"Super Bowl Preview: Drew Brees' New Orleans Saints and Peyton Manning's Indianapolis Colts."

By Jonathan Schlosser

I’m watching the Pro Bowl as I write this, but the game everyone cares about actually comes next weekend, when the Colts face the Saints in rainy Miami. It will be the second Super Bowl for Manning’s Colts, but the Colts as a team have been to the game three times - one in Indianapolis and two while they were in Baltimore. For the Saints, this will be the first time. For them, this moment is even more monumental than for the guys on the other side of the ball. This will either help them or hurt them; it will build their intensity or it will overwhelm them. There’s no way to know and we won’t until we see them take the field, but either way it promises to be a terrific game.



First, the Saints’ offense against the Colts’ defense. The Saints have gotten a lot of press for being explosive and high-scoring and they deserve it. Drew Brees has been great and he has weapons all around him. It’s an offense built on speed: they spread the field and their receivers can all get a step. When one does, Brees is a surgeon. He finds the guy quickly and they can clip off fifteen yards a pass. Even behind Brees, Bush is a speed guy to the core. He catches out of the backfield and can take a screen to the house. It’s all about being fast.

And in that, the Colts’ defense is actually a pretty good match to shut them down. It’s a defense built, in the same way, on speed. They’re not the biggest guys, but they can move and they all run to the ball at a hundred miles an hour. They won’t have to worry about holding up the box because the Saints don’t run with power very often, and they’ll be able to drop back and cover. The key to this match-up will be how well they can keep a hold on the big play. That’s what the Bucs did when they beat the Saints during the year. If the Colts can keep a lid on the top of the field, they’ll be able to give themselves a chance to make some plays and swing the game in their favor.



Next: the Saints’ defense against the Colts’ offense. This is a defense that has thrived on turnovers. When they get them, they win. It’s that simple. They got a ton of them against the Vikings and they got fourteen points off of them while their offense was actually not doing anything. That has been their strength and a large part of how they win. As good as the Saints’ offense has been, they’ve blown people out because they tend to take the ball away from the other team, and that makes all the point spreads look that much wider.

They won’t be able to take the ball from Peyton Manning. That might be bold to say, but I really don’t think they will. Manning has been called a cyborg, a machine, a robot. None of these were all that far off. He’s been getting better every year and he’s at the pinnacle of his career. He comes up to the line and reads the defense and knows exactly what they are going to do and then he beats them. His throws are careful and he takes sacks when there is nothing open because he knows he can make it up on the next play. The Saints may be able to get their turnovers in other ways - letting the rookie receivers Collie and Garcon catch the ball and then trying to strip it, for instance - but I don’t think they’ll get more than maybe one pick. That would be a victory against Manning.

The Pick:

Like I said last week, I’m taking the Colts by four. The line came out and was right at it after I predicted it, so I’m feeling pretty good about it. I think the Saints will certainly score some points. The Colts defense might be a good match-up, but the Saints have enough weapons to break some big plays. Bush could take a punt all the way back. They’re going to get theirs. But they don’t have a hope against Manning. For a defense that lives and dies on takeaways, they’re in the worse position. Manning will figure out the Saints’ scheme by the second quarter; he’ll throw for three touchdowns, maybe one INT, and the Colts will keep scoring. Indianapolis wins 28-24.

On only one thing do I hope I’m wrong: the final score. Because this game could also be a barn-burner, like Arizona-Green Bay, and that would be insane. I hope it’s more like 49-42.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Super Bowl Preview: Drew Brees' New Orleans Saints and Peyton Manning's Indianapolis Colts."

"Absinthe will share the stage with 'Rock Star Super Nova' alumnus Dilana."

By Bob Zerull

The all female rock band Absinthe, formed by guitarist Briana Alexis back in 2007, will perform this Friday, February 5th at the Roxy Theater on the sunset strip with “Rock Star Super Nova” alumnus Dilana.

Although the band’s sound and line-up had been evolving, it is now set and Absinthe is ready to rock with current members Briana Alexis, founder and lead guitar; Cherokee Fortune, lead vocals; Misai, drums; Terri McCoy, lead guitar and backing vocals; and Raven, bass and backing vocals.



Q - How would you describe your band’s sound/style?

Briana - I think that will be a group answer. I don’t think we put or finger on it yet. There are so many influences.

Cherokee - I think that we’re still trying to describe ourselves with the new line-up the sound that we have.

Briana - Yeah, the direction we want to go and the sound that we ended up with is definitely in the heavier direction than in the past. I think that Cherokee being the new member, she’s got that heavy rock bluesy edge. Cherokee, how would you describe your voice?

Cherokee - Gosh, I don’t know. I’ve been compared to Robert Plant and people like that. I don’t know I guess I’m just a very bluesy/ballsy singer.

Q - Who would you say are the band’s biggest influences?

Briana - For me personally, my background comes from old school 80’s metal/hair bands combined with jazz or fusion. I have a whole colorful background of Guns n Roses, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, White Snake, Ratt - those are some of the bands from my background. I think everybody can put in their two cents on that.

Terri - I have a really bluesy background. A lot of people compare my style to Jimmy Page.

Q - How did the band get together?

Briana - We started in 2007; we’ve been through seven degrees of separation. We started with strings and keyboards like classical metal, but that didn’t really work at all. So we went back to our roots. We had one guitar player to start with because we had keyboards. We thought that two guitar players complement each other. I think that now we are where we want to be, with the line-up of girls that we have right now.



Q - What is the band’s writing process like?

Briana - With the new line-up we have right now, we haven’t really had a chance because we have had a lot of gigs. So we haven’t had a chance to sit down and write yet. The process is probably going to be in Terri’s living room…over a bunch of wine.

Megan - Equal input right now.

Briana - Exactly, it’s not going to be one person saying this is our song, this is how it goes. It’s going to be an equal partnership with everybody bringing their own flavor. With the line-up of musicians we have, everybody writes, which is awesome.

Q - You girls currently have nine endorsement deals, could you tell me a little bit about those?

Briana - The nine that we have are: Gibson, Tregan guitars, Seymour Duncan, Floyd Rose Upgrades, Trailer Trash Pedal Boards, Floyd Rose and In Tune tuners. We just attended the “NAMM” (National Association of Music Merchants) trade show and had a really great trade show.

Q - How does one get endorsed?

Briana - I think it’s what you bring to the table, where you or your band's going. Absinthe's been around, and has a name. Most of our sponsors are guitar related. I’ve been playing and in the industry for many years. With Gibson we're proud to be among of the family of artists.

Q - This Friday, February 5th you’ll be sharing the stage with “Rock Star Super Nova” alumnus Dilana. Tell me about that show.

Briana - They contacted us. We’re big fans of hers. I think they were looking for female bands that would be good support for her. I think we’re a really good match for her.

Q - That show is at the Roxy?

Briana – Right.

Q - What’s it like playing legendary places like The Roxy or The Whiskey, etc?

Briana - It’s surreal. You feel the energy on the stage definitely, from all the people that have been there before you.

Megan - It’s definitely very cool, because my parents were both musicians. My dad played in all sorts of venues here. He has stories about where I’m playing. It’s just cool that generational gap that’s gone on. I’ve played where my dad used to play and his friends and stuff. It’s pretty cool to follow in the footsteps of my inspirational heroes and groups I grew up listening to. It’s pretty awesome.

Briana - Terri what about you, you’ve played pretty much everywhere?

Terri - Yeah, pretty much the same thing. It is a real honor. When you up there you know who has been there before you. It’s a real privilege to be on the Roxy stage. I’m really looking forward to this show.

Briana - Cherokee just moved out here from New York, so she comes from the New York rock scene.

Cherokee - Right, I could tell you how it is to have played at CBGB’s. (Everyone laughs)



Q - You recently played at the launch of “Guitar Goddess Magazine,” what was that like?

Briana - That was awesome. That was a huge honor. We were asked to open the show. We were asked to be a headliner for the launch of the publication. Lita Ford was on the cover of the first issue which was the December issue. We’re going to be interviewed for the second issue. I’m not sure when the second issue is out, but they’re going to have full coverage of that, which was at the Gibson private show room. It was a very personal experience and an honor to the women in the business. It was a red carpet event, it was awesome.

Q - I watched you music video for the song “Weed.” Whose idea was the concept of the video?

Briana - It was a collage of a day in the life of Absinthe. It was of recent events like photo shoots and being in the studio and the making of the song “Weeds.”

Q - What would you say has been the band’s greatest achievement thus far?

