Zoiks! Online - Music. Stand-up. TV. Film. "Funny Name. Seriously Entertaining.": 2/1/10

"'2012' makes me want the world to end in 2010. It's that bad." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

2012 hysteria has gotten so out of hand that NASA was compelled to put out a press release stating that the Mayan Calendar does not predict the end of the world. Indeed, the planets will align in 2012 but they will as they have numerous times before without massive worldwide destruction.

Could there be a better endorsement for the goofball disaster flick “2012?” This latest project from world destruction expert Roland Emmerich goes off the rails of reality from jump street but knows it, accepts it and even has a little fun being all earnest and serious about stuff blowin' up real good.

John Cusack leads an ensemble cast in “2012” as Jackson Curtis. A failed writer, Jackson drives a limousine for a living and that is how he arrives to take his two kids camping for the weekend. Jackson is estranged from his wife Kate (Amanda Peet) who has remarried to a plastic surgeon, Gordon (Thomas McCarthy).

Jackson is taking the kids camping at a rather odd moment. All over California giant cracks are forming. There are a number of mini-earthquakes and other ominous signs of doom that Jackson and family choose to ignore. Meanwhile, across the country, a government geologist, Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), has discovered that the end of the world is near.

The sun is firing off flares that become neutrinos that are heating the earth's core and blah, blah, blah, let's just say science is merely a touchstone for “2012” and leave it at that. The necessary info is that the world will soon end. What luck that there is a solution in place. Giant ships called Arcs will whisk the wealthy, privileged and connected of the world to safety on the high seas while the average folks die horribly.

Thanks to a whacked out, Art Bell wannabe, well played by Woody Harrelson doing a fabulous Dennis Hopper impression, Jackson finds out about the Arcs and aims to get his kids, ex-wife and even his romantic rival to Asia where the Arcs are being loaded up.

Basic set up, establish the stakes, establish our everyman hero and then rain down the CGI destruction. You have to give this to Roland Emmerich, the idea is efficient. If only the actual film were so cut to the quick. “2012,” despite many guilty pleasures, lingers for nearly three hours blowing up monuments and killing dignitaries.

If you enjoy carnage and human sacrifice then you may marvel at watching priests crushed by the Sistine Chapel. The Pope gets crushed by the Vatican and the President of the United States? He gets an aircraft carrier named for John F. Kennedy dropped on him.

Roland Emmerich really enjoys these scenes too much. Really, it's rather unseemly, the pleasure that Emmerich seems to take in staging these CGI deaths. It's comparable to the joys that a director like Eli Roth takes in torturing his average Jane characters, minus the misogyny but with a healthy dose of blasphemy.

It is that unseemly quality, along with the film's exorbitant length, that makes me resist liking “2012.” And I really kind of want to. The CGI destruction is well crafted and even kind of exciting, especially watching a commuter plane fly between falling buildings. John Cusack and Chiwetel Ejiofor are shockingly effective in building human surrogates from the rubble of expository dialogue and the running and screaming that are the main components of their characters. Amanda Peet, Danny Glover and Thandie Newton round out a main cast right at home in a disaster movie ensemble.

I kind of want to recommend “2012” because there is some real good camp and some terrific CGI. Unfortunately, the film overstays its welcome and becomes a little to blood lusty for my taste. The seemingly random fates of well known heads of state, and a few filler characters, leave a bad taste that I just cannot shake.

“2012” is a movie for the forgiving fan of big, dumb loud, world ending blockbusters only.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Padma Lakshmi plus Food Network equal Playboy Channel for some."

By Jason Tanamor

The fact that there is a Food Network leads me to believe that obesity in Americans is not just self-inflicted. Tune into the Food Channel and you will see every possible combination of appetizer, main course and dessert imagined. Shows such as “30 Minute Meals,” “Ten Dollar Dinners,” “The Best Thing I Ever Ate,” and “Mexican Made Easy” provide examples of why there is a ‘fat’ problem in the states.

Not only do the titles of the shows suggest some weird pornographic puns (“Mexican Made Easy”), but the hosts and actual chefs of these programs make it lights out, or should I say, dinner on, to ‘lack of will powered’ obese people. If I were overweight and I tuned into a 24-hour food channel and saw a beautiful woman showing me how to make meals, there is no way in McDonald’s hell I would ever get off my ass to work out. I would think, “Hey, that hot chick is eating this. Why do I need to work out?”

Chefs such as Claire Robinson, Rachel Ray, Aida Mollenkamp and Padma Lakshmi are all talented in their own right, but the fact that they are all beautiful women and have, at some time, appeared on the Food Network, make it difficult to not be overweight.

I guess a luxury for Americans is a problem for other countries. Sure we can give money to feed the hungry; hell we can even put out silly commercials with Sally Struthers pleading to save the children, but when the only person gaining weight is Sally Struthers, a solution has yet to be uncovered.

(Padma Lakshmi)

I would love to see the hungry fed, but the truism of food channels we have on television nowadays, doesn’t encourage these third world nations to get ambitious. These food stations have to be like the Playboy Channel for malnutrition prone people. Children are staring in amazement at some of the pictures that appear on the screen.

“Did you just see that?”

“Oh my God. That looks delicious. Wait, you were talking about the food and not Padma Lakshmi, right?”

The only difference is children aren’t scurrying in a panic to change channels when their mother enters the room. Because isn’t that where the problem starts – children? Food and a hot chick to a 12-year-old boy? That is a recipe for Jim Jones’ Kool-Aid.

What I think they should have counterprogrammed with The Food Network is the Anorexic Network. Put shows on starring Britney Spears, Nicole Richie and Calista Flockhart. They could be putting ham spread and Cheez Whiz on crackers. The shows could be called “30 Years Off Your Life,” and “Skeleton Look Made Easy.”

That way, at least you can get both ends of the stick. “Do I want to be grossly obese or toothpick thin?”

That is the question. And when the malnutrition people see this station, they could be like, “OK, we really need to eat.” Add to that, when obese people see this, they could be like, “OK, we really need to get off our ass.”

It would kill two birds with one stone.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"My dog is one part Lassie, one part Snoopy, and one part Harvard."

By Jason Tanamor

I take my dog everywhere. He loves going for rides and as a result, ends up getting treats in the process. At the bank, while I’m waiting for the teller to process my request, inevitably she always asks, “What kind of dog is that?” Then, with my receipt, she’ll throw in a dog biscuit.

My dog, Rowdy (named after the stuffed dog in “Scrubs”), which is part Collie and part Beagle, looks as if Lassie and Snoopy had a baby while Timmy burned in the fire. He’s the best pound puppy ever. He is house broken, good with kids and good with cats. However, Rowdy had been beaten. When I first started looking for a dog, the no kill shelter’s row of dogs was filled to capacity.

Each dog was fighting for my attention, jumping up and down, barking loudly, one was doing push-ups, and I swear, one dog slipped me a twenty. Rowdy, on the other hand, was sitting in the back of the cage, terrified. I saw that he was a beaten puppy, so I was determined to adopt him.

And that’s what I did. For a few days, Rowdy stood still in the middle of the living room, which is how he got his name. My wife and I watch “Scrubs” a lot, and during a scene when stuffed Rowdy was on screen, it looked as if my Rowdy had a twin just a few inches away. My wife and I were able to get Rowdy out of his funk and bring him to his natural personality.

Now, he’s playful, excited and whenever I grab my keys, he runs for the door. I used to have an issue with him riding with me. I don’t anymore as he’s the best passenger. He doesn’t yell at me for speeding and when I inadvertently cut someone off, he licks my hand and then barks at something out the window.

One of the things Rowdy does when I leave the car to run into a place is jump into the front seat. Often times, in the winter, I’ll leave the car running and my dog will jump into the front seat and sit there. It’s really quite comical. What adds to the hilarity is the fact that my wife likes to dress up my dog in frat boy type sweaters, as if he is being accepted into Yale. So the thought of Rowdy sitting in the front seat while the car is running is a funny visual for me. I am sometimes tempted to put a jar of Grey Poupon on the dash to complete the picture.

On one particular occasion, I ran into the post office. On my way out, a woman whose car was parked next to mine, was looking into my car at my dog. She was trying to make eye contact with Rowdy while he sat in the front seat. I watched this from a block away and thought, “I have a remote start.” So, I started my car, and I tell you, the look on the woman’s face when the car started while my dog in his Oxford sweater was sitting in the front seat was priceless.

“How in the world did that dog start this car?” she thought.

I watched from afar, and laughed, only to reveal myself to her. We both chuckled and before she could say anything, I said, “Now that he can start the car, I really need to teach him how to put the car in reverse and back up.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"BT says 'don't be a comedian.'" - A stand-up comedian’s ramblings.

