Zoiks! Online - Music. Stand-up. TV. Film. "Funny Name. Seriously Entertaining.": 10/1/09

"'Paranormal Activity' vs. 'The Blair Witch Project.'"

By Bob Zerull

I was late in seeing “Paranormal Activity.” After reading an article from “Entertainment Weekly” about the three alternate endings, I thought it was about time I commented. “Paranormal Activity” has been fairly compared to “The Blair Witch Project.” The latter of the two films came out ten years ago and took Hollywood by storm. No other film has been able to match that hype and success, until “Paranormal Activity.”

So which one is better?

I can see why you’d lean in either direction. Personally I’m going to lean towards “The Blair Witch Project.” That movie was so real and so natural. There wasn’t really a “Blair Witch,” but those kids were really out there in the woods without really knowing what was going on. They weren’t acting; rather they were just being. In “Paranormal Activity” there wasn’t too much acting either, but there was enough that I got taken out of the movie for a little bit. So much so that I was disconnected from the story when it ended and I’m pretty sure the ending would have scared the crap out of me if I had never lost that connection.

What both movies did very well was let your imaginations run wild. During both movies I found myself praying for daylight whenever there was a nighttime shot. I honestly believe those that say they weren’t scared by either movie, disconnected from the story at some point, so they weren’t letting their imaginations run wild.

I loved the marketing campaigns for both. “The Blair Witch” people actually convinced a lot of people that these were real tapes. “Paranormal Activity” shot the audience members and used their reaction to watching the movie as its trailer. It was pure genius in both cases.

I watched “Paranormal Activity” last night at 10:00 o’clock at night. At around midnight when it was over I was cleaning up our kitchen after my wife went to sleep. At this point I was kind of disappointed in “Paranormal Activity” and I was prepared to tell everyone. As I’m tidying up the kitchen, all of the sudden I start hearing and seeing stuff. I had to go to bed watching “Robot Chicken” to keep me from being up all night. “Paranormal Activity” stuck with me.

Both movies satisfied my need to be scared shitless. That ending shot in “The Blair Witch Project” will forever be burned in my memory. A true test in a horror film is if that movie can continue to scare you after you finish watching it. I can only really think of a handful of films that really have that affect on me. These movies definitely fit the bill.

I am very pleased with the success of “Paranormal Activity.” This season has been dominated by the “Saw” films for the past five years. Don’t get me wrong, “Saw” through “Saw 3” were surprisingly decent pictures, but four and five were terrible. It was nice to see “Paranormal Activity” come out and kick “Saw 6’s” ass at the box office. Check out “Paranormal Activity.” I highly recommend seeing it with an audience. The audience experience adds so much to the movie.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

“Saving Abel headlines the Class of 2009 tour.”

By Bob Zerull

While its name is based on the biblical story of Cain and Abel, don’t be fooled. Saving Abel is a straight up rock band. The guys kicked off their headlining tour entitled the Class of 2009 with Red and Pop Evil on October 27th. Saving Abel’s also going to bring out “freshman” act Taddy Porter, hoping to make this a yearly tour with a different “freshman” act each year.

Zoiks! Online had the privilege to talk with Saving Abel bassist Eric Taylor about the upcoming tour, the state of the music industry and when to look for a new Saving Abel album.

Q - You guys are one of those bands where even if you’re hearing a song for the first time, it feels like you’ve heard it before. Where do you think that comes from?

A - We write what we know. We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel. The music we grew up listening to really shows up in our music.

Q - If you had to describe your band’s sounds how would you do it?

A - Modern southern rock. We cut our teeth on southern rock. So it’s a mixture between today’s rock mixed with old southern rock.

Q - What is the band’s writing process like? Do you try to shoot for a certain sound?

A - We’re recording our second album right now and the process actually changed a little bit. Some of the songs are heavier. We have the ballads, because we’re Saving Abel, but we’re better writers. You know, you continue to grow.

Q - Who or what influenced you to pick up the bass and start making music?

A - Justin Chancellor from Tool made me switch from guitar to bass. I loved his work on some of the earlier Tool albums.

Q - What was the first concert you went to as a child?

A - George Strait actually (laughs), that was a while ago. I think Confederate Railroad was there too.

Q - What band or artist are you really into right now?

A - One of the bands we’re taking out on tour with us, Taddy Porter, out of Oklahoma, they’re kind of like The Black Crowes. Great rock band.

Q - Is there a band or artist that you’re a closet fan of, someone that we’d be surprised by?

A - Huge Michael Jackson fan, which I guess is not that surprising. The whole band was huge fans of his. We had a moment of silence as a band when he passed.

Q - Who have you enjoyed touring with the most?

A – Nickelback, a bunch of good guys and they took good care of us, I hope to do it again.

Q - Who would you love to tour with?

A - Alice in Chains. That’s a band we all grew up listening to. They’re great writers and musicians. The new singer has an amazing voice.

Q - What’s your opinion of going on tour; is it fun, is it rough?

A - It’s a mixture of both really. You don’t see family or friends, but it’s fun. You get to see the world, meet different people. It’s the best job in the world.

Q - Do you have any embarrassing or memorable stories from the road?

A - I’ve almost fell off the stage; haven’t yet. I’m sure that day will come. I guess just tripping or getting caught up in cable, nothing too bad. That’s happened to all of us. But nothing too embarrassing yet, knock on wood (laughs).

Q - Do you have a favorite song to perform live?

A – “Addicted” because that song did so well for us; everyone knows it. It’s amazing to hear the crowd singing back to one of your songs.

Q - Do you have a favorite place to play?

A - Not really, I mean different venues vary. Some are intimate; you can see everyone and it’s great to be able to see everyone. Then you go out with Nickelback where we’re playing to 15 - 20,000 people and you can’t see anyone but the energy is amazing. I don’t have a favorite.

Q - Tell me about your upcoming tour and where “the freshman” idea came from?

A - It was a combination between us and our management. If we’re going to do a headlining tour, it’d be cool to have heavy hitting radio bands. We’ve had some radio success with “Addicted.” Red and Pop Evil have had some radio success as well. So they’re headliners in their own right. Then we’d bring an unsigned band along which we refer to as the freshmen, which is Taddy Porter. They’re a real fun band to watch live. We have the same management. They had never toured before; we’re trying to break ‘em in, and it’s going to be fun.

Q - What do you think of the state of the music industry? How do you think it’ll affect your future releases?

A - I think you’ll still have true fans of albums and the artwork who will still buy them. Technology has advanced and a lot of people prefer digital. We’re almost double platinum digital. So as long as we keep the fan base, I don’t think the state of the music industry really matters. I think digital has hurt album sales but at the same time more people have access to your music.

Q - When can we expect another album from Saving Abel?

A - We’re shooting for sometime in the spring, 2010, March or April.

Check out Saving Abel on the Class of 2009 tour with Red, Pop Evil and this year’s freshman Taddy Porter. They’re a bunch of down to Earth guys from Corinth, Mississippi. I’ve seen them live and they do NOT disappoint. For more information on Saving Abel, visit the band’s website at: www.savingabel.com.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

"'The Twilight Saga: New Moon' updates."

By Bry Schulz

Summit Entertainment has OK’d the re-release of the first "Twilight" film to theaters. The film will be re-released in more than 2,000 theaters across the country and can be seen on November 19th. Just one day before the much anticipated release of "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" fan-pires can get in the "zone" by seeing "Twilight" again on the big screen. No doubt it'll be (for most Twi-hards) the millionth viewing of the film, but fun nonetheless! It's always nice to see Edward on the big screen.

And in online news the trailer for "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" is breaking records. Last week alone the trailer was viewed 25 million times putting it at number one on the list of movie trailers viewed online. Coming in at second place was "Michael Jackson's This is It" with 2.3 million views. Wow, first place had 25 million views and second place had just 2.3 million? Just a hair under "New Moon," right? If that doesn't tell you this movie is going to break box office records I don't know what will.

