd rather Stephanie Meyer finish “Midnight Sun” and give us some quality Edward time but this'll do. How about you? Will you bite? Is there another character you'd rather read a ‘novella’ about?

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"Sandra Bullock divorcing Jesse. I say it's ABOUT TIME!"

Reports are surfacing today that Sandra Bullock is taking steps to go forward with a divorce from Jesse James. “She’s had enough,” claims the source. “She’s ending the marriage.” Lord knows the woman has enough basis to file, her hubs has four reported mistresses that have come forward in recent days. One really just had to wonder when Sandra would decide to divorce. Plenty of Hollywood couples split over lesser quibbles but four affairs is pretty steep! Add the pressure of the public eye and how would you ever come back from a scandal like this? I don't think it's possible.

Frankly at a certain point as a woman you have to put your foot down and be like "hell to the naw!" I have always hated it when women stand by their men during times like this. Take politician's wives for example! New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer had records of being a client for a known prostitution ring and that man’s wife stood next to him when he publicly resigned from office. As a wife and woman in general this pissed me off! Take a stand lady! Show your daughters that you respect yourself. Your husband may not respect you any but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. I think marriage is something to take very seriously but by both people. If one throws that out the window you can't hold a marriage together all alone. And that means it's time to take the best care of yourself possible.

I wish more women in the public eye would come forward to stand against this sort of treatment against women. Young girls out there should know this is not acceptable behavior in a marriage. I know this is not as serious as physical abuse but it's still wrong. If my husband cheated on me I'd leave his ass faster than Michelle "Bombshell" McGee can get a swastika tattooed on her ass cheek! If he cheated on me with four women I'd take a baseball bat to his favorite car/boat/motorcycle and THEN I'd go file for divorce. Is that really the adult thing to do? Probably not. But it sure would feel good! So to Sandra Bullock I say "here, here!" Take that Oscar and shove it up Jesse James’ ASS!

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"It pays to be Ellen DeGeneres. Anna Nicole Smith? Not so much."

The other day we saw Anna Nicole Smith's estate awarded none of her geriatric ex-husband's $300 million fortune, and a lesbian teenager given $30K by Ellen DeGeneres.

It pays to be a lesbian, I guess.

A gold digger, not so much.

Of course, both deserved what they did or didn't get, pretty much. Almost everyone knew Anna Nicole was a blow-up doll for hire when she married a multi-millionaire with one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

I don't have anything against either person - they were both adults, and unless he was completely senile, he knew the score as much as she did. She was essentially a prostitute being paid to keep him happy for his remaining days. They had, written or unwritten, an agreement, and if they both kept their sides of the bargain, good for them. They weren't hurting anyone else, and they were both happy with their own agreement, however warped it was. So, whatever.

During the time they were married I'm sure she wanted for very little, and after he died and up to the point she died, I’m guessing she was comfortable as well. Certainly as comfortable as someone with her limited talents and skill sets should be karmically afforded in a world where geniuses die paupers.

However, the thing is, she's dead. And she's the one who had the agreement with the old guy. It wasn't Larry Birkhead or their kid or any of the other people that make up her estate. It was her. She was the one who had to pork the old guy. Not you, Larry. So why should her estate get any of ole dude's money? Why shouldn't the money go to his heirs and estate? Why not, indeed, thought the judge, and the check was cut to them. Go get a job, Larry.

Speaking of checks being cut, on the other hand, we have this lesbian teen, Constance something, who was banned from going to her prom in Mississippi because she's a lesbian and wanted to take her girlfriend.

Pretty shocking.

After all, Mississippi has such a reputation for tolerance and open-mindedness.

Anyway, it still astounds me as to why anyone gives two craps about gays and gay couples and gay marriage. They're not hurting anyone else, and in fact, they're making things easier on straights by eliminating competition. And let's face it, I'm sure the prospect of two teen girls making out at a prom was just absolutely horrid to all the teen boys attending. Yeah, I'm sure they're all broken up about that visual being removed from the equation.

But apparently someone's panties got up in a knot about it, because the girl was banned from the prom, the prom got canceled, and the protest went nationwide, with everyone predictably getting worked up about something that has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the media distracting them from marching upon Washington and Wall St. with pitchforks and torches to overthrow the assholes who have completely screwed our economy and our country.

Thank God for them that Ellen DeGeneres has stepped in to continue the debate on a national level by giving this girl a check for $30,000, apparently to assuage her hurt feelings.

Thirty grand?

Cripes.

Why wasn't I a Mississippi lesbian when I was in high school? I could've used that money for college!

Hell, I could use that money now. How about it, Ellen? I'm completely distraught and discombobulated by this whole thing. So much so that I couldn't remember the Constance girl's last name. Doesn't that at least merit $10 G's?

Ten cents?

Okay, I'll take it.

More than you got, Birkhead, you tool.

BYLINE:

Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and his website: www.getyourgoodnews.com.

"I am Sandra Bullock and he is Jesse James."

The guy in the crapper next to me is talking on the phone while taking a dump. Let’s call him Jesse James, and his turds could be each mistress, with the hardest one to come out of his ass being Michelle McGee.