By BT

Planes, trains and automobiles, minus the planes and trains. That's the way it has been the last week and a half and I'm lovin' it. I'm with my boys on the Sellout Comedy Tour and we've gone from Buffalo to Canada to Delaware and now, back to Canada, all by way of automobile. And to show you the love we have for each other, it's four of us in two cars.

Two people per car, Lou and Billy. Vince and me, but that is until, Vince didn't like the way I like to live out my NASCAR fantasies on the Interstate. And after hearing his baby’s first ever sentence over the phone, he decided the only way to hear her second sentence ever was to get out of the car with me and ride with Lou and Billy. That is great with me, no one bitching about my Rock n Roll turned up to decibel bursting levels. I mean AC/DC is meant to be listened to at the highest of volumes, right?

It’s kind of cool that Vince has a daughter, although I am perfectly content with being an Uncle. The cool thing with my nephews and niece is that they won't realize how much of a "fuck up" I really am until they reach adult age. For now they think it's cool that I have a bachelor pad. When they get older, they'll slowly realize,"WOW!! Unc doesn't even have a bed! That shit isn’t normal! No bed, a George Foreman and that's it."

Note to self: "DON'T BE A COMEDIAN!!"

BYLINE:

BT is a comedian who travels all across the country to tell the funny to audiences that come out to see his show. Check his website out for show dates (http://www.btrox.com).

"Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs' Vantage Point."

By Jason Tanamor

I finally got around to seeing the movie, “Vantage Point.” After two years or so, the movie hailed as “intelligent” and “intense” by Shawn Edwards of Fox-TV was both intelligent and intense in the sense that it took numerous viewpoints and perspectives to tell a 23 minute story.

Dennis Quaid stars as Thomas Barnes, a secret service agent whose job is to protect the President of the United States. One year prior to where the story picks up, Agent Barnes was shot and wounded while guarding the President. His first real day back at work, Barnes is visibly jarred by the memory of his last call of duty.

His fellow colleagues question Barnes’ ability to fulfill his job, but once the global war on terror summit in Spain begins, Barnes is 100% ready to go. The only problem is, no amount of preparation could prevent the President, played by William Hurt, from being shot.

However, this is only the beginning of the story. From this point on, “Vantage Point” begins to unravel the true story behind the plotted assassination. Told from the perspective of 8 strangers all witnessing the same event, “Vantage Point” takes advantage of a unique brand of filmmaking. From the public’s view courtesy of Howard Lewis, played by Forest Whitaker, to one of the so-called terrorists’ perspective Javier, played by newcomer Édgar Ramírez, the movie does not only portray an exciting thriller but also plays out on the emotions of various people with different roles in the film.

A lot of things happen in this movie, which has twists and turns all the way until the end, and honestly, it’s been out for a while now, so if you have yet to see it, put it on your list of “must see if there’s nothing else to do” movies.

I thoroughly enjoyed this method of storytelling, as the majority of movies seem to lack the various viewpoints of characters. Sometimes you get told how a character is feeling, but usually the story is decided by a main character that makes decisions for those around him or her. Instead of seeing a character’s emotion and reaction, movies tend to have characters live via flashback to convey a supporting person’s attitude or emotion.

I only wish more movies would do the same as “Vantage Point,” telling the same story in multiple ways. Take, for example, “Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs.” Imagine Snow White hiding from her stepmother told from the perspective of the 7 dwarfs in a short 17 minute scene. From Sneezy telling Snow White to duck under the table, but not being able to get the words out because of his sneezing and blowing snot all over the place to Grumpy telling Snow White that she is being a bitch for not wanting to get to know her stepmother well. And from Sleepy insisting that everyone be quiet so he can nap to Doc writing prescriptions for meds that would cure, or at least alleviate, the sneezing, bashfulness, grumpiness, dopeyness, stuffy head fevers so the dwarfs could rest, save for Sleepy who can’t stay awake to see Prince Charming come in to kiss the girl he had been trying to get with ever since he was a little dwarf.

The irony here is that Snow White is sleeping the entire time because she bit into a poison apple, which is funny because an apple a day keeps Doc away, unless of course that apple is poisonous, to which the doctor has to prescribe another pill just so that Snow White and the 6 seemingly degenerate dwarfs could live normal, happy lives. I wonder if Doc, who appears to be the normal one in the bunch, is really giving the others Good & Plenty’s just so he can have a successful running business, helping his friends out but not really. Now that is a vantage point I would like to see.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'Cop Out' is a goofball tribute to the buddy cop movies from the 1980's."

By Sean Patrick Kernan

Let's get one thing straight, I am in fact a Kevin Smith apologist. I have loved all of Kevin's movies, yes even “Jersey Girl,” loved it. Thus, I remove any thought of objectivity from this review of “Cop Out.” I am a Kevin Smith fan and I liked “Cop Out.” While other critics seem to delight in trashing this harmless, filthy mouthed throwback to 80's buddy cop movies, I sat back and laughed uproariously.

“Cop Out” stars Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan as detectives Jimmy Monroe and Paul Hodges. They seem like total opposites; Jimmy is laid back yet menacing while Paul is wild and outlandish. Yet, they have been partners for years with a notable reputation - good cops who tend to find trouble.

The latest trouble involves getting an informant killed and blowing a major undercover drug sting. This gets them suspended for a month. Meanwhile, Jimmy is trying to find the cash to pay for his daughter's (Michelle Trachtenberg) wedding. This subplots offer funny sidelights for Jason Lee and Sean William Scott.

The meat of the plot unfolds when Jimmy gets robbed of a valuable baseball card and he and Jimmy set out to retrieve it. Naturally, the card lands in the hands of the drug dealer who they were after in the first place and none of this is really all that interesting or important. The plot of “Cop Out” is secondary to Smith, Willis and Morgan hamming it up in homage to the great buddy cop movies of the 80's.

Kevin Smith is the perfect director for “Cop Out.” The film is both a send up of and a loving tribute to goofball buddy cop movies. Smith, being a virtual pop culture almanac, delivers on every beat of the buddy cop movies we love right down to a synth pop score that only Harold Faltermeyer could really appreciate.

Kevin Smith, Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan dive headlong into the parody fun not with obvious, “Naked Gun” style gags but by doing exactly what an 80's buddy cop movie did but with Kevin Smith style language, filled with plenty of four letter words and references that will someday make a great drinking game.

Is “Cop Out” a great movie? No. The plot is slapdash, the subplot payoffs are meaningless and don't even start on the continuity errors. None of that however, really matters because “Cop Out” is what it sets out to be, a goofball tribute to the buddy cop movies that dominated the 1980's. Forget the “Filmmaker Magazine” critiques; this is fun stuff for an audience seeking a mindless toss back to the movies they loved in the 80's.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Breast feed in public and you too can be like Maggie Gyllenhaal."

By Jason Tanamor

For some odd reason I was talking to one of my guy friends about mothers who breast feed in public. I know, it sounds like a category on “Jeopardy.” “I’ll take ‘Public Breast Feeding’ for $200 Alex.”

The discussion came about because my friend was telling me that he was at the mall and he saw a woman breast feeding. I said that I had no opinion about it but since the subject came up, and this is an entertainment magazine, I quickly changed the direction to famous mothers that breast feed in public, which sounds like a category on “Celebrity Jeopardy.”

We started popping out names of celebrities who have children that are always in the news. Women like Madonna and Angelina Jolips, I mean Jolie, were the forefront. But then I remembered a few years ago when a picture of actress Maggie Gyllenhaal being photographed while breast feeding her baby surfaced.

(Photo by Pacific Coast News and WENN.)

So we decided to push the matter further. Our luck, there was a woman sitting in front of us breast feeding. It was almost like a movie where things just happen when you need them. Breast feeding in public can be rationalized easier if looked at more closely. This was what my friend and I thought. But the woman we were gazing at didn’t.

“Why are you staring at my breasts? she asked.

“We’re trying to look at breast feeding more closely.”

I don’t have a problem with public breast feeding. If Maggie Gyllenhaal can do it, then who am I to say that I have a problem with it. What I believe is that women who breast feed in public really don’t want to practice it in society; rather it is the fact that sometimes children bring their lunches to school. This forces women to whip out their breasts. These children are just eating. And it happens to be on the menu for the day – Breasts and a Fruit Roll-Up, with a side of cheese sticks, fresh fruit and juice.

People shouldn’t worry about this because it doesn’t happen all the time. Even children want variety. They just can’t open up their lunch boxes to see the same meal.

“What? Breasts again? Who wants to trade me?” His fellow classmates then jump out of their seats, offering items such as coconut flavored snowballs, Zingers, and Motts applesauce. Motts, back in the day, was like having a golden wrapper from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” I used to check the newspaper for the upcoming lunch menu, and if Motts was on the list, circle it with a marker and then carry it around in my book bag.