With just 20 days and some odd hours in the countdown left we're finally getting close Twi-Lighters. I'd like to open up a little discussion this time. Of course we're all looking forward to the film’s release, but what about the big promotional tour for the film are you looking forward to the most? Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner on the Today show? The premier in L.A. on November 16th? Or maybe seeing more from Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz? I know I'm secretly hoping Stephanie Meyers comes out of hiding to give someone an interview. Have a happy Halloween Twi-fans. I hope you get bitten by your own special vampire!

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Hot doggin’ it on ’NCAA Football 10,’ just like Mark Sanchez.”

By Jonathan Schlosser

In the spirit of college football and mascots, which I started writing about in my last piece, I went out and I bought “NCAA Football 10.” I wanted to know if those mascots looked just as ugly in the game; if they looked like they’d been dreamed up by a strung-out professor, that is. I wanted to know if the game even had them at all, showing the world how ugly some of them were. I thought EA might be afraid that, if someone saw the jaundiced, French Fry-shrouded head of a certain mascot, sales would plummet.

I found out three things that have quickly become the most important things in my life:

1. The game does, in fact, have the mascots.

2. You can play football games as the mascots.

3. You should never tell your girlfriend that the two most important things in your life are the two I’ve listed above.

Seriously, though, it’s awesome. You can pick the team you want and also pick that you want to play as mascots, not players, and there it is. They take the field. Whole lines of Spartys and Lions and Trojans.

I felt awesome for having discovered something so undoubtedly cool, and then I felt everything but awesome for how excited I was getting. I felt a little pathetic. I felt like the neighbors could look in and see me, kneeling on the floor in front of the television, slowly bowing and chanting and clapping a bit off-beat in devote honor. So I closed the door and the shades and got on with it.

For the sake of testing it out (how could we not? That would have been like finding the Fountain of Youth and not taking a drink, like finding your father’s vodka and, well, not taking a drink. Both of those examples are pretty much the same, when you get right down to it) two of my roommates chose the West Virginia Mountaineers and the Florida Gators. We got a few beers (you try worshiping a television for half an hour without ceasing; you’ll want a beer, too) and settled in.

The Gator was fat. It was fat and green and when it ran it seemed to trundle along like a sixth-grader who has played nothing but Nintendo his whole life, eating Hot Pockets by the pound, and then has been handed a real football and told to go for it (before you get any ideas, I was not that kid. I was not. I swear it. Really. For real. I promise). It wasn’t slow, of course, but it was just so big that it looked slow. The only one that looked fast was Tim Teb -excuse me, Quarterback Number Fifteen.

The Mountaineer was, most disappointingly, not the full-size SUV. That would have been a game, I thought. Instead, he was a little man who looked a lot like Daniel Boone looked. He had on a fur cap and leather everything (not that kind of leather - the tan-brown kind that still looks somewhat like animal hide) and a fanny pack. Well, not a fanny pack, per se, but a shoulder pack. It was made out of leather, too, and looked like it was meant to hold a lunch. And it was convenient, I thought, because that way Mark Sanchez could play and know he’d never get bored the way he did last week against the Oakland Raiders (see this if you don’t know what I’m talking about):

(There is nothing worse to be found. Unless Tom Cable can create it, which he’s trying to do as hard as he can).

The Gators won. Of course they did. I think that bit was hard-wired into the game.

More on ugly mascots next month. Starting and finishing with the Buckeye. Both because I’m from Michigan and because it deserves it. Anything that looks like I ate it and then passed it again deserves about all the hate I can muster up.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

“Jon Gosselin and Octomom Nadya Suleman equal humor for life.”

By Jason Tanamor

In an article I wrote on October 26th about Jon Gosselin getting a new TV show with the Octomom Nadya Suleman, I said Suleman was the only one that could relate to Jon’s situation. Check out the story here:

http://www.zoiksonline.com/2009/10/jon-needs-new-show-to-pay-back-kate.html

However, it seems to be happening for real. Check out the story here:

http://perezhilton.com/2009-10-28-jon-nadya-plus-22-a-go

In tribute to this fascinating source of humor for years to come, check out the birth of Suleman’s eight babies as seen by Jimmy Kimmel.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“David Letterman likes his ‘late nights.’”

By Jason Tanamor

Wow, talk about getting the shaft on late night. Or should I say, giving the shaft? In an article on NYPost.com, “A female former staff writer for David Letterman said the comedian's late-night operation was a hostile, sexually charged, male-dominated bastion where women didn't climb the ladder unless they climbed into bed.”

The article went on to say, “Nearly 20 years before Letterman admitted he slept with female staffers, he ran an enterprise rife with rumors about his affairs with subordinates, and looked the other way when other high-level men were sleeping with the staff, Nell Scovell writes in Vanity Fair.”

Now, let me get this straight. Letterman slept with female staffers, and looked the other way when it came to high level men sleeping with other female staffers? Talk about getting ahead in life. Or moving up the late night schtick.

In honor of David Letterman’s ‘shaft,’ here’s the Top Ten List Involving David Letterman’s Sex Scandal.

10. Wanna see a stupid pet trick? Here, pet this.

9. Great moments in presidential speeches – “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

8. Here are the top ten ways to get a promotion.

7. Now it’s time to play Stump The Band. “Sexual Healing!”

6. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Schaffer. And by Paul Shaffer I mean my penis.

5. Alan Kalter as Big Red? I wonder where he gets THAT from.

4. Will it float - Fake or real breasts? This week we’re playing for an all male jury.

3. Is this anything? Hula hoop girl and grinder girl? It’s a penis.

2. You know this all started when Drew Barrymore flashed me.

1. Oprah, Uma. Nope, never had either of them.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“New clip from ‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon,' - a kissing scene.”

By Bry Schulz

It looks like another new scene from "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" has been released. This time for the CW? At least that's the logo at the beginning of the clip. Anyway, however, it got to YouTube is meaningless.

The point is it's a Bella and Edward kiss! You've been teased by this kiss before in a movie trailer but this is the actual lip plant. I have some issues with it. I know Edward has trouble controlling his "urge" to drink Bella's blood but he looks downright grossed out when he kisses her. That's so not right. While it's difficult for them to be romantic it's not freakin' weird! Geez. Well, see what you think of the clip...

Also, last night the Scream Awards aired on Spike TV. Taylor Lautner was on hand to unveil some new footage from "The Twilight Saga: New Moon." In case you missed last night's show or forgot to DVR it here's a link to view the video. This is actually behind the scenes footage and not a new scene from the movie, which is cool. You see a lot about how the wolves were made in CGI. There are plenty of shirtless werewolves in it. The guys who play "Sam" and "Paul" talk a little about being in the wolf pack. Enjoy this video, it's almost three whole minutes of "New Moon" goodness.

http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&brand=msn%20video&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:75551087-2d10-4582-ac35-a58f9c8e7225&showPlaylist=true&from=IV2_en-us_v11HP&fg=gtlv2

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"Halloween, it's not just about candy."

By Jason Tanamor

If you live anywhere in the United States, you’ll know that the end of October is a time for being scared. And I’m not referring to ghosts or goblins. I’m implying that trick or treating, a Halloween past time and staple in our culture, turns people into hypocrites. That’s right, I said it. Hypocrites.

If you think about it, and I really want you to, so put down that remote control - there’s nothing on but reality shows and dramas with subversive plots involving sex (and that's just on David Letterman) - and listen up. If you think about it, people teach their children to "never take candy from strangers." But when Halloween comes around, that’s all parents want their children to do take candy from strangers.

In fact, not only do parents encourage their children to take candy from strangers, they drive them to the rich neighborhoods to do so.

"Hurry kids, last year they gave out steaks," the mother says.

"But mom," the boy says, "I’m too old for trick or treating."

"I don’t care if you’re 35 years old," his mother says. "Get your SpongeBob costume on and get in the station wagon."

Then, the boy leaves his wife and kids to go to a rich neighborhood (with his SpongeBob costume on), only to find out that instead of miniature Snickers bars, he’s getting a full sized Snickers bar.