What’s funny about this is that he’s talking to his granddaughter, who, from the conversation, did not make the soccer team. The guy, Jesse James, in between each mistress, consoles her with each strain of his ass muscles. Underneath him, I can hear the water splashing up on his cheeks, giving Jesse James some discomfort. Let’s call the water splashing the media.

And I’m Sandra Bullock, giving an Oscar performance, acting like I’m OK with this. I’m not laughing; rather I’m shaking, like you wouldn’t believe, trying to hold in laughter with my mouth opened and my eyes watering. But the watering could be from my not laughing or the stench, I can’t tell.

What makes this an even more not awesome situation is the man is telling her that if he could right now, he’d wrap his arms around her and give her a hug. Let’s call the granddaughter James’ real kids.

I text my friend what’s happening. He replies with: “You’re texting, he’s talking, is anyone whistling?”

Here he is, Jesse James is trying to unload a mistress while the media is giving him discomfort and his sobbing children are looking for comfort, all the while Sandra Bullock is finding everything out underneath’s Jesse James’ nose.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t take it and finally lost it, laughing harder than I have ever laughed in my life. It’s now the worst performance ever. Let’s call my laughter “All About Steve.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"The Final Four - Anyone have a quarter?"

It’s been perhaps the most insane tournament in recent memory, with upsets all the way through and all the way to the top of the field with Kansas falling to Northern Iowa on one of the shots that required the biggest onions of all time. There have been no clear favorites and no clear underdogs and while chalk has at times prevailed – Duke - it has at times not - Butler. So now we’re near to the end and all just hoping we can catch our breath before the finals next weekend. Brackets are busted all across the country and so people are reevaluating and trying to figure out who has a legitimate shot to win. And the answer to that is easy:

Anyone.

So instead of trying to figure out who will win such an unpredictable tournament and take the most coveted place in college sports, here are the reasons each team could succeed. And the reasons they could fail.

Butler:

Butler, for the first time ever in the Final Four and representing the unheralded Horizon League, looked tremendous against powerhouse K-State. They shot well and played inside well and were tenacious on defense right down to the closing minutes when they stole the ball multiple times from K-State star Denis Clemente. They also knocked off Syracuse, the one-seed in their bracket. They don’t need to do much else to prove they can take on number five Michigan State, especially when State is playing without their leader in Kalin Lucas, out with an Achilles injury. But there are certainly reasons they could lose. They don’t have a powerful force under the basket. They beat K-State, but K-State was coming off of a double-overtime game against Xavier and it showed in the sloppy play as they grew tired at the end. And, it is their first time this far. The pressure could prove to be too much as they go up against a better well-rested team in Michigan State.

Michigan State:

I can no longer find any reason to bet against Tom Izzo. His Spartans were not all that good this year, playing inconsistently at best. Now, his best player in Kalin Lucas is out for the year. And still, here they are in the Final Four, just finding a way to win. Korie Lucious did it against Maryland with a walk-off three. Raymar Morgan did it against Tennessee with a free throw. If the game is close, Izzo gets his players in a position to win when they should lose. It is their sixth Final Four in twelve years. I know they are not as hot as Butler and playing without Lucas, but they have found a way to win every time and Izzo could very well do it again on Saturday.

Duke:

Duke was considered by many to be the weakest of the one seeds, and is now the only one left. As with Michigan State, much of it is coaching. Coach K is one of the best in the game and he has gotten them to win repeatedly. They can shoot the three well and when Singler or Scheyer get hot there is not much a defense can do. They do admittedly have an easy road to the Final Four; it could be that they have been coasting against weak competition. But they beat Baylor despite Singler’s sloppy play and if they play well, they can beat anyone.

West Virginia:

They looked very good when they beat Kentucky. Mazzulla was terrific. They shot the three flawlessly in the first half and then took it inside when Kentucky tried to adjust. They were fast and just played with a sense of confidence that was admirable and can often propel an underpowered team to a win. That said, Kentucky was horrible. They could have won the game if they had either made their free throws or made their threes. I felt that, as good as West Virginia looked and as much as they did to win, Kentucky gave them the game. They won’t get that from Duke, and they need to be ready.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

"See OneRepublic and Bon Jovi in concert."

Two of the biggest bands, then and now, hit the stage at the soon-to-be-opened New Meadowlands Stadium. OneRepublic, joined by Train and Gavin DeGraw, were just announced as special guests for a series of inaugural concerts for Bon Jovi's “The Circle World Tour.”

Catch Ryan, Zach, Eddie, Drew and Brent rocking the crowd on Saturday, May 29th. “Waking Up,” the follow-up to OneRepublic's “Dreaming Out Loud” debut, is available on iTunes now featuring the single “All the Right Moves.”

With the songwriting of Ryan Tedder, OneRepublic’s song “Apologize” catapulted the band into stardom. And although this was really the first taste of OneRepublic to audiences everywhere, the group had actually existed nearly 5 years prior, touring smaller venues. Having been helped by more than 4 million digital downloads, OneRepublic is now one of the biggest bands in music today. And now, playing dates with Bon Jovi, the biggest band in the 80’s and ‘90’s, OneRepublic’s name is cemented in music history.

For tour dates, go to: http://www.onerepublic.net/events/

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Free Lifehouse 'Smoke & Mirrors' CD and poster."