With every refused breast the child trades at school, his assortment of sugar grows to a point that he must, at some point, refer back to breast feeding. It’s only natural.

So, the next time you see a woman, or Maggie Gyllenhaal, breast feeding in public, keep in mind that this woman’s child is tired of cold Tombstone pizza wrapped in aluminum foil. Because I will tell you first hand, cold pizza is a very weak bargaining chip.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Helen Hong goes from producer to stand-up comic."

By Jason Tanamor

Fans of stand-up can appreciate funny comedians like Margaret Cho and Sarah Silverman. Although the two comediennes’ styles may be a little different, one of the things you can relate them to is a comedienne named Helen Hong, whose act is a mix of both women. Hong recently chatted with us to talk about her career change from TV producer to stand-up comic.

Q – Real quick, tell me how you got involved in stand-up comedy?

A - I was successful as a TV producer but was miserable, knowing it wasn’t what I really wanted to do with my life. I never considered comedy as a legitimate career but I loved making my friends laugh. I signed up for a stand-up comedy class just for fun. The graduation class was an actual performance at Caroline’s on Broadway, in front of almost 200 friends and family. I was SO NERVOUS, but as soon as I got my first laugh, I knew this is what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It was a high like I had never felt before and I LOVED it. That was in 2005 and I’ve been doing stand-up ever since.

Q – Describe your act for those who have yet to see you perform.

A - I mostly talk about Asian stereotypes, dating, sex and silly observations. My delivery is upbeat and I smile a lot, which I think appeals to most of my crowds. If I had to compare myself to other comics, I would say I’m a cross between Margaret Cho and Sarah Silverman with a very personable stage presence. You can see for yourself on my website HelenHong.com.

Q – I’ve been covering stand-up for a long time and following it even longer and there really aren’t that many Asian comics. I interviewed Henry Cho and he said that stand-up isn’t considered worthy in the Asian community. Do you agree with this and if so, why is that?

A - In some ways, stand-up comedy is antithetical to Asian culture and values. Most Asian cultures generally embrace conformity and fitting in, not standing out in the way that is inherent in stand-up. Korean culture is one of the strictest as far as social conformity. Most Koreans are taught from a young age that there are only 2 acceptable professions (doctor and lawyer), so becoming a comedian is pretty unheard of. I have a theory that it’s the strictness of the Korean culture that drives so many Korean-Americans to comedy. Have you noticed that a disproportionate number of Asian-American comics are of Korean descent? Henry Cho, Margaret Cho, Steve Byrne, Bobby Lee, Ken Jeong, Elliot Chang, Esther Ku and myself are all Korean-American. We’re all rebelling against the culture that told us to just become doctors and shut the hell up!

Q – With all the Asian stereotypes out there, including bad driving and being good at Math, how would you “mathematically” “drive” the point that Asian comics are just as funny as say, Jewish comics?

A - Asian comics certainly have as much material to draw upon as Jewish comics do! We have pushy nagging mothers, familial guilt, societal pressure to excel academically and become doctors and lawyers, pressure to marry our own kind. Hell, Asians practically ARE Jewish. Except it’s easier to pick us out of a line-up.

Q – Comedians tend be shy people off stage but when on stage, their personality really comes out. Are you like this at all and if so, why do you think this trait makes a great comedian?

A - I do think the best comedians are shy, somewhat awkward people when offstage. I’m fairly reserved and far less outgoing offstage than onstage, which annoys people who expect to see me being “wacky” in real life. The essence of comedy is observation, and you can’t observe the world around you if you’re the center of attention all the time. That’s why “class clowns” rarely make good comedians.

Q – Playing off the last question, do you think only certain people can be successful comics or do you believe anyone can learn to be a comedian?

A - I think anyone can become a comedian if they work really hard and are able to recognize and overcome their own weaknesses. Those two principles are the key, and they’re much easier said than done.

Q – Being an Asian woman, do you feel like it’s harder for you to be successful and/or accepted in comedy in predominantly an all male profession?

A - Being an Asian woman is both a blessing and a curse in the business. I’ve definitely been given opportunities on TV and certain showcases because of it, but I find it’s hard to be taken seriously by other comedians. It’s always annoying when male emcees introduce me with “Coming to the stage, a LADYYYYYY!” as if my vagina was going to jump out and start telling jokes. What is this, 1962? Thankfully I started stand-up in New York City, where it’s not completely unheard of to be either an Asian or a female comic, so I never felt too ostracized. Anyone who thinks women aren’t funny should come to New York and see all the women that are kicking ass onstage every night here.

Q – I think Tina Fey is the funniest person on TV right now. Which performers do you enjoy watching and which have influenced your career?

A - Tina Fey is amazing; so disciplined, hard-working and creative. Conan O’Brien was at his absolute best recently during the whole “Tonight Show” fiasco. I love Ricky Gervais, he’s so silly and always looks like he’s having so much fun. I recently saw Louis CK and he was incredible; definitely one of my favorites right now. Brian Regan is one of my all-time favorite comics. And Margaret Cho will always be an inspiration and a trailblazer for me.

Visit Helen Hong’s website at: HelenHong.com. “I worked really hard on it and I’m very proud of it so go visit it,” Hong said.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'American Idol' results and surprises."

By Bob Zerull

What “American Idol” does so well is extend ten minutes of TV into an hour time slot. Tonight four contestants were eliminated. Each eliminated contestant had to perform the song that ultimately got them kicked out. Additionally, celebrity performers grace the stage for a performance or two. I DVR “Idol” and fast forward through all the filler. Tonight’s guest performers were Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen from last season of “American Idol.”

Allison was my favorite from last season only because she reminded me of Pink and I thought she could be a legitimate star. Allison played her new single “Scars” which I wasn’t a huge fan of - it wasn’t that catchy. She should have performed “Holiday,” that song has hit single written all over it. Her voice has gotten better; I was impressed.

Last year’s winner, Kris Allen, came back to kick off “Idol Gives Back.” Every year “American Idol” runs their charity, and this year it is for the victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Kris Allen performed The Beatles “Let It Be.” His performance can be downloaded at www.itunes.com with 100% of the proceeds going to the Haiti relief effort. You can also donate by texting the word “IDOL” to 20222, and then reply yes when prompted. Credit card donations can be made at www.americanidol.com.

They eliminated one contestant off at a time by breaking the girls into two groups and the guys into two groups. My two picks for girls to be eliminated were Ashley Rodriguez and Haeley Vaughn. For the guys my picks to go home were Tim Urban, who’d already been eliminated once and Jermaine Sellers.

(Ashley Rodriguez)

The bottom two in the first group of girls was Janell Wheeler and Katie Stevens. Wheeler butchered a Heart song and Stevens was decent but unoriginal. I didn’t think either of them would be in danger, but I was wrong and ultimately it was Janell Wheeler as the first eliminated. The second group of girls came down to Didi Benami and Ashley Rodriguez. Didi was good, but not all the memorable while Ashley seemed nervous and way off key. Ashley Rodriguez was the second person eliminated.

The bottom two in the first group of guys was Tim Urban and Joe Munoz. Tim Urban was the worst of all the contestants with his take on One Republic’s “Apologize,” while Munoz had a mediocre performance of a mediocre song. The surprise of the night was that Joe Munoz was the next eliminated. The bottom two in the final group of guys kind of surprised me as well. Alex Lambert had a great vocal performance of James Morrison’s “Wonderful World,” but he appeared scared to death on the stage. Tyler Grady, the pretend rocker, gave a lack luster performance of “American Woman.” I was surprised both were on the chopping block. Grady wasn’t good, but he got a ton of screen time during the audition weeks. Tyler Grady was the next eliminated and then took a shot at the judges saying they didn’t give him proper feedback. Poor baby.

I was terrible picking only one of the four. Week one is always a rough week, most of these kids have never performed in front of an audience like this. Now that the butterflies have come and gone hopefully we’ll see a couple of stand-outs next week. Right now I’d say Casey James is the biggest stand out with Michael Lynche having the biggest personality, among other things. Let me know what you think, email me at bob@zoiksonline.com.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is the Managing Editor of Zoiks! Online. He writes pop culture commentary, does interviews with bands, and reviews music and stand-up concerts. He also administers Zoiks! Online's Facebook page. Follow Bob on twitter at bzerull. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

"'The Crazies' is a smart, fast paced horror flick." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

In a world of been there, done that, sometimes the best a filmmaker can do is improve upon the things that have been done before. That is exactly what director Breck Eisner does with the pseudo-zombie flick “The Crazies.” Eisner takes the elements we've seen before from movies like “Resident Evil” or “28 Days Later” or George Romero's oeuvre and simply does the same thing better or at least with a neat twist.