"What happened to the steaks?" he asks his mother with great disappointment. After all, his costume is now riding up his ass.

"It must be the economy."

But since this is a tradition, to be hypocrites, instead of treats this year, I’m going to give out tricks. That’s right, I’m giving out hookers. Sugar will now be "Sugar the hooker with stretch marks," and Sweets will now be "Sweets the hooker with seven kids, each with a different daddy."

Every child that comes to my door, he or she will receive a hooker. Some may come with all their teeth, some may come with a disgruntled pimp, and some will just come - on your car seat, your couch or on your floor.

After you are finished with your hooker, be sure you discard her properly. I’d hate to see used hookers on the street, something that is very common in some areas of my hometown, when they can easily be discarded by throwing them in dumpsters. So make sure you take the time to throw your hooker away. Never mind the homeless people in those dumpsters, that’s an entirely different problem... I mean column. There are garbage trucks that clean those dumpsters out once a week.

So, if you are in the mood for a hooker rather than a Heath bar, be sure to come by early. Hookers, like candy, don’t last long. At least the good ones don’t. The ones that last until Christmas are the hookers that ruin your teeth. They’re the "Jolly Ranchers" of the hooker world. These ones you have to suck on until they slide smoothly down your throat. And sometimes, if you wait too long, these hookers are so sticky that loose garments and unidentifiable goo will stick to them, causing your hooker experience to be less delightful in which you’re forced to pick at your tongue for unknown liquids and strands of hair. There’s nothing that irritates me more than filthy hookers.

To sum up: Instead of candy, I’m giving out hookers.

And even though I’m feeding into the Halloween tradition (where I give out a trick or a treat), while I was growing up and even today as an adult, I’ve never heard anyone say, "Don’t take hookers from strangers."

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Rich Vos has failed at everything but stand-up comedy.”

By Jason Tanamor

Most people know Rich Vos from his appearances on Comedy Central. Others remember him as a finalist on NBC’s first ever “Last Comic Standing.” For everyone else, you’re probably thinking, “Who?” Although Vos isn’t commercially known, he is huge among the stand-up circuit. And with him come years of comedy experience.

Vos recently shared some of his wisdom with Zoiks! Online. When I first called him, he was on the other line with the bank. So, about 20 minutes later, Vos returned my call and the interview began.

Q – You’ve been doing stand-up for decades now. Tell me how you first got involved with it.

RV – I failed at everything else.

Q – Comedians always tell me there was a specific moment why they became a comic. What was yours?

RV – I don’t know. I’ve just always loved stand-up as a kid, you know. I used to watch it on television. When I was in second grade I watched Ed Sullivan. I figured when I got older, the singers were getting laid and I couldn’t sing, so…

Q – Your stand-up is somewhat reminiscent of someone with low self-esteem. How did this come about?

RV – It depends. I have to attack myself a little before I start attacking the audience. I do it in a fun way, but I have to attack myself first.

Q – I’ve been covering stand-up for a long time and I don’t know a lot about your act, other than what I see on TV. Is the material you do on television different than what you do on stage?

RV – Yeah, you can’t say hot loads in the face on TV.

Q - Do you have a set primarily for television versus what you do on stage in clubs?

RV – It depends. I’ve done half hour specials and it’s always different. When I do TV I usually have new material and I do that.

Q – Your wife, Bonnie McFarlane, is also a comedian. Do you two ever find yourselves one upping each other with comebacks or is she always right?

RV – What will happen is she’ll fuck some guy and then I’ll have to one up her and fuck some girl. Then she’ll one up me and bang my brother. Now I’ll have to fuck two of her sisters and her father; it’s an ongoing process.

Q – Having a spouse who also does stand-up, do you find yourself writing material together or at least running jokes by each other?

RV – No, we come up with some ideas. (Bonnie, in the background, says – I write it all.) We work on projects together but we don’t sit and write jokes together.

Q – So you don’t run material by each other before doing it?

RV – Once in a blue moon we do.

Q – Does it ever go the way you don’t want it go? Like you write a joke and she says, ‘I don’t like that one?’

RV – Yeah, and then the next morning she has to go out and buy more make-up.

Q – You’ve been doing this for many years. What’s the secret to staying funny for a long time?

RV – A mortgage, three kids, a golf habit. Want me to keep going? Two car payments. No wait, I pay cash for my cars. You get the idea. (Pause) But that’s what I love to do. If I’m going to do stand-up, I’m going to do it as well as I can.

Q – What do you have going on now? Tour? Special?

RV – I have this big interview, what are you talking about? What else can top this?

Q – But you had to put me on hold for the bank?

RV – You’re right (laughs). You can’t take my fucking house from me. (Pause) We’re working on a documentary and actually at this moment we’re downloading some of the stuff. So, we’re making a movie, Bonnie and I.

Q – Well, that’s all I had for you. Anything you wanted to throw in there?

RV – I don’t know what the fuck. Who else have you interviewed?

Q – Jim Breuer, Margaret Cho, Christopher Titus, Aisha Tyler.

RV – Yeah, Breuer is working on this project. (Also attached to the project is Artie Lange. Opie from Opie & Anthony is producing the movie.)

Q – Paula Poundstone.

RV – Paula Poundstone? She’s one of my favorites. I love watching her. So I’m pretty much the biggest act you’ve had? I’m pretty much the highlight. What? You want to talk to him? Hang on, my wife wants to say something.

BM – What is this for?

Q – Zoiks! Online magazine.

RV – Have you heard of it?

BM – Yeah, it’s the hottest new comedy magazine.

Q – How did you know that?

BM – (laughs) I follow this stuff man. I get Zoiks! updates.

Q – Awesome.

So there it is folks, Bonnie McFarlane says, “Zoiks! Online is the hottest new comedy magazine.” Look for Rich Vos and Bonnie’s new movie.

For more information on Vos, visit his website at: http://www.richvos.com.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“’The Twilight Saga: New Moon’ - New Trailer.”

By Bry Schulz

While scanning the net for new “New Moon” goodies I found a new trailer. It was not on the “New Moon” official website but I found it on EOnline.com. Again, they are giving us a little present. Thanks E!

Anyway, this trailer isn't necessarily mind blowing or new. But there is an incredibly familiar deep voiced announcer explaining how hot Edward is. Or, that's just what I heard, that may not be what actually came out of the speakers. Enjoy! 23 days left:

http://www.eonline.com/videos/v46708_new-moon-sneak-peek.html

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“The Excavation of Mushroom Island.” – Book Review.

By Bry Schulz

4 Stars:

The book "The Excavation of Mushroom Island" by Logan Zawacki is not your typical fiction book. In fact I found nothing typical about it. It is a fictional take on the video game Super Mario Brothers. However, it's not about cheat codes or how to level up higher than your best buddy; it's something totally different.

"The Excavation of Mushroom Island" is a story created to make you feel like you're reading an archaeological discovery of the actual world Mario comes from. In the forward to the book, Zawacki discovers a tunnel inside a volcano and transports to a fantasy world.

After the forward to the book there are around 32 pages of seemingly real documentation on the discovery of the Mario Brothers world. The art in this book is amazing. It really looks like you are seeing an artist’s rendition of real creatures discovered by archaeologists. Each page is incredibly detailed and describes the class of species found, their habits, reasons for extinction, etc. This book was no simple task in creating.

Because I am not an expert when it comes to Super Mario Brothers I enlisted the help of my husband. I decided to do a little Q&A with him to get a man’s take on this book. Joe (the hubs) read the forward and picked several pages to read beyond that. Here is our conversation about "The Excavation of Mushroom Island."

Q - First, what did you think of the book?

A - Wow. Lots of detail. Somebody really likes Super Mario Brothers.

Q - Don't you like Super Mario Brothers?

A - Oh yeah. I haven't played it in forever. It made me want to get it and play it.

Q - What did you think was the coolest thing about the book?