Briana - There have been a lot of things, a lot of positive things in a short amount of time. For me having full endorsements is a huge honor. To be recognized as a female musician and having such great companies backing you up like Gibson and all those other companies is a big, big deal for me personally. There have been awards, interviews and reviews. And getting a great line-up of women I think is a huge achievement. I’m really, really happy with our current lineup.

Q - What does 2010 have in store for Absinthe?

Briana - Being in the studio writing new songs. I think we’re dialing in our sound.

Terri - Recording would be good, because a new CD would be real nice.

Megan - People want that.

Cherokee - I want that.

Q - Any embarrassing on stage moments?

(Group laughs)

Terri - I once tried to flip the guitar around me one time and the strap broke and the guitar went flying across stage. That was pretty embarrassing.

Cherokee - I actually fell off stage once. That was fun.

Briana - I had my heel stuck in my pedal board and had to take my shoe off.

Megan - One of the stages I played at, the drums were lifted up. Sometimes I’d stand up there and dance with our drummer and blah blah blah. I was singing and I went to step down off the platform and I rolled my ankle. I caught myself, but almost completely lost it. It’s embarrassing because everybody is looking right at you because you’re singing.

Q - Anything else you want to let your fans know?

Briana - Things are radically changing for us. There’s been a lot of attention and a lot of excitement our way. So keep checking out our website. There are a lot of things coming up that are in the works right now. So I can’t talk about them, but there are a lot of things coming up. So just check out our website, we have a video shoot at Flash Rock in a month. It’s like a live interview video shoot, so we’ll have some new footage. We’re going to have some new tunes on the site. That’s where we keep everything current.

Visit them at: www.myspace.com/absinthewomen

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is the Managing Editor of Zoiks! Online. He writes pop culture commentary, does interviews with bands, and reviews music and stand-up concerts. He also administers Zoiks! Online's Facebook page. Follow Bob on twitter at bzerull.

READ MORE - "Absinthe will share the stage with 'Rock Star Super Nova' alumnus Dilana."

"'LOST' Season 6 opener – the first four minutes."

By Jason Tanamor

Apparently, ABC Studios sent out 815 copies of the opening scene of “Lost” season six to some lucky contest winners. One lucky fan posted it. Thanks to BuddyTV for the heads up. Only a few more days till the real deal, so savor this.







BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "'LOST' Season 6 opener – the first four minutes."

"Miss Virginia's Caressa Cameron is crowned Miss America 2010. What now?"

By Jason Tanamor

After all the anticipation, someone has finally been crowned Miss America. That someone is Caressa Cameron, Miss Virginia.



According to an article at MSN.com “Cameron, a 22-year-old from Fredericksburg, Va., won a $50,000 scholarship and the crown in Las Vegas after a pageant that started with 53 contestants. She outlasted her opponents in swimsuit, evening gown, talent and interview competitions.”

And that’s great. But what does a Miss America pageant winner really do after being crowned Miss America? I have absolutely no idea. But we will see. What I do know is that the Miss America Organization is the largest provider of scholarships to women.

The article stated, “Cameron, crowned by 2009 Miss America Katie Stam, will embark on a yearlong run with the title to represent the organization and raise awareness for her chosen platform.”

Don’t get me wrong, even though I don’t watch the Miss America pageant, I think there is more to it than just strutting around in an evening gown and answering questions, something that the majority of people ignorant to what the pageant really represents probably believes.



Being able to talk about Cameron’s passions and raise awareness is a big deal, especially when so many people are wrapped up with what Lady Gaga is doing, or who Jennifer Aniston is dating.

When asked about her thoughts on fighting childhood obesity, Cameron said, “We need to get our kids back outside, playing with sticks in the street like I did when I was little… Expand your mind, go outside and get to see what this world is like.”

Unfortunately, seeing all that good stuff after the fact you’re crowned isn’t as big a spectacle as seeing 53 beautiful women parading up and down in bikinis. Anytime a contestant is visible in the media after the pageant is when they are caught in a sex tape with an ex-boyfriend or topless in a magazine.

The bottom line is that average folks watching the pageant envy the pretty people of the world, because a lot of them dream about being Miss America, or at least pretty. These contestants just want to do what they are passionate about, but putting them in gowns and bikinis is why viewers see them as nothing more than a hot piece of meat. They want to be Miss America in the sense of doing good for a cause, and not what they are envisioned to be, which is Miss Understood.

Maybe that should be a competition someday.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Miss Virginia's Caressa Cameron is crowned Miss America 2010. What now?"

"Gay dating site ManCrunch.com not set for Super Bowl or CBS."

By Jason Tanamor

Apparently, gay men can’t find each other on Super Bowl Sunday. That’s because, in an article at EW.com titled, “GLAAD: CBS’ Super Bowl ad rejection seems like a ‘homophobic double standard,’” CBS has rejected a proposed ad from a website called ManCrunch.com.



The article states, “The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has released a statement asking CBS to publicly explain its advertising standards after rejecting a proposed Super Bowl commercial from gay dating website Mancrunch.com. The statement points out that the rejection follows the network having recently approved a controversial Super Bowl spot from the Christian organization Focus on Family.”

Wait a minute here. CBS and the Super Bowl brought us Janet Jackson’s boob, but not gay men dating. But is this really CBS having a double standard as the article suggests or an action to get free publicity for virtually an unknown website?

“In its rejection letter to Mancrunch, CBS also cited trouble with verifying the company’s credit status - a 30-second spot costs an estimated $2.6 million. A rep for Mancrunch claims the company has the money and even offered to pay cash upfront for the commercial.”

Really?



Let’s think about this for a second. Even if you had that money, why on Earth would you want to promote a gay dating website during the Super Bowl? So millions of football fans can meet other football fans by coming out and saying, “I’m gay and I watch football?”

This just doesn’t make sense. Segment wise the gay male market isn’t there for $2.6 million dollars. According to the article, “Targeting a Minority without Alienating the Majority: Advertising to Gays and Lesbians in Mainstream Media,” there are three primary options to reach out to the homosexual consumer.

“The first is to appeal to gay and lesbian consumers by placing homosexually-oriented advertisements in traditional gay and lesbian print media such as “Out” and “The Advocate.""

“The second is to consider reaching to homosexual consumers in mainstream media using advertisements containing homosexually-oriented content.”

“The third option is to leverage homosexual subcultural symbolism in advertisements in the mainstream media.”

This is something far from football, belching and slapping men on the ass – wait a minute. Unless you categorize slapping another man on the ass as homosexual.

What I see here is CBS rejecting an ad for one reason and ManCrunch coming after them for its own reason. Who is right here? Who knows? Honestly, who cares?

The reality is that CBS will get its way for having the approved ads it wants and ManCrunch will have its way by getting free publicity out of it.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Gay dating site ManCrunch.com not set for Super Bowl or CBS."

"Mel Gibson is remarkable in 'Edge of Darkness.'" – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

No one is likely to forget Mel Gibson's off-screen issues anytime soon. From his disturbing 'Passion' to his arrest and subsequent bashing of the Jewish people, Mel Gibson's private life has become very public and it affects everything the public perceives about him. All of this is part of what makes his performance in the thriller “Edge of Darkness” so remarkable.



Less than 10 to 15 minutes into what you are expecting to be a rather generic thriller, based on the somewhat innocuous title and vacuous TV campaign, Mel Gibson and director Martin Campbell make you forget, if only briefly, about Mel Gibson's character issues, focus on his movie character and the snaky, violent plot in front of him.

In “Edge of Darkness” Mel Gibson is Boston police detective Tommy Craven. He has just welcomed home his only child, Emma (Bojana Novakovic) and brought her home. The welcome is short-lived as Emma falls ill and Tommy rushes her to the hospital. That was the plan anyway; just as Craven opens the door to his home, a man calls out his name and a shotgun blast blows Emma right back through the doorway.

The violence in this scene is quick and merciless and sets the tone for the rest of the picture. Naturally, Tommy will conduct his own investigation of his daughter's murder. From here you may expect “Edge of Darkness” to become predictable and fall into typical thriller beats. It does not, in fact Gibson and Director Campbell forcefully make moves in this plot to avoid the typical and drive toward a narrative filled with surprise and suspense.



Lost in all of Mel Gibson's off-screen issues is the fact that he has always been exceptionally talented. His intensity, his physicality, his self effacing humor have all played a role in defining him as an actor capable of moving audiences in many different ways. He makes use of all of his gifts in “Edge of Darkness” and crafts his best performance since “Braveheart.”

Director Martin Campbell is a rising star. He was the director who re-launched the Bond series with the adrenalin fueled “Casino Royale.” Campbell has always been a strong action director but in “Edge of Darkness” he takes great care to deliver a directorial style that is free of the typical action beats and gets right to point of each scene.