Only 12 days left to win a CD/poster combo pack which includes Lifehouse’s new CD, “Smoke & Mirrors.” Enter today as contest ends on April 9, 2010. That's next Friday!

Are you a fan of Lifehouse? The band hit it big in 2000 with the song “Hanging by a Moment.” The guys are back with their new release. Zoiks! Online wants to celebrate “Smoke & Mirrors” by giving away a copy of the CD and poster.

The rules?

Now until April 9th. You can win a CD and poster of the band's new release. Just post a comment with your favorite Lifehouse song and why you love it. Email your comment to jason @ zoiksonline.com so we can get in touch with you. The winning post will win a CD/poster combo pack.

Too embarrassed to post a comment? Email your entry to jason @ zoiksonline.com.

See original post here: http://www.zoiksonline.com/2010/03/lifehouses-smoke-mirrors-debuts-at-6-on.html

Also, be sure to join Zoiks! Online’s Facebook fan page for future contests and new articles and interviews.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"If you ask the band Dirty Sweet, they still have yet to be discovered."

The phrase “hardest working band in rock” gets used a lot. Usually the term gets labeled on established bands that tour a lot. I do not doubt that these bands work hard, but they probably only work hard compared to other rock stars. I recently got a chance to check out a band called Dirty Sweet. These guys have definitely earned that phrase. I got to listen to their new album “American Spiritual.” Instantly I loved it. They are a band that is hard to describe musically. The closest comparison would be Kings of Leon meet The Black Crowes. The quality of sound and the tone that this band has is so professional it sounds like they’ve been doing this for years.

The band also has two music videos which you can check out at their website http://www.dirtysweetmusic.com/. These videos are so professionally done and artistic that you’d think they brought in a big name music video director to direct them. Truth of the matter is that the videos cost next to nothing to make (in fact one of them actually cost nothing). The bands album they actually financed themselves. Everything they’ve done thus far has been because of “sheer will power and determination.” All of this I learned after interviewing Dirty Sweet guitarist Nathan Beale. I already loved the band, but now I have a much better appreciation for them.

Q – How was SXSW this year?

A - It was pretty awesome. We did like six shows in probably like four days or something like that. It was a lot of fun as always. It was also hard work especially doing two shows a day. It’s cool to be able to see that many bands and it is fun to play lots of cool shows.

Q – I got a chance to listen to your album “American Spiritual” and I love the sound you guys have. How would you describe your album?

A – The album? Geez I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it.

Q – Is it a concept album, there seems to be a constant theme?

A – Yeah I guess it does. It was sort of built up from living in this country for the last decade or so. Just kind of seeing the way things are going. It focuses on a lot of issues such as politics and war. So I guess there was sort of a concept. In the beginning I think we had an idea of making a concept album that had this apocalyptic vision of the future, completely in the science fiction realm, not necessarily like we were trying to prophesize anything. It just never worked out that way as most big ideas never do. So what we had was all the left over songs. It feels like an anthem for this country in a sense.

Q – Do you have a favorite song on the album?

A – I would say my favorite song to play is “You’ve Been Warned” because it’s fun and pretty bouncy. If I was going to listen to a song on the album it’d probably be “Marionette” or the title track “American Spiritual.”

Q – I saw both of your music videos and I really liked them a lot. What was the music video process like?

A – Those particular ones were pretty different. For a band like us who doesn’t have a lot of money backing anything we do, we got a little help from our friends and their charity (laughs). Luckily we have some friends that are really good directors. So it worked out that we were able to make music videos on the cheap and have them come out looking like big budget professional things. For instance for “Marionette” we went out to the dessert to an old western town and shot that for two days. Everyone dressed up in full western gear and we got to play with guns and do fake stunts to make it look like a fake western made in the 1960s.

The other video off the new album (“You’ve Been Warned”), we went into a film school in Pasadena and shot that over the course of about eight hours. We used their storage area. We emptied it out and tried to make it look like an insane asylum.

Q – That’s impressive. Those videos look very professional.

A – Yeah they turned out great we’re all very happy with them. The “You’ve Been Warned” video cost us zero dollars and the “Marionette” cost us a little bit more than that but most of it went towards renting the ranch. It was basically just really dedicated people donating their time for free and it was just amazing for us.

Q – When you write a song do you guys just get in a room and jam until a song comes out or do you have a designated songwriter in the band, or how do you come up with your songs?

A – It is all different. Some of the songs on the album that’s exactly how it’d happen, we’d all be sitting in a room and jamming something. Then you know the bassist would start playing a riff and we’d be like cool keep playing that and it would work itself out. There are other songs where I’ll write them with Ryan. We’ll demo them at my house, record them on the acoustic and bring them to the band that way. It just all depends; I’d say the album is about half and half. Half the songs were written by the band and the other half were written by me or me and Ryan.

Q – Are there any touring plans coming up?

A – Oh yeah, we’re leaving this Saturday and flying to London. We’re going to be in Europe for seven weeks. We’re pretty excited about that.

Q – How did the band get together?