A - The forward. The idea that someone would accidentally stumble upon a portal to another world while searching for something else. It's a good story.

Q - Did the book seem like it was accurate to the video game that you remember from years ago?

A - Oh yeah. I almost had to laugh a few times because some of the pictures just remind you of that time. Super Mario Brothers was more a video game I played as a kid. I remember how fun and sometimes how tough that game was. It's kind of like the first game I ever got into.

Q - Do you think that is why this book might strike a chord with a lot of people?

A - Definitely. Mario Brothers is like the first video game you ever really conquer. That and maybe Legend of Zelda.

Q - What do you think people will like about this book?

A - I think it's kind of a tribute to, like I said, that first time you played a video game. It may sound dumb to people but for a lot of people it just brings back memories. It would be fun to show that book to other people you know who were into Mario Brothers as much. I'm not a huge Mario Brothers fan now or anything but I thought it was cool.

Q - Do you want this for Christmas?

A - (laughs) You can surprise me. I'll let you decide.

So from the sounds of it, if you want to take my husband’s word as a "pseudo-sort-of-expert" on the subject this book is fun for anyone who loves or loved Super Mario Brothers. As a chick I can maybe compare it by saying if someone was to write a fictional archaeological/art book about Barbie that would be... well, no, that wouldn't probably make any sense.

But my two cents is this: it's an extremely creative way to look at something. I am a total novice when it comes to this sort of thing. But I certainly appreciate the book for what it is. This is a very entertaining and light hearted way to look at Super Mario Brothers. A world that exists for so many in our imagination. Very cool and I recommend it to anyone who is into video games.

For information on how to purchase this book please contact the author or visit the following web address:

www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/723284

Logan Zawacki: lzcreations@hotmail.com

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“’The Twilight Saga: New Moon’ pimped on the ‘Today Show.’”

By Bry Schulz

People.com is reporting that the “Today Show” on NBC will have three days of "The Twilight Saga: New Moon." Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner will all be appearing on the morning show, though not all at once. Beginning November 18th with Robert Pattinson, November 19th with Kristen Stewart, and ending the day the film comes out, November 20th with Taylor Lautner.

I have a few thoughts. I think back to last year when K.Stew and R.Patz were on the “Today Show.” Meredith Vieira interviewed them and took them out on the plaza to have some audience members ask them questions. I hope Meredith knows this time around that would be a very bad idea. Unless she wants to be trampled to death by a pack of raging 15-year-old girls. (I don't know why I'm picking on the 15 year olds, it's not like I wouldn't kill Meredith Vieira myself for a chance to touch... wait, no, I must not admit that.)

Another memory this story sparks is when last year Meredith got Robert Pattinson’s name WRONG. Yes, she called him Robert Patterson. Whoops. I bet ya a hundy she gets his name right this time. And my last thought is wondering if Robert, Kristen, or Taylor will get to do the weather with Al. Regardless of all the above I know I'll be setting my DVR. I watch the “Today Show” every morning but now I have something more to envy than just Natalie Morales's astonishingly gorgeous hair.

Check out last year’s “Today Show” footage of K.Stew and R.Patz:

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Jon needs a new show to pay back Kate plus 8.”

By Jason Tanamor

Jon and Kate are in the news again. YAY!!!! In an article at NBC Bay Area, the notorious ‘why am I watching this on TV?’ couple were in court again.

This time over the remainder of what Jon owes Kate. That total, $151,500 is the only thing Kate is looking for, according to the article. It stated, “’The only proof of money we received is $28,500 that was sent over a week ago,’ Kate's attorney, Mark Momjian, told Usmagazine.com over the weekend.”

However, Jon’s attorney, according to the story, said, “’The octodad has ‘completely complied’ with court orders.’”

OK. Whatever that means, the article didn’t say.

So, how does Jon repay this money? The once upon a time reality show, "Jon & Kate Plus 8,” as silly as it may be now, was once one of TLC’s highest rated shows.

What I think should happen is this: Jon should get his own reality show again. Because no matter what you say about Jon, the fact that people follow the divorce in headlines means there must still be some interest.

The premise? Post marriage with Jon being a father to his eight kids and funny, bitter banter about Kate’s bad habits – like any other divorce. He could go on dates but cancel at the last minute because trying to find a babysitter for eight is ridiculous. And even if he did, having the ‘get to know’ you conversation with a woman who does actually want to date a father with eight kids, would be classic.

“I’ve got eight kids,” Jon says. “Why is there a camera behind you?”

“Me too,” Octomom says. “Why is there a camera behind you?”

Because who else can relate to this madness?

It could be called “Jon and Date Can Relate.”

Every Wednesday’s and every other weekends, this fall on TLC.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’ – the mall tour."

By Bry Schulz

Back in the day, Tiffany had a hit song called, “I think we’re alone now.” I wonder if she meant her and the cast of “New Moon.”

A lot of the twi-hards aren't old enough to know WHO in the name of Robert Pattinson I'm referring to above. In the 80's, a pop star named Tiffany did mall tours. It’s kind of like what the cast of “New Moon” is about to do.

No, I'm not making this up. Would I tease you like that? I couldn't. Summit Entertainment has officially announced a 15 city mall tour. The cast of “New Moon” will show up at malls around the U.S. to promote the much anticipated flick. Some of the mall appearances will even have a live performance from a band featured on the film’s soundtrack. Holy Movie Pimpin' Batman!

So far it sounds like the first stop on the tour in LA will be the bestest. Four of the bands from the movie's soundtrack will be there to kick off the big bad mall tour. Death Cab for Cutie, Anya Marina, Sea Wolf, and Band of Skulls are the reported four to appear. Band of Skulls does have one of my favorite songs on the soundtrack and I can't wait to see where it lands in the movie. But I digress.

So, where will the cast appear? There's a complete list below. If you feel so inclined you might start camping out at the Hot Topic in one of these cities ASAP! I have a feeling these mall stops are going to be madness. I fear for the safety of the cast. I wonder exactly who Summit means when they say "cast," because, if I waited several days outside a mall to see the kid who plays Seth Clearwater I'd be kind of irked. I mean, I'm sure he's nice and all but let’s be real. I'm sure one thing Team Edward and Team Jacob can agree on is this: you're not waiting in line for days at a Hot Topic to get a glimpse of Peter Facinelli. Or maybe you are. I don't want to offend those on Team Carlisle. That’s if you exist.

The plain truth is this whole idea actually scares me a little. I fear for the safety of a few of the "cast" members of “New Moon” if they are participating. Poor Robert Pattinson can't walk down the street without being mobbed. Imagine what would happen if you put him in a small confined space like a Hot Topic? He could be killed. And that's NOT ACCEPTABLE. He's precious and needs to be handled with care. So while it may be cool for people to get an intimate Q&A with some of the “New Moon” cast I just pray it doesn't come at the price of their safety either. That Rachelle Lefevre gal is expendable though, seeing as she's not in the next movie. If someone’s gotta take one for the team... or maybe we can throw Tiffany at them. Twenty four days to go!

Mall Tour Dates & Locals for cast of New Moon:

November 6 – Hollywood & Highland Center (Los Angeles, CA) *
November 8 – Park Meadows (Denver, CO)
November 9 – Natick Collection (Boston, MA) *
November 9 – Mall Location TBD – Check hottopic.com for update (Chicago, IL) *
November 9 – Fair Oaks Mall (Washington, DC)
November 10 – Houston Galleria (Houston, TX)
November 11 – Mall of America (Minneapolis, MN) *
November 11 – Cherry Hill Mall (Philadelphia, PA) *
November 11 – Stonestown Galleria (San Francisco, CA)
November 12 – Mall of Georgia (Atlanta, GA)
November 12 – Westfield Southcenter (Seattle, WA) *
November 13 – Dadeland Mall (Miami, FL)
November 13 – Scottsdale Fashion Square (Phoenix, AZ)
November 14 – Fashion Place (Salt Lake City, UT) *
November 19 - Times Square (New York, NY)

*Denotes a performance by a band featured on "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" soundtrack.

