“A mother’s love and vomit.” - Humor Column.

It is a well known fact to any mother that there is no greater feeling than the love you have for your child. This emotion is great and deep and multi faceted. It has to be when the person you love likes to do things like kick you, vomit on you and inevitably grow up to tell you they hate you. It actually all comes down to science. You love your children because of a chemical released in your brain. God must have thought this one out. He was smart enough to know that no woman in their right mind would love someone who treated them so poorly! I'm a mother of two small children and I can attest to the validity of this science. My eldest is a two and a half year old boy who likes to say things like "I don't like you Mommy" when I won't let him drink juice after 6pm. He also likes to hit me when I tell him not to hit other people/places/things. He's awesome! My youngest is a girl; she's six months old today. She's especially enjoyable because she has severe acid reflux as a result of a dairy/soy intolerance's and she spits up a lot. When I say a lot I mean every, oh, say, 10 minutes. Yes. That's every 10 minutes all 24 hours of the day. And it's projectile spit up!


How could someone in their right mind love people so intolerable? It has to be chemical! I do adore these little people in my life though. They make me feel like a better human being. I feel like I could do anything because I can be a mom. It's an empowering feeling really. I mean you're never the same once your toddler vomits down your shirt. My son was sick about a year ago and started throwing up while I was holding him. I tried leaning him over the toilet during a break in his throwing up and he freaked out and leaned into me. He refused to lean over the toilet! It freaked him out. He preferred to just throw up down my shirt. I realized that this was actually an efficient way to catch his vomit. So I held him tight and let him spew. After a moment like this you know there's not much in life that you can't put up with! "Oh you're going to cut me off ass hole? Well that's fine. I've caught vomit down my shirt worse than this."


My son hasn't thrown up since this incident. He was about 16 months old at the time so he was eating solids. It was real vomit, not "spit up". It was a momentous occasion and one I will remember as long as I live and breathe. But I've been waiting for it to happen again ever since. I know he will throw up again! It's inevitable. There's no stopping it. But the anticipation is maddening. I have spent more time than I'd like to admit worrying about when I'll have to clean up his vomit again. It's much worse than a babies spit up as you can imagine. The night my son threw up down my shirt he also threw up on his bed. I learned out to clean sheets and a comforter covered in chunks of hot dog that night. And so I wait... for this to rear its ugly head again someday.


People may tell you their greatest fear as a parent is losing their children. That's true. I fear that. But I try not to think about that sort of thing. The vomit though... it haunts me. I dream of walking into my son's room and it being covered in small bits of hot dog. I dream of how to clean strange items. Rugs. Animal pillows. Macaroni necklaces. Lamp shades. Hot Wheels. I suppose that being preoccupied with the fear of vomit is better than being preoccupied by other things... I can't think of an example though. All I can think of is puke.


And though I will probably always be on the lookout for that next late night hack fest I cherish my children! I love every small sweet moment when my son hugs me tight and says "I love you" instead of "I don't like you". I live for the times when he runs up to me in the afternoons when I get him from daycare and he's screaming 'MOMMY' with an enormous smile on his face. For those few brief seconds I completely forget that someday soon... someone will throw up on me.


Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.
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Anonymous said...

Omg!!! This is hilarious!!!


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