A – We started back in 2004ish. Everyone is from different areas and somehow we all ended up in San Diego. I had been friends with Chris, our drummer, for years. I moved from Detroit, Michigan to San Diego because I was looking for a little bit of a change, to get away from the winters there. Our singer Ryan is from Spokane, Washington. He’d been living in San Diego. It was a bunch of little chance meetings. He ended up in a restaurant with our old guitar player who was looking for a singer. It wasn’t really planned out. In the beginning the goal was to put together a band and play rock n roll music. I don’t think there were any more aspirations than that.

Q – How did you guys get discovered?

A – (laughs) I still don’t think we’re discovered. I guess I don’t know what that means. We’re not on a major label or anything. We’ve just been doing it ourselves and trying to forge ahead. Everything we’ve done we’ve pretty much done on our own through shear will power and determination. We’ve been doing this for awhile now. We finance our own records, record them ourselves. It’s a self motivated business and that’s where we’re at with it.

Q – Who are some of your early musical influence?

A – Me personally, we’re all pretty different, I can only speak for myself. My first musical influences when I was like four years old would be The Rolling Stones and Michael Jackson. Those were my two favorite bands. The Police, The Who. I was always into Motown, I grew up in Detroit and you’d hear that shit on the radio all the time. The Beatles, I just like a lot of classic stuff. Anything that’s good. When I first started to play guitar Metallica and Nirvana were huge influences for me. There were a lot of different influences.

Q – What are you listening to right now?

A – I’m listening to your voice (laughs). Right now I’m listening to pretty mellow stuff, like Bob Dylan, I was going for a pretty mellow wake up. I might kick it into high gear later tonight.

Q – What would you say has been the highlight of your bands career so far?

A – I got a feeling this tour of Europe is going to be it, aside from that this last year we had a really cool summer. We played Lollapalooza. We didn’t know what to expect, we had a pretty early slot and we ended up playing for probably three to five thousand people, it was pretty rad. The Bonnaroo festival we played the same summer that was really cool. All these types of big festivals are really fun because not only do you get to a chance to play for a lot of people. , but you get to hang out for the weekend and see some really great bands, that’s kind of inspiring to see other big acts and other different types of music.

Q – If you could go on tour with anybody who would you want to go out with?

A – I don’t know. It doesn’t matter at this point, anybody that would take us. Kings of Leon would be awesome. The Rolling Stones, of course that might be kind of hard opening for The Rolling Stones, we’d probably get booed off stage. Anybody that has a crowd that would be into our music. At this point we’re looking for more fans, so if we could play to more rock minded people the better.

Q – What’s your most embarrassing on stage moment?

A – It wasn’t embarrassing, just more anxiety ridden. Whenever you go to Europe you have to rent amplifiers, so we rented the amplifiers, and before we rented the amplifiers we didn’t get a chance to try them out to make sure they were working properly. Our first show over there was a festival in front of about seven thousand people. In those festival situations you don’t ever get a sound check, you just go on and you have about ten minutes to get your shit ready and play. So I get up there and I’m not getting any sound out of my amplifier and I’m starting to stress out about it because we have about three minutes before we’re suppose to start the set. So I switch to the backup amplifier and that didn’t work. So then I find out that the speaker cable going from the amp to the cabinet was bad. So I fix that and then plug back into my pedal board and I still wasn’t getting any sound. After I lifted about twenty cables out of my pedal board I found out I had a bad cable going to my pedal board. Not only did I have a bad cable going to my amp, but I had a bad cable going to my pedal board. It literally took me about twenty-five minutes to figure this out in front of seven thousand people who were waiting for us to play, so it was kind of stressful. Needless to say I took a big healthy pull off a bottle of Jack Daniels when we got off the stage.

I very happy I got a chance to sit down and talk with Nathan. I really like Dirty Sweet a lot. Definitely check out their new album on Acetate Records called “American Spiritual.” The album hits stores on April 6th. Make a trip over to their website and check out their music videos too, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is the Managing Editor of Zoiks! Online. He writes pop culture commentary, does interviews with bands, and reviews music and stand-up concerts. He also administers Zoiks! Online's Facebook page. Follow Bob on twitter at bzerull. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

“Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush splitting up is the best thing for America."

Apparently, we have a Twitter problem in America. We can’t go one second without tweeting or following a person on Twitter. It’s an obvious situation now that celebrity waste of space, Kim Kardashian, and Super Bowl champion Reggie Bush, have taken to the Twitter-waves to “not” discuss their recent rumored split.

I guess Bush was accused of cheating on Kardashian with a blonde waitress, while Kardashian was accused of cheating on Bush with Wayne Bridge. According to Bush’s tweets, he said: 'January is a long time friend of mine & has been dating my best friend for 6 months. Sorry! Lol!'

And: 'ALL THE LADIES, STEP RIGHT UP! If you would like to be the next person linked to dating Reggie Bush all you gotta do is stand next to him!!!'

Not to be outdone, the queen of nothing to do Kardashian retorted with: 'Who the hell is Wayne Bridge? LOL Someone please fill me in because I have no clue!'

Meanwhile, Wayne Bridge and the blonde waitress are out there tweeting: ‘OMG, we are now famous. People know my name.’

And millions of tweeters across America are tweeting as we speak.

Of course, I would’ve tweeted this as well, but it was more than 140 characters.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"A band in Kansas becomes Abandon Kansas."