The result is a smart, atmospheric, fast paced horror flick that entertains from beginning to end with strong characters and a clever spin on expected scenes.

Something strange is taking place in Ogden Marsh, Iowa. In the midst of a High School baseball game a guy everyone in town knows wanders onto the field carrying a shotgun. The field is cleared and the man is confronted by the local sheriff, Dave Dutton (Timothy Olyphant). Dave is eventually forced to shoot and kill the man in front of most of the population of Ogden Marsh.

Later, another fine, up-standing citizen of Ogden Marsh burns down his house with his wife and child inside and no indication of a motive. Sheriff Dave, being smarter than most movie versions of small town sheriffs, quickly surmises something beyond mere coincidence in these crimes. With his deputy Russell (Joe Anderson) and his wife Judy (Radha Mitchell), Sheriff Dave discovers the sinister origins of what eventual military invaders of the town call 'The Crazies.'

To give away too much of the plot would spoil the fun of this clever, quirky and even humorous film. The humor is subjective and maybe unintentional, but I laughed a few times at the unique twists and turns of this exceptionally well made genre movie. Director Breck Eisner takes a highly familiar premise and jazzes it up with odd angles and nimble inversions of expectations.

Timothy Olyphant is the perfect star for “The Crazies.” He's handsome with a relaxed, good ol' boy manner. His toughness was solidified by his role on HBO's beloved Cowboy series “Deadwood” and he has a classic John Wayne sort of swagger that makes him just the guy you want to be behind when the stuff hits the fan.

Radha Mitchell is a slightly esoteric choice to play the sheriff's wife but she has a number of effective scenes, especially as the damsel in distress late in the film and one seriously butt kicking scene that will have audiences cheering. A hint about Mitchell's big scene: keep an eye on the three big redneck hunters who pop up at unexpected moments.

“The Crazies” is a genre movie that embraces its genre-ness; takes the conventions head on and is effective for the minor twists on what is expected. You've seen this type of movie before but you don't often see it with this much visual wit, skill and savvy. “The Crazies” is, quite surprisingly, one of my early favorites of 2010.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"'American Idol' - Top 12 guys."

By Bob Zerull

Tonight it was the boys turn to shine on stage or crash and burn. What I hate about “American Idol” is that the judges pick their favorite contestants and when they critique them no matter how bad they do, they keep a positive spin. However when another contestant takes an amazing risk and actually does well they get ripped apart.

This brings me to the first male contestant Todrick Hall. Hall performed Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” and rearranged the hell out of it. It wasn’t even recognizable, but it was for the better. I thought he stood out more so than any girl did the previous night. Ellen went first and said it was a great performance but not the best singing. Randy and Kara both said he changed the song too much. Simon said he’s a dancer trying to sing. It was a crazy arrangement verging on stupid. Hall murdered the song. Simon is crazy. He’s often times right, but sometimes he just misses the ball. It was a great performance and he ripped it apart because the vocal wasn’t amazing, but it was still very good. It’s a performance competition more so than a singing competition.

Aaron Kelly went next with Rascal Flatt’s “Here Comes Goodbye.” I thought he sounded scared and off key, I even thought he could be in danger of going home. Simon said it sounded quite good, but Kelly looked too embarrassed and not confident. Kara said he didn’t know how good he was. Randy said huge voice, little pitchy. Ellen said you’ll be here a long time. So I guess this explains “American Idol.” Some performers are beyond “Idol” while others drop right to its level.

Jermaine Sellers performed Oleta Adam’s hit song “Get Here.” I thought he was terrible. He wasn’t good with the mic at all. Sometimes he was too far away from the mic, other times he was too close. He could be in danger of going home. Ellen said she’s a huge fan, loves Seller’s look, but felt he was pushing it too much. Randy said it was too old a song and not current enough. Kara said that she thought Jermaine was trying to show everybody what he could do, but fell short. Simon said it sounded like he was screaming and that he blew his opportunity.

Tim Urban sang “Apologize” by One Republic. It was not good. He was actually cut once but replaced another contestant who had to step out. He’s probably going to get cut again, or at least he should. Simon said they made the right decision originally by not letting him through. Kara said the music over powered Urban. Randy said it was the wrong song and he doesn’t have the falsetto needed for that song. Ellen says he’ll get through for being adorable.

Joe Munoz did Jason Mraz’s “You & I Both.” I thought he had a good voice, but I’m not a big Mraz fan so I wasn’t too into the performance. Ellen liked it and said Munoz looked comfortable on stage. Randy said it wasn’t the best song choice. Kara liked that he picked a song she wouldn’t expect. Simon said that it was good, but it wasn’t good enough to make him stand out above the rest.

(Casey James)

Pretend rocker Tyler Grady took a shot at “American Woman” originally by The Guess Who, but his version was more like the Lenny Kravitz version. His voice is not good enough to stand out as “the rocker” on “American Idol.” Simon said people will remember Grady’s performance, but for the wrong reasons. He went on to call him a pretend rock star and that he needs to change it up. Kara said he needs to step out of the seventies, while Randy said Tyler was all style over substance. Ellen said he had great stage presence, but shouldn’t just mimic rock stars, bring some more excitement.

Lee Dewyze tried out Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars.” I thought he started well, but he tried to make the song better and it’s just not that good of a song. Dewyze could end up being the legitimate “rocker” if he plays his cards right. Ellen said it was a good song choice but he screamed too much. Randy didn’t like the song choice and thought he needed to be more rock like Kings of Leon. Kara said the song had too small a range and Lee tried to add to that range and it didn’t work. Simon, a Snow Patrol fan, called it the best performance. That was pretty annoying.

John Park played the jazz standard “God Bless the Child.” I was bored. He has a good voice I guess, but the song is too dated. Simon said you have to have an incredible voice to sing that song and Park doesn’t have it. Kara agreed and said there was no connection. Randy said it made John seem old, but he has a great voice. Ellen said she thought he sounded good, but it was a bad song choice.

Michael Lynche was not disqualified after all. It was reported that he was kicked off in the headlines, but when they reported that he wasn’t kicked off it was a much smaller story, so I apologize for missing it. He nailed Maroon 5’s “This Love.” I thought it was really good, he changed the song just enough and had great stage presence. Ellen loves his personality and said it was a great song choice. Randy agreed and said Lynche brought the energy. Kara said the night was depressing until Michael performed. Simon said he was like the support act for the headliner. I agree with Simon this time.

Alex Lambert performed “Wonderful World” by James Morrison. He has a mullet, so as long as he keeps that I hope he stays here forever. He’s got a great voice, but he looks scared on stage. Simon said the same thing and told Alex he needs to pull it together. Ellen compared Lambert to a banana. She said she loves bananas but that sometimes they’re not ripe enough; he needs to ripen up. Randy and Kara echoed those sentiments.

Finally we have a front runner. Casey James nailed the Bryan Adam’s song “Heaven.” It was kind of annoying because they were playing up Kara’s crush on Casey to the point where there was actually laughter in the audience during the performance. Casey almost laughed as well. That said this guy is definitely authentic. He played the song acoustically and it sounded very original; he kind of sounds like Bob Segar. The judges mainly made jokes about Kara’s obsession with James rather than critique the performance. Kara said he is eye candy and ear candy. Simon said it was honest, sincere and likable.

Last but not least was Andrew Garcia and his version of Fall Out Boy’s “Sugar We’re Going Down.” He has a good voice and it was cool to see him playing guitar, but he was real sloppy. Simon said he was looking forward to Garcia’s performance more than anybody else’s and was disappointed. Kara said Garcia took a risk but it was too strange. Randy and Ellen agreed, but they all went on to say that they really liked him. Their critiques of Garcia brought the show full circle for me, because they admitted to being excited about him the most, but were disappointed, but said he is still great. However when Hall, who went first, did a much better job, they tore him a new one. It was a frustrating episode.

So who’s going home? Tim Urban going home is almost a sure thing. I think Jermaine Sellers could be in danger. Tyler Grady, John Park and thanks to the judges critiques Alex Lambert and Todrick Hall could be some surprise eliminations, most likely though it’ll be Urban and Sellers going home. Let me know what you think, email me at bob@zoiksonline.com.

BYLINE:

"LOST: Episode 4 - 'The Lighthouse.'"

By Bry Schulz

Last night’s “LOST” episode titled "The Lighthouse" was another head scratcher. The 108th episode of “LOST” didn't so much answer any of our many questions as much as it just added to the pile. I have to admit that even I, an avid “LOST” fan, am getting a little miffed at the lack of ANSWERS coming our way. But I hold firm in my place and have faith it will all come together. Somehow. It has to. Right?