There is very little wasted effort in “Edge of Darkness.” Take a scene where Craven is kidnapped. We've been here before, we know what to expect. All of sudden the scene is over and we are back into the plot. No talking killer, very little dialogue at all. It's a minor tweak of what is expected but it seems any departure from the expected can be a welcome change in this day and age.

“Edge of Darkness” does not reinvent the thriller, it's just made better. Better performances, better direction and most importantly, better Mel Gibson. After wandering off the path of stardom with his unfortunate behavior, Mel Gibson is poised for a strong career third act. Let's hope that his off-screen stuff is behind him and more films with the quality and excitement of “Edge of Darkness” are ahead.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Mel Gibson is remarkable in 'Edge of Darkness.'" – Movie Review.

"Countdown to 'LOST.' Let's talk top 10 episodes!"

By Bry Schulz

As the countdown to the final season of "LOST" continues I thought I would share with you "Entertainment Weekly's" list of "Top Ten Essential Episodes." I love reading things like this! Especially because as much as I wish I had the time to re-watch all 5 seasons of "LOST" before February 2nd my personal time/space continuum does not allow for such a thing. I've seen every episode, and most more than once, at some point in my psychotic, addictive, obsession with "LOST." So these little lists refresh my memory and remind me of things I've forgotten.



So let's start shall we? Here's a link to "EW's" list so you can follow along there too if you like: http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20313460_20339739,00.html

My take on "EW's" Top Ten List:

Number 1) "Pilot" - Season One Premiere.

Ah, yes, indeed this one would be on the list. How can you forget the first time you were introduced to Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Charlie, et all? I remember immediately thinking Jake and Kate ought to be together. (keep in mind I'm a woman). I also remember seeing Sawyer smoking and thinking "he's gonna turn into a dick as soon as his supply of those runs out". I remember the end where John Locke looks at Walt from across the beach and smiles revealing the orange peel and thinking "That guy is so freakin' weird!" (or was it Kate he gave the orange smile too?) But more important than any of that random bumbling is that I was hooked from the word Go! And this episode was that verb.

Number 2) "Walkabout" - Season One, Episode Four.

In this episode the show reveals that Locke was (up until the plane crash) confined to a wheel chair. Truly one of "LOST's" first 'oh hell naw' moments! You realize that this weirdo is now a healed weirdo. I think this is when the shows theories really began to flow. Speculating that the island was 'Pergatory' was soooo the cool thing to do back then. Oh, back when we were innocent fools who knew nothing of Ben and Jacob and... well you know.

Number 3) "Orientation" - Season Two, Episode Three.

This was after we had a few episodes to tour the Swan Station and were thoroughly intrigued. I remember when they watched the "Orientation" film and afterward Locke says "We're going to need to watch that again." I could still watch that again. Part of me still doesn't get it. I mean to say it's such a crazy thought, especially knowing what we know now! Here was that guy in the lab coat with about 4 or 5 names trying to explain what the hell was going on in the hatch. A lot was going on in the hatch! And then again, if the hatch was just blown up in 1977 (via season 5's finale) maybe nothing goes on in the hatch!?!?

Number 4) "A Tale of Two Cities" - Season Three Premiere.

I remember the year this aired I was working the late shift for the local news station as a news photographer. I had to TiVo the episode and watch it with the volume low so I wouldn't wake up my sleeping husband at One in the morning. That plan was shot to hell when in the first 2 minutes of the episode we see the plane crash, Juliet disses Ben, and then the slow zoom out where you realize these houses are on the ISLAND! I stood up and yelled! I get really excited when cool stuff happens on this show, which is frequently! But that reveal where you realize there's a mini, civilized, pseudo-town on the island you're like "WHAAAT?" I love it! Thank you "LOST."

Number 5) "The Man Behind the Curtain" - Season Three, Episode 20.

Ah, episode 20. Oh how I wish we had that many episodes in a season now! The "EW" reviewer lists this episode as a 'doozy' and I have to say exatamundo! We learned a lot in this episode. So much about Ben, his parents, Alpert's agelessness, and of course Jacob! Now that we've seen a bit more of Jacob and know a bit more (not too much of course, thanks to those rascally, rascals over at Team Darlton) about Jacob I wonder about that cabin character. Is it really Jacob or is it 'the man in black' parading himself to be Jacob? Oh, yet another one of the questions the final season may answer for us.



Number 6) "Through the Looking Glass" - Season Three Finale.

There are so many memorable things about this episode. I always loved Charlie and his incredible personality, he was a favorite character of mine by far. In the episode he makes a list of his "greatest hits" from his life. I remember one of them was when he saved Nadia (Sayid's long lost love! OMG) and she told Charlie he was a hero. And for a character I always rooted for I was proud he realized what he was, a hero. He proved that eternally by giving his life to save his friends and the end of that episode always makes me cry! Of course this episode was a big deal for another reason! It was the first time we saw a flash-FORWARD! Another one of those moments where I stood up (alone in my living room, in the dark at one a.m.).

Number 7) "The Constant" - Season Four, Episode Five.

This will definitely live on as one of LOST's absolute greatest episodes! At the time this episode aired we were jumbling our brains to get a grip on what was going on with time and the characters. We had been introduced to the freighter folk and Daniel Faraday was busy trying to make some sense of what the crap was going on! But the best part of all was the end of the episode when Desmond finally made his Christmas Eve phone call to Penny, his constant. An action that saved Desmond's life and one that made many of us sob and bawl like idiots. The Desmond/Penny love story could be the best one of the show and I can not wait to see what they do in season six!

Number 8) "Because You Left" - Season Five, Episode One.

First off, does this show not have the absolute greatest titles to it's episodes? I mean for real!? When I heard the season six premiere will be titled "LAX" I almost peed my pants! And in regards to "Because You Left" I will quote Doc Jenson who said "Time travel. Mind-blowing. Head-hurty. Awesome. The episode in which "Lost" loudly and proudly declared itself a geektacular sci-fi opus." Indeed, Doc, indeed! Head-hurty for sure. It was around this time last year when we saw this episode. Can you remember how you felt when you saw it? I remember wondering how in the name of Hugo Rayes were they planning to go back to the island? (Thanks for that, BTW, Mrs. Hawking).

Number 9) "The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham" - Season Five, Episode Seven.

So we knew John Locke had to die, Richard told him he would have to in the first episode of season five. (near the Nigerian plane, remember?) And we finally figured out just how Locke would become dead. Oh Benny boy, such an evil Mo-Fo! But yet another stand up and shout at the television moment in "LOST's" viewing history. (seriously, what am I going to stand in my living room and shout at after LOST is over? My children?)

Number 10) "The Incident" - Season Five Finale.

Oh so much happens in the last episode of season five. We meet Jacob and the man in black for the very first time. We see them on the beach and the man in black says to Jacob "Do you have any idea how much I want to kill you right now?" To which we all went "SAY WHAAT?" Who is the man in black? Is he the devil? Is he the smoke monster that judges you and decides your fate? Oh the answers are so close! Just days away maybe! We also saw the crew decide it was time to take matters of fate into their own hands and blow up the h-bomb! If you want to talk about goose-bump, hair standing up on the back of your neck, stand up and scream moments of "LOST" this episode holds the pinnacle of them all. The very end when Juliet whacks that bomb with all her might and the television screen when WHITE (instead of it's usual black), that was a moment of sheer television pleasure. So frustrating though! I mean could they not have shown us 30 seconds of what comes next?

What comes next is getting closer by the second. I have no idea how this show will continue to make me stand up and yell but I know that it will. As an avid (and rabid) fan for 5 years I am ready on the edge of my seat for Tuesday, February 2nd, at 8pm! It's time to learn what blowing up that h-bomb meant for the "LOST" characters. Will they find their redemption? Will they reset their place in time? The answers are coming. I hope.

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable.

READ MORE - "Countdown to 'LOST.' Let's talk top 10 episodes!"

"Stephanie Pickard paid $20 to study under Paul Gilbert." - Part One.

By Bob Zerull

Recently I was given the opportunity to interview Stephanie Pickard. We came across her in our dealings with the band Cockpit, whom Stephanie recently joined. Stephanie is an amazing guitar player. Check her out at http://www.stephaniepickardmusic.com/. The interview ran long so it is going to be a two parter. In this first part Stephanie gets into her early influences and how she paid $20 to study under Paul Gilbert.



Q - What age did you start playing guitar?

A - I was about 14 or 15 when I started playing. Which actually feels kinda late but when I found guitar I quit everything else I was doing and became very focused, so who knows?