I’m always wondering how bands pick their names. It’s like a tattoo – once you decide it will stick with you forever. That’s how I feel about Prince. It will always be Prince and the Revolution, no matter how many times he changes. The same with John Cougar. When I found out about Abandon Kansas’ name origin, it made me want to learn more. Jeremy Spring, vocalist for the group, recently stopped by to chat.

Q – Where did the name Abandon Kansas come from?

A - The band name is a joke that my roommate came up with in college. It’s a play on words, supposed to sound like “a band in Kansas”. No deep meaning and no hatred for our home state, we really enjoy Kansas.

Q – What would you say is the band’s greatest strength in terms of being successful?

A - We have paid our dues on the road, playing 250+ dates a year the last three years. We love playing music and we enjoy doing it every night possible across the country. At all of those we love connecting with people, sharing a meal with them, and crashing on their floors. We may not have the biggest fan base, but we have such a massive family across the states that it makes touring a big reunion. Another strength that has helped us is our ability to walk the line between churches and clubs. We write music that is accessible to most all age groups and walks of faith.

Q – Who are the members of the band and what does each bring to Abandon Kansas?

A - Brian plays drums, takes care of maintenance on the van and trailer, and works out with P90X on the road. Brad plays guitar and provides the fancy footwork to keep the first few rows entertained. Nick plays the bass and sings backup vocals. I write the songs, sing, play the guitar and keys, book the shows, and make stuff happen!

Q – What is your favorite song on the EP and why?

A - My favorite song on the EP is the title track, “We’re All Going Somewhere”. It may not be my favorite musically, but I really connect with the lyrics and it’s not a romantic song at all. I’ve tried to break out into new lyrical territories and this song is one of those experiments. This song is sort of a philosopher’s lament. I think all of us have dealt with the complexity of fate and how our decisions play a part in that. Hopefully this song just encourages whoever is listening, and lets them know they aren’t the only one asking these questions.

Q – How do you go about composing the music and writing the lyrics? Do you have a process? Do you write as a band or individually?

A - On this latest EP I wrote the six songs, music and lyrics, and brought them to the band so they could write their parts. Right now we are putting together some new songs and Brad and Nick have been bringing more and more ideas to the table. We’re definitely a band, not a solo project with a backup band. Even when I have the songs finished they usually end up changing pretty significantly by the time everyone has put in their influence.

Q – Who were your musical influences?

A - Lately we have been listening to a lot of Phoenix, The Killers, Kings of Leon, and John Mayer in the van. Individually we all have varying tastes in music.

Q – A lot of bands are influenced by musical acts of yesteryear. Sometimes this results in critics saying that so and so sounds just like Led Zeppelin or the Beatles. How do you incorporate your influences in your music but still maintain originality?

A - I personally can’t stand when a band wears their influences on their sleeve. Sometimes I think we’re a little too cautious in our band just because we don’t ever want to be accused of ripping another band off. Unfortunately there are only so many notes available. I think the best way to use influences when we are writing is just to capture the general vibe of artists we enjoy. To observe the kind of feelings those artists give us when we hear those songs, and then try and write music that gives us the same feeling, not necessarily sounds the same. For me, I enjoy music that takes me to another place in time or place. I try to write music that does the same, it’s a craft we’re constantly honing.

Q – Being an unknown band, do you ever get jealous toward people that appear on “American Idol” who end up becoming ‘famous’ overnight?

A - My parents love that show! How can I get jealous at anyone? We’re able to do what we love and we’re able to pay the bills doing it. I can’t be jealous, because I’m overwhelmed with thankfulness. I want to write the music I enjoy playing, play live music throughout the week, travel the country, and meet new people and hear their stories. We’re able to do that now in a van. If that changes someday because we’re on a bus, then I’m going to want the van back. Hard work gets you pretty far, and so do knowing people and a fair amount of good luck like winning “American Idol.” The public is so fickle and so is the music business. We can’t get too jealous when one artist is more successful than the other.

Q – What would you say is the biggest challenge being a musician in today’s musical landscape?

A - The biggest challenge is separating Abandon Kansas from the pack of bands out there right now. There are simply too many bands on social networking sites and going on “tours” for the music business to keep up. Venues, promoters, labels, and radio have a hard time wading through the swamp of posing bands out there. We have to work hard at being fresh original artists, creating a good product, and selling it in a genuine way.

Q – Anything you wanted to add?

A - We just returned from a trip to Ecuador the first week of March. We went to South America with Compassion International, an organization our band has worked side by side with for a couple years now. Compassion works in 26 countries helping to release children from poverty by providing food, clothes, education, and spiritual guidance. We are the voice for the children here in the states and we work to find American sponsors for the kids. Brian, our drummer, actually sponsors a child himself from Ecuador and we had the chance to meet him on our trip. It was a powerful trip! We already believe in what Compassion is doing, but now that we’ve seen it first hand, we’re back on tour as advocates for the children we saw being release from poverty in front of eyes!

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Thank God!!! No more Health Care...talk."

