"Reunited with cable TV and Rachael Ray's butt."

The last year I had cable television was 1999. I pay a few dollars per month for the four major networks and constant PBS telethons (Only $200 will buy me a Celtic Woman CD while ensuring that this wonderful station continues to exist and provide me with unlimited performances of The 3 Tenors. Just what I need).

So imagine my surprise when I turned on the tube this week, and noticed more than a dozen channels I haven't seen in over a decade; mind numbing stations like MTV, VH1, and Spike TV. Is this a mistake like when the cable company unknowingly gave me three free years of HBO? Oops, I shouldn't have admitted that. Whatever the case may be, here were some of my thoughts while surfing cable television for the first time in this new millennium.

- If I could date a cartoon, it would be Kim Possible.
- So that's Hannah Montana? She's got soul for a white girl.
- FOX News: still fair and balanced after all these years. NOT!
- What the heck happened to Rachael Ray's ass? She's still cute as a button though.



- Uh-oh! Did I just laugh at “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody?” And I wonder if Brenda Song is legal?
- MTV still doesn't play music videos. Thank goodness for VH1.
- VH1 no longer plays music videos. C'mon!
- Since when did Peggy Bundy become a biker chick? Do Al and Bud know about this?
- Damn, why can’t Kim Possible be real?
- Mmm, all that food on The Food Network looks fabulous. Back to my Cheez Whiz sandwich.
- There should be a law limiting the number of Times TBS airs “Die Hard” in one week.
- The Golf Channel cures my insomnia. Excellent!
- Holy cow! Pro Wrestling still has fans? Well, at least someone will be voting for Sarah Palin in 2012.
- The USA Network: Where acting careers go to die.
- Thank God for The Travel Channel. Now I can impress women at bars by pretending I've been to Borneo and Kuala Lumpur.
- Poker is not a sport. Get it off ESPN!
- Paris Hilton: You’re no Kim Possible.
- What’s with all the cake decorating shows?
- I can get 5 quarters for only $30. Great deal, QVC.
- The award for stupidest TV channel name is: Versus
- Hugh Heffner. Three freaking girlfriends. You bastard.

Cable television stinks. I'm going back to online Scrabble and Internet porn.

BYLINE:

Michael Angelo is an Accountant hailing from Connecticut. When he's not rotting away in a cubicle, he can be found blogging all over the Internet. His first humor book, "Chronicles & Opinions of a Nobody," will be released in March of 2010. Check out www.michaelangelothewriter.com for more info.

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