Oh so many new questions. My very first question came when Jack was getting dressed in the opening scene. The question is why doesn't Jack go shirtless more? Everyone talks about Sawyer being such a great shirtless actor but Jack was rocking the open button-down shirt look and I was impressed. Then I was quickly distracted by the fact that TA-DA Jack has a son in his sideways universe. Question number two of the night: Who's the mom? It can't be Kate. That look they exchanged at the airport wasn't a "Hey, how’s our son doing? Did you get my child support payment?" kind of look. Wouldn't it blow your mind if it was Juliet?

I found myself also pondering (and most likely uselessly) the name of the school little David was attending, St. Mary's. I can't put my finger on why it feels significant. Has there been a St. Mary's come up before? Or is it because of the heroin that was hidden in the Mary statues on the Island? It's a head scratcher for me and again, probably fruitless.

So Jack finds Kate in the jungle and just lets her go a different direction? That was new Jack behavior. Usually Jack would have found a way to tag along or make her come with him on his adventure. But he was pretty much just like "K. Have fun looking for Claire, I'll see ya around." I wonder what the deal is there? So many times we wonder if the sideways world has been affected by the Island world but now I'm wondering if it's the other way around as well. Is mellow, off-island Jack somehow sending good vibes to off island Jack? This theory gets shot to hell as soon as Jack goes ape shit on the Lighthouse mirrors but we'll get to that in a moment.

I have to devote a special moment for Claire's time on the show last night. HELLO NUT JOB!! Wow she's psycho. If she's so upset about where the hell Aaron's been for three years why did she leave him in a pile of leaves for Sawyer to find in season 4? She went wandering off with her dad, Christian, and just left Aaron. Or is her memory selective. No one took Aaron crazy hair! You left him in the jungle and Kate was kind enough to look after him. Let's be reasonable for a moment lady. I mean of all the things that could have happened to your baby, which you felt like dropping off by a tree, I think his current status is pretty pleasing all things considered. But well played by Jin on not getting his own axe to the gut. I wonder how much loonier Claire gets before this is all over?

(ABC/Mario Perez)

Back in sideways universe Jack finds his son (who's palling around with Dagon's son, COOL!) has a talent he's been trying to keep from him. Why would that be the case? Oh because you're a hoverer! Don't hover Jack! But I was impressed by Jack when he did confront David about not being more open with him. Jack even admitted to his "daddy issues" - a major theme to not just Jack but the entire “LOST” cast. Is this the chance to put an end to that cycle? Will Jack be the dad he never had? Will he be reassuring and encouraging instead of dismissive and absent? I think it'd be pretty dang cool if he really did succeed at being a father to David.

Hurley, oh Hurley. How I love thee, let me count the ways! Last night he proved he could be more than the comic relief of the show. Not that he had all sorts of range in his scenes but he did more than say "DUDE." Question number... what number are we on, 8,000? Why does Jacob show up to Hurley? What's up with Hurley? I'm not complaining because he's a pretty awesome messenger but there's got to be significance to it and I'd like to know what. The part where Hurley was in the caves with Jack and speculated 'What if the dead people are us? What if we go back in time and die?' That was great because it's a theory so many of us started wondering years ago. But seriously, I thought for a fraction of a second we were going to find out who the dead bodies were and dang it if that question isn't still burning a hole in my head!!

Finally the trek through the jungle ends at the Lighthouse. Nice bashing in of the door Jack. But what's with that huge dial/mirror contraption? So many names! Is this really Jacob's list and the names on the cave wall in last week’s episode belonged to the Man In Black? I have no clue. But I thought it was interesting that the mirror reflected places from each person’s life. I was kind of annoyed when Jack wigged out and smashed the mirror. I would have been like "Let's spy on someone!!" All he had to do was spin the dial a little and he could have looked in on Kate or someone. Wouldn't it have been really fun to actually have Jack see sideways Jack in the mirror? Maybe even walking around with David? Yes, yes it would.

So Jack is left by Jacob to sit and ponder while staring out at the ocean. This does ME and the rest of the “LOST” audience NO GOOD! What the hell conclusion is he going to come to? He should seek anger management counseling if he ever gets off the island? Maybe next time count to ten? Or is Jack thinking the ocean looks really pretty from on top of this rock? Whatever is going on I am sure I don't know. I wish I did, and I can't wait to find out. Let me say that again ABC and “LOST” creators - I can't WAIT to find out what's GOING ON!!! Until next time. Namaste!!

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"David Benke, Math teacher, prevents school shooting."

By Bob Zerull

I was a freshman at Northern Illinois University (NIU) when the Columbine school shooting took place. I can’t imagine being in that scenario. It has to be one of the scariest environments that you could ever be a part of. Ever since that horrible day I’ve had this reoccurring dream. That dream was to be the guy that saved the day. I’m hiding under the desk and some crazy person walks in with a gun scaring everyone and I make a move at him and take him down, maybe even taking a shot in the process. I think many males and probably even females have had that dream. Those dreams came back when my alma mater NIU was attacked.

I wasn’t a student at NIU when that attack happened, but I knew the Hall very well and picturing that attack in my head was terrifying. So many students had to have been helpless, there’s nothing you could do, nowhere you could go. Now my messed up dream actually had a setting. I imagined myself sneaking of the side stairs and just attacking that idiot. I think the reason we have these dreams or fantasies is because these tragedies seem so close to home. It scares us because it is such a helpless scenario. By fantasizing about preventing a tragedy like these we’re removing that helpless that scares us so much.

On Tuesday, math teacher, David Benke became a hero breaking up a school shooting in Littleton, Colorado. A thirty-two year old man named Bruco Strong Eagle Eastwood started firing at students at a middle school. Benke tackled Eastwood and with the help of another teacher pinned him to the ground. This event wasn’t a dream; it was the real deal and we here at “Zoiks! Online” just want to tell David Benke job well done sir. This world is a better place with guys like Benke living in it.

BYLINE:

"'American Idol:' Top 12 Girls."

By Bob Zerull

It’s finally here, the true beginning of “American Idol,” the top 24. Up first will be the top twelve girls, then tomorrow night will be the top 12 boys and on Thursday four contestants will be sent home. The theme to tonight’s show was unoriginality, nervousness and a lack of star power. There were a couple of good performances and a couple of failures, but no standouts.

The first girl to perform was Paige Miller. She performed Free’s “All Right Now.” Simon thinks that Paige has the best voice of all the girls but that it was a bad song choice. Kara disagreed saying that she put some soul into a rock song. Randy agreed with both Simon and Kara saying that the song has a huge, sing along chorus that doesn’t really allow her to show off her vocal ability. Ellen liked the performance. I thought Paige was OK, very forgettable. It was definitely a bad song choice.

Ashley Rodriguez went second with Leona Lewis’ “Happy.” Kara thought that there were nice moments but the song was too big for Ashley. Randy and Ellen echoed her thoughts. Simon said it was clumsy and that she was heading backwards. There was no originality in the performance and that she may be in trouble. I thought she sounded nervous and off key and could definitely be on the chopping block on Thursday.

Janell Wheeler was contestant number three. She sang “What About Love” by Heart. Randy said it wasn’t his favorite song choice. It’s a hard song to make original. Ellen loved it despite some of the notes being off. Simon said it was 100% effort delivered at 65%. Kara said that she liked Janell, but that the song was too big for her. I agree with the judges for the most part. It was OK, but kind of plain and a little off key.

Lilly Scott sang “Fixing a Hole” by the Beatles. Ellen said, “That’s what we’re talking about right there, a standout performance.” Simon said the best so far, but he’s not really feeling any star power from Lilly. Kara thought it was believable. The performance came from the heart and everyone will remember it. Randy said she was a real Indie artist. I think it was definitely the standout of the night, but at the same time her performance may be a little advanced for the “American Idol” audience. Randy Jackson compared her to an Indie artist, which I think is reasonable, but she’s playing on the most commercial show in America, so I’m not sure how it’ll work out for her.

Katelyn Epperly followed Lilly with another Beatles song, “O’ Darling.” Simon said it was messy, but he liked it. He thought it was a brave and good choice of song. Kara said that Katelyn controlled her voice very well, that she actually improved the song. She wasn’t a fan of Katelyn’s look though. Randy loved the look and the whole vibe, while Ellen thought it was great, but that it almost seemed forced. I thought that she seemed a little nervous and looked stupid, but she’s a great singer, so we’ll see.

Haeley Vaughn sang a third Beatles song, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” Kara thought that the performance was fun, but that the technical part of the performance was way off. Randy said he loved the unpredictability but that the vocals were way off. Ellen thought that she shined on stage and she enjoyed it. Simon said it was verging on terrible and that she needed to stop smiling while she performed. I was not a fan at all. I thought going into the competition she had a shot at winning it all, just because of the country genre that she performs in, but she could and should be going home after that.