I’m so disappointed right now. No more health care talk from the bumbling idiots in Washington. Sure it’s great that health care reform passed…I guess. I suppose if you didn’t want health care reform to pass then it kind of sucks for you. A friend of mine said this today, “the world isn't ending. There were many pieces of legislation in the Bush years that I got worked up over....my life hasn't changed since they passed. If you get all worked up about something that has been blown significantly out of proportion, you'll give yourself ulcers and have to take advantage of your health care. Chill out and just enjoy life.”

Of course my conservative friends will respond with, “Who’s going to pay for this?” or “ Sure you can enjoy life unless you’re a small business who has to lay off employees to cover the cost of health care that you’re now required by law to provide.” To this I say, Wow!

Fox News really did a number on some of you out there. The people asking “who’s going to pay for this” never asked that question when we decided to head into Iraq. Now that a Democrat is in office they’re asking the question. To be fair many on the left were asking, “Who’s going to pay for Iraq?” while supporting health care reform. I guess it equals out? God I love this country.

I heard today that Dunkin Donuts had a beef with the plan because they didn’t want the sugar tax to be raised. As long as they don’t raise the internet tax to fund it I’m happy. Otherwise you’ll probably see Jason, Bry, Sean (both of them) and I picketing in Washington DC. Fox News will probably tape this and make it look like there are thousands more of us.

The Michael Moore’s, Bill Maher’s and the way left think the bill is too watered down, while the right is totally against the bill. Is it possible that if both sides aren’t really happy with it that it could be perfect? I mean everybody in the senate and the house…Hell everybody in D.C. are heartless bastards that only care about themselves. Everything they do is with the intent of getting reelected; they don’t care about you or me.

The Republicans played this one perfectly. America is scared right now…well some of them are. Come election time the scared could knock the left out of office. That said Obama and his peons actually accomplished something (good or bad) other than being the first African-American elected as President. So they’ve got that going for them.

I love politics, I really do. I love it because I really enjoy being pissed off. Watching these two sides go back and forth like grade schoolers really satisfies my need to be pissed off. Lack of real compassion for the average American citizen and worker is depressing. For instance, late last year more than $70 million was spent on an Olympic bid for Chicago. In the last two weeks more than 17,000 teachers have been pink slipped in the state of Illinois. A logical response would be that if Chicago had gotten the Olympics, the city and state would make money off of that. Unfortunately, 21 out of the last 22 cities to host the Olympics have actually lost money…and you’re talking about Chicago and the State of Illinois, one of the most corrupt cities and states in the nation. What is it, three out of our last four governors ended up in jail (4 out of 5 if Blago goes to jail)?

Arguing over politics is like arguing over what movie to watch. Don’t take it personally, it’s all trivial BS. The right side believes that if you work hard you’ll be rewarded, which can be true but often time isn’t. The left believes that everyone should have equal opportunity and in the process give hand outs to as many people as they can. Many of those people need the hand outs to survive, while others cheat the system because they can. Both sides have the right idea; why can’t we just meet in the middle? This is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever written. I make myself laugh sometimes.

BYLINE:

"The 'Hot Tub Time Machine' took me back to 'The Hangover.'" – Movie Review

When “The Hangover” became the break out comedy of 2009 it was inevitable that movies about 4 overgrown juveniles getting drunk while on vacation for whatever reason would become a trend or even its own sub-genre. Just watch the DVD shelves, it's coming. The first of what may be perceived as a “Hangover” knockoff to arrive in theaters is “Hot Tub Time Machine.”

John Cusack stars as Adam, an a-hole insurance salesman who has clearly done something to make his girlfriend leave him; his house has been ravaged by her moving out. Adam's buddy Nick (Craig Robinson) has it worse, working as a dog groomer with a wife he knows is cheating on him. Even still, there pal Lou is in worse shape; he may or may not have tried to kill himself while rocking out to Motley Crue.

As a way of cheering up Lou, Nick and Adam have planned a getaway to the ski resort where they spent many weekends in their hopeful youth. Tagging along is Adam's nephew Jacob (Clarke Duke) who has spent far too much time on his computer - his Second Life character is spending three years in prison. Adam figures he needs some human contact.

The resort was once a hotspot but now it's a run down dump. On the bright side, after a call to the front desk, the hot tub starts working. It works so well in fact that it becomes a time machine and sends all four guys back to 1986. With the time space continuum at stake, and a physics lesson from the original “Terminator” movie, the guys agree they must not alter the past or else.

“Hot Tub Time Machine” plays like “The Hangover” with time travel. Rob Corddry, best known as a correspondent on “The Daily Show,” plays the Zach Galifianakis character, replacing creepy childlike naiveté with creepy, intensity and slapstick. Cusack is the Bradley Cooper character, all sharp angry humor, and Robinson is the sheepish one waiting to break out ala Ed Helms.

The characters don't match exactly; Clark Duke gets far more screen time than Justin Bartha did in “The Hangover,” but with the binge drinking and wild time schtick the films are certainly in the same vein. Where “The Hangover” played something of a comic mystery plot for big laughs, “Hot Tub Time Machine” relies on heavy doses of nostalgia and clever references.

Cusack in and of himself as a reference to multiple 80's classics from “Say Anything” to “Better off Dead” to “One Crazy Summer.” None of those films get a direct name check but Cusack does ski in “Hot Tub Time Machine,” the black diamond, not the K-12 unfortunately, and listen close and you might hear someone shouting for their two dollars.

