"A perfect world without war, pollution and Paris Hilton."

By Jason Love

In case you didn't notice, the world is not a perfect place. There's war, pollution, hunger, and of course Paris Hilton.

One night after being flagrantly over served by a bartender, I scribbled on cocktail napkins a list of things that I would change about the world. You know, if I were a deity.

The unabridged list is, unfortunately, swirling above a local landfill, but here are some napkins that survived the beer spills.


In a perfect world ...

* pug dogs would have a reasonable amount of skin on their face.
* boot would rhyme with foot.
* we'd get paid for the time we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding from work.
* radio stations would keep their contest money and play some bloody music.
* a man could fix all of his relationship issues with WD-40 or duct tape.
* answering machines would come with a get-to-the-point button.
* breeding laws would limit couples to one child per 75 IQ points.
* athletes would retire only once.
* cat burglars would break in and steal your cat.
* traffic lights would change when we honk at them.
* O.J. Simpson would marry Lorena Bobbitt. I'm assuming they're both single.
* priests who hear confessions would get paid the same as shrinks.
* our TV's brightness control would turn up the intelligence.
* if an officer has to tackle the suspect to make an arrest, the officer would be entitled to three free punches.

* when people graduate high school, they'd also graduate high school mentality.
* the game of "peekaboo" would have an official end.
* decaf coffee would come in a different color.
* political speeches would be delivered by the people who write them.
* there wouldn't be so many needless, unneeded, unnecessary words.
* freeways would grow at the same rate as the population.
* somebody would confiscate Dennis Miller's thesaurus.
* when the computer gets hung up, we could just shake it like a pinball machine.
* all movies would be formatted to fit your screen without apology or explanation.
* lawyers would speak a language that humans also understand.
* walkie-talkie cell phones would exist only in hell, where they were invented.
* sick days would include when you're sick of work.
* when teams lose on Fan Appreciation Day, spectators would get their money back.
* Cupid would have better aim.
* naming your son Zavery or Oceana would qualify as child abuse.
* weight gain would be caused not by food but by some undelicious thing like televangelism.
* the Meyers would get together with the Myers and settle the spelling once and for all.
* the calf bone would have more meat on it.
* every driver would understand the Merge Concept.
* a man and woman would never know which one will end up pregnant.
* football games would not end on a field goal.
* we could surgically remove that part of our brain that plays the same snippet of music over and over and over.
* everyone would die on their one-hundredth birthday while having sex.

But the world is not perfect, so we have storms and train wrecks and Paris Hilton, left to wonder about a deity who would have it this way. It would be too much to handle but for a gift from this same creator, something to iron out the wrinkles and put the world back into perspective. And that is lots of beer.


Jason Love performs stand-up all over the country, including The Improv, Comedy Store, and Laugh Factory. He recently appeared on the Bob & Tom Show (radio and TV) and opens regularly for Craig Shoemaker. He has also performed with Dane Cook, Jamie Kennedy, David Spade, Drew Carey, and on. Visit him on the web at: JasonLove.com.

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Anonymous said...

Great thoughts, look forward to reading some more!