Lacey Brown was up next with Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide.” Randy said it was the wrong song and that it was terrible. Ellen said that she thought Lacey was better than that. Simon said it was depressing and that as a singer Lacey didn’t know who she was yet. Kara said it felt forced and she missed a lot of notes. I thought she sounded nervous. She definitely made it her own, but she was all over the place.

Michelle Delamor took a shot at “Fallen” by Alicia Keys. Ellen thought it was fantastic and while it’s a difficult song to sing, it almost seemed too safe. Simon thought it was very professional, but that there was no WOW moment. Kara thought it was very commercial and great. Randy thought she did great but that she needs to take some risks. I thought it was solid, but that she’s a dime a dozen. I can’t imagine her winning.

Didi Benami sang “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson. Simon thought the performance was self indulgent. Kara said it was good but not memorable. Randy said it sounded great but was lacking the star factor. Ellen said that if she was at a Didi Benami concert and this was one of many songs then it’d be great, but to be the first song you go out with on “American Idol” it may not be as memorable. I thought it was good, but not one you’ll remember.

Siobhan Magnus followed up with Chris Issac’s “Wicked Games.” Kara said that she wouldn’t have picked that song for Siobhan, but she liked it. Randy said it was a tough song but that Siobhan was capable of tougher songs. Ellen forgot she was judging a competition and was just being entertained while Simon thought it was good, but not as good as she was in Hollywood. I thought she did a real good job. Maybe the best of the night, but I wouldn’t call her a front runner yet.

Crystal Bowersox is another Indie girl. She did Alanis Morissette’s “Hand in My Pocket.” Randy loved the honesty and loved that Crystal was going to do her own thing. Ellen said she adds something fresh to the show. Simon said it was good and he liked her, but that there are thousands of girls like her out there and that she is going to need to mix it up a little. Kara said she was good tonight, but that she thinks there is greatness in her. I think she is good, but like Simon said there are a bunch of girls like her out there. I know one of them personally and I don’t think she really watches “American Idol.” So I don’t think that Crystal has the audience; that said maybe the “American Idol” audience will fall for it and think Crystal is one of a kind. Who knows?

Finally Katie Stevens performs Michael Buble’s “Feelin’ Good.” Ellen said she was good, but it wasn’t very current. Katie is 17 and needs to be less conservative and act her age. Simon agreed with Ellen and called Katie’s performance almost annoying. Kara said it was a little pitchy but that Katie has ridiculous chops. Randy said that she pushed too hard and the notes were a little sharp. I thought she was decent but she doesn’t standout for me.

Who’s going home? I think it’ll come down to Ashley Rodriguez, Haeley Vaughn and Lacey Brown. I personally feel that Lacey Brown should be safe, but so far “American Idol” has given a lot of screen time to Haeley Vaughn, so that alone might allow her to survive another week, we’ll see. So far there has yet to be a front runner, but it’s early. Email me your thoughts and stayed tuned for tomorrow night’s top 12 guys.

BYLINE:

"Go Kendra Wilkinson! Go Kendra Wilkinson! You're at your plastic surgeon's now!"

By Sean Leary

Kendra Baskett is on the cover of OK! magazine in a bikini, six weeks or so after giving birth, talking about how she's lost all her baby weight, along with all her stretch marks and any other visible sign of pregnancy.

So, what's the name of her plastic surgeon?

Let's flip through the article...

Ahmmm... ahmmm.... ahmmm.... mmmmm....

Oh, wait, she says she's done it with diet and exercise.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ok, before I tear her up, let me say a few nice things about her and her husband.

As bimbos who formerly porked old dudes to get them to pay their bills go, I don't mind Kendra so much. From what I've seen of her show, she's fairly harmless - nowhere near as sassy or spoiled or shitty as a lot of her fellow bimbos/high-class escorts - and her husband seems like a nice guy. Very laid back, nice guy. I felt bad for him when he fumbled that onside kick at the Super Bowl. Seriously. And I felt a little bad for Kendra by proxy.

But I don't feel bad tearing her up for this “baby diet” bullshit.

This is a steaming pile of celebrity crap that's foisted on the gullible public by body-conscious celebs who want to prove their main calling card - their bodies - are still hard enough to make them marketable, even after childbirth. When these women get preggo, they and their agents freak out because so much of their career is based upon their looks, so they feel the urgent need to get out there and get on a cover in a bikini as soon as the plastic surgery scars heal post-partum.

And that IS how they get that way.

Sorry, but it's very rare that a woman, within six weeks of childbirth, goes back to her previous figure. I'm not saying it's rare six months after childbirth, but even then, if she doesn't have some loose skin or stretch marks, she's lucky. Most women do. It is what it is.

And that's why it sucks when celebrities do this shit.

Because it makes real women feel bad about themselves.

It makes them feel that they're somehow lacking or unlucky or not working hard enough or whatever if they can't lose that baby weight, or can't get back to where they want to after the baby's born if they can't do it within a short time window, or at all.

But the thing is, regular women don't have thousands of disposable dollars to go out and hire plastic surgeons and personal trainers and personal chefs and do all the shit that these celeb women do.

And the only reason they do it so quickly and so publicly is because it's part of their job - they bank, almost solely in some cases, on their appearance. After all, it's not like you suddenly saw Tina Fey rushing onto the cover of “Us Weekly” in a bikini six weeks after she gave birth. Because Tina Fey gets a lot of work and became famous and remains famous for reasons other than how she looks in a bikini.

That's the case with most regular women. Unless they work in a strip club or like atmosphere, there's really no reason for them to skip out on precious time with their new infant in its first couple of months in order to bust ass at the gym. Besides, if your husband or boyfriend has his head on straight, he should find you the most beautiful woman in the world for having just blessed him with a child.

And Hank Baskett seems like the kind of guy that would be that way. He seems like he would find Kendra beautiful post-partum regardless of her workout regimen.

However, Kendra's agents and casting agents for shows and modeling agents and everyone else in the business wouldn't. That's why she was probably in the gym and at the surgeon's much earlier than she should've been, which is sad.

What is it going to take to change? Will it ever change?

It could.

But it's going to take a really famous female celebrity, and one who has physical, emotional and mental beauty, one who is very admired by a large number of people, to make a stand.

It's going to take that woman posing on a cover six weeks after giving birth, not in a bikini, but with her child, looking like a normal Mom, one who considers herself blessed for all the right reasons, not one who looks like she's been pressured for all the wrong ones.

It's going to take that woman to tell the industry and its expectations and its perverse, unrealistic expectation and image of beauty to go fuck itself, and to tell and show real women that they don't need to feel insecure, that giving birth is about the baby and not an insane race to get back into a bikini, and that if they and the baby are healthy and happy two or three or six or whatever months in, well then, at that point, who cares about the other crap?

BYLINE:

Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and his website: http://www.getyourgoodnews.com/.

"Superman is the man – of big bucks."

By Jason Tanamor

Earlier this week, the very first Superman comic fetched $1 million dollars. This was the highest paid ever for a comic book. I mean, when I was child, seeing comics sell for $.75 was out of my price range. I used to barter with the guy and say, $.70. He never budged. He, I thought, was like Superman, the man of steel.

But looking at this experience, I can see why the man never budged. I wasn’t buying a copy of “Action Comics” number 1; rather it was in the realm of the death of Superman, or Superman number 513. I never knew what they meant, often going to an online site just to see the true value.

If I were to sell all of my comics at that time, I probably would have turned a profit of $.33 cents. So I never sold. I can’t imagine having something like “Action Comics” number 1. The closest thing I came to such a fortune was when I was 10 years old.

A card show was at the local mall by my house. I was looking at basketball cards, most of them ranging between the low price of $.01 to the high price of $3.00. I thought, "Who the hell is Julius Erving?" Then I saw it. It was a rookie card of Michael Jordan, selling for $90.00. At that age, I was thinking, “Who in the world would ever buy this?”

Well, fast forward many years, only to find out Michael Jordan’s rookie card sells for around $5000.00. You don’t think of that as a child. Even if I crossed path with an “Action Comics” number 1, would I really know the true value?

Having said that, when I first read the story, I thought the purchase was ridiculous. But then I realized, I have a Superman tattoo, a Superman keychain, a Superman car seat cover, numerous Superman T-shirts, and when I was 12 years old, I had Superman Underoos. I remember them well.

They fit snug, just like the real Superman’s costume. I loved these things. To add trueness to the Underoos, I safety pinned a towel around my neck and acted like it was a cape. It was pure child genius.

