"Grammy Awards Red Carpet review."

By Bry Schulz

(All photos courtesy of: Adriana M. Barazza/wenn.com)

Last night’s Grammy Awards was no doubt a memorable one. What with the exploitation of Michael Jackson's children (on stage accepting a lifetime achievement award) and the dirty duet between Elton John and Lady GaGa (literally it was dirty, they were covered in soot) how could you forget that show anytime soon? But what is always memorable to me are the Grammy fashions. Artists and celebrities get all decked out and hold nothing back. Maybe this is the most fun red carpet of them all? It's the wackiest that's FO-SHO! But let's not waste time chatting, let’s get to the review!



Taylor Swift: Grade B



I was only mildly impressed with Taylor's dress. She didn't look bad but I thought the dress wasn't the best choice. Listen, I'm not all about boobs or anything but this dress seems to scream, "I HAVE NO BOOBS, LOOK, I HAVE NO BOOBS WHAT-SO-EVER!" I wish it didn't fit the way it did at the top. It was a great color on her and her hair looks really pretty but the dress is just not doing it for me. (Or her rack).

Rihanna: Grade C+



Rihanna usually wears things that I don't like and she didn't disappoint last night. I don't like this dress. She looks like a powder puff. Someone should dip her in some make-up and hit themselves in the face with her. It's just too much with the white, roughly stuff. From the waist down I don't mind the dress. I like the train. I am glad she did something more feminine and less androgynous. So I give it a C+ because half of it doesn't suck as much as the other.

Pink: Grade A+



My favorite dress of the night!!!! I love this dress. Pink gets my first A+ grade of the award show season! I would wear this dress (if I had a lot of money, connections, and somewhere fancy to go). I think the embellishments on the belt and the bust are just the right amount, not too heavy. I love the way the color gets deeper as you look down. I love the way the dress is made and it really fits her body great. Here would be a case of someone with not so much in the boobage area who treats that situation correctly (yes, Taylor I'm looking at you).

Olivia Munn [Iron Man 2]: Grade C-



I had to look up who the heck this chick is. I thought I was pretty up on my pop culture so I was annoyed I didn't know this person. Turns out she is going to be in the next “Iron Man.” Perfect reason to be at the Grammy's. But about the dress, I really like this color on her skin. I feel like I've seen this dress 8 billion times before but I don't hate it. I guess if you're a new-bee you don't want to make too much of a statement. You just want to say "look, I can wear clothes, here I am."

Nicole Kidman: D+



Didn't she wear this dress in red with a gigundo bow on the neck of it to the Oscars a year or so ago? Yeah, she did. YAWN. You make me sad Nicole Kidman. I really expect more from you. But after that hippy thing you wore at the SAG's and now this? I am losing faith in your fashion status in this world. What's happened?

Miley Cyrus: C



It pains me to be nice enough to give her a C because I think Miley Cyrus is a total skank. But she didn't look too skanky last night. This dress is tasteful with the long sleeves. She's showing leg but she's not showing boob and everything else. I think the color isn't the greatest on her. I feel like it's overpowering, like it's swallowing her up. And boy would that headline make my day! "Miley Cyrus Eaten by Dress."

Melody Thornton [Pussycat Dolls]: Grade B



I'm not really sure who this chick is so I Wikipedia’s her and found out she's a Pussycat Doll. (Were they nominated for ANYTHING?) Whoever she is she looked good. I like this dress on her, it fits her well. The silver contrasts well with her skin tone. I love the up-do and even her bag and jewelry went well with the whole look. I think she should break free from her current job as a singing stripper and go more main stream.

Mary J. Blige: Grade B-



While I would never wear this dress Mary J. Blige looked fab in it! Mary is the kind of lady you do not mess with and I think this dress sort of perpetuates that part of her personality. It's hot pink as if to say "I'm feminine" but it's got all that tangly strappy business at the top as if to say "I'm feminine but I will hit you in the face with a frying pan if you piss me off." I'm always in awe of her singing voice and she's an amazing woman. She has her own style and frankly I'm afraid to say anything too negative because I have several large frying pans lying around.

Lady GaGa: Grade A



She's being herself and I admire that. While there isn't a chance in hell I'd ever wear this dress that's really never the point with Lady GaGa. It's important to say, when regarding Lady GaGa, that it's hard to knock someone who does it their way. She is so far out there with her style and fashion that I don't even think it's appropriate to say she looks like a lunatic. That's kind of her point. She wears clothes to make you think, to make you look twice and to make your eyes pop out of your head. I love Lady GaGa for her performance art and I feel that her fashion is a reflection of that. I may be the only person on Earth who gives her an A, but it's my honest, fashionable opinion. There isn't a category for Lady GaGa and that freaks people out but she doesn't deserve an F.