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Tesla rocks the Adler Theatre.” – Concert Review.

(Adler Theatre, Davenport, IA)

By Jason Tanamor

One of my favorite bands growing up was Tesla. Growing up in the hair band era, Tesla was a group that definitely stood out, not because of its high hair, but because of the music they put out. The other day, I decided to pop in “The Great Radio Controversy.” Listening to that album, today in 2009, made me realize that if Tesla released this album now instead of back in 1990, it would still be a terrific, rocking album.

With guitar fueled songs like “Heaven’s Trail (No Way Out)” and “Did It For The Money,” Tesla showed why they were a force to be wrecking with. Tesla’s music seemed to transcend through time. It transcended through grunge, gangsta rap, and hip hop, until the music industry finally saw the reemergence of metal.

Fast forward to 2008 with the release of Tesla’s 10th album, “Forever More.” The album, much like “Great Radio” in terms of heart pounding bass drum and kick ass guitar riffs, is easily one of the best releases in recent years. Fans picking up the album not knowing that Tesla has been around for more than 20 years will undeniably see why the band has longevity.

The tour with the same name came through Davenport, Iowa on Friday, October 23rd to the Adler Theatre. The venue, filled at near capacity (around 2,000 people), was the perfect stage for one of rock’s greats. With songs like the self-titled, “Forever More,” (the song they opened up with) and “Breakin’ Free,” Tesla did not disappoint fans. Jeff Keith and company played a good mix of older songs and tunes from the band’s new album.

What I loved about the band and nearly two hour show was the fact that the group had been doing this for many years. It was obvious in the songs they played, the show they put on, and the way they got the crowd into it. Even more, singer Jeff Keith, lead guitarist Frank Hannon and bassist Brian Wheat all seemed to have a big smile on their face, as if they couldn’t believe they get to do this for a living. At one point during the show, Keith, after Tesla had played “Signs,” pointed up to the large banner behind the stage and said, “I see a sign. It reads T-E-S-L-A.” After this, the crowd went crazy with applause. This statement signified the band’s saying, “We’re still here!”

The rest of the set consisted of Tesla’s biggest hits from previous albums. “Modern Day Cowboy,” “Hang Tough,” “Heaven’s Trail,” and “Love Song,” were among the songs that night.

Tesla hit on all cylinders, which was attributed to the band staying in tact all these years. The only exception was the new kid on the block, Dave Rude, who plays guitar and is about as old as the band has been around. He replaced Tommy Skeoch, but after watching the show, fans wouldn’t have been able to tell he was new.

The Adler’s sound was right on as well, adding to the Tesla experience. During several parts of the show, Hannon, Rude, and Wheat played side by side by side to the front row, giving lucky fans an up close look at their playing.

Overall, Tesla rocked the house, ending the night with “Rock Me To The Top.” It was a perfect ending to the performance, although I would admit that Tesla is already at the top. And they always will be – “Forever More.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Missed the leaked Volturi Clip? View it here.”

By Bry Schulz

While Summit successfully removed the 45 second clip from YouTube yesterday, EOnline.com somehow still has it! If you missed out on the YouTube version fear not, they are the same. I'm not sure how E! Online can have this posted on their website, or if it's just because the peeps at Summit don't know it. But we can reap the benefits regardless. Enjoy the Edward-filled clip. Twenty five days left.

This clip is under 50 seconds long and shows more of the Edward/Felix fight we've seen in the official trailer. Also you hear from the three "big deal" Volturi vamps, Aro, Marcus, and Caius. I'm loving the actors who play those villains. What a terrifying bunch of old dudes (well, with the exception of Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius).

http://www.eonline.com/videos/v46659_the-volturi-clan-invades-new-moon.html

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“The Almost almost never was.”

By Bob Zerull

The Almost, a rock band from Clearwater, Florida, is currently on tour with The Used. Their new album entitled “Monster, Monster” comes out November 3rd. Zoiks! Online recently talked with the band’s guitarist, Jay Vilardi, about the band, the new album and the state of the music industry.

Q – How did the band come together?

A - We kind of knew each other from the Florida scene. We had a mutual friend Nate Warshowsky, Paramore’s drum tech (among others)… real known drum tech. Aaron (Gillespie) asked Nate and Nate said call Jay. Aaron called and said, ‘Yeah, I’m starting this band; don’t really have any songs yet.’ I told him I’d think about it, didn’t really give him a definitive yes. A few weeks later he called back up and had a lot better songs and I said, ‘Yes.’ I hired Alex (Aponte), but it broke his band up which really bummed me out. I liked them a lot. A year later, Dusty (Redmon) joined. Kenny (Bozich) was on drums, but Kenny left and got married. Now, we have Joe Musten and we really enjoy playing with him; it’s a lot of fun.

Q - “Monster, Monster” is the band’s follow up to “Southern Weather.” How does the new album differ from the first?

A - The most notable difference is that this was written by the entire band. By the time I came aboard, “Southern Weather” was pretty much done. This album was completely written and recorded by all the dudes in the band. The band’s writing process was different since the guys in the band live in different states. We used the Internet. We have a line six guitar program and we’d send riffs back and forth. When we finally got in the same room we’d weed through piles and piles of files. When we got to the studio we were literally playing the songs as a band for the first time. It was kind of weird.

Q – In regard to your personal writing style, do you need to feel the inspiration or do you like to just hammer out a riff until it works?

A - A little bit of both. Sometimes I’m just not feeling it. Mostly I need to be in the mood. I only play guitar, pretty much, so I kind of feel each guitar has a certain song in it. Sometimes I’ll switch guitars and try to come up with something. I also think certain rooms will help jam out more. Or I’ll hear a certain song and I’ll be angry that I didn’t come up with that song. Not angry in a bad way, but just because the song is so awesome.

Q - As an up and coming band, what is your take on the state of the music industry? Is it harder to establish a band than it was 10 to 15 years ago?

A - No, I think it’s easier because of the Internet. Establishing isn’t the problem. Getting a band signed and supported is tougher. Really getting people to invest and believe in you and not just from the industry side but from a fan’s perspective too. I remember hearing Blink 182 for the first time, they were just called Blink back then. We were skating in a parking lot, we found the cassette in the parking lot that fell out of a friend’s car. That’s how we found out about bands back then. Now you can sit at home, in your office, or in your underwear and listen to the greatest music in the world. Another thing I think has changed is that geographical locations use to have their own unique sounds like the grunge bands that came out of Seattle, or New York punk. Now those sounds are coming from all over. It’s a good example on how the world is shrinking.

Q – You started playing guitar at the age of 12. Who were your influences?

A - I was really into anybody who was good on guitar. I also liked heavy stuff like Suicidal Tendencies, Metallica, Pantera, and, do you know Pennywise? I didn’t even realize they were considered punk. To me it was just heavy. I don’t like to play that stuff so much anymore. I also really like music that’s catchy. Like Metallica, even though they’re heavy those songs stick in your head.

Q – The new album “Monster, Monster” comes out on November 3rd. You guys are on tour now?

A - Right now we’re on tour with The Used until mid-November. After that we’re going to maybe Australia and maybe South Africa. I think Australia definitely. We just want to get as many dates in between now and the end of the year.

For more information on the band, visit their website at: http://www.thealmost.com.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

“Chris Brown could smack Oprah around too.”

By Jason Tanamor

OK, OK, OK, I have to say something about this.

In an article at Billboard.com, titled “Chris Brown Unhappy With Oprah, Has 'No Issues' With Jay-Z,” Chris Brown is apparently unhappy with, you guessed it, hell, you read it, Oprah.

In the article, Brown said, “I don't dis her because I respect what she does for women around the world. But we did so many things together as far as me working for her schools in Africa, that I feel at the time I needed a helping hand, not for my career but as a person, instead of her pointing fingers."

Brown went on to say about Jay-Z, “I have no issues with dude. Honestly, I don't know and I don't think it was him.”