Q - You grew up in the age of grunge and nu metal. Neither of those genres are really known for their amazing guitar solos, what made you not only want to learn how to play guitar, but learn as well as you have?

A - Well first off thanks! When I started out on guitar it wasn't to become a lead guitar player. I was a freshman in high school and had always loved singing, but never pursued it. But when I was 14 I started writing lyrics and singing them. My parents overheard and my dad suggested I learn a couple of chords so I could turn them into songs. Shortly after that I began taking lessons and fell in love with guitar. All I wanted to do was get better at it and I completely ignored the singing and focused solely on my guitar playing, which now I see as a good thing cause I don't know if I had pursued singing and playing at the same time if I would've spent as much time learning to solo and all the details of guitar.

Q - Who were your major influences?

A - When I started playing and getting more and more into it they were changing rapidly! For a long time it was Hendrix, Zeppelin and Cream. When I was a senior in high school though I started hanging out with the metal kids a lot and they introduced me to Children of Bodom. Then I got more into other metal bands and all the shred guitar players.

Q - Looking at your Myspace page I see that Paul Gilbert gave you a positive review. What's it like to know that a living legend like Paul Gilbert has listened to your playing and liked it?

A - I hope it's OK to have that up there - he said it to me in person, but I didn't ask him if I could put it up (laughs), so sorry Paul! Yeah it was definitely surreal, I was lucky enough to get a few lessons with him when I was going to the Musicians Institute. Everyone was actually supposed to just get one lesson, but I paid another student twenty bucks so I could have theirs too (laughs)! He started off all the lessons with us jamming in no specific key while he scratched the guitar to keep tempo and just kind of let us go, commented on our playing and gave suggestions. My private instructor at the Musicians Institute, Ernesto Homeyer, really pushed me to work on my vibrato. He said people would assume I would have a bad vibrato because a lot of guys tend to think of it as a masculine thing. I spent a lot of time working on my vibrato and for Paul to notice it was really cool, especially since he is one of my favorite guitar players!



Q - I enjoyed Cockpit's EP "Mission to Rock." I noticed on your Twitter account you said you were in Cockpit. Does that mean you're in the band?

A - I believe I am!

Q - How did that come to be?

A - The girls were hopping on the last leg of the Supersuckers tour in November and needed someone to fill in on lead guitar. I had actually met and played with them about three years before, filling in for a show at the Viper Room. At the time I wasn't ready to join the band, I was still in school and figuring out what I wanted to do, etc. Luckily they thought of me and I got a call from Linda Lou asking if I was available. The timing was perfect and within a week we were rehearsing. In a month we were on the road. After the shows were done, the girls told me they didn't want to lose me and added me in the band. We've been playing together since and it's worked out great.

Q - Now that you're with Cockpit, will that be your full time focus or will you still be working on solo music as well?

A - I have definitely put Cockpit first. However, I love writing music and my solo stuff is so different from what we do that I actually write completely different parts for each project anyway. Before Cockpit, my music was my only project so now instead of ignoring it completely I'd rather just work twice as hard. Joining a band is a serious commitment though so I plan on not letting my project interfere with Cockpit at all. It's more of something I do for myself right now.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is the Managing Editor of Zoiks! Online. He writes pop culture commentary, does interviews with bands, and reviews music and stand-up concerts. He also administers Zoiks! Online's Facebook page. Follow Bob on twitter at http://twitter.com/bzerull

READ MORE - "Stephanie Pickard paid $20 to study under Paul Gilbert." - Part One.

"Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel's chemistry make 'When in Rome.' But nothing more." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

An explanation: In the past I have been accused of being too hard on kid’s movies while going easy on cheesy romantic comedies. This is not inconsistency or hypocrisy. The fact is that children with their still forming brains in desperate need of development in the area of critical thinking must be protected. Teens and adults, the audiences for cheesy romance, need no such protection.



Fully aware of the dopey clichés of the romantic comedy, the teen and adult audience can safely view even the lamest examples of the genre with little damage. Occasionally, some of these overly familiar, simpleminded romances are so simple and so aware of their limitations that our lowered standards are appropriate and fair ways to judge them. Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel's “When in Rome” is a perfect example. Dull witted with terrible supporting characters, the film has charms for the forgiving audience.

In “When in Rome” Kristen Bell stars as Beth, a museum curator who is shocked when her little sister Joan (Alexis Dziena) shows up at her door engaged to be married. Joan is getting married to man she met on a plane and has known for about two weeks. He's from Rome and the wedding will be there forcing Beth to drop everything, including an important bit of work, to run off for two days.

At the wedding Beth meets Nick (Josh Duhamel), the Best Man. The two have a couple of charming romantic and funny moments. With Beth flubbing a couple wedding traditions and Nick's penchant for stumbling about, these two bond quickly with each other and we with them.



Naturally, it is too early in the film for them to be together. Thus, Director Mark Steven Johnson separates the two with a typical misunderstanding, this one leaving Beth drunkenly dancing in the Fountain De Amore, the Fountain of Love, where she steals some coins tossed by men searching for love. The coins are enchanted and the men will follow her back to New York to try to win her heart. So will Nick, but is one of the coins his?

Yes, the plot is lame and worse yet; several of the supporting performances are abysmal. Jon Heder plays a terribly unfunny street magician. Will Arnett wears a ridiculous wig and an even more ridiculous Italian accent as a wannabe artist. Dax Shepard is an offensively self involved male model who though enchanted struggles to like Beth as much as he likes himself.

Danny Devito is the only one among the group to salvage any dignity as a sausage magnate tries to impress Beth with gifts of meat. Devito gets a nice moment late in the film explaining the motivation behind his coin in the fountain; it's all that keeps him from being as humiliated as Heder, Arnett and Shepard.

The supporting players are, aside from Devito, pretty terrible but thankfully not so bad that they sink the whole film. That is because Kristen Bell, in her first starring role, and Josh Duhamel have such great chemistry. The two former TV stars, she on “Veronica Mars,” he opposite James Caan on “Las Vegas,” are just so darn cute together.

Bell has an edgy almost angry energy that is leavened by a great smile and ability to roll with the punches as the humiliations pile up. Duhamel undercuts his handsomeness with some good solid slapstick. Nick stumbles, walks into walls and drops down shafts and Duhamel plays the pain well. His back story as a former College Football star famous for one shocking moment on the field plays to his clumsiness.

Do not be mistaken, “When in Rome” is far from great. The film requires a great deal of patience and willingness to suspend judgment but for the willing, Bell and Duhamel make a charming and great looking pair. While she smiles and takes her many humiliations in stride, he just stumbles about and they never stop being likable. That was enough for me to recommend “When in Rome.”

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel's chemistry make 'When in Rome.' But nothing more." – Movie Review.

"'LOST:' 5 days to go!"

By Bry Schulz

The countdown to February 2nd continues!

With less than 5 days to go until the "LOST" season premier it's getting really hard for me to think about anything else. Obviously I'm not alone. The great folks at "Entertainment Weekly" are dedicating the cover (and a lot of the inside) of this weekend's magazine to "LOST." (check out a preview here: http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/01/28/lost-sneak-peek-final-season/)



The magnificent Doc Jensen ("EW's" resident "Lost" genius) spoke to uber producers of "LOST," Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof. (aka team Darlton). What they said may or may not be MIND BLOWING, we'll have to see the whole article in this week's issue. Whether the entire interview reveals much to us about season six secrets or not, it's safe to say they have their game faces on.



It doesn't sound like Darlton will be shedding any light as to what secrets will and won't be revealed. As for that info we will just have to watch the show and see! Enjoy the "LOST" edition of "Entertainment Weekly."

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "'LOST:' 5 days to go!"

"The State of Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry on 'American Idol.'"

By Bob Zerull

What I love about this country is that we made sure The State of the Union address didn’t interfere with “Lost” or “American Idol.” I hate The State of the Union address. I only hate it because of the immature grown men and women that run this country. How old are these people? They act like their 10 years old, stand up when they’re happy and cheer, sit down when they’re mad and jeer, it’s childish. But I’m here to talk about “American Idol.”



I said that I’d probably not write another column until Hollywood week. I lied...sort of. Tuesday night “American Idol” headed to Hollywood to look for contestants. Plus enough has happened in the “American Idol” world to talk about. This Tuesday’s guest judges were Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry; and Wednesday night, Neil Patrick Harris and Joe Jonas. Tuesday night was a much more entertaining night.