Kristen Bell: Grade D



Kristen Bell looked awesome at the Golden Globes but last night she looked a little blah to me. And I guess I thought it was obvious that if you wore a dress with detail at the neck you should wear your hair UP and not down. Her hair is hiding the one thing about the dress that sets it apart from other black dresses. I don't think it fit her very well either to be totally honest. I think it looks like a sack. I'm just bothered by the whole mess.

Kesha: Grade D+



The only thing I liked about Kesha's whole ensemble last night was the feather in her hair. I know that's kind of her thing. She puts feathers and braids and gives herself that "I just spend hours doing you know what in bed" look about herself. The dress, however, just looked like dangly crap. Is it flapper inspired or is it more Native American? The other big issue is the color. I feel like everything about her is the same color; her hair, her skin, her dress. Yuck. And the way the dress points in a V at the bottom really does not do much for her figure.

Keri Hilson: B+



I wouldn't really call this a Grammy dress, it's so formal. But the girl looks great! I think the dress is gorgeous. I love the color, the belt, blah blah blah. It's another dress that I feel like I've seen 8 billion times but it doesn't suck.

Katy Perry: Grade A



I bet a lot of people disagree with me but this dress is cool. And Katy Perry looks HAWT in it! DAMMMN. It makes me wish I had her body. If I had her body I'd wear a dress like that! I think Katy is another person with her own style. I like to give credit to people who come up with their own thing and commit to it. Other people who dress normal to one awards show and then try to take a chance on something like this the next awards show irritate me. You either are or you aren't the possessor of your own style and Katy definitely is. So step off!

Jennifer Nettles [Sugarland]: Grade A



Girrrrl, I love this dress! I am not of the country persuasion but I have always liked Jennifer Nettles. I've seen her here or there and when I see her she always looks good. I think the red looks awesome on her. I love the way the black adds some geometric pop. And her figure is perfect for the cut-outs at the waist and back. I thought she did a good job of showing off her figure and her style.

Jennifer Hudson: Grade C+



She looks great but the dress says "School Marm" to me. It's just a skirt suit. Who wears a skirt suit to the Grammy's? It definitely cinches her waist and she looks good. But I have to take away points for lack of effort.

Fergie: Grade C-



She wears a lot of color I'll give her that much. She just looks like a hussy. It's something a cocktail waitress would wear. And the snaky looking metallic bit is not helping.

Colbie Caillat: Grade D



This dress screams PROM! Where's her corsage? She does not belong on the red carpet in this dress. It's an ugly ass color for starters! It makes her hips look enormous for seconds. And her hair looks like I did it. And I do a terrible job with a curling iron. I just hate everything about it.

Carrie Underwood: Grade A-



This picture is not the best to really relay what this dress looked like. I saw her on the red carpet show and you could really see how the top straps intertwined. The dress is kind of futuristic too which I'm surprised I like. I just thought she looked really tasteful. She stood out without having to show a hell of a lot of leg or having her boobs falling out all over God's creation.

Beyonce: Grade C+



You know what I just realized as I was deciding what grade to give Beyonce? I have never really liked her fashion choices. I love her and am a closet fan of her music but I rarely like what she wears. She's got curves and I don't like the way she treats them. I mean if you're a curvy person you don't wear thick fabrics. I feel like everything she wears is always ADDING to her instead of showing her off. I don't mean showing her off as in lots of skin either. Take into account the carpet bag dress she wore to the Oscars last year (that black and gold thing), she just always wears fabric that's really freaking thick. I'd love to ask her why. And yet again, I feel like between the ugly color and all that extra roap-y detail on this dress she looks huge and she's not that huge.

Ciara: Grade F



What in the name of Cher is she wearing? She's like a space alien dominatrix. You've got lace, you've got straps, you've got sheer shit, and you’ve got all sorts of crap going on with this dress girl! I just don't get it. It's so ugly I can't even find the words to describe it. It's an ugly I've yet to encounter until just now. Yeck.

Best Dressed: Pink - as I said already I just loved that dress. Top to bottom it was the coolest dress there.

Worst Dressed: Ciara - really, what is that? Is it a jumpsuit? Is it a dress? Actually it doesn't matter what you call it, it grosses me out whatever it is.

There was a lot of fashion to pick on last night but I think it really wasn't that bad. This was the red carpet to have my first A+ dress winner of 2010. Sadly though there were a few gals trying to bring the other ladies down with their silly black lace jumpsuits. Who knows where the fashion will go from here. I'm itching for the Academy Awards now. We've seen three red carpets this year and the Big Momma of them all is just a few weeks away.

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.