"2010 Academy Awards red carpet review."

By Bry Schulz

The red carpet last night was better than it has been in years! There were so many cool dresses it was hard for me to concentrate. I love to play this game where I pick one of the red carpet dresses that I would maybe actually wear and I don't know how to decide. It's a tough one. There were, of course, some slackers in the bunch (I'm looking at you Melanie Griffith) and I didn't spare them. I have to be honest about my feelings and if you look like a hooker that's not my fault. So with out any further rambling from me let’s get to last night’s red carpet fashions!

Sandra Bullock - Grade A+

The big winner of the night was this gal fo-sho! She also kicked ass in the "getting dressed" category. I love the little cap sleeve on one shoulder. I think the color suits her, especially with her dark hair. She looked like an Oscar winner!

Kate Winslet - Grade C

I toyed with the idea of giving this a grade eh. I could buy this dress at David's Bridal! I seriously wore this exact dress in a wedding as a bridesmaid, only it was black. It's boring! Her hair looks great and she looks nice and slim but it's like she woke up that morning and thought "what am I doing today? Hmmm, I know there's something... Oh CRAP!" And then her assistant ran out and bought her this mess to wear. Blah.

Helen Mirren - Grade B+

This lady always looks great! Helen Mirren is "age appropriate" with her style. She's not trying desperately to fit in to a younger style (I'm looking at you Melanie Griffith). She works with what her momma gave her and she succeeds. I'm not giving it an A because the color bores me a little. She does sort of look like a fairy Godmother. But a GREAT one!

Zoe Saldana - Grade C

I can't decide how I feel about this dress. Maybe it's because I really like 50% of it and hate the other 50% of it. The top part is the half I enjoy. I love the corset; the peachy color is really pretty. I don't so much mind the purple fabric as it comes up under the corset but then all hell brakes loose near her ass. It's like she pooped different colored fabric. What did you EAT girl?!

Cameron Diaz - Grade B

You may remember I am not a Cameron Diaz fan so I am a little sad I can't give her a grade GO AWAY. Well, I suppose I could, this is MY FASHION REVIEW. But I want to be fair and honest and the fact is this dress, regardless of what dip-shit airhead is occupying it, is pretty. Frankly the dress is more than pretty, it's gorgeous. It fits her well too. Her hair looks good with it. For some reason this woman always goes nuts with her lipstick and it's always RED red. But aside from her being a moron and the lipstick problem - the overall look is pretty successful!

Amanda Seyfried - Grade C+

This dress makes me want to get some bubble wrap STAT! Man that stuff is fun to pop! I just want to bounce up and down on the train of her dress! I hope she doesn't get trampled by a gang of crazy children hungry to pop bubble wrap. She's so pretty but this dress is just weird. What is it made of? If you say anything other than bubble wrap I won't believe you. Her hair is boring too. It's just not good. Unless you're about to ship a life sized statue. If you are, GOOD NEWS, you're all set!

Jennifer Lopez - Grade C

I want to like this dress but it's also bubble wrap. It's cooler than Amanda Seyfried's dress because it's got a nifty corset and it's got a little side-train. Somehow J-Lo actually looks thin in all that bubble wrap too, which you have to admit is impressive. But at the end of the day I just want to walk up to her, grab her train and bring it about 3 inches from my face and say "what in the hell is this made of?"

Miley Cyrus - Grade B

Why in the hell was she even there? That's like the second year in a row! I'm tired of having to be irritated by her. The dress is actually kind of cool. Which is ANNOYING! But that's all I can say. I'm too miffed by her presence.

Demi Moore - Grade B+

Demi Moore showed up unexpectedly. Did she do anything? I don't remember her presenting but I did leave the room during all the foreign film crap so maybe I missed her then. The dress is AWESOME and she looks FANTASTIC. But I'm still befuddled as to what her purpose was. Just to occupy a seat?

Diane Kruger - Grade B

Okay, before you all start freaking out at my grade of B let me just tell you something... this dress is unique and I am a fan of things that are different. Not bubble wrap different, but crazy, fluffy, ruffly different is cool. Diane always tries new things and I have to give her some credit for that. Like Kate Blanchett, they both take risks and usually they pay off. I know a lot of people hated this dress but I'm not a hater!

Carey Mulligan - Grade B

SUPER CUTE! I still love the pixie hair cut on her. It's such a hard hair cut to pull off! She looks excellent. There is a lot of weird junk on the bodice of the dress that I'm not sure about. It looks like some balls and some buttons and maybe someone’s car keys got flung on for good measure. I don't know, but it works. I even love that the dress isn't quite full length. Her shoes are cute. She's just cute and little and I want to put her in a suit case and take her with me on vacation or something!

Maggie Gyllenhaal - Grade A

I love this dress! This dress is just plain cool. I love how it's so blue on the top and then chills out by the bottom and is white. It's got a little train, which I'm loving. I think the dress looks killer on her body and sometimes Maggie G dresses like a total weirdo! Not last night! I would kill to wear this dress to a wedding or something fancy and fun. Minus the train.

