"Reunited with cable TV and Rachael Ray's butt."

The last year I had cable television was 1999. I pay a few dollars per month for the four major networks and constant PBS telethons (Only $200 will buy me a Celtic Woman CD while ensuring that this wonderful station continues to exist and provide me with unlimited performances of The 3 Tenors. Just what I need).

So imagine my surprise when I turned on the tube this week, and noticed more than a dozen channels I haven't seen in over a decade; mind numbing stations like MTV, VH1, and Spike TV. Is this a mistake like when the cable company unknowingly gave me three free years of HBO? Oops, I shouldn't have admitted that. Whatever the case may be, here were some of my thoughts while surfing cable television for the first time in this new millennium.

- If I could date a cartoon, it would be Kim Possible.
- So that's Hannah Montana? She's got soul for a white girl.
- FOX News: still fair and balanced after all these years. NOT!
- What the heck happened to Rachael Ray's ass? She's still cute as a button though.

- Uh-oh! Did I just laugh at “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody?” And I wonder if Brenda Song is legal?
- MTV still doesn't play music videos. Thank goodness for VH1.
- VH1 no longer plays music videos. C'mon!
- Since when did Peggy Bundy become a biker chick? Do Al and Bud know about this?
- Damn, why can’t Kim Possible be real?
- Mmm, all that food on The Food Network looks fabulous. Back to my Cheez Whiz sandwich.
- There should be a law limiting the number of Times TBS airs “Die Hard” in one week.
- The Golf Channel cures my insomnia. Excellent!
- Holy cow! Pro Wrestling still has fans? Well, at least someone will be voting for Sarah Palin in 2012.
- The USA Network: Where acting careers go to die.
- Thank God for The Travel Channel. Now I can impress women at bars by pretending I've been to Borneo and Kuala Lumpur.
- Poker is not a sport. Get it off ESPN!
- Paris Hilton: You’re no Kim Possible.
- What’s with all the cake decorating shows?
- I can get 5 quarters for only $30. Great deal, QVC.
- The award for stupidest TV channel name is: Versus
- Hugh Heffner. Three freaking girlfriends. You bastard.

Cable television stinks. I'm going back to online Scrabble and Internet porn.


Michael Angelo is an Accountant hailing from Connecticut. When he's not rotting away in a cubicle, he can be found blogging all over the Internet. His first humor book, "Chronicles & Opinions of a Nobody," will be released in March of 2010. Check out www.michaelangelothewriter.com for more info.

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