Crispin Glover drops in as another self referential 80's joke; Glover was of course Marty's dad in “Back to the Future,” a film that earns a few laughs for “Hot Tub Time Machine” along with any comedy about skiing. And yet still another walking punch line, I mean that as a compliment, Chevy Chase pops up in a funny cameo as the Hot Tub Repairman/time travel guru.

“Hot Tub Time Machine” then throws in one more fabulous 80's cameo that I don't want to spoil; I'll just say Cobra Kai and leave it at that. “Hot Tub Time Machine” bursts with aching nostalgia that will either delight or invite a nauseous sort of state as one is reminded just how old they truly are. Yes, “Hot Tub Time Machine” is easy to write off as a movie taking advantage of the well plowed path of “The Hangover” but that film didn't have time travel. That's certainly enough of a difference to allow you to forgive the many familiar elements. John Cusack is excellent as always while the rest of the cast brilliantly has his back.

If I may add a cheesy critic’s one liner to close: Take a dip in the “Hot Tub Time Machine.” Ha!

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"SpongeBob SquarePants committed suicide."

My niece just turned nine. And for her birthday, she had a party, because, that’s what little kids do on their birthday. They have parties, on their birthday. Because it’s their birthday. I’m writing like this to convey the same feeling I had when my niece told me it was her birthday, and that she was having a party and if I would like to come to it I could, to her party she was having for her birthday.

So I did. I attended her birthday, her party, at a park where nearly 20 children around her age, some younger and some older, attended with presents, their parents and loads of energy.

On the agenda were games such as water balloons, bobbing for apples, and the highlight of the day, a pinata to swing at while blind folded after being spun around numerous times. The pinata was shaped as the popular cartoon character, SpongeBob SquarePants.

He, incidentally, lives in a pineapple under the sea. He’s SpongeBob SquarePants. I knew this because my niece, along with five other children, was singing the program’s theme song. Over and over until it was ingrained in my head, at this party, for my niece’s birthday.

All I thought when I saw it was, These kids are going to be traumatized. They’re going to smack the crap out of SpongeBob until he bleeds out candy. Then, when he does a “special appearance” at the mall, kids will run up to him with baseball bats and swing at him, only to be disappointed that, not only was there no candy, but the person in the costume was suing the child’s parents for assault.

While my brother searched for a place to hang SpongeBob, with all of the places being unsuccessful, I recommended the basketball hoop just a few yards away. My brother walked over with the rope and the cardboard shaped SpongeBob, filled with candy because the kids weren’t hyper enough, and hanged SpongeBob from the hoop’s rim.

From a distance, it looked as if SpongeBob had committed suicide, hanging there by a rope, spinning in circles from the wind’s gust, all this with a smile on his face. I uttered this to one child’s parent and she looked at me and said, “What is wrong with you?”

This, coming from a woman who also had a pinata for her daughter’s birthday but didn’t fill it up with candy because she THOUGHT it already came filled. I asked, “Didn’t you realize it was hollow?” She said shut up and all I could think of was the poor, deflated expressions on the kids’ faces when the pinata came crashing down.

I replied, “I’m just saying. It looks like he committed suicide.”

When my brother returned to the group, the kids bobbed for apples and played water balloons. For some reason, I couldn’t keep my eyes off the recently suicided SpongeBob. So, I decided to write out a note and stick it under SpongeBob’s armpit. The note read: “Damn you kids. I can’t take it anymore.” - SpongeBob.

About thirty minutes passed and it was time to hit the pinata. I swear, I had forgotten about the note. The children all lined up, and one boy noticed the suicide note. He read it and began to cry. Actually, he began to weep. His mother read the note and, suffice it to say, all arrows pointed to me.

I said, “Oh my God. I forgot about that.”

His mother, consoling her now upset child, looked at me and said, “Look at what you did. He’s crying because he thought SpongeBob killed himself.”

I replied, “Killed himself? Your kid was gonna hit him with a stick!”

Needless to say, he cried for a few minutes, and the party continued as best it could. This party, for my niece’s birthday, who was now nine, as evidenced by the nine candles on her cake. Her cake, for her birthday, at her party, because this is what children do. They have parties, for their birthday.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Rock chick Becca is 'Alive.'"

Becca is a full blown rock chick. If you’ve never heard of Becca, think P!nk or Avril Lavigne meeting “Jagged Little Pill” era Alanis Morissette. Like the three ladies mentioned above, Becca is a rock/pop act, but the difference between her and the other ladies is the emphasis on the rock. Becca has a special place in my heart; one because she actually took the time to talk to me, but two because she mentioned a couple of bands that are very near and dear to my heart - Aerosmith and Kill Switch Engage.

Q - How was SXSW?

A – It was really fun. It was very crazy out there. Have you ever been out to Austin?

Q – No I haven’t.

A – They have just a huge street and there’s just bar after bar, car after car, bands all playing at the same time. There are thousands of people walking up and down, it’s crazy.

Q – How many shows did you play?

A – I played three shows out there. I played Antone’s at the Belmont and the Rusty Spurs.

Q - I was browsing your website and I noticed this Becca Web Game. Can you tell us what that is?