Sarah Jessica Parker - Grade A+

HALLELUJAH! And there were angels singing on high! I love love love this dress! It's freaking blowing my mind! This dress, the hair, everything is exactly what Oscar Red Carpet means to me. I love the hair so much I want to have an excuse to wear mine like that! The dress is totally different. It would look like a potato sack on anyone over 120lbs but on SJP it looks FAB! Seriously, I want the dress and the hair and the spray tan. Maybe not the 10 lbs of eye liner, but that's a personal preference.

Anna Kendrick - Grade C

Yeah, not so much. If she had a tan maybe she could do this. I hate the lace that peaks out of the slit. The lace reminds me of Madonna circa 1986. Those shoes look like stripper polls too! If I could rip off the lace on the slit and dye this dress navy blue or purple I'd probably love it!

Rachel McAdams - Grade B

I loved this dress. I love the colors and how it's almost tie dye. It's different. When she walked out on the Oscar stage it flowed really cool too. I'm a big fan of this dress. Her hair looked good too. The purse is weird but we can't all be perfect.

Kristen Stewart - Grade B

I was relieved to see Kristen put in some effort getting dressed last night. I really like her and I get her "I'm over the Hollywood scene" shtick but sometimes I just really want to shake her and say "YOU CAN WEAR SOME OF THE COOLEST CLOTHES AVAILABLE, PLEASE DO IT!" She doesn't have to wear dresses all the time either. Take the great Katharine Hepburn for example! That woman was gorgeous and she had more class than any of the sluts that walking the red carpet these days! And Katharine wore PANTS. So it's still possible to walk a red carpet and dress the way you want. I hope she keeps working to find herself on the red carpet because I think once she gets it she'll look great!

Gabourey Sidibe - Grade B

On the red carpet Gabourey said to Ryan Seacrest "If clothes were porn this dress would be the money shot." That statement made me laughed my ass off! She loved this dress and she felt hot in it and I will not bash her for it. I think this girl is fantastic and she's got such a great personality that I can say nothing bad about her. Fashion is just not about throwing fabric together, it's also how you wear it and she wore the shit out of this dress last night!

Mo'nique - Grade B+

Full size ladies get the shaft a lot of times with fashion and I think it's sad. But Mo'nique looks amazing in this dress! The color, first of all, is great on her! I am a HUGE fan of her hair, especially the flower! And the fit of the dress is so flattering on her. I know she had just won an Oscar when this was taken but she looks so confident. I think part of it is because she felt so good in this dress!

Melanie Griffith - Grade F

She looks like hell. For starters her hair looks like Dr. Quinn Medicine woman did it. Secondly is her dress pleather? Why is it so dang shinny? What are those circles, condoms? And why is she so pale? Has she been in a cave? Maybe she was in a cave just before she killed and skinned a bunch of rabbits with which she made this heinous dress.

Sigourney Weaver - Grade C-

This dress is ho-hum. She didn't bother to do jack with her hair either. What's that broach thing on her shoulder? It looks like a dragon egg. And to make matters worse the bottom half of the dress is see-through. She's got that same style dress Sandra Bullock wore to the Globes and I was not a fan of that either. Fancy dresses are not supposed to be see-through! Unless you're working a pole later.

Meryl Streep - Grade B+

Meryl Streep gets a high grade from me because she's just plain awesome and she looks hot too. Some people struggle with fashion when they get older (I'm looking at you Melanie Griffith) but not this lady! Meryl Streep looks like a million bucks! One of the coolest things about this dress is that it's by Chris March of Project Runway fame. He has been one of my favorites from that show since he was on it and I'm so excited to see he's dressing big celebs like Meryl. I bet he squealed like a school girl when he got the call to make this dress!!

Vera Farmiga - Grade A

I'm in love with this dress. I think it's awesome! The color is beautiful and the way it gets more serious about the ruffling at the bottom is great too. It really seems to flatter her figure which is always a plus. Her hair is kind of "meh" for me. I feel like the hair-do ages her. But I have to give her a great grade for the awesome dress.

Hilary Swank - Grade A

I did not see her last night but when I saw this pic I had to ogle over her! I am jealous of this woman's body! I want it to be my body! She looks HAWT in this dress! It fits her great. I love how low it is. I think the sarong type thing is cool because it sets it apart from every other black dress. Hilary almost always does a good job picking dresses.

Mariah Carey - Grade D-

When ever I see Mariah Carey on a red carpet I think to myself 'Put it away woman, we've seen it!' I know she's got an awesome voice but I feel like her boobs have been all over the place lately. Everywhere I look I see Mariah Carey's boobs. Look, there they go...

So out of all those dresses let’s break it down to the best and worst of the night!


SARAH JESSICA PARKER - She's a fashion icon for a reason. Bow down to her. I know I am!


MELANIE GRIFFITH - Honestly, what is that shinny black wrapper encasing your body?

Last night was fun and I'm kind of sad to see the end of award show season! It was a crazy season with some interesting red carpet fashions, some good, some hideous. So it is with sadness that I leave you until the Emmy's red carpet this fall. Until then my friends I wish you all great fashion and plenty of good hair days.


Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

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Anonymous said...

Most of the dresses were bland. It seems like everyone who went with more color or black (except for Melanie) did well.

Anonymous said...

u forgot PCurz, Y?


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