I wonder what those original Superman Underoos could have sold for. I say this, because I had to throw mine away due to a Super poop stain.

And although the $1 million dollar comic book sold was well-preserved, I believe, with the right stain remover, I could have unloaded my Superman Underoos for about $17.50, and that would have been soooo worth it.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Matt Damon shines in 'The Informant.'" – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

In Hollywood there are stars and there are actors and rarely do they exist in one. People like Tom Hanks or Paul Newman can claim both mantles. Now, after watching the new comedy “The Informant” you can add Matt Damon to that select group. In The Bourne series Damon is a star. “In The Informant,” Damon is both star and actor as he devilishly deals laughs while melting so perfectly into his role that even his hair is acting.

As Mark Whitacre, Matt Damon brings Midwestern values to the razors edge between character and caricature. His portrayal of a corporatized doofus from Decatur, Illinois comes ever so close to an unkind parody of a typical Midwesterner. Thankfully, Damon's deft touch and inexhaustible charm keep things at just the right pitch.

Mark Whitacre worked at ADM, Archer Daniels Midland, one of the leading corn processing companies in the world. He began his career as an agri-scientist before being bumped up to the office. Once out of the lab he never really seems to acclimate to the office life. He is good at accepting a paycheck but when his job is on the line Mark cracks quickly under the pressure.

Hiding it all behind a doofusy grin; Mark gets himself in real deep when accusations of corporate dirty tricks lead to the FBI getting involved. Scott Bakula plays the lead FBI Agent assigned to investigate, at first on behalf of ADM then eventually gathering evidence against them. Mark willingly becomes his expert witness.

Sensing a chance to play spy and buff his ego; Mark agrees to wear a wire and gather evidence that his bosses are fixing the price of corn.

The story in “The Informant” is based on a true story. Mark Whitacre is a real guy who indeed attempted to become a whistleblower only to end up admitting to crimes of his own. The book based on Mark's story is the inspiration for the movie and both are terrifically well told stories.

Steven Soderbergh adapted and directed “The Informant” with a touch of the absurd. With a jaunty score by the great Marvin Hamlisch and a comically distracted voiceover by Damon, the oddity of “The Informant” perfectly matches the oddity of Mark Whitacre, whose bizarre, ever escalating absurdity is matched only by his bizarre ability to remain an affably clueless doofus.

What a remarkable performance by Matt Damon, truly an Oscar worthy effort. Damon's Mark Whitacre is, if you can imagine, like a non-animated Ned Flanders from “The Simpson's,” all eager to please pep. He can put a bright spin on almost anything and his upbeat attitude is at once charming and utterly hilarious. By the end Damon is earning laughs with just the slightest glance.

The supporting cast of “The Informant” is a terrific assemblage of comic talent and a subliminal in joke from Director Soderbergh to educated audience. Soderbergh fills the supporting cast with some of the best stand-up comics working today. Joel McHale, Patton Oswalt, Bob Zany, and Paul F. Tompkins among others have roles in “The Informant.”

By stocking the cast with comics Soderbergh effectively creates a funny by association meta-joke. “The Informant” seems funnier just by the sight of so many funny people in the cast. It only works if you are a fan of the world of stand-up comedy and recognize these guys. If you do it's an extra giddy thrill in what is already a pretty terrific movie.

Funny, smart, exceptionally well directed and featuring an Oscar level performance by Matt Damon, “The Informant” was one of the best movies of 2009 and one you must pick up on DVD.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Cameron Diaz can't turn 'The Box' into 'Donnie Darko.'" - Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

It has been years since Richard Kelly burst on the scene with his visionary Indie flick “Donnie Darko.” With its twisting, turning, spiraling plot and psychotropic imagery, it's no surprise that “Donnie Darko” became a cult favorite. Since that unconventional masterpiece Richard Kelly has foundered.

His follow up, the dystopian L.A Sci-Fi flick “Southland Tales” was marked by delays and budget issues before finally arriving to collective ignorance. Now comes his first major league feature. “The Box” has the stylish inventiveness of Darko but with a more conventional plot.

Cameron Diaz and James Marsden star in “The Box” as Norma and Arthur Lewis, a struggling upper middle class couple living in the suburbs of Richmond Virginia with their young son Walter (Sam Oz Stone). Their lives are thrown for a loop when one day a package is left on their doorstep.

Inside the box is a wooden stand with a glass top and a tempting looking red button. The button is locked and a note inside the box informs that a man will arrive the following day with the key and an offer. The man is Arlington Steward (Frank Langella) and the offer is 1 million dollars if the Lewis's choose to push the button.

The catch, if they push the button someone, somewhere, a person they have never met, will die. With Arthur having been denied a promotion at NASA and Walter's tuition at private school going up unexpectedly, that million bucks would come in handy. Can they live with killing someone?

The moral complications of their choice are not so much the subject of “The Box.” The decision to press the button comes quickly with a minimum of weighty conversation. What Richard Kelly is more interested in is a complicated little mystery plot involving mind control and maybe even aliens.

The morality stuff is dealt with but the decision is all too simple. Once those in the audience decide for themselves what they would do the film becomes a waiting game as plot strands are plucked while others dangle unresolved. Once I made my decision I was left uninvolved by the rest of the film.

I know quite simply that I would never push the button. I could not live with taking someone’s life, even a complete stranger. The debate, what there was of it, and the aftermath were meaningless to me. Once the characters make the decision to press or not to press the button there isn’t anything for the film to do but dither about in its lame mystery.

The look of “The Box” is exceptional. The ways in which Kelly evokes the movies of the 1970's with his soft focus lens and spectacular attention to detail are engrossing. It's the same immersive quality that Kelly had in “Donnie Darko” and failed to bring to “Southland Tales.”

“The Box” is a terrific looking film that succumbs to the ease of convoluted mystery at the expense of an intriguing moral quandary. The paranormal stuff could be interesting but it feels false next to the ethical dilemma that should be central to “The Box.” As it is an intriguing idea comes out flat and uninteresting.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

"Jenna Jameson should be a bill collector."

By Jason Tanamor

One particular occupation that can’t be enjoyable is the bill collector. These people are shrewd and will stop at nothing to collect a debt. Most of the population can relate to this, from that fact that billions of dollars get written off every year.

I think the majority of people want to pay, but since collectors use distracting tones and bizarre methods, it’s very difficult to cooperate with them. Nobody wants to be yelled at or ridiculed about how money is spent here and not there, with there meaning credit card companies and other financial institutions.

If bill collectors and creditors really want to improve the collecting dilemma, then why not take a lesson from the phone sex people. The phone sex industry is one of the highest grossing businesses running today.

What’s needed in collection offices around the world are individuals with extremely sensual voices – like Jenna Jameson. A voice such as hers would make you want to hand over the dough, and in great quantities. If Jenna Jameson were a bill collector, and she ever called, then the conversation wouldn’t sound so much like a lashing from your first grade teacher. Instead, it would appear as if the person that owed money would be getting lucky for the first time in over a year.

Look at how many dates occur every night of the year. Some men don’t get lucky, but they dump their wallet out anyway. It’s the same thing. Most men and women would be satisfied talking to someone that is nice; whose voice resembled a porn star, in exchange for a few bucks.

If this ever happened, the dialogue would have to look similar to this:

“Hello, is Mr. Gaylord in?” Jenna Jameson asks.

“This is him,” answers the man who hasn’t seen action since the “A-Team.”

“Do you realize that you owe $2000 dollars to your credit card?”

“Yes, but I can’t pay right now.”

“Why not? Don’t you like me?” Jenna Jameson asks. “Is it because of my huge boobs?”

“Uh, no, um, OK, well, actually, I’m about ready to pay it.” Mr. Gaylord, harder than a brick replies.

“Well,” she says, licking her lips, “let me help you with that. Give me the check. Yeah, that’s it. Faster. Give me the check, faster. C’mon, don’t you want to give me the check?”

Mr. Gaylord ferociously starts writing, getting very excited.

“Now rip off that remittance form. That’s it. Just like that. That feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah,” Mr. Gaylord replies, as he inserts his check into the envelope.

“Did you insert it in the correct slot?” Mr. Gaylord nods his head. “Good, now lick the envelope. Is it wet enough? Good.”

“I did it,” Mr. Gaylord says.

“Yes, you sure did.”

After enduring an experience like this, I’m sure that the collection industry would see a higher response and payback rate. People that don’t even owe money would be sending out checks just to speak with a voice like this. Or at least Googling Jenna Jameson for some free pictures and videos.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Mnemonic device helps me remember."

By Jason Tanamor

""I" before "E" except after "C.""

"If you double the "C" and double the "S," then you'll have success."

"Every Good Boy Does Fine and FACE."