A – What we do is we make links to different videos that ask you different questions. If you answer those questions correctly you get to continue on with the game. These questions are about my life and career, basically all about Becca. You are able to win prizes if you get to certain levels, like a skateboard, posters. The all time prize is I get to come play at your school or play somewhere around your town.

Q – Cool. Tell me a little bit about your new album “Alive.” How would you describe it?

A – I like to describe it as rock/pop because it’s definitely mainstream music, but it is very rock influenced. It has a lot of 80’s influences. The songs are written about my life and things I’ve gone through with being a teenager to now and traveling over to Japan and things like that.

Q – What are some of your favorite songs on the album?

A – I really like “Make You Mad.” It’s probably my favorite song on the album because it shows a side of me that’s uncensored. I think it describes how a lot of people feel after a break up. What I’m basically saying is that when you break up with somebody and they seem to be fine but you’re suffering. You can’t understand how they can be ok when you’re not, so you want them to suffer and bring them down to your level. It’s kind of like a revenge song. It’s always fun to sing.

Q – What’s your favorite song to sing live?

A – Either “Make You Mad” or “Shibuya.” The reason I say “Shibuya” is because it’s one of the only songs that I don’t play guitar on and just jump around and dance, because it’s that kind of song.

Q – How do you write your songs? Do you start with lyrics first or do you start with music, what’s the process like for you?

A – It’s actually different a lot of the time. Today for example, before I called you, I was trying to write a song, or getting started on it, so when I get off the phone I can continue it. I’m starting with lyrics. It’s the emotion I’m feeling. I write it almost as if it is poetry. With the lyrics I feel melodies in my head. With this lyric I’ll think now it should sound like this. The vibe of the lyric also gives me a tone of which type of song it should be, if it should be a ballad or a rock song. Then I usually do a rough go around on GarageBand with just my guitar and me singing. Then it goes from there. Sometimes I’ll start on the guitar and melodies will come through that. A lot of times it comes all at once.

Q – Can you write lyrics when you’re not inspired?

A – Yeah, let’s say I have a deadline to have these many songs by this time. What I do sometimes when I’m not inspired, there are a lot of songs that I never touched or lyrics. I’ll go back through my folder of all my lyrics and say let’s try that one and then go from there, as opposed to coming up with something when you’re not inspired, because that would be very difficult. It’s very easy for me to get inspired.

Q – Are there any plans to tour the album coming up?

A – Yeah, we actually just got off of a school tour where I was visiting schools and playing for them and doing a question and answer session. It was cool because I got to meet my demographic in a personal way, then I got SXSW and I just finished that. Probably end of April or May, if not then definitely this summer.

Q – You were discovered by Meredith Brooks. How did that come about?

A – I met Meredith in my hometown of Portland, Oregon, which is where she is also from. We happened to have a mutual friend that introduced us. I sang for her. She said that if I had a demo I should send it out to her. So I went and recorded two songs that I had written and two cover songs. She ended up liking them.

Q – How long have you been singing and playing?

A – I have been singing since probably I was a toddler. I always remember singing. I picked up the guitar at ten, because I was writing all of these songs in my head and I had no instrument to put them to, so I thought the guitar would be a good thing to start out with. I started writing songs when I was ten years old.

Q – Who are some of your early musical influences?

A – I think the first band that I was really influenced by was then called the Tuesdays, an all girl band out of Sweden I believe. It was really poppy, but they were a rock chick band. They were cool and they really inspired me to want to write that kind of music. I’ve been influenced by Cyndi Lauper and girls of the 80’s, not typical influences at the age I’m at. I love Alanis Morissette.

Q - You're pretty big in Japan, how did that end up happening?

A – I was doing showcases in Los Angeles and Frank Scott from Sony Japan came out and had some connections over the years with my manager who worked over there a lot and he thought it’d be a good fit for me. So we able to get that knocked out and they liked it.

Q – What are you listening to right now?

A – Right now I am listening to very random stuff, Oingo Boingo (laughs), Blue October, Garbage, Kill Switch Engage just a very random mix. I get bored easily with one genre, so I like to mix it up.

Q – If you could go on tour with one act who would it be?

A – I would say Cyndi Lauper or Aerosmith.

Q – What’s your most embarrassing on stage moment?

A – I have many. There was one episode where I was at Summersonic in Japan. It was my first big show and I was playing for thousands of people. I go out on stage and for some reason the shoes I was wearing were slippery and had no traction. I was slipping all over the stage. So during my big entrance I tripped and almost fell but was able to save myself somehow. The entire show I was slipping all over the stage. It was terrible.

Q – What do you have planned for the remainder of the year?

A – Figuring out a tour. I’m actually going back out to Japan in like a week to do a tour with a Japanese act that is pretty big out there. It’s a rapper and a singer and the singer just wants to do production now. She doesn’t want to sing anymore. So now they’re collaborating with different artists and I’m the first artist they wanted to collaborate with. We made a whole album and I’m going out there to record the album.

Pick up Becca’s album “Alive” in stores now. Get additional information on everything Becca at: http://beccaofficial.com/.
Follow Becca on twitter at: http://twitter.com/BeccaUSA.
Check out her myspace: http://www.myspace.com/beccachanofficial.
Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/BECCA/190136179888.

BYLINE: