"Halloween, it's not just about candy. It's about hookers."

If you live anywhere in the United States, you’ll know that the end of October is a time for being scared. And I’m not referring to ghosts or goblins. I’m implying that trick or treating, a Halloween past time and staple in our culture, turns people into hypocrites. That’s right, I said it. Hypocrites.

If you think about it, and I really want you to, so put down that remote control - there’s nothing on but reality shows and dramas with subversive plots involving sex - and listen up. If you think about it, people teach their children to "never take candy from strangers." But when Halloween comes around, that’s all parents want their children to do take candy from strangers.

In fact, not only do parents encourage their children to take candy from strangers, they drive them to the rich neighborhoods to do so.

"Hurry kids, last year they gave out steaks," the mother says.

"But mom," the boy says, "I’m too old for trick or treating."

"I don’t care if you’re 35 years old," his mother says. "Get your SpongeBob costume on and get in the station wagon."

Then, the boy leaves his wife and kids to go to a rich neighborhood (with his SpongeBob costume on), only to find out that instead of miniature Snickers bars, he’s getting a full sized Snickers bar.

"What happened to the steaks?" he asks his mother with great disappointment. After all, his costume is now riding up his ass.

"It must be the economy."

But since this is a tradition, to be hypocrites, instead of treats this year, I’m going to give out tricks. That’s right, I’m giving out hookers. Sugar will now be "Sugar the hooker with stretch marks," and Sweets will now be "Sweets the hooker with seven kids, each with a different daddy."

Every child that comes to my door, he or she will receive a hooker. Some may come with all their teeth, some may come with a disgruntled pimp, and some will just come - on your car seat, your couch or on your floor.

After you are finished with your hooker, be sure you discard her properly. I’d hate to see used hookers on the street, something that is very common in some areas of my hometown, when they can easily be discarded by throwing them in dumpsters. So make sure you take the time to throw your hooker away. Never mind the homeless people in those dumpsters, that’s an entirely different problem... I mean column. There are garbage trucks that clean those dumpsters out once a week.

So, if you are in the mood for a hooker rather than a Heath bar, be sure to come by early. Hookers, like candy, don’t last long. At least the good ones don’t. The ones that last until Christmas are the hookers that ruin your teeth. They’re the "Jolly Ranchers" of the hooker world. These ones you have to suck on until they slide smoothly down your throat. And sometimes, if you wait too long, these hookers are so sticky that loose garments and unidentifiable goo will stick to them, causing your hooker experience to be less delightful in which you’re forced to pick at your tongue for unknown liquids and strands of hair. There’s nothing that irritates me more than filthy hookers.

To sum up: Instead of candy, I’m giving out hookers.

And even though I’m feeding into the Halloween tradition (where I give out a trick or a treat), while I was growing up and even today as an adult, I’ve never heard anyone say, "Don’t take hookers from strangers."


Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.
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