He went on to praise people like Will Smith and Puff Daddy or P. Diddy, not to be confused with John Cougar Mellencamp’s song “Jack & Diane,” which was referred to as a little ditty. "As a young man I needed older black role models to mold me. I didn't need people bashing me or shutting the door on me," he said in the Billboard article. Brown is not saying anything negative about these guys because they can fight back. Or shoot back in some cases.

Luckily he didn’t have OJ Simpson or Ike Turner mold him. Wait... that’s how Brown got in this mess to begin with. It’s no wonder he is unhappy with Oprah. She’s a black woman, who, according to the above statement by Brown himself, does a lot for women around the world. Of course, Brown could always smack her around too.

BAP! BAP! BAP!

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“BREAKING NEWS: New clip from ‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon.’”

By Bry Schulz

Another clip from "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" has been released on the Internet today. This clip is a short one running just 32 seconds long. In it is, of course, more Jacob.

They are promoting him like crazy, aren't they? However, we get to see some good Jacob vs. Edward action in it too which we haven't seen yet. Until this point most of the trailers released on TV and the net have been packed with werewolves and all things Jacob. Here you get to see more action between the vampires and the wolves. Enjoy!

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Kanye West not dead, but still an idiot.”

By Jason Tanamor

I was reading an article, and then another, and then yet another about rapper Kanye West dying in a car accident in Los Angeles. And like other media people, I searched on the Internet (Google is my choice of search engines) and finally saw that the story was false.

According to a story on MTV.com the rapper was alive and kicking, probably wondering who else to interrupt. Because you know that if the rumor was Taylor Swift being in an accident, West would have Tweeted or put out a press release saying that Swift had a good hoax, but Beyonce’s hoax was better and that she should have been the one rumored.

The article on MTV.com said “the rapper is just the latest celebrity to be bitten by fake death rumors, which rapidly spread on Twitter.”

It also goes on to say that “the fake death reports are just the latest to spread like viral wildfire this year, following on the heels of similar rumors about celebrities Jeff Goldblum, Matt Damon, Natalie Portman, Emma Watson, Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne and Miley Cyrus.”

With social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook, what’d you expect? I mean, if people aren’t talking about celebrities nowadays, what’re they talking about? I believe Oscar Wilde said, “There's no such thing as bad publicity." In this case, it’s just that – bad publicity. Or more so, bad taste.

When you start getting families and friends involved, you cross the line. But I think this rumor is the result of West’s conduct on live shows. The most recent being his unscripted stage rant in the middle of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech.

Another example is West’s take about Bush not caring about black people. Notice Chris Tucker’s (who is black) surprised look at the end of the clip.

The good news here is that West is alive so we can look forward to another interruption involving Beyonce having the best (fill in the blank). Now all we need is to start a rumor about the Kardashians.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Some ‘New Moon’ pictures to ease your suffering.”

By Bry Schulz

Alright Twi-Hards, there's only 28 days until “New Moon’s” release. To make your suffering a little easier (for at least today) “Entertainment Weekly” has just added 11 new photos to their “New Moon” movie gallery.

I took a look at these this morning and they are delish. While some of them I've seen before on the official “New Moon” website, a few of them I haven't seen. Take specific note of picture number four, a shirtless Jacob saves Bella from drowning.

I can't list the reasons why that one is good. Picture number eight is another favorite. The picture is of the moment when Bella is at the movies with Jacob and Mike. The awkward moment when Bella realizes both Mike and Jake have their hands out as if they're waiting for some hand holding action.

That part of the book always cracks me up!

Check out the gallery here:

http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20308569_20308128,00.html

I'm excited to see that part made it into the film. We'll see exactly what made it into the film in 28 short days when "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" finally makes it to theaters! I'll keep you posted with all the "New Moon" teasers until then.

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Ramblings of a road comic.”

By BT

Another T'ster! Makes a man feel good. So far I have people on my website, on zoiksonline.com humor magazine and I'm becoming a regular on my "new" favorite sports talk radio station, Hardcoresportsradio.com. Any talk show where the host and callers get to say "fuck" or anything else they want to? Well, muthafucker, you got yourself a new fan! And that fan would be me. Right now, at 3:04 AM, I'm loving life.

I get to work tomorrow, and make money. Money to pay off the tickets so I can get my license reinstated and so I can pay for my $500 in OVERDRAFT Fees. As a matter of fact, if anyone reading this can go and chuck a rock thru a Chase Bank window I swear I'll buy you a gift certificate to McDonald's for two snack wraps and, awe hell, I'll even throw in the three Chocolate Chip cookies. They’re only one dollar. And, get this, I'll pay for it with my Chase Bank Leisure Reward card.

Just for shits and giggles. We as Americans must bond together and bring down these banks, to our level that is. I'm not saying go out and 9/11 these muthafuckers, I'm saying we "ALL" have to stand up and say, "Hell no. We aren’t standin' for this bullshit." You know it's bad when even the government says, "You guys ARE CROOKS! And we should know because we are the biggest crooks on the face of the Earth!"

Basically, that’s what the government does, it protects "us" from "us." That is what laws are for, to protect us from us. Hey look, if we thought you guys would drive sensibly we'd let you guys do it, but you can't so "BAM!!" Speed limit! Hey, you racist, homophobic White people, you can't keep killing minorities and gays for fun - BAM! Hate crimes law! Hey, no minorities at this work place? BAM! Affirmative action!

Thanks government! You know, you guys aren’t really so bad, you guys covered up the Kennedy assassination, and the Martin Luther King assassination, so you do kind of balance yourselves out, and I still think "reparations" should be looked at a little harder. I mean the Native Americans got their money, the Jews, The Japanese Americans, everyone except - man, you talk about a powder keg. Can you imagine if the President had to decide if African-Americans could sue the government for reparations?

Oh, that would be great. But what would we get? Indians got casinos, what would we get, a percentage in KFC, Denny's, and Texaco? And since we built the nation’s capitol we'd get to be part owner of the Washington Redskins. Not a bad idea. The only question? Who has the guts to suggest this? Wayne Brady? Paul Mooney? Ice Cube? Somebody's got to do it. Knowing our luck, you know who would probably do it? FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAV!!" For the love of humanity, let's hope not.

BYLINE:

BT is a comedian who travels all across the country to tell the funny to audiences that come out to see his show. Check his website out for show dates (http://www.btrox.com).

“Trevor Hall performs the song ‘Lime Tree’ on YouTube.”

By Jason Tanamor

Watch Trevor Hall perform his hit song “Lime Tree” live. The recorded version is a duet with pop superstar Colbie Caillat on Hall’s self-titled album.

Check out the interview Zoiks! Online did here:

http://www.zoiksonline.com/2009/09/for-trevor-hall-music-was-something-he.html

Check out the review of Hall’s CD here:

http://www.zoiksonline.com/2009/09/trevor-halls-self-titled-cd-review.html

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Walking through a “Wicked Wonderland” with Lita Ford.” – CD Review.

By Bob Zerull

4 Stars:

It’s been fifteen years since Lita Ford packed up and left the Heavy Metal world to go live with her husband Jim Gillette (from the band Nitro) on a Caribbean Island where they raised their two children. Now that fifteen years has passed, the 51-year-old Lita Ford has thrown her guitar back in the ring with a much heavier, harder and sexier sound with “Wicked Wonderland.”

One of the first lyrics on the new album from the song “Crave” is “the bitch is back.” Is she ever? Her new sound would make Rob Zombie proud. It’s heavy with a nice groove to it. According to Ford’s website, (http://litaxx.tv/lita/bi/) as she’s gotten older, she’s only gotten freakier. This album is the heaviest thing she’s done. Besides the heavy there is also a bluesy sound with some great slide guitar specifically on the song, “Scream.”

Lita is currently out on the road with Queensryche on their “American Soldier Tour.” “Wicked Wonderland” definitely sounds like the type of album that will translate well live. I hope she makes it to my neck of the woods soon. When Lita’s not out on the road or in the studio working on her record, she’s lending her voice to video game “Brutal Legend” along with Jack Black, Ozzy Osbourne and Rob Halford.

But let’s get back to “Wicked Wonderland.”

What’s bad: Growing up with Nirvana and Pearl Jam, I find the lyrics on the new album kind of cheesy almost as if she’s trying too hard. Her website says the lyrics are very real and maybe they translate better live than they do on the album. Her sound is from a different era that I’m not as familiar with, so maybe it’s just me.

What’s good: Musically, the album is as good as any metal album out there right now. The drumming is especially fantastic, but the guitar playing is not too shabby. I also like the two singer idea. It’s very Lacuna Coil-ish and I like it. Lita’s hardcore fans have been waiting for fifteen years for a new album and they are certainly going to love “Wicked Wonderland.”

Check out a sample of each song at Lita Ford’s Amazon page at the link below.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

“BREAKING NEWS: ‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon!’”

By Bry Schulz

Check this out. Exclusive video from "The Twilight Saga: New Moon." - Bella slaps Paul spoiler - from "Entertainment Tonight."

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Countdown to ‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon!’”

By Bry Schulz

I know I'm not alone in my hyper excitement regarding the release of “The Twilight Saga: New Moon!” No, far from it. There are many of us who have been counting the days to this movie for months. But finally the days are dwindling and we are at the milestone of just ONE MONTH left until our Edward hits the big screen. (I'm obviously on Team Edward, recognize!!!) So how can we possibly make it another month? Well I've compiled a bunch of things to keep you busy. There is a lot to navigate through on the Internet and my over-obsessive love for all things Twilight is here to help. Let's get started.

MUST VISIT WEBSITES:

1) Let's start with the most obvious: New Moon – The Movie is the official website for the movie. In it you can check out three different "worlds" - the Cullen's house, the La Push reservation, and the Volturi layer. Each one has a 360 degree view with fun little widgets to click on and learn more about the characters. Of course, there are official trailers and bios on all the actors. It's an ideal place to satiate your Twilight thirst - until you've seen everything to see there and you have to move on. Where to go next? Follow me...

2) If you twitter you can get all the details from the film’s official twitter account – Twilight – Twitter This is straight from Twitter: "A quick clarification on the final run time. 2:10 includes the credits, so the movie part of it runs just over 2 hours. About 2:01."

3) One of my favorite places on the web is the Twilight "superfan" on MSN.com. Her official web address is: http://movies.msn.com/superfans/twilight Read her blogs to see some cool things like her set visit to 'Bella's house' just outside Vancouver. That's right; she's gone to the house reconstructed to look exactly like the house from the first Twilight movie. It's simple but it's also neat to see how much detail the set crew put into this house. It is complete with enormous fake trees out front.

4) Entertainment Weekly is one of the best magazines for information about all things Twilight. They even have an entire web page devoted specifically to Twilight and New Moon. It has photo galleries of the Volturi, photo shoots with Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, plus videos, and even past interviews with the author Stephanie Meyer. Find it all here: http://www.ew.com/ew/package/0,,20308569,00.html

5) If you're not familiar with IMDB you should get familiar. It's a great place to waste time even when you're thinking of things NON-TWILIGHT. Go direct to the “New Moon” page here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1259571/

MAGAZINE PHOTO SHOOTS/GALLERIES:

1) As the movie's release gets closer and closer the cast of the film will be doing a huge amount of press. The joy of that for us are the photo shoots. Here's one of the best photo galleries on the web of Taylor Lautner in GQ Mag. I won't go into detail as to why I love these pics because Taylor Lautner is not legal and I'm almost 30. (Yeah even Team Edward can admit to Jacob's...um... appeal).

2) Kristen Stewart has done a few photo shoots for magazines lately. Here is one for Allure Magazine: http://www.allure.com/magazine/2009/11/kristen_stewart#slide=1 I know there are a lot of K.Stew haters out there but I don't get why. She's awkward and sincere and humble. What's to hate? Oh yeah, she's playing Bella and not YOU!

3) Perez Hilton is fab at keeping us up to date on our Twi-fixes. If you don't check out his website daily and you call yourself a Twilight fan you're missing out on a LOT. Here are a few photos Perez posted of Kellan Lutz (aka Emmett Cullen) from a photo shoot for August Magazine: http://perezhilton.com/2009-10-16-kellan-lutz-just-how-we-like-him Kellan lost me at the shinny red slippers!?!?!

4) Another recent Perez Hilton gem is a few pics of Robert Pattinson. These were taken for the magazine, Series City, and frankly I could (and probably will) stare at these pics all day long: http://perezhilton.com/2009-10-16-your-daily-r-patz-17

5) If you're tired of all the press about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart you can find some relief here: http://bit.ly/U77fW This is a link to see the Self Magazine photo shoot with Kellan Lutz, Ashley Green, & Rachelle Lefevre. All posing in fun fall clothing to which I say "Who cares?" Clothes - Schmothes! Just tell me about how awesome this movie's going to be.

6) And the last photo shoot to check out is actually a video compilation of the photo shoot Kristen Stewart did for Interview Magazine. I have to say I would love to lie around all day in awesome clothes having my picture taken, unless of course it took me away from Robert Pattinson, and then I'd never leave the house: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTqTrOhL01U&feature=player_embedded

RECENT NEWS:

1) It was confirmed recently that Taylor Launter would be attending Spike TV's “Scream Awards” which will air on Tuesday, Oct. 27th. Taylor will be on hand to show new footage from “The Twilight Saga: New Moon.” So set your DVR’s twi-fans, this will be another taste to whet our appetites. Though, I must say I'm awful tired of getting clips of the movie, I'd rather just see the whole thing.

2) If you're hoping to see the Twilight stars up close you might get the chance on Halloween. Several of the movie's stars are planning to host Halloween bashes in Vegas and Atlantic City. Ashley Green and Kellan Lutz will be at the TAO (inside the Venetian) in Las Vegas on Oct. 31st. On the other coast at Harrah's in Atlantic City you could see Edi Gathegi (Laurent), Chaske Spencer (Sam) and Alex Mera (Paul). It looks like Las Vegas will be the best party since Atlantic City has all the lesser known new-bee stars. But it'd be fun to see them too as long as you're willing to brave the huge crowds.

3) The soundtrack to “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” was just released last Friday (Oct. 16th). So if you haven't gotten your CD yet I suggest you make a trip away from your computer long enough to get it. I downloaded mine last night off iTunes and have listened to it all the way through about three times now. It's really good. A little depressing, which shouldn't have surprised me. New Moon is the most depressing of the books. I mean Bella nearly dies of heart break and the music from the movie definitely reflects that. I hope it's a sign of how great the movie will be.

Be sure to check back here for more New Moon goodies. With the movie's release approaching us now we're sure to see more of the stars. I personally can not wait to see all the upcoming interviews with Kristen and Rob. And I wonder what Rachelle Lefevre will have to say about her not returning as Victoria.

If you're still thirsting for more there's plenty to find if you look. The music video for Death Cab for Cutie’s "Meet Me On the Equinox" is out there. People Magazine had a collectors’ edition just for New Moon that went out a few weeks back. If you can find a copy still I'd grab it. Also, check out the countdown clock to the big night! You can find it on every page of this site.

I'll be back with more goodies for your Twi-Fix as the movie gets closer. Heaven knows we'll have more to talk about by November 20th. And I will be attending the midnight showing (as everyone should) so expect an in depth review soon after. Happy web hunting Twi-fans!

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Reno Collier goes on a ‘Great American Road Trip.’”

By Jason Tanamor

“If I weren’t doing this I would be an Indian and sit on a horse on the side of the highway and cry when people littered,” Reno Collier, a stand-up comedian whose performed on stages across the country with the likes of Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy, said.

Collier, who started his career as a Physical Education teacher in the Atlanta area, began his career at a comedy club tending bar. Working this job and having the luxury of watching the comedians and customers who attended shows allowed Collier to build his comedy routine. Now, the comic incorporates everybody he comes across, especially those close to him. “I come up with my material by watching people, mostly those in my family make mistakes,” Collier said. “Most of them are made by me, but anyone’s mistakes are funny. I also love to watch people lose it.”

Working the stage and meeting other comedians has gotten Collier stints at the 2000 HBO Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, Colorado and the 2002 Montreal Comedy Festival. And even though he learned a lot from these experiences, Collier said his best lesson was given to him by another comic. “The best advice I ever got about stand-up was to become friends with the bartender the first night of the week,” Collier said.

The comedian was host of NBC’s “Great American Road Trip,” which premiered July 2009 and one of the stars of “Blue Collar Comedy: The Next Generation.” Collier has also been seen on NBC’s “Late Friday,” “Politically Incorrect,” “The Martin Short Show,” “Comedy Central’s Premium Blend,” and “The List on VH 1.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“If you want to name a mascot, then dream a little dream with me.”

By Jonathan Schlosser

College football is upon us; it’s something that, for many people, pretty much defines the autumn season. USC and Notre Dame. Michigan and Michigan State. Texas and, since last year’s epic battle, at least, Texas Tech. The games are huge. Nothing else could command that much interest on a Saturday afternoon. Nothing else could inspire so many college students to drink so much beer so early in the morning. The Pope could come to Florida before Tebow takes the field, and no one would notice. And those that did, of course, would think he came to see Tebow.

In the spirit of college football, I’m going to take a look at some of the mascots. They’re festive. They’re weird. And some of them are downright horrible. All of them are worth a look, because what a strange tradition they are. Whole student bodies claiming to be things like Buckeyes and WuShocks and Boilermakers and Gunstons.

Do they even know what a Gunston is? Any of them? No, but they’re usually drunk and it doesn’t matter and they all are practically rabid with desire to be Gunstons.

I’ll look at three, here, but this series will continue, as I break down the best and the worst in college sports.

1. The WuShock. This thing is downright amazing. I mean, the name says it all. WuShock. This sounds like a lazy cheer for the Detroit Shock of WNBA fame (if you can call that fame, in the end, though three people total have ever attended any of the games). And it looks like Frankenstein with jaundice, like a yellowish, diseased thing with limp French fries for hair. If I went to Wichita State University, I’d have nightmares about it after every game. How people can buy clothes with this mascot on it, I have no idea.

2. Captain Cane, University of Tulsa. So, from the start, I get this. Captain Cane, as in, a hurricane. Powerful. Destructive. Dominating. This is what a sports mascot ought to be, what every team (save for the St. Louis Cardinals, whose choice of bird is significantly less than threatening) wants to be. Or, at least thinks they can be, if they can ever figure out which direction to go on the field (see: the St. Louis Rams. Special thanks to one city for giving two golden examples of athletic ineptitude). What I don’t get about Captain Cane, though, is what he is. I understand that he’s trying to be a hurricane, but he’s missing it. Instead, he is the Michelin Man. Good for selling tires, maybe, but not winning games.

3. And speaking of St. Louis, check out St. Louis University’s Billiken. It might be a vampire. It might be a deformed elf, Legolas with birth defects. It might be nothing at all. It certainly is scary, which I guess is good for intimidation. What’s even scarier is how they came up with it. According to legend, Ms. Pretz, an art teacher, saw the thing in a dream in 1908 and decided (obviously; I mean, how couldn’t you decide this, really) that it should be the school’s mascot.

People are crazy. That’s the only explanation. People are crazy. The people who come up with these things are pretty bad off, but even worse are the students who rally behind them. I mean, the Billikens? Come on. The WuShock. Yes. That is certainly what I want on my tee-shirt. Better yet, let’s just paint me up to look like one. I can go to the game and cheer and then (seriously, how lucky is this) just walk out on Halloween night and make whole mobs of terrified little children need to change their pants.

I think I’m going to keep a sketchpad near my bed from now on, so that I can draw up all the characters from the strangest of my dreams. I should have patents on at least thirty mascots by this time next year. Look for them at little 1AA schools near you.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

“A chat with Dave Rude from Tesla.”

By Bob Zerull

The last couple years have been amazing in terms of veteran acts and amazing new music. Motley Crue released the hit album “Saints of Los Angeles,” Metallica returned to form with “Death Magnetic” and Guns n’ Roses, well, at least Axl finally released “Chinese Democracy.” In late 2008, we also saw the release of Tesla’s remarkably modern and heavy new effort entitled “Forever More.” It might be the band’s best album yet.

Zoiks! Online recently talked with Tesla’s new guitarist, Dave Rude (The Dave Rude Band) about the new album. Rude also described what it’s like to be the new kid on the block and what it’s like to have found success via MySpace without being named Dane Cook.

Q – How did you get involved with Tesla?

A - I’ve got my own band (The Dave Rude Band) and I sing and play guitar. We have a MySpace page. Frank Hannon (Tesla’s lead guitarist) saw our MySpace profile. He sent me an email. We got together to jam and next thing I knew I was in Tesla.

Q – What was the audition process like?

A - It wasn’t really an audition. I was a fan of their music but I didn’t really know anything about Tesla. I didn’t know they were looking for a guitar player. (Frank) asked me to jam in Sacramento. (He) said they were looking to find a guitar player for Tesla. I learned the new songs jamming on tour with Frank’s solo project.

Q – Were you a fan of Tesla as a child?

A – Yeah, I grew up listening to them. When the acoustic record (“Five Man Acoustic Jam”) came out, I was in middle school. I was a fan from then on. I’ve seen them a handful of times since.

Q – Who else influenced you as a child?

A - Guns n’ Roses’ “Appetite for Destruction” was my favorite record and favorite band. The standards like Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith. I love Jane’s Addiction, The Black Crowes, and U2. My favorite guitarist is Stevie Ray Vaughn.

Q - What made you want to play guitar?

A - I don’t know, I just always wanted to do it. You know what, Michael Jackson, he was probably my first biggest influence. Even though he didn’t play guitar, I just wanted to be a singer. Prince and “Purple Rain” were big when I was little too.

(Photo: Ross Halfin)

Q – How did it feel to go from playing clubs to arenas?

A - It was great. I thought it’d be more drastic than it was. I had always played my music on stage with the attitude that there were ten to 20,000 people there. So I always give my all. Sounds silly but it’s true. There’s more adrenaline, but it’s just cool. To tell you the truth, when you’re on the big stages you can’t see past the first few rows.

Q – How’s it like being the new guy in a band with members fifteen to twenty years older?

A - It’s pretty easy. I like the mellowness of it all. We don’t drink or party. Everybody’s married, so there are no chicks around. The partying gets boring. It’s no fun playing with a hangover. The mellowness is something I definitely enjoy.

Q – What role do you play in the song writing process?

A - We wrote the album together and I got to write some of the parts. We did kind of just get together and jam but really we got together to write with our producer. Then we’d jam on parts in the studio. Almost every song has three to four different writers. I don’t think anybody brought in a whole song without it being modified. Frank brought in “Breaking Free” (the first single), the hook riff and chorus, and I came up with the bridge and added a riff to the chorus. Frank and I do a lot of trade off solos and stuff. The album itself is contemporary with what’s happening right now but it’s still genuine.

Q - Will the Dave Rude Band ever open for Tesla?

A - We haven’t yet. Not sure if we ever will because all the guys in Tesla have other projects. I actually don’t think it’d be a bad idea if we all opened. It could happen. We (The Dave Rude Band) just released a new CD called “Carry Me Home.” We’re currently looking for a label now.

Q – How would you describe the Dave Rude Band’s sound?

A - It’s hard to describe your own music, you know? I’d want to say more modern, but I think the new Tesla album sounds very modern. The way I describe it is Shinedown doing shots with Buckcherry at a Kings of Leon after party.

For all Tesla info including tour dates, videos and more, please visit:
http://www.teslatheband.com.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.