I especially enjoyed when Avril Lavigne, wearing a hoody with devil horns, was the only judge to tell a pastor who had a great voice “no,” just because he had a family. That said she was probably right. I also enjoyed the disagreements between Kara DioGuardi and Katy Perry. The show tried to make it look like they were feuding even though it was clearly playful. It was still entertaining nonetheless. Katy Perry enjoyed guest hosting so much so that she has come out saying that she’d quit her career as a performer to be a full time judge. Simon’s replacement? Don’t hold your breath.

In other “Idol” news Michael “Big Mike” Lynche has been disqualified from the competition. He made the top twenty-four and his dad leaked it to the local media that Big Mike made it…which is against the rules and apparently not the first time this has happened. Ellen DeGeneres makes her debut February 9th during Hollywood week.

For those of you who like a “Biggest Loser” update, I thought I’d let you know that another fat person was sent home this week. Also for at least a few more episodes they are still “Lost.”

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is the Managing Editor of Zoiks! Online. He writes pop culture commentary, does interviews with bands, and reviews music and stand-up concerts. He also administers Zoiks! Online's Facebook page. Follow Bob on twitter at bzerull.

READ MORE - "The State of Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry on 'American Idol.'"

"'LOST': 6 days to go!"

By Bry Schulz

I'm so excited for the sixth season of “LOST” to start I can hardly contain myself! Every time I see any “LOST” promos on TV or posted on Facebook or whatever I have to stop what I'm doing immediately to watch. Unfortunately those sneaks over at ABC have not let any season six footage out. It's genius really. I'm so on the edge of my seat with anticipation I can hardly think straight. Every second of season six will be a surprise now because the producers of “LOST” decided not to show anything. Usually you see promos and commercials and can see where things are going but not this time. "The suspense is killing me, I hope it'll last!" - Val Kilmer, “Real Genius.”



So, what do we do for the next six days but sit around rocking while clutching our knees to our chests? I have a few ideas. One, we can talk about what we know and what we hope to know. Two, we can watch every available “LOST” DVD repeatedly; scanning for things we may have missed the first 100 times we watched them. Three, we can let each other know when a new viral video promoting “LOST” has been leaked. I say we take part in these steps regularly until next week; otherwise we may not be able to function.

Step one:

A) What we know: We know Juliet blew up the H-bomb. We know Sayid is injured badly. We know Jack wants Kate back. We know Sawyer is in love with Juliet. We know Locke is "dead." We know there's an impostor walking around looking a lot like Locke. We know Jacob has been stabbed/killed by Ben.

B) What we want to know: What happened after the H-bomb went boom. (IE: is Sayid injured/uninjured? Does time reset itself allowing Jack to get Kate back, Sawyer to be with Juliet?) What will happen to Locke and impostor Locke. Is the man in black good or bad? Is Jacob good or bad? Is Jacob dead at Ben's hands? Uh, so much to ponder. I can't even guess. I don't even want to guess. I'd be wrong!



Step two:

I've been re-watching season five on DVD. So far I have not noticed anything new. I think I did a pretty serious job over-analyzing every second of it when it aired last year. But I will stick with it in the off chance that something will pop up that solves every mystery for me. If that happens I'll be sure to write a spoiler “LOST” article for you.

Step three:

Together search the net for new “LOST” promos. I have one. A friend posted this on her Facebook. It's a fan made video using past “LOST” footage. It's very good. It gave me goose bumps in fact.

Check it out on YouTube here:



I had almost forgotten about Sayid shooting little Ben. That reminds me of my favorite “LOST” quote from last season. "A 12 year old Ben Linus just gave me a chicken salad sandwich. How do you think I'm doing?" - Sayid.

I hope we can all make it through the next few days in one piece. I know it's going to be difficult.



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "'LOST': 6 days to go!"

"Bruce Willis is the only good thing about 'Surrogates'" – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

Bruce Willis is the last of his kind, a real star. People go to the movies to see Bruce Willis. His plots don't really matter. The stories he tells and characters he plays have grown more and more outrageous and ludicrous and yet fans still turn out. The latest example is “Surrogates” which, while not a massive success when released last September, would likely not have made as much as it did without Willis.



This derivative story of a murder in a world where sentient robots carry out the daily lives of real humans never raises to anything more than an exercise in genre and thus carries no real interest on its own merits. And yet, people turn out. Willis is a star and the only reason to spend money on “Surrogates.”

Set just over a decade from now, Bruce Willis stars as FBI Special Agent Greer. With his partner Peters (Radha Mitchell), Greer investigates the first murder in over a decade. Violence has grown almost non-existent in the last decade as more and more humans replaced themselves with sentient robots called “Surrogates.”

These “Surrogates,” or ‘surrys’ as some call them, can't grow old, get sick and if one is damaged it is simply repaired or replaced. All the while humans control the surrys with their minds from the comfort and safety of their homes. I am told that this technology is not merely the stuff of science fiction but a real possibility.



Things are all hunky dory until Greer and Peters are called to the scene of an assault and are shocked when a pair of surrogates is linked to a pair of dead users. Somehow, the weapon employed by the assailant managed to kill the robot and its controller. The implications are staggering to the characters in the movie but anyone with a degree in plot dynamics already has the gist of the lame conspiracy thriller soon to unfold.

The plotting is obvious, especially after we are subjected to the shady corporate villains and equally shady military types who emerge as early suspects. All are going to be involved in some way and in some fashion punished per the plot requirements of such simpleminded storytelling devices.

On the bright side, the entire mediocre story is told through the always compelling presence of Mr. Willis and the capable, if predictable, direction of Jonathon Mostow (“Terminator 3”). Willis on his worst day is more compelling and charismatic than most of the men in his line of work. His cocksure walk, bullet head and ferocious spirit give him an unpredictable quality that brings life to even the most predictable of plots.

Willis is our tour guide through the lame plot and while he is engaged, so are we. You have to be a fan of his brand of brusque charisma to enjoy “Surrogates.” If not, don't bother because it is really all that this movie has going for it.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Bruce Willis is the only good thing about 'Surrogates'" – Movie Review.

"'Michael Jackson's This Is It' highlights the King of Pop." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

The morbid truth of “Michael Jackson’s This Is It” is that many in the audience will spend much of the film's two hour run time searching for clues to how Michael Jackson died. Shot just weeks before his death on June 25th 2009, “This Is It” shockingly shows a Michael Jackson who is lithe, agile, adroit and in control. A musical auteur crafting his music like a pro and creating a whole new musical experience that could have changed his legacy.



The Michael Jackson of “This Is It” does not look like a drug addict or a man in desperate pain. Granted, these two hours were cut from hundreds of hours of footage where Jackson's troubles may not have been readily apparent. Nevertheless, based on what we see, Jackson is healthy and mentally, he's not merely aware; rather he is adept and fully in control. In fact he is the vision of a visionary artist.



The footage compiled for “This Is It” was meant for Michael's private collection. After he died Michael's family and business partners convinced Jackson's friend and “This Is It” director Joe Ortega to cut the footage and give fans one last glimpse of The King of Pop. Ortega has done that and more giving us the musical legacy of Michael as well as glimpses of a star who never whined or cried, never acted like a diva, but a perfectionist and a creator.

It is the vision of Michael Jackson that fans wish were the dominant image of Jackson rather than the alien figure of tabloid headline. It is a sad irony that Jackson's death would deliver this change in Jackson's fortune, warping his image back to icon from oddball. It's sadder still that the potential of “This Is It,” the actual London performances, could have done what his death seems to have done, which is restore Michael's legend. From the footage in “This Is It,” you can see such a spectacle and so much raw, visionary talent, that you can't help but speculate that Michael, barring anymore odd behavior, might have clawed his way back to icon status.

The mystery of Michael Jackson's death provides an eerie and morbid fascination but the lasting impact of “This Is It” may be as the final word on Michael Jackson's legacy, beyond the oddity, the talent wins out and Michael goes into history as remarkable singer and visionary showman. Oh, what might have been?

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "'Michael Jackson's This Is It' highlights the King of Pop." – Movie Review.

"Tiger Woods' wife should just become a slut."

By Jason Tanamor

New details emerged about the night Tiger Woods got into his one car accident into a tree. Apparently, according to an article on Celebuzz.com titled, “Tiger Woods' Wife Obviously Isn't Very Trustworthy,” Elin Nordegren waited for Tiger to fall asleep, only to use his phone to text Woods’ mistress #1, Rachel Uchitel.



The article stated, “Upon discovering one message that Tiger had sent to his alleged mistress, New York-based club hostess Rachel Uchitel, that read, ‘You are the only one that I loved,’ Elin concocted a stealth sting operation.”

“A little after 1 a.m., Nordegren, posing as her husband, texted Uchitel with a message reading, ‘I miss you. When are we seeing each other again?’ At which point, Uchitel made the fatal blunder of sending a message back indicating that they had just spoken earlier that evening.”

Once Nordegren received the text back, in stealth sting operation style, she quickly called Uchitel and confronted her. “’I knew it was you,’ Nordegren told an unsuspecting Uchitel, who promptly replied, ‘Oh, f*ck’ and hung up.”



Score one for the obvious wife who isn’t very trustworthy. While Tiger was drugged up on Ambien and in bed, Elin Nordegren did what any spouse would do who is suspected of cheating. To say Woods’ wife isn’t trustworthy is kind of a ridiculous statement.

Elin Nordegren is the victim in this relationship. Sure, she married Tiger Woods because he’s Tiger Woods, but does she deserve to be treated this way? I don’t believe so. To get back at Woods, and not just by taking half a billion dollars and his kids away, Elin should go out and make a public service announcement saying that not only did Tiger Woods cheat on her with multiple women, but the reality is that Tiger Woods really isn’t very good in bed. That she married him for money and fame. That his penis comes from the Asian side and not the African-American side. And that people could hate her all they want, but she’s going to have half a billion dollars, his kids, and any man who roots for Phil Mickelson.

Why not? Elin Nordegren has Tiger by his 3 wood. Since Tiger goes by the slogan “Just do it,” Elin could have one of her own: “Just do me.”

After all, Elin is better looking than all of Tiger's mistresses.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Tiger Woods' wife should just become a slut."

"Not merely another torture porn horror series, 'Saw 6' is brilliant." – DVD Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

Since the series debuted in 2004 I have been trying to convince people of the insidious brilliance of the “Saw” movies. Not merely another torture porn horror series, the “Saw” movies have a theory behind them. The lead character Jigsaw, aka John Kramer, played by Tobin Bell, believes that he can teach those who have taken their lives for granted to appreciate the gift of life.



His 'tests' are designed not merely to put these people in life and death situations but to reveal their true selves, their inherent nature, morality and character. Each is given a chance to reveal who they are through the choices they make and in doing so save their life or doom them.

The latest in the series, “Saw 6,” takes this theory of death, this dark experiment and teams it with a ripped from the headlines plot that gives the series a new juice. Jigsaw is dead but his game continues with the help of his minion, Detective Hoffman (Costas Mandylor). Why Detective Hoffman turned from good guy cop to willing accomplice of Jigsaw is woven through the past four “Saw” movies.

In this game, Detective Hoffman captures an insurance guy named William (Peter Outerbridge). William's job for years has been finding ways to keep his company from paying claims. With his team that he calls 'the dog pit' William figures he can find some way to deny just about any claim.



What he has failed to understand, or care about, is the fact that his decisions, delivered in phone calls and form letters, are really death sentences. Jigsaw aims to show William how a life and death decision is really made in a series of disturbing, horrifying challenges.

Meanwhile, Detective Hoffman has a surprise in store as the FBI closes in and a face from the past he thought was gone reemerges. Then there is Jigsaw's wife Jill (Betsy Russell) looming in the background with her own set of Jigsaw instructions that are guaranteed to pay off at some point.

Kevin Greutert moves from the editing bay, where he cut each of the first 5 films in this series, to the director's chair and the move is as seamless as a good edit. His insider knowledge of the other films allows him to fold the plot back and weave it into the history that devotees are so enamored with.

It helps to have long time “Saw” writers Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton to keep the story symmetry in place while crafting new and more horrifying situations that build on the darkly ingenious contraptions and plots of the past films. Credit all three men for giving this series new life by ripping from the headlines a timely plot that vilifies both bankers and insurance companies in ways even Michael Moore couldn’t imagine. Movie series aren't supposed to be this good when they get this far. In fact, most series are long out to pasture by the sixth movie. Through devilish ingenuity and malevolent imagination, the team behind “Saw” keeps finding new and unique ways to keep Jigsaw's work fresh and intriguing.

A horror film with a human center amidst its dark, twisted soul, “Saw 6” doesn't merely keep the series going; it shows that this idea has yet to lose steam. Even if this were the last film in the series, the core is still stunningly strong and could sustain even more of Jigsaw's game.

Count me in for “Saw 7.”

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Not merely another torture porn horror series, 'Saw 6' is brilliant." – DVD Review.

"Peyton Manning: Best quarterback ever?"

By Jonathan Schlosser

I’m not ready to say he is yet - he has some years left to play and I think we need to see those before we know - but today’s game against the New York Jets was one of the best statements for the title that I’ve ever seen.



The Jets came out hot. Rex Ryan is a great coach and he has put together the best defense of the year. They were blitzing and they were getting to Peyton and hitting him. I was surprised, honestly, because most teams can’t do that. They were hitting him and getting in his face and forcing the Colts to punt. It was impressive and, combined with Sanchez throwing two touchdowns - one a bomb to Edwards that he managed to hold on to - had the Jets winning and looking convincing. And then Peyton figured out what was going on and the game was essentially over.

There was one play that summed it all up. The Colts had the ball near the twenty and they came up to the line. The Jets, as usual, showed blitz. Peyton stepped back and started motioning and yelling to people and I looked at my roommate and said: “He’s beating them right now. He’s telling people where to go to score and there’s nothing the Jets can do about it.” Then they snapped the ball. Manning looked for a moment and then tossed the ball right over the middle to Dallas Clark. Touchdown.

No one else can do that like Manning. No one. It’s the chess match part of the game and he is the greatest quarterback to play that game that I have ever watched. It all springs from his being an incredible student of the game. He always knows what’s going on and how to beat the defense just by looking at it. He can stand at the line and it’s almost like he sees where the defenders are going to run before they do it, where they’re going to blitz and where they’re going to drop back and even how fast the other men are going to be. He can see the holes and how his receivers are going to run into them. By the time he gets the ball, he already knows where to throw it to score. It’s pure intelligence and it is amazing to watch.

The game wasn’t technically over on the Clark touchdown, but Manning just continued doing the same thing for the rest of the game and the Jets only managed a field goal. Ryan threw every blitz he could think of, but the Colts didn’t even look like they noticed. They threw it easily all over. Revis did a fair job of keeping Reggie Wayne out of the game - he had one notable catch, but he was hardly a game-changer. Still, with Manning directing, Austin Collie (seven catches for 123 yards and a touchdown) and Pierre Garcon (eleven catches for 151 yards and a touchdown) couldn’t be stopped - not to mention Dallas Clark and the aforementioned touchdown. Manning just creates weapons, it seems. And he’ll need to create them two weeks from now, in Miami, when he goes head-to-head with Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints.



Saints survive in OT:

The game was just as advertised: insane. The battle of two high-powered offenses. Crushing defenses. Scoring back and forth the entire time. Fans standing and screaming and making the fabled Superdome the loudest place in the United States. And in the end, when it went to overtime and Garrett Hartley - who botched that famous kick against the Bucs a few weeks ago - drilled it from forty yards, it capped what may have been the best game of the season. It was crazy. I was standing on the couch and hardly able to breathe.

All credit to the Saints: they played a very good game and did what they needed to do to win and advance to face the Colts in the Super Bowl. They were great on special teams, almost breaking it on two huge returns. They ran the ball well and passed it well - Drew Brees, when he had time, picked the secondary apart like he had done all year. Reggie Bush had yet another pylon touchdown. When it came down to the end, they drove down in a nail-biter and got into range by going for it on fourth down and diving over the pile.

But: the Vikings lost this game. They threw it around and ran it very well for most of the game; they just killed themselves with turnovers. You just can’t fumble the ball that many times and throw that many interceptions (especially at the end; Favre’s last throw of regulation that was picked while they were in field goal range) and expect to win. You just can’t. They were lucky really to be in it with numbers like that. Five turnovers in total. Any coach will tell you that turnovers are the backbreaker of a good team; with so many, the Vikings threw the game away. They played very well and gave themselves a chance, but the Saints were too good to lose with that much in their favor.

As a side note: things could be said here about the refs and some of those calls at the end. Particularly the uncatchable ball with the interference call. Or the incompletion that was, apparently, a catch. Or the roughing the passer that wasn’t called (two others were; the Saints were out to kill Favre, legally or otherwise). But I don’t like those sorts of excuses, so I won’t say them.

The only question remaining after this game:

Will Favre come back?

Super Bowl prediction:

I’ll write a full breakdown next week, along with a Pro Bowl recap, but here’s my the-games-just-ended-and-here’s-my-gut prediction: Colts by four.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Peyton Manning: Best quarterback ever?"

"George Clooney, Taylor Swift and President Obama open their hearts to Haiti."

By Melvin Durai

The devastating earthquake in Haiti turned into an opportunity for people around the world to show that they care – and so far millions have opened their hearts in all sorts of ways. They’ve emptied their wallets, swiped their credit cards, and even withdrawn large amounts of cash from under their mattresses.



They’ve organized fundraising dinners – pizza, spaghetti, barbecue – drawing large crowds who just can’t resist the signs and posters that say “Pig out for Haiti” and “Stuff yourself for a good cause.”

Some schools held “Hats for Haiti” days, allowing students to wear hats in their classrooms if they donate at least $1. Other schools organized “Pajamas for Haiti” days, “Chew gum for Haiti” days, and the very popular “Kiss a Cheerleader for Haiti” days.

A Catholic school in Canada raised $4,000 by having a “dress-down day,” a very successful fundraiser, even if some boys were disappointed that not a single girl let her dress down.

At a Pennsylvania university, a group of students organized a coin drive, urging fellow students to search their dorm rooms for any money lying around. One international student managed to find millions of dollars. Unfortunately they were Zimbabwean dollars.

A 7-year-old London boy raised 55,000 pounds through a “Help a Haitian Child” cycle ride. Not to be outdone, a group of Venice Beach, Calif., bodybuilders raised 60,000 pounds in a single day – and without taking any extra steroids.



Many cell phone users gave money by texting the word "Haiti' to a special number, allowing their phone company to bill them for the donation. This proved to be a very efficient method of collecting donations. The American Red Cross managed to collect $3 million from people who texted "Haiti" to 90999 and another $5 million from people who texted “Hey tea.”

President Obama asked former Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton to lead private fundraising efforts in America. Both were eager to help – and Bush didn't even ask where Haiti is. He had already asked Laura.

The former presidents were willing to set aside political differences for a good cause. They created a special fund for Haiti and didn’t even argue whether to call it the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund (CBHF) or the Bush Clinton Haiti Fund (BCHF). Bush suggested they go in alphabetical order, Clinton agreed, and so it was called the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund.

Hollywood star Leonardo DiCaprio donated $1 million to CBHF, joining George Clooney, Sandra Bullock and others who pledged $1 million for Haiti relief. You’ve got to give them credit. While DiCaprio’s donation was “Titanic,” Clooney’s was “Out of Sight” and Bullock’s was done with “Speed.”

About 200 celebrities participated in the “Hope for Haiti Now” telethon, broadcast across the globe. Some, like Alicia Keys and Taylor Swift, performed “Songs for Haiti,” while others, like Jack Nicholson and Julia Roberts, took calls from viewers pledging money. Nicholson was his usual gentlemanly self, speaking to callers with grace and charm, even the ones who said, “Would you mind handing the phone to Julia?”

Perhaps the biggest hearts belong to all the people who took steps to adopt orphans from Haiti, the ones eager to commit to years of feeding a child, clothing a child and saying to a child, “No, you can’t organize a ‘Help a Haitian Child Buy a Sony PlayStation’ cycle ride.”

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com.

READ MORE - "George Clooney, Taylor Swift and President Obama open their hearts to Haiti."

"'Legion' should be mindless fun but instead is just mindless." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

When a movie's opening voiceover narration intones that God lost faith in humanity because 'he got tired of all the bullshit' you have to lower your expectations. Unfortunately, there just are not expectations low enough for a post-apocalyptic thriller as dopey as “Legion.”



Paul Bettany, one of my favorite actors, stars in “Legion” as the archangel Michael, a General in God's Army. As God has lost faith in humanity, God sends Michael to earth with a mission. Michael, however, is not going to obey orders. Seems God has ordered Michael to exterminate humanity.

Instead, Michael travels to a diner in the middle of nowhere New Mexico where a disparate group of people sits patiently waiting for the plot to kick in. Among them are the diner's owner Bob (Dennis Quaid), his son Jeep (Lucas Black), Bob's old army buddy Percy (Charles S. Dutton), A WASP couple (Jon Tenney and Kate Walsh) and their bitchy daughter (Willa Holland).

Most important in this group is Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) who is with child from some anonymous hook up but by some luck happens to be the savior of all mankind. As Michael informs Charlie, and us, if the baby is born he will lead humanity out of the darkness. Before the baby comes they must fight off God's Army of Angels led by Michael's long time friend and fellow Angel Gabriel (Kevin Durand).



The Archangel Michael is mentioned only once in the Hebrew Bible. It is said that he will stand for the people of Israel at the end of days. Not that the movie “Legion” gives a crap about the biblical arcana from which its main character came from. Director and co-writer Scott Stewart merely uses Angels and Archangels as a device for apocalypse. “Legion” exists only to place Paul Bettany in fetish wear, long leather coat, bandoleer, and lots and lots of guns, and watch him shoot people. He and the cast pile up a few bodies and then die in a particular order until the screen time runs out. Nothing much of interest happens and certainly nothing you cannot anticipate without seeing the movie.

Dennis Quaid continues a sad, pathetic career decline. It's hard to recall the last time Quaid was in a film worth watching. In “Legion” the most notable aspect of Quaid's performance is his dopey lopsided haircut. Yes, he gets a big moment near the end but by then you won't really care.

Paul Bettany is not the typical idea of a lead in an action movie. He brings a different energy to the role than your average action movie star might but sadly little more than looking cool in a leather jacket holding two giant machine guns is required of him. We’ve seen him do more, we want him to do more and we just don’t get it in “Legion.”

Little more than an idea, “Legion” drones and wheezes through a series of violent scenes briefly interrupted by mindless expository dialogue before reaching its violent and predictable end. “Legion” should be mindless fun but instead is just mindless. Remember the opening narration I mentioned about God giving up on humanity because God got tired of all the bullshit, I think I know how God might feel watching “Legion.”

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "'Legion' should be mindless fun but instead is just mindless." – Movie Review.

"Harrison Ford gives you hope in 'Extraordinary Measures.'" – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

Harrison Ford reminds me of a great athlete in the late portion of a career. Not as embarrassing or sad as Joe Namath with the Rams or Willie Mays with the Mets, but Joe Montana with the Chiefs is a good comparison. Like Montana in that late stage, Ford has lost a step but there are flashes of the old mastery of the game.



“Extraordinary Measures” has moments when the Harrison Ford we love shines through. Sadly, Ford is shuffled off screen far too often in favor of a turgid family melodrama that would be more at home on the ABC Family Channel than on the big screen.

Brendan Fraser is the star of “Extraordinary Measures” as John Crowley, a father of 3 kids, 2 of whom were born with a rare genetic disorder known as Pompe. The disease will take the kids’ lives very young which presents John with a very difficult choice. John can spend as much time with his kids, alongside his wife Aileen (Keri Russell), or he can search for a miracle.

The search will involve flying half way across the country to Nebraska where a scientist, Dr. Robert Stonehill (Harrison Ford) has a theory that could be a cure. All that stands in there way is cash, a lot of cash, and Dr. Stonehill's cantankerous, off-putting nature. Can they raise the money, work together and cure the kids or has John made the wrong choice?

If you cannot answer that question then clearly you don't see many movies. This isn't a spoiler; the movie is based on a true story. Reporter Geeta Anand wrote the extraordinary non-fiction book “The Cure” about the real John and Aileen Crowley who did indeed risk everything to save their kids and the historic medical breakthroughs that risk led to.

There was no Dr. Stonehill however; he is one of many dramatic contrivances made by director Scott Vaughan. “Extraordinary Measures” is a movie built on melodramatic contrivances from Dr. Stonehill being based on 2 or 3 different brilliant doctors to the odd choice to change the ages of John and Aileen Crowley's children from babies to precocious pre-tweens.



In reality John and Aileen Crowley's children were 5 months and 17 months old respectively. In the film the kids are 7 and 9 and Megan Crowley, played by Meredith Droeger, is a precocious little plot device used with saccharine glee to push and manipulate audiences with her cuteness.

The story as written by Geeta Anand in “The Cure” did not need such melodramatic embellishment. “The Cure” is told with a journalistic urgency that is a rush to read. It's dramatic because the story is inherently dramatic, heart-rending and moving. The movie goes for a sappy movieness that compromises the urgent drama in favor of faux uplift and the jerking of tears.

Brendan Fraser is an actor I have liked a lot over the years but he is all wrong in “Extraordinary Measures.” With his big wet eyes and doughy physique, Fraser seems to mistake his physicality for dramatic acting. Keri Russell is capable of far more than she is given to work with here. Shuffled aside for the male bonding of Fraser and Ford, Russell cries on cue, comforts the children and is supportive and that is the extent of the role.

Harrison Ford is not great at playing second fiddle. Though he has aged he remains compelling and charismatic, more so than the younger Mr. Fraser. The scenes they share, Ford is the more interesting actor with the more complex and interesting character and Fraser suffers in comparison.

Returning to my earlier point about Ford compared to a great athlete, there was a night in Joe Montana's final year when he threw for more than 300 yards and won a game in overtime on Monday Night Football. It was Montana's last great game. Harrison Ford, I believe has that one last great game in him but “Extraordinary Measures” is not it.

There are flashes here of the roguish, grumpy charmer that we came to love all those years ago from “Star Wars” to “Indiana Jones” to “Working Girl” and “Regarding Henry.” His late career has become something of a caricature, Ford barking a line or two and going through the motions. “Extraordinary Measures” is one of those performances but the flashes give you hope. That one big game is still out there for Ford. Let's hope it arrives soon.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Harrison Ford gives you hope in 'Extraordinary Measures.'" – Movie Review.

"Gabriel Iglesias weighs in on Conan and Leno."

By Jason Tanamor

Comedic superstar Gabriel Iglesias says that although Conan is getting screwed in his deal with NBC, the fans are the ones coming out as winners. With a hit comedy special airing on Comedy Central and available on DVD, the comedian’s success is only getting bigger. Never one to shy away from the spotlight, it’s no wonder Iglesias has a close relationship with his fans.

Iglesias recently called in to talk about his life, his weight, and the fact that NBC has made TV more interesting to watch.



Q – How did you get involved in stand-up and when did you start?

A – I’ve been doing stand-up since April 1997. This will be my 13th year. I always wanted to be a comedian, ever since I was ten. I saw Eddie Murphy’s “Raw” and that was it.

Q – In your act, you talk about your comedy idol Paul Rodriguez. When you were developing your own material, did you find yourself trying to write jokes like Paul’s?

A – Paul was an influence early on. In the show now, it’s very, very, very different. The whole show is about me; personal issues and things going on. If I talk about Paul, I’ll talk about hanging out with Paul and I’ll do impressions of him. But the show is for the most part, I tell people, 80% truth and 20% magic that I have to put on.

Q – You’re obviously not fat, but fluffy. You don’t hide the fact that you’re heavy set. With the country so health conscious, have you ever been the target of health groups?

A – Every now and then I’ll get someone that says, ‘How can you promote unhealthiness or obesity?’ No, I’m just trying to be positive. I’m trying to make a rough situation seem OK. I’m a very secure person and it’s not like I’m going out there bashing anyone and saying, ‘This is how you should live.’

Q - Your new special is called, “I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.” A lot of it revolves around your relationship with your girlfriend’s son Frankie. Do you find yourself ever wanting to change your life, health wise or anything for him?

A – Absolutely. I was just doing an interview a few minutes ago and I was making it very clear that once the special is over there are a few things I have to address. I have to have knee surgery. I have a situation with my knees that I have to really take care of. It’s really challenging when I’m on the road; snacks are fingertips away.

Q – Has Frankie enjoyed the attention of being talked about on a regular basis?

A – Uh… I’m definitely going to have to say yeah on that one. The fact that people bring snacks for him, it doesn’t hurt.

Q – Talking about your life in your act, do you find people trying to give you advice about how to handle situations at home?

A – I’ll have people that are diabetic come up to me and try to recommend certain foods, which is pretty cool. I had a personal trainer who wanted to change my life and I was like, ‘I don’t have time to commit to you.’

Q – You have a close relationship with your fans. With you becoming more known in the industry, how do you continually make time for the fans when your schedule becomes increasingly busier?

A – I always made it a point that I have to. I have to make sure that I don’t forget. Unless there is a time when I have multiple shows, that is the only time I can’t meet, socialize or hang out or take pictures.



Q – Have there ever been any crazy fans?

A – Oh absolutely. I have fans and I have hardcore fans. I have fans that will follow me state to state, show to show.

Q – Any of them been stalkerish?

A – Some of the stuff is pretty crazy but for the most part everyone is pretty sane. I have some really hardcores. I had two people this weekend that got tattoos of my signature. They said, ‘Sign right here and we’ll do it.’ I said, For real? If you really do it, send me the pictures. I gave them my email and they both did it.

Q – Where did they get the tattoos?

A – On their arms.

Q – When did you realize that you first made it in stand-up? Was there a show, or an event, etc.?

A – I never really thought of it as, ‘Oh, I’ve arrived.’ I’m definitely in the mix, you know, I’m making some noise. I just think that once you say you’ve made it, that’s as far as you’re going to get.

Q – I’ve interviewed a lot of comedians. Some do a combination of clubs and theaters. Bill Engvall told me he liked the clubs better because of the intimacy with the audience. What’s your opinion about each type of venue?

A – I never even wanted to do theaters. I was perfectly happy with doing clubs. But it gets to that point where you keep adding a show, then another show and then another show… there was one time where I had 18 shows, in a two week span. You just can’t add anymore. You have to graduate, you have to move up to the next level. I enjoy doing the clubs, I come up with more material in clubs. In the theaters, people pay a higher ticket price, people have higher expectations. You can’t go out there and pussy foot; you have to go out there and deliver. Right now it’s kind of challenging to me because I only have 15 to 20 minutes of new material and then I have to rely on the old stuff.

Q – What’s the one thing you want to do before you call it quits?

A – Definitely lose some weight (laughs). Pretty much, I just want to continue to put out specials. This last one I produced myself. Everything fell on me, I was the one who put it together. So nobody owns it. I own my own special. I’d also like to produce other comedians.

Q – Before I let you go, what do you think about what’s going on with the crap between Conan and Leno?

A – I think it’s great for the fans right now. It’s making TV a lot more interesting. People want to tune in every single night to hear the monologues. The fans are getting the better jokes; they’re tuning in.

Q – Do you have a preference, Conan or Jay?

A - I think Conan is getting screwed over on his deal. I know both the guys, I’ve done both versions of the show. I did five “Tonight Show’s” with Leno and December I did with Conan.

See the review of Gabriel Iglesias’s new special, “I’m not fat, I’m fluffy,” here:

“Gabriel Iglesias is not fat, he’s fluffy.” – Concert Review



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Gabriel Iglesias weighs in on Conan and Leno."

"Rihanna’s 'Russian Roulette' live in London with Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt on guitar."

By Jason Tanamor

Broadcast live from London, November 16th, Rihanna and Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt performed “Russian Roulette” from Rihanna’s album, “Rated R,” to a free online audience.









BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "Rihanna’s 'Russian Roulette' live in London with Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt on guitar."

"General Larry Platt is the un 'hung' hero of 'American Idol.'"

By Jason Tanamor

Six years ago a contestant on “American Idol” named William (see bangs, see bangs) Hung auditioned and instantly became a hit. What’s funny about this is that Hung had zero talent whatsoever, even going as far as saying, “Never took one lesson.”

Really?

But that didn’t stop the record companies from wanting to push Hung onto the masses. It was almost like the scene from “The Elephant Man.” The crowd can’t get enough of Hung until Hung is forced into a corner to sing, “See bangs, see bangs… see moos, see moos.”



People bought his album, and honestly, if you can tell me for serious that you bought it because of his talent, then you probably are deaf. The reality is that most people purchased Hung’s album because it was a novelty CD. They probably listened to that one song and then through it in a pile, never to hear it again.

Fast forward to General Larry Platt. His instant ridiculous song, “The Pants on the Ground,” which he auditioned for the “American Idol” judges, has, apparently, demand in the music business. In an article at Thaindian.com, Platt was offered a record deal courtesy of Jake Records. What this record company is about, I have no idea. However, what I believe this record company is doing is trying to get itself on the map by “recording” Platt’s song, along with other songs in his “melodious voice.”



“General Larry Platt has an energy about him that is infectious.” He (CEO Scott Thomas) said that they are looking forward to work with him and release some of his original tracks. Scott Thomas said that apart from exposing his talent, they would also try to focus on the causes that the singer supports.”

Apparently, the “causes” the singer supports are Platt’s living expenses, grocery bill, and, if you ask Thomas, Jake Records’ payroll.

I’m actually happy for Platt, because if a person needs money, they go out and make money. That’s all that Platt is doing. That’s all that Hung was doing. But to capitalize on Platt by claiming that he has talent, that’s going too far.

Do yourself a favor, buy Platt’s album only if you actually will play this CD in your car for all to hear. At least Platt will get some sort of compensation to pay for his house.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

READ MORE - "General Larry Platt is the un 'hung' hero of 'American Idol.'"

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