"HOMES"

Remember these? Of course you do, that's what they're intended to do. For those of you who don't know, these are mnemonic devices. Mnemonic, as defined by the dictionary means: To assist the memory. It's not to be confused with bubonic (as in the plague), moronic (as in the show "Amazing Race") or even ebonic (something my nephew has developed: "Israel - Is that Rolex fake? No, Israel.").

Mnemonic devices aid with a person's memory. If a person can't remember the Great Lakes, something that I'm asked to name everyday (severe rolling of the eyes), then a person can easily recall the word HOMES, for Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie and... what was it again?

Supposedly, a mnemonic device helps you remember something by remembering something, as in the aforementioned example with HOMES. Hmm...

Now, let me get this straight. If I have trouble remembering the Great Lakes, by incorporating a mnemonic device, I'll be able to remember the Great Lakes simply by remembering something to remember the Great Lakes.

OK.

By doing this, I'll have to remember TWO things now. If I have trouble remembering the ONE thing, how in the world will remembering TWO things be easier?

I personally don't use mnemonic devices. I'd rather take my chances remembering the Great Lakes than trying to remember a word like HOMES because then I wouldn't have to remember two things. I'd only have to recall one. By using such devices, a person may be forced to remember a THIRD thing in order to recall the SECOND thing so that he or she can remember the FIRST thing, such as the Great Lakes - Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, and... what was it again?

Pretty soon, when HOMES becomes forgetful, people will be forced to remember something to jolt their memory for the word HOMES, such as PLACE OF RESIDENCE. And when that fails, a person will have to remember something to remember PLACE OF RESIDENCE, something like MORTGAGE. And when MORTGAGE is of no help to you, you'll be forced to remember something to remember MORTGAGE, such as $825 A MONTH.

And on and on until a person has a memory that includes: ANTS - ANT HILLS - PYRAMIDS - GAME SHOW - WHAT IS JEOPARDY? - THE ANSWER, WHEN YOU ARE LATE ON YOUR MORTGAGE. - PLACE OF RESIDENCE - HAS A TWO CAR GARAGE - ONE AND A HALF BATHS - THE PREVIOUS OWNERS WERE CRAZY - THE LAWN HAS ASTROTURF - WHERE ARE THE POTATO SACKS? - SOMEONE CLOSE THE PATIO DOOR - BUILT IN THE 1950s - I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS OURS - AHH - HOME SWEET HOME - WHAT, YOU’RE TAKING MY FUCKING HOME? - HOMES.

Then, when a person is asked to recall the Great Lakes (something that I am asked everyday - severe rolling of the eyes), he or she can ramble off the mnemonic device just to remember that they are Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie and - and - Superior.

Now, you'll be able to remember that, won't you?

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"The Great Kat is God and the reincarnation of Beethoven."

By Bob Zerull

I don’t even know where to start. I was sent this DVD, from guitar/violin virtuoso The Great Kat, called “Beethoven’s Guitar Shred.” It is the most insane, awful, crazy and amazing thing all at the same time. She’s a terrifying individual with the guitar and violin skills above and beyond. Jimmy Fallon said this about The Great Kat, “This lady is hardcore. She plays Beethoven's symphonies the way he always intended: incredibly fast and covered in blood.” She freaked me out so much that I asked if we could do the interview via email.

Q - What inspired you to do “Beethoven’s Guitar Shred”?

A - First of all, The Great Kat is: “Top 10 Fastest Shredders Of All Time” (“Guitar One” Magazine), “50 Fastest Guitarists Of All Time” (“Guitar World” Magazine), “The 100 Wildest Guitar Heroes” (“Classic Rock” Magazine), “12 Greatest Female Electric Guitarists” (“Elle” Magazine), Juilliard graduate violin virtuoso/Concertmaster of the Juilliard Pre-College Orchestra, Winner of the Artists International Competition on Violin/Carnegie Recital Hall Debut on Solo Violin.

The Great Kat High Priestess Of Guitar Shred (http://www.greatkat.com) was inspired to create the masterpiece, “Beethoven’s Guitar Shred” DVD, to enlighten the world with genius classical music from Beethoven, Paganini, Bach, Rossini, Rimsky-Korsakov (“The Flight Of The Bumble-Bee” At 300 BPM!). And More!

Q - Can you tell us a little bit about your new DVD “Beethoven’s Guitar Shred”?

A - The Great Kat’s “Beethoven’s Guitar Shred” DVD is a showcase of guitar pyrotechnics, insane imagery, outrageous scenes, and mind-blowing guitar shredding!

Q - When you were at Juilliard were you as vocal as you are now and did you dress the same?

A - I was a serious scholarship violin student at The Juilliard School, studying violin solos, orchestra, chamber music, ear-training, piano, music history, composition, etc. I was a traditional looking classical violinist and was immersed in practicing, studying and competitions. After graduating from The Juilliard School and discovering speed-metal, I became The Great Kat - blood-dripping guitar dominatrix, fastest guitarist in the world and the loud, vicious, abusive, brutal, shredding guitar messiah we all love.

Q - I notice you often times play in front of a cross, in fact on the back of your DVD there is a picture of you playing in front of a cross. What role has Jesus Christ played in your life?

A - The Great Kat has her own religion - the Gospel of shred/classical.

Q - Do you think the band Slayer would be better if Kerry King were a woman?

A - Wake up! The Great Kat is a highly-trained virtuoso violinist and guitarist taking exact classical scores from geniuses like Beethoven and Paganini and shredding it for the 21st century.

Q - Hypothetical question: Axl Rose comes to you and says that Guns n Roses sucks and we need The Great Kat; would you help Axl out?

A - The Great Kat only shreds guitar on shred/classical genius music.

Q - Who were some of your early influences?

A - Beethoven, Wagner, Bach, Paganini, Mozart, Ozzy, Hendrix and The Great Kat.

Q - Does The Great Kat ever go on tour?

A - The Great Kat plays select shows at select venues. If you want to see the reincarnation of Beethoven shred guitar live at 300 BPM, call your local venues and demand it.

Q - I love your version of “The Flight of the Bumble-Bee.” What did you think of Nuno Bettencourt of the band Extreme’s version?

A - The Great Kat is God and can only be compared to Ludwig Van Beethoven and Niccolo Paganini.

Q - Does The Great Kat have an alter ego and if so what’s she like?

A - No! The Great Kat is a non-stop, 24 hour a day, maniacal, demonic, tyrannical, obsessed, vicious whirlwind of shredding guitar genius and classical brilliance - spreading the Gospel of The Great Kat’s shred/classical music to this ignorant pathetic world.

Q - What was your inspiration behind the video of “Islamofascists?” That was kind of creepy.

A - Creepy???!!!!! Try seeing the actual footage of innocent Americans getting their heads chopped off by Islamofascists! You can see these horrific videos for yourselves online. That’s the inspiration behind “Islamofascists” music video.

Q - You’re as good as any guitar player I’ve ever seen, if not better. Does being named top 10 and top 50 fastest shredders of all time by “Guitar One” Magazine and “Guitar World” Magazine insult you or is it a compliment?

A - The Great Kat’s guitar and violin technical brilliance stands along side Paganini, Mozart, and Beethoven in the list of the greatest virtuosos in musical history.

Q - What’s your favorite color?

A - Red - for blood! Now check out The Great Kat’s “Blood” music video (from “Beethoven’s Guitar Shred” DVD) at http://www.greatkat.com/metalvideos/blood.wmv and witness the bloody-insanity of the queen of speed.

Q - What’s your favorite Disney Character?

A - Wake up! The Great Kat is the reincarnation of Beethoven.

Q - Does The Great Kat ever get embarrassed?

A - No! Now lick my godly boot, slave!

Q - Who’s a better guitar player, Jewel or Taylor Swift?

A – Who cares! The Great Kat is the new Beethoven.

Q - Do you have a favorite “American Idol” judge?

A - The Great Kat should be judging “guitar idol.”

Q - Do you have any guilty pleasures, someone or band that you just love that we’d be surprised to hear that you love?

A - The Great Kat’s guilty pleasures: abusing, humiliating, insulting and whipping my submissive Kat slaves in my torture chamber! Care to join?

The Great Kat is God and the reincarnation of Beethoven! Shred on!

There you have it. Tell me that you’re not just a little curious about what The Great Kat is all about now? Check out The Great Kat at her website: www.greatkat.com and www.beethovensguitarshred.com.

Watch video clips from the new “Beethoven’s Guitar Shred” DVD at http://www.greatkat.com/dvd/dvd.html
Email The Great Kat at greatkat@greatkat.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Great-Kat/296984350242
Twitter: http://twitter.com/greatkatguitar
MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/greatkatguitar
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/KthomasPR
Hotline: 631-549-7578

BYLINE: