Zoiks! Online - Music. Stand-up. TV. Film. "Funny Name. Seriously Entertaining.": 9/1/09

“Don Jamieson co-hosts a metal show – ‘That Metal Show.’”

By Jason Tanamor

Comedian Don Jamieson was destined to bring a Dunkin’ Donuts to my area – kind of. That’s where he was laid up while a heavy storm passed by, making him a few minutes late for our phone interview back in early June 2009. The co-host of VH-1’s, “That Metal Show,” whose third season premieres October 3rd was quick to apologize, saying that he was stuck inside a Dunkin’ Donuts because of heavy rain. It was then I began my beef of not having a donut store in my town. Hence, the desire to bring one to me.

A few days later, in my local newspaper, the headline, and I am not making this up, read, “Dunkin’ Donuts comes to area.” I emailed Jamieson with the link, thanking him for changing his name in order to buy a franchise in my area. Of course, the basis of the interview had more to do than just donuts.

Click here to listen to the interview:

http://www.mediafire.com/?n1ij2eztygz

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Trevor Hall’s self-titled.” – CD Review.

By Bry Schulz

4 1/2 Stars:

Before I started writing this review I was worried. I was given Trevor Hall’s new self-titled album to listen to and when I looked at the photo of the artist I thought "this is not going to be my thing." Judging only the book by its cover Trevor Hall is a shirtless, tattooed, blond guy who touts spirituality as a major source of inspiration. No, I'm not a spirituality hater it just usually doesn't show up in my music.

What I realized after listening to the album beginning to end was that I can totally dig some spirituality in my music. Once I gave Hall’s music a listen all my preconceived notions melted away. It's got a reggae flavor and definitely has an island feel. I would describe it as great chill music. To a certain extent I get a little Jason Mraz from Trevor. And of course, I also thought of Bob Marley.

To say I was shocked at how much I liked this album is an understatement. I did find myself identifying with much of his music. My favorite song on the album is track 4, "The Lime Tree," which features Colbie Caillat. The song has one of the coolest harmonies I've heard in a long time.

I also loved the song "House" which seems to tell a story of an ancient house. It makes me think of those Japanese water color paintings that tell mystic stories past down for centuries. Another of my favorites is the bonus track "Unity," featuring Matisyahu. Of all the songs on the CD this one makes me think of Bob Marley the most. The message is sweet and gives you hope that someday the world might be a happier place.

Why was I worried that an artist who's spiritual would be too "out there" for me? I don't know. But I'm not going to worry about it again. I love this album. It won't be leaving my car stereo for a while. Overall, the music is absolutely relaxing. Sure, you'd probably get something out of his lyrics if you've traveled to mystic places. You might be inspired spiritually. Or you could just enjoy it for what it is, really good chill music.

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“The Lions win!”

By Jonathan Schlosser

That, if you’re from Detroit - or, really, from anywhere - is something you haven’t heard in a long time. A long, long time. Long enough for it to sound like the beginning of a “Star Wars” movie, with the galaxy far, far away sounding about right considering those opening three words and how many times you heard them last year. Long enough for quite a lot to happen while the winless lions were wallowing around (or, perhaps, taking a long, effortless nap) in sub-mediocrity. Just a few things include these:

Long enough for Russia to invade Georgia and then leave again (if we don’t count the preseason. And, honestly, who does? Maybe Raiders fans. Al Davis probably thinks it’s all the same thing). An entire war, of sorts, fought right in the middle of that streak of nothing that the Lions were accumulating by the weekend.

Long enough for the United States of America to select a new President, and long enough for him to mention that he wants college football playoffs (if he would have run on that platform alone, it would have been an even bigger landslide).

Long enough for a shop downtown in my city to run a deal all year saying “Free Oil Change With A Lions’ Win” and then to give up and have a day of free oil changes when the season expired, to make up for lost time.

It was a forgettable year, let’s say. But now, as of last weekend, we can really forget. We can put it behind us. Because the Lions, against all odds, have beaten the Washington Redskins.

19-1 never felt so good.

Now, for the sake of scope, let’s think about this. The Lions are pitiful. This may not have been David felling Goliath, since the ‘Skins aren’t all that great either, but it is at least David putting a good licking on his older brother. Or, maybe, David beating up his redneck cousin who has been in a lot of bar fights in the past, famous ones, but has recently gotten a bit fat and a bit lazy and a bit hung-over. This is David taking a tiny little step into the world of fighting before he has to take on the real Goliath.

And they didn’t do it by much. They didn’t knock the ‘Skins down with a stone to the forehead and prance around in victory. Until that last throw was out of Campbell’s hand and sitting on the turf, everyone in Michigan was holding their breath, was waiting for this to be the worst loss out of all of them. This was David punching his cousin a few decent times to the face and then running and hiding in the corner and hoping his cousin would fall. Breathing a sigh of relief when he did, then slinking off, knowing it wouldn’t happen again any time soon.

The roar isn’t exactly back in Detroit. There are bigger claws on the logo, but the claws on the team are a kitten’s claws. They are thin fingernails that will probably break off just when it needs them most. It took me a while to think of something to compare them too, something accurate, something that would make them sound successful, to some extent, but not good. That would make them sound victorious, but not powerful. It’s tough. But I thought and I thought and then I got it.

Then Lions are Michael Cera in “Year One” when he punched that girl.

Sure it was a girl, but he sure did look tough doing it.

For one week, the Lions are that tough. They are winners again, despite their losing record, and I hope they’re riding the wave. I hope they’re living it up. I hope they’re figuring out some way to talk Barry Sanders out of retirement.

This year they’re Michael Cera, but at least it’s something. Last year, they were that girl.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

"Esther Ku at Comic Con 2009."

By Jason Tanamor

Fans of comedienne Esther Ku are in for a treat with this hilarious clip from 2009's Comic Con in New York. Check it out from TheActionRoom.com.

For more of Esther Ku, check out the interview Zoiks! Online did with her here:

"Esther Ku's primetime act is more edgy than what 'Last Comic Standing' aired."

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“For Trevor Hall, music was something he loved to do.”

By Jason Tanamor

When you think of rock music with a reggae twist, you pretty much get nothing. That is of course you stumble across Trevor Hall, whose music is a combination of the two. That’s exactly what happened to me. A publicist I work with sent me some CD’s but “coincidentally” added Hall’s new album with the package. I tossed it in my CD player and what I found was an incredible musician.

The review of the CD will come later, but for now, Hall chatted himself up to Zoiks! Online.

Q – Where are you from?

A - I grew up in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.

Q – How long have you been a musician?

A - I have been playing music since I was in a diaper. Literally, my parents have pictures of me banging on the drums when I was two-years-old. However, I really became serious about it around 15 or 16.

Q – What specific reason made you decide to be a musician?

A - There was no point where I said, “I want to be a musician.” Music was just something I always loved to do. Everything happened naturally.

Q – What’s your musical background? Have you taken lessons or are you self-taught?

A - I first taught myself how to play the guitar when I was 12 or 13. I then went to a performing arts school in 10th grade where I formally took lessons in classical guitar.

Q – You almost have a reggae type sound to your music. What musical influences did you have growing up?

A - I was and still am very influenced by Bob Marley. When I first heard him, I fell in love. That opened a whole door to a lot of reggae music like Burning Spear, The Abyssinians, etc. I also was really into Ben Harper and soulful music like that.

Q – How difficult is it touring all the time? Do you ever get sick of it?

A - Like anything, it has its ups and downs, but it is a lot of fun. It is a great blessing to be able to share music with people almost every night.

Q – When you write music, do you have a routine? How do you go about writing songs?

A - I have no routine. I don’t want to think about it at all - just want to let it come through naturally. If I sit down and say “I’m going to write a song right now,” it doesn’t work. Too much thinking is no good.

Q – It appears that your music is very spiritually influenced. What are your spiritual influences?

A - I am spiritually influenced by anyone who lives their lives for others.

Q – How have your influences affected how you play and write music?

A - They help me be enthusiastic about sharing the music with people.

Q – What message do you want to convey to your listeners?

A - I want people to feel uplifted and inspired when hearing the music, but I want them to interpret it however they want. It is up to them.

Q – How hard is it to keep touring and playing music when there are untalented musicians out there who have “made it”?

A - Everything is God’s grace. The Most High puts me where He wants me. My duty is to feed people music.

Q – How do you feel about the reality shows like “American Idol” that promise everything for winning a karaoke contest?

A - They are fun to watch.

Q – What do you wish to get out of your career when it’s all said and done?

A - To feel joy in pleasure in serving others.

Q – Is Kanye West just a nut job?

A - He is a good rapper. :)

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Bob Presman’s financial advice? Buy his comedy.”

By Jason Tanamor

If you’re ever looking for advice in the financial market, ask Bob Presman. If you’re ever looking for a laugh, you can also ask Bob Presman. That’s because, Presman is both. The Financial Advisor/comedian is apparently a right and left brain individual who would love to give people advice, whether it be wrapped up in an IRA or wrapped up in a joke.

Zoiks! Online recently spoke to the comedian about his Clark Kent life as Financial Planner versus his Superhero life as comedian.

Q – OK, let me get this straight. You’re a Financial Advisor who decided to do stand-up? That doesn’t seem like good financial advice. Please explain.

A - My career as a financial advisor and my avocation doing stand-up comedy are completely separate. Actually my success as a financial advisor has enabled me to devote more time to doing stand-up.

Q – I used to do stand-up, but I also have a BA in Accounting and worked as an accountant for a while. Now I do this. But I’ve always believed that making people laugh is the best feeling ever. Being in the finance world you don’t often get a chance to riff with clients like you do as a comedian. Is there a deep down personality of Bob Presman that lived inside you as a child that forced you to go into comedy like there was for me?

A - I also believe that making people laugh is the best feeling ever. I can remember in grade school making up fictitious characters and stories to amuse my classmates. I became a financial advisor in 1992, but before that, I was in radio as a news director and doing play-by-play sports at a station in Rockford, Illinois. Completely by accident, I also ended doing a bit on radio called “Stump Mr. Baseball.” I'm a baseball and sports trivia buff, and listeners would call in to try to stump me with a baseball question. It became a daily comedy bit. Mr. Baseball had his own identity on the air, separate from Bob Presman, News Director. He lived in the nearby town of Chemung and had his own cast of characters. The bit proved to be very popular and even though I haven't done it for more than twenty years, some people in Rockford still refer to me as Mr. Baseball. During this time I was also invited to emcee different events, do roasts of local celebrities and perform for different functions as Mr. Baseball. This seemed to go over very well and I even had some people say I should try stand-up comedy. So yes, there definitely has been that comedic personality that wanted to get out, and now I have that opportunity.

Q – Does your material consist of your day job? What types of things do you talk about in your act?

A - As I mentioned previously, my life as a financial advisor is completely separate from my doing stand-up. It would not be a good idea to mix the two, although some might say the financial industry has been a real joke the past couple of years. My material is from everyday experiences, about life and love and has a theme of the differences between men and women. Pretty much, if the premise is funny to me, I write a bit about it and then try it out at open mikes first, and then may refine or edit it before adding to my full act.

Q – How do you separate your life from a Financial Planner when you’re on stage doing stand-up?

A - I haven't had any problem with people separating my two careers. When you see me at the office, you would never know that I also do stand-up and vice versa.

Q - The two (Finance and Stand-up) are very different in terms of seriousness, especially with the economy the way it is. I mean, do you find people NOT wanting to do business with you because having their money in the hands of a comedian doesn’t seem like a good thing to do? That’s like saying, “Hey Louie Anderson, what’s a good mutual fund?”

A - I think most people realize that everyone has another life away from their job or profession. But I agree, I don't think I'd want to ask Louie Anderson about mutual funds. That would be like electing Al Franken to the United States Senate and asking him to reform health care.

Q - Do you ever get that a-hole in the crowd yelling, “Tell me about the one involving the Series 7 license”? What’s the worst heckler experience you’ve come across?

A - So far, I haven't had any major problems with hecklers. Just a word or two that I've been able to ignore or dismiss with a quick line. Although, I do practice comebacks for these types of situations - because as you know, IT WILL HAPPEN.

Q – Even though the two professions are antitheses of each other, one can argue that with both, you’re “selling” yourself to the audience, whether it is with financial advice or jokes. What do you think about this? And are there similar methods you use in both jobs?

A - That's a good point about selling yourself to the audience. When you're a financial advisor, the most important thing is for your clients to like and trust you. The same things apply to stand-up. A friend of mine who's been doing stand-up for twenty-seven years told me the audience has to like you, referring to your like-ability quotient. If the audience doesn't like you, it makes it much more difficult for your material and delivery to carry the day.

Q – You started doing stand-up when you’ve had a deluge of work experience under your belt. What advice would you give to someone thinking about making a drastic career change like you did?

A - I feel career changes are not only good but absolutely necessary with most people. I already made one drastic change when I went from radio news and sports to becoming a financial advisor. I believe we all need new challenges, otherwise life can become pretty boring. The most important thing is to be doing something you like. Think outside the box and don't discount attempting anything, as long as it's something you want to do. It will be scary. I'm both excited and terrified about doing stand-up. Both of those emotions are what make life worth living. You have to challenge yourself.

Q – How much traveling can you do knowing that you still have a day job to do to? How much time do you dedicate to stand-up versus Financial Planning?

A - So far I haven't had to do much traveling for my stand-up, but I'm fortunate that my schedule is very flexible. I'm part of a team of financial advisors, so there's always someone who can cover for me. Right now, more of my time is spent as a financial advisor but that will gradually change.

Q – Do you want to end your career as a comedian or a Financial Planner? What is your ultimate goal with your life?

A - As my career as a financial advisor winds down over the next few years, I hope my career as a stand-up comic will grow. At some point, I would expect only to be doing stand-up. My ultimate goal as a stand-up comic is to play the Improv at Harrah’s in Las Vegas. If it becomes more than that, so be it.

Q – Anything you wanted to promote, like a website or a tour?

A - There's no tour scheduled right now. But if that changes, I'll let you know. As far as a website, I’m still trying to figure out all those crazy things out there - Facebook, MySpace, etc. In fact, I have a bit in my act all about that topic!

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Ramblings of a road comic.”

By BT

It has happened. I have officially been choked out! That's right, I have officially gone into that dark abyss where you have no idea what has happened but that there has been a void in time that you can't explain. In other words, "What the fuck just happened?"

I was in Jiu-Jitsu class and one minute I'm defending a choke and the next minute I'm looking up at a half dozen stunned faces like, "What the fuck just happened?" And it really is like they tell you - you sleep. They told me I was snoring. Just like I do when I really sleep, or so I'm told.

I laughed it off because it was funny. There's one to chalk up to the record books. I feel like a real man now. Like "yeah, I've been choked out, so what?"

Well enough about my "manly" exploits. I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting through this bad time in my life, the best I can - I'm living!

My attitude is good and that is what's important. Attitude gets you through everything. Attitude! I'm sure Anne Frank had a great attitude right before the Nazis found her out. I kind of wonder if in those last moments, Anne Frank had a thought like, "You guys are fuckin' sick!" But she couldn’t really say it out loud because she's 14 and her parents might scold her, which really would have sucked.

"Anne Frank, you watch your mouth young lady! I swear if we make it out of this concentration camp alive, you are grounded, understand?”

And Anne being the teenager she was says, "Well, joke’s on you momma, we're being executed so th – ‘POW!’”

I know, sick, but funny from my end. Who really knows the last thoughts before someone dies? If only we knew. Hopefully, mine will be something profound like, "At least those kids will live!" Or, “Go! I want you to live.” (KABOOM!!!)

Hopefully it won't be, "I can't believe I'm peeing on myself, I'm so scared," or even worse, "Fuck those kids! I'm outta here!!"

To die a brave man is what I strive to do. Hopefully it'll be in my sleep on an empty stomach because no one wants to find a dead body and say, "He's dead and he shit the bed! FUCK!!"

"We loved you dad, but damnit, you shit the bed and it's hard to love someone who shits the bed! You better have left me a lot of money, you sick dead bastard."

This morbid shit is funny. But alas I have to bid you a farewell, for I have to drive nine hours today.

BYLINE:

BT is a comedian who travels all across the country to tell the funny to audiences that come out to see his show. Check his website out for show dates (http://www.btrox.com).

“Natasha Leggero wants to become the glamour.”

By Jason Tanamor

If you’re a fan of “Chelsea Lately” and “Reno 911,” you may recognize Natasha Leggero. In fact, you may have seen a lot of the actress. That’s because, she has appeared in various TV programs including, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” and “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.” What you may not know is Leggero also is a funny and successful stand-up comedienne.

Zoiks! Online recently chatted with the rising star.

Q – I read that you’re from Rockford, IL. I’m actually based in Moline, IL. No question. Just wanted to say that.

A - Well, Rockford is the city equivalent to that statement.

Q - How did you get involved in stand-up comedy?

A - I was a theater criticism major in college in NY. Going from criticizing Broadway to criticizing Hollywood was an easy transition!

Q – For those who haven’t seen your act, describe it real quick in one sentence.

A - Woody Allen meets Judy Garland.

Q – What was the specific moment that made you feel like you’ve really made the right decision to go into comedy?

A - I was doing an open mike during an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting in the back of a thrift store in Anaheim and I remember thinking- this is the job for me.

Q – Most people think stand-up comedians work one hour a day and then they live it up the rest of the week, when in reality comics spend six days traveling and doing press. It’s really a full week leading up to the shows. How do you prepare for the stuff that fans don’t see?

A - Get up, walk the dog, contemplate the universe and BECOME THE GLAMOUR.

Q – You’ve done a lot of major television shows and film in your short career. I know comics who have been doing stand-up for years and haven’t had near the success as you have in terms of visibility. Is there a secret to your success?

A - My dad is a used car salesman so that probably helped.

(Photo credit: Seth Olenick)

Q – Do you have training in acting or is it something that comedians just want to do with their lives?

A - I went to acting conservatory in NY which taught me how to be a working actor in the 1700's. Also I was a child actor - http://tinyurl.com/lqkgqa

Q – Are you more a comedian or an actress?

A - An adventuress.

Q – You’ve shot pilots for TV and have appeared on numerous shows. If you were ever asked to develop and star in your own sitcom, what would the pitch be for it?

A - I think tableau vivant (living picture) will be making a comeback this year so I would pitch me and my friends re-creating famous works of art and holding them in a freeze frame for the duration of the sitcom.

Q – How much does appearance play in being successful in entertainment?

A – A lot.

Q – Do you think women have it tougher in entertainment than men?

A - I think the whole men vs. women argument is almost over now that men refuse to support us. We've been lazy for centuries - but now men are forcing us to catch up with them in every profession.

Q – I have this vision that all people in Los Angeles are tan and good looking. Is this true? And is this why you got out of Rockford?

A - I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

Q – What’s the best thing about being Natasha Leggero?

A - The glamour!

Q – What’s the worst?

A - Not being able to tap-dance.

Q – What do you have coming up that you want to promote?

A - You can see me regularly on “Chelsea Lately” on E! I am also currently touring the provinces. For tour schedule visit: www.natashaleggero.com.

Q – Last words?

A - This has been a soul-searching experience!

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Girl In A Coma – Trio B.C.” – CD Review.

By Bob Zerull

4 1/2 Stars:

I’m always a little bit hesitant when someone approaches me with a new band to listen to. The same was true with Girl In A Coma. Knowing absolutely nothing about this band I wasn’t expecting much. So I popped Girl In A Coma’s latest album “Trio B.C.” in and was shocked. Within the first three songs I realized that these girls were for real. Their playing was extremely tight. I don’t really know how to describe the band, which is a good thing. I guess if I had to I’d say it’s like Pearl Jam and Nirvana meet the Cranberries? All I know is that the band’s sound is very versatile.

Girl In A Coma (GIAC) hails from the Lone Star State. Best friends’ bassist Jenn Alva and drummer/percussionist Phanie Diaz hooked up in Jr. High. They shared their love for Nirvana, The Smiths and Morrissey, but there was just one problem, they didn’t have a singer. In comes Nina Diaz, Phanie’s little sister, who was just 12 years old at the time. Her voice was so mesmerizing, it blew them away.

Fast forward to 2006, GIAC is playing for Joan Jett as part of a cable TV show for unknown bands. Jett was so impressed with GIAC that she signed the group to her Blackheart Records label and in the next year released the band’s critically acclaimed debut album “Both Before I’m Gone.” GIAC also managed to book gigs opening for Cyndi Lauper, Social Distortion and Morrissey.

The group’s latest effort is “Trio B.C.” named after the Diaz sister’s grandfather’s band back in the 50’s. “Trio B.C.” kicks off with the haunting track “BB.” The song starts off sounding like Nina is singing in a tunnel, but once the chorus hits the band explodes and never slows down until the album ends. The stand out song on the album is the second track “Static Mind.” “Static Mind” is the only song that I could see breaking out into mainstream radio success. That’s not a bad thing either. It just means there is more to their music than what’s getting played on top 40 Radio right now.

Other stand out songs on the album are “In the day,” “Joannie in the City” (featuring Joan Jett), “El Monte” and a cover of the Mexican pop song “Ven Cerca” (the girls’ first Spanish language song). It’s hard to imagine the sound that comes out of these three ladies. GIAC definitely has its stuff together. Whether these girls have a breakout hit or not they will almost certainly develop an underground cult following. My only complaint is that they’re not going to be playing near my hometown anytime soon. This is one coma I would love to check out, and don’t ever want to see end.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

“Manning the planet, one disadvantage at a time.”

By Jonathan Schlosser

I was driving to work the other day, when I heard an ad on the radio. It went like this:

“The state of Michigan has revised the crossbow laws. Need an advantage over a deer? Come to Mega Killer* Archery on Fifty-Four Street and get a crossbow just in time for the season.”

I started laughing right off. It was a Monday morning, there was traffic backed up all through the city because of the road construction, and I was on my way to an awkward job where I’d just put in my two-weeks notice only a few weeks after starting. And still, sitting there in the car, I started laughing.

Do you need an advantage over a deer? An advantage? Here’s your advantage:

YOU’RE A HUMAN BEING.

You have a developed brain. You can communicate at a high level with others of your kind. You have the ability to think and plan and not simply react. You have opposable thumbs. You built the pyramids and landed on the moon.

You invented the Dollar Menu!

Now, of course, what they meant wasn’t that men and women needed an advantage, but that they needed another advantage. A further advantage. That maybe being able to build a small wooden hut where one could sit in warmth even during the winter, drinking Milwaukee’s Best and watching television and maybe taking a nap - maybe having a better day of it than if one had stayed at home, where one would have been shoveling the walk and helping to ‘tidy up’ - wasn’t enough.

Then I thought: is that what they meant? Or, maybe, did they mean that we didn’t have an advantage after all? That we weren’t smarter, as I’d always believed, and that we couldn’t use those opposable thumbs as well as I’d always assumed. Then I thought of the woman who spilled her coffee and sued McDonalds, and I knew it.

I had to find out, for sure, so I turned to Google. This is what it gave me:

Presenting: http://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html

And there I had it. First on the page was a story about people spending one hundred and twenty dollars a month for a prescription medicine to thicken eyelashes. What did that guy say at his class reunion, the guy who invented it? “Why yes, I’ve been busy. You know about Rogaine? That’s just the beginning. Wait ‘til you hear what I’ve been doing.” Or, possibly: “Well, see, I was trying to invent a new brand of cattle steroids, and I decided what the hell, I’ll take one. Yeah, just like that. Popped it in some yogurt and drank the thing down. Hands on research, I call it. Didn’t work on the muscles, but man was the hair a success. What was that? Where did you go? I can’t see through these massive eyelashes. Yes, yes, I know I look like Slash. Yes, I’ll sign an autograph.”

Or, further down the page, a man having sex with his car.

Yes, you read that correctly. Here, I’ll write it again:

Or, further down the page, a man having sex with his car.

Now, this one doesn’t need much explaining. But all I’ll say is he must have been bored. Really bored. I mean, I’d do about 10,704 things before I’d have sex with my car. I’d mow the lawn, I’d sweep the basement, and I’d even wade into the kitchen and get some of those dishes, if not clean, at least into the sink. I’d do things that bored me to tears. I’d do things I hated. I’d do anything at all, first, because I don’t think I could ever be so bored that I couldn’t find something that outranked starting an intimate relationship with my Dodge Caravan.

Heck, I’d watch the WNBA before I’d have sex with my car.

But, you know, some people are just looking to get a little better gas mileage. All I’m saying is, you never know. You never know.

The point is I’m no longer convinced we have the advantage. I’m no longer convinced that Man rules this planet. The only thing I’m convinced of is that natural selection must be the biggest farce of all time, because we would have died out back about the time Tim and Debby Caveman first ventured out of the forest and Tim decided to have sex with the wheel he’d just invented.

*(name changed just in case it would be illegal to use it and I’d be sued and/or tarred and feathered and/or forced to watch all of the Detroit Lions’ football games.)

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

“Jim Florentine is a full-time comedian.”

By Jason Tanamor

Jim Florentine, comedian and one of the hosts of VH1’s “That Metal Show,” always wanted to do stand-up comedy. Going to work in jeans and an AC/DC T-shirt was at the top of the comedian’s list. However, Florentine also likes talking on the phone. Whether it is with a telemarketer in which he is terrorizing or an interviewer, the comedian finds himself ready to go with a phone that is hooked up to a recorder.

Zoiks! Online recently turned the tables on Florentine when he called in for an interview. Click here to listen to the phone conversation:

http://www.mediafire.com/?zmymwmymnmm

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Antigone Rising credits Internet for success.”

By Jason Tanamor

Fans of tragedies may know Antigone as someone who performed funeral rites over her brother's body in defiance of her Uncle Creon. But there isn’t a tragedy with Antigone Rising, the band whose lead singer has something in common with the play’s character. “Our original lead singer played Antigone in the school play, and we also studied the play in an English tragedy class we took together,” said Kristen Henderson, bass player for the all female group. “The founding members of the band all went to college together.”

Aside from Henderson, the band consists of Cathy Henderson, lead guitar and background vocals; Nini Camps, rhythm guitar and lead vocals; and Dena Tauriello, drums. “Two of us are sisters, so it's self explanatory how we met,” Henderson said. “We met Nini and Dena on the NYC circuit.”

This closeness of the group is one of the reasons why Antigone Rising has been successful so far. “The chemistry of the band is the music,” Henderson said. “When the chemistry is off, we're in trouble. Fortunately the chemistry is way on right now!”

Fans of Antigone Rising can see and hear this chemistry through the band’s music and the way their tunes are conceived. “At the end of the day, even a song that's an individual effort goes through a pretty extensive band arrangement process,” Henderson said. “So we all get our hands in the mix.”

This extensive arrangement process reaps its rewards where it counts, on stage, live and in front of audiences. “Our live show has always been the most important thing to us,” Henderson said. “As long as we're playing great shows, we're in business.”

And for Antigone Rising, what’s also important to the group is the fan turnout. “We just want the fans to have a great time at every single show,” Henderson said.

Although the fans keep Antigone rising, the band credits another source where mass audiences come together – the Internet. “The Internet is the only reason we have a career - seriously,” Henderson said. “We've raised money to tour and record through the Internet for 10 years.”

For the future, look for Antigone Rising in your city, or one near yours. According to Henderson, they are “working on a brand new studio album that we're really excited about.” “And we hope to be making a big announcement about that in the coming months,” said Henderson.

Stay tuned… and go to Antigone Rising's website.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Don’t bug me to go camping.”

By Melvin Durai

It may surprise you to hear this, but I’ve never gone camping, never felt the urge to leave the comforts of my home to spend a few days in a tent somewhere. Don’t get me wrong: I like being close to nature. I just don’t like nature getting too close to me.

You never know what you might encounter in nature: mosquitoes, bees, wasps, Al Gore. Actually, I’d be quite pleased to run into the former vice-president in the woods, especially since the mosquitoes would have another place to land.

Mosquitoes can be a pain in the neck, not to mention the arms, legs and other body parts. Bees, wasps, flies and ants can also be annoying. I don’t need insects to bug me. I have three children. And if there’s anything worse than dealing with insects, it’s dealing with children dealing with insects.

My daughter Divya is the worst. She has singlehandedly destroyed any progress made over the last century in human-insect relations. A single fly can produce a high-pitched scream from her, almost as if someone changed the channel in the middle of “Dora.”

My wife, Malathi, doesn’t like flies either. Then again, she has never been too fond of uninvited guests who head straight for her food. Especially when they don’t have the decency to wash up.

If I was a hardcore camper, I wouldn’t complain about the insects. I’d just catch them and have them for dinner. You can’t be picky about what you eat when you’re a real camper. Real campers realize that it’s better to eat an insect than have an insect eat you. Not that I know anything about eating insects. I’ve just read the book “Camping for Idiots,” which includes this important tip: In order to get your recommended daily allowance of protein while camping, you must get used to the idea of sleeping with your mouth open.

The closest I’ve come to camping was staying in a cabin near a Minnesota lake. I spent a few days there with my wife and kids and a dozen flies. We just opened the door and they flew right in, as though they had rented the place themselves and were waiting outside for someone to let them in.

Fly: “It’s about time they opened the door! We spent half our lives waiting.”

Second fly: “I’m hungry! Does anyone know where they keep the trash can?”

We were staying in a cabin, but in some ways, we were really roughing it. We had to endure some extreme conditions. For example, our cable had only 40 channels. And we didn’t have a DVD player. Talk about a primitive existence!

The cabin did have an oven and microwave, but to get the camping experience, we didn’t do all our cooking there. Malathi started a fire outside, and I wore a loincloth and headed to the woods to hunt for boar.

Actually, we picked up some meat and veggies at a nearby grocery store. Malathi cut them in pieces, put them on skewers, and roasted them in the fire. For at least an hour, we felt like real campers.

Then we went inside and ordered pizza.

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com.

“Girl In A Coma is just as good as any dude band.”

By Jason Tanamor

Fans of The Smiths are in for a treat with the band, Girl In A Coma. The all girl rock band, which hails from San Antonio, Texas, was inspired by the English alternative band when coming up with the group’s name. “The name comes from ‘Girlfriend in a Coma,’ a song from The Smiths. We wanted to pay homage to the band,” Jenn Alva said. With vocals, courtesy of front woman Nina Diaz, being compared to greats such as Patsy Cline and Morrissey, it is only a matter of time the band will break out and hit it big.

Zoiks! Online recently had the pleasure of speaking with Alva, bass player of the indie rock band.

Q – OK so who are the members?

A - Nina Diaz - Vocals and Guitar, Phanie Diaz - Drums, Jenn Alva- Bass

Q – Girl In A Coma consists of band members who have known each other for years. How much does the chemistry of the band affect the music?

A - Our relationship with each other is strong. Phanie and Nina are sisters, so that already is an advantage. The way it affects the music is that we are able to communicate when we write songs. It also shows up on stage. With good communication we are able to compromise and continue to do what we love – which is playing live.

Q – When writing songs, is it a band effort or individual effort that gets assembled by the band?

A - Nina starts it by writing the song, I’ll come in and write the bass lines, and Phanie adds drums.

Q – Have there been any disagreements when writing songs?

A - No, if anything it is just the arrangement or length. We are usually satisfied with everyone’s input.

Q – What do you want fans to take away with them when leaving a Girl In A Coma concert?

A - We want them all to have had the best time and hopefully they come back to see us play again. We want them to have the feeling Phanie and I used to get when we would see a local band or traveling act coming through San Antonio.

Babes in Toyland, L7, and The Toadies did that to us. We left reminiscing about each part of the show. We both couldn't wait to see them live again.

Q – Back in the day, when the Internet wasn’t around, bands relied on airplay and touring to get notoriety. How much of the online landscape has helped the band gain recognition?

A - The Internet has increased word of mouth and fans are able to enjoy our videos, and fans’ videos due to YouTube. They are able to keep up with us through Twitter. There are many pros about the Internet and of course, the cons of illegal downloading, which really blow my mind. It just doesn't seem like a priority to stop these sites that make them easily available. I think it should be up to the artist if they wish to give away a song, the whole album, whatever. The fact that the artist has absolutely no control over it is injustice.

Q – What’s the mindset of the band in terms of gaining more visibility to a wider group of people? How do you go about doing this?

A - Well of course, the more fans the better. We aim for no specific type of person. Anyone who chooses to enjoy our music is wonderful in our eyes. We have accumulated fans by the help of the Internet and the old fashion way of touring the states like crazy, which we will continue to do.

Q – How difficult is it to be women rockers in this business?

A - It’s hard but we tend not to care sometimes. We do what we want and we know we are just as good as any dude band. Sometimes we are in our own little world. Our shows are growing and all that matters when we play is us and the fans. If we happen to inspire other females that is a bonus to us.

Q – Do you think there is an unfair misconception about female rock bands?

A - Of course, it's all there, “Females can't play,” and “All girl groups sound the same.” To me it’s such an old fashioned way of thinking. Even the double standard plays its role in these ignorant thoughts. The girls and I say if you are going to make judgments like that on us, well they don't have to be a fan of ours.

Q – Is there a current tour or album you want to promote?

A - We just released our second album “Trio B.C.” this summer and have two videos online for the songs “Static Mind,” and “El Monte.” There is another national tour in the works at the end of September through early November. I think Myspace.com/girlsinacoma (even though it is somehow out of date to use) is still the best way to see our up and coming tour dates. Along with Girlinacoma.com, Facebook.com/girlinacoma, and of course Twitter.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Songs that make you go WTF?”

By Bry Schulz

Have you ever realized that the lyrics to the song you're listening to are totally whack? Seriously, you've heard the tune before but the point of the song finally hits you. You think, ‘I've been listening to [insert song here] for years but what IS this even about?’

Well it's about a lot of things, none of which make any sense. Songs generally don't have a real solid message. Most just rhyme and are cutesy. I mean take that song by REM – “End Of The World As We Know It.” Sure the chorus repeats and has a point but the verses in between are just gibberish that happen to rhyme. Now don't get me wrong, that song is fantastic and all (actually I don't care for it but I don't want to make Michael Stipe angry as he looks like the Death Dealer). And that's only one example.

Please allow me to enlighten you with more lyrical genius.

Exhibit #1: "She's weighin' but I know she's a loser. How do you know? Me and the crew used to do her." - “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe.

The "crew used to do her"! Did you know that? How big is the crew? Well I guess it's at least three guys. (BBD = 3) She sure as heck could be poison! She's probably got a good case of crabs at the very least.

Exhibit #2: "I'm on a bus on a psychedelic trip. Reading murder books tryin' to stay hip. I'm thinkin' of you you're out there so... Say your prayers." - “Eyes Without A Face” by Billy Idol.

If I were Billy's lady friend I might be a little worried that he's reading murder books and thinking of me. And telling me to say my prayers. I don't think it's because Billy wants me to find Jesus. I think Billy might be coming up with clever ways to dispose of the body.

Exhibit #3: "I brought back to the hood and all you ever did was take away. I pray for patience but they make me want to melt their face away." – “Live Your Life” by T.I.

YES! FACE MELTING! That sounds totally insane. The day I realized that's what he said I was running and I nearly tripped due to my fit of joyous laughter. Rappers no longer participate in gun wars my friends. They're into chemical warfare now. Do not mess with the rappers. They've gone medieval!

Exhibit #4: "Hangnail, hangnail, hangnail, hangnail. Have you ever seen a man with a hangnail?" – “Hangnail” by James Taylor.

The lyrics to this song are not as surprising as some of the others on this list. The song is CALLED “Hangnail” so going in you already know it's going to be about hangnails. I just find it amazing someone would sing about hangnails. And to answer your questions James, Yes. I'm sure I have seen a man with a hangnail. But I haven't been fortunate enough in my life yet to have one point it out. A girl can dream though. (I'm crossing my hangnail free fingers).

Exhibit #5: "Havin' my baby. What a lovely way of sayin' what you're thinkin' of me. I can see it, your face is glowin'. I can see in your eyes and I'm happy you know it. You're havin' my baby." – You’re Having My Baby” by Paul Anka.

This is the craziest of my exhibits. You may not have heard this song if you're not over 35 years old. I only know of this P.O.S. song because I'm forced to listen to the 70's at work and they play it once a damn day. As you can see from the lyrics this song's a doozy. The man sings about this woman who's pregnant (and we assume it is his, this is the 70's after all).

Several things go through my mind when I hear this song.

First: having a man’s baby is NOT the way to show that you're thinking of him. I'm a mother and have been pregnant and I can promise you I didn't get in that position because I wanted my husband to know I WAS THINKING OF HIM! How ridiculous. If I want him to know I'm thinking of him I send him a kinky email or I buy the kind of ice cream HE likes. I don't get PREGNANT.

Second: this woman sounds like she's been tied to a chair in a room somewhere. Frankly the whole song creeps the shit out of me. When this song comes on I pray to God whoever this poor kidnapped woman is that she has Stockholm Syndrome.

The moral to this tale is that a song doesn't have to be meaningful to be a hit. Hell, it doesn't have to even make sense. You can slur your words in a drunken stupor and turn out a billboard top 100 jam. "Ina gadda da vida honey, don't you know that I love you." (oldie by Iron Butterfly) The lead singer meant to say "In the garden of Eden" but was too drunk/high to enunciate. That song is their one hit. Amazing. It kind of makes you think we as humans are freaking stupid or something.

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Suzie Cocktail is ready to expose herself to audiences.”

By Jason Tanamor

If you’re looking for something fun (and sexy) on the Internet, check out Suzie Cocktail. She’s the star of her own web series, “A Perfect Girl for a Perfect World.” The series revolves around spirituality, as well as sexuality, not to mention a lot of Suzie Cocktail in very little clothing. Zoiks! Online recently had the pleasure of speaking with the online personality.

Q – Where did you come up with this persona?

A - I didn't come up it with myself. I grew up in Brooklyn with an orthodox Jewish family and at one point in my life, I realized I'm different than anyone else. That's when I realized that I'm enlightened.

Q – What’s your real name and where did you come from?

A - My real name is Suzie Cohen, and I'm from East New York, Brooklyn.

Q – Why did you decide to do this?

A - I take helping people very seriously and when Carrot Jelly entertainment approached me to be the star of its flagship web series, I was very flattered, but insistent to help other people heal.

Q – Watching some of the videos of you, I kind of get a hint that there is some “Borat” influence behind what you’re doing. Where did you come up with the ideas for your videos?

A - Borat is a cutie putie no doubt about it but most of my ideas I channel while I'm playing with my carrot.

Q – Exactly what do you want viewers to away from this?

A - The principles of ethics, self-awareness, loving yourself and healing the ozone through green consciousness. People need to learn how to connect to themselves and get green in their soul.

Q – You want viewers to be taught a lesson in each video. What credentials do you bring to make you qualified to “teach” people anything?

A - After graduating high school, I put myself through a rigorous program. I locked myself in my room in my parents’ house for two years and taught myself self-healing. This is a great technique because no one can interfere with your healing process. Also my cutie putie healer Dr. Jacob Horsepower is teaching me stuff all the time.

Q – Do you think you’ll be a star or just another Internet personality who will eventually get lost with the “Numa Numa” kid?

A - To be perfectly honest, as a master guru, I would like to heal President Obama, although I think he is a cutie putie as he is, but my mission is to be the guru of the world. So you can't compare me to any personality, its more like a new movement where everyone needs to heal together, and as a master guru, I'm supposed to heal the world.

Q – What makes you so attractive to viewers?

A - I think people sense my radiant aura.

Q – What do you say to critics who don’t “get” what you’re trying to do with your humor?

A - They resist because they know that demons are inside them and they just need to heal in order to sense the magic of life.

Q – A lot of times personalities don’t touch audiences because they are not believable. You say that your father was addicted to porn and that you are a virgin. Is there a lot of truth to your upbringing?

A - Of course, and I'm brave and fearless and I'm ready to expose myself to my audience.

Q – Anything else?

A - Hi cutie putie, get your carrots and join me at SuzieCocktail.com. Sending you light. Love you all!

Q – Thank you much!

A - You are very, very welcome cutie putie!

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Naked guitar guy, Wynn Reichert, is just a guy with a guitar.”

By Jason Tanamor

Wynn Reichert wasn’t supposed to be a stand-up comedian. It came into his life when he was auditioning for a sitcom and the casting director asked if he did stand-up. “I was like, ‘No, I didn't know I was supposed to,’” Reichert said. “I was so focused on being an actor, doing stand-up never crossed my mind. But I guess if you get enough people saying the same thing, you start to listen.”

Born in Peoria, IL but raised in California, the comedian, also known as “The Naked Guitar Guy,” currently makes his home in Nashville. “I was doing some new promo shots, messing around when I said to the photographer, ‘hey, I got an idea.’ Then I stripped down and she started snapping. We came up with some really great, funny pictures,” said Reichert.

Hence, the naked guitar guy moniker.

Although his nickname suggests a naked guitar player, his act doesn’t, much to the disappointment of some. “I've had people call the clubs wanting to know if I do in fact get naked. Had one lady actually get mad and want her money back after a show when I didn't drop my drawers,” Reichert said. “I guess she thought I was doing a Chippendale’s show. Amazing what alcohol can do when it falls into the wrong hands.”

Instead, his act can be compared to “Barney Fife with a guitar.” His material, self-depreciating similar to the late Rodney Dangerfield and fearless like Don Rickles, Reichert’s main influence is the late Johnny Carson. “I grew up watching the ‘Tonight Show.’ Had an actor friend back in the 80's who worked part time at NBC so I was able to go to the ‘Tonight Show’ and hang out backstage,” said Reichert. “Johnny Carson was the king.”

Reichert, even though he is a successful comedian, would eventually like to make his mark on screen. “If I ever get the opportunity, I’d love to have the opportunity to work in films that are Oscar caliber,” Reichert said. “Would love to be in that rarified air and get nominated for my work. I’d love to be in a sitcom that runs for years. Love to have an opportunity to act in great projects and do stand-up in between.”

So far, people may have seen Reichert in country music star Sara Evans’ “Suds in the Bucket” video, where he played the preacher. “It was a #1 CMT video. They did an article on the video in Country Weekly, May (2004), and had a picture of me with Sara Evans,” Reichert said.

With credits involving a Sara Evans video and a movie filmed in China, Reichert still finds time to tour the clubs. His live CD can be found at www.nakedguitarguy.com.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“If you don’t know what to name your child, ask Carol.”

By Jonathan Schlosser

I work at a library, so I get to notice a lot of little trends in what people are interested in and what people aren’t interested in (those ones are harder to see, of course, but one must just look for where the dust is thickest - books about Nickelback’s contributions to modern music, for example - and that’s what people don’t care about). One of the things I have noticed people reading, strangely enough, are books on baby names.

Now, the first thing I thought was this: shouldn’t they be books on “human” names? I mean, are there names out there that people can outgrow, names that you should only give to children in the hopes that they don’t make it through to adulthood? Or are there more books, in some other library, called “Adult Names”? And that leads to this question: is someone out there going around and trying to name full-grown adults? Or, perhaps there is a colony of people somewhere who don’t name themselves until after they’ve achieved the heroic feats of surviving acne and having your voice crack.

I’m not sure what is going on, but people are interested in these books. The covers are white and pink (suggesting again that the babies being named might come to hate their parents as they age, or at least to consider following in the ever-wise footsteps of Chad Johnson – I mean, Chad Ochocinco). They come in and out of the library more than anything Hemingway or Vonnegut ever wrote, which is another travesty that probably deserves its own column and which I won’t go into here. So, since I’m naturally curious and prone to doing things that don’t involve getting my work done, I decided to check some of these books out.

The books I looked at were “20,001 Names for Baby”, by Carol McD. Wallace, and “The Penguin Classic Baby Name Book,” also by Carol McD. Wallace, who apparently has had quite a few children. Here are just a few of the names I found:

1. Giacomo - this sounds like a sort of mold, or maybe a bacterial infection. “You have a lot of Giacomo in your system, sir; you’re going to be pretty sick for the next month unless you take a lot of these large green pills. Oh, no. They don’t go in through the mouth, sir. Sorry.”
2. Azuba - this sounds suspiciously like the sound a large, wooly creature would make. Perhaps a creature with tusks and a trunk. Now, I’m not saying that’s for sure. I haven’t been around any that I’ve heard having casual conversation with each other. But the first thing that came into my mind was that sort of creature, standing on a mountaintop, trumpeting off what could only be a mating call.
3. Narda - sorry, but there is no way that kid is going to spend any time in school without being called “Nards” on a regular basis. Now, perhaps that was only slang for a certain part of the male anatomy where I was growing up, but I’d still say it’s best to avoid it just in case.
4. Melpomene - this sounds like one of two things: a gas that has yet to appear on the Periodic Table because scientists can’t heat anything up to sufficient temperatures to create it, or a household cleaner. Or, maybe, a gas that can be made into a household cleaner and used to keep the sink and toilet bowl shining and white.
5. Grifone - this is actually a rip-off iPhone that you can buy at K-Mart, as long as you’re ready to never have service and to have every one of the apps be endorsed by Martha Stewart.

So that’s what people are after, I suppose. Names for their children that can probably get those children kicked off the football team or the cheerleading squad and right into the Chess Club. Which, you know isn’t all that bad. Because the kids in the Chess Club will probably grow up to invent teleportation. But it’s sort of bad. Because those same kids will also spend a lot of very hungry afternoons watching the guys from the football team eat their lunches.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email: jon.j.schlosser@gmail.com.

“Pat Benatar hits you with her best shot.” – Concert Review.

(Waterfront Convention Center, Bettendorf, IA)

By Jason Tanamor

Multi talented Pat Benatar hit the Waterfront Convention Center on September 3, 2009 with her best shot, and then she kept on hitting. The sold out show, some 1,500 people, ranged from twenty something’s to, in some cases, 60 something’s. With hits from her vast body of work, including the aforementioned “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” “Heartbreaker,” “Love is a Battlefied,” and “We Belong,” the musician belted out the vocals as if she were giving her last show.

Benatar started out the concert with the song, “All Fired Up.” And from there, she never let down. For being in the business for 30 years (she is actually celebrating 30 years in music), the musician’s vocals were dead on from when she first came onto the scene. The graspy sound and occasional rock goddess screams made for an exciting and rocking evening.

Her partner in crime, the uber talented Neil Giraldo, whom Benatar married back in 1982 (Giraldo joined Benatar’s band in 1979), was by the legend’s side the entire night. Giraldo, who Benatar quoted as “husband/producer/guitar player/co-writer/life partner...” is credited with writing some of Benatar’s smash hits, including the popular, “We Live For Love.”

During the 1 ½ hour performance, Benatar showed why she was still a force to be reckoned with. Having been in the business since the 1970’s, the musician dazzled the crowd with her music, and wowed them with her on stage performance, including breaking out the occasional dance moves you would see in her videos. For someone who doesn’t know a lot about Pat Benatar musically, I was pleasantly surprised with how much of the music and how many songs I had actually heard. In fact, of the entire set, there was only one song I hadn’t heard before.

What I loved about the show, in between each song, Benatar and sometimes Giraldo, gave a brief history on the band and the origination and inspiration of each song. They played songs from each era, which reinforces exactly how successful the musician has been, commenting that her video was the second one aired ever on MTV.

Fans could easily compare Pat Benatar’s body of work with Stevie Nicks, Joan Jett, and Annie Lennox. The hits keep coming and coming, a true testament of the talent and dedication Benatar exerts.

Benatar and Giraldo have toured every year since 1995. From the performance and from Benatar/Giraldo’s successful off stage life, it wasn’t a surprise the rocker and her band hit on all marks. The years together touring showed the Waterfront Convention Center that Pat Benatar is not only a living legend, but also a class act performer. If you ever get a chance to see this rocker live, I highly recommend it.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Ramblings of a road comic.”

By BT

Well, well, well, "The Greatest Weekend of My Life" is now over and "The Greatest Week of My life Begins." Why was it the greatest weekend?

Well, anybody that knows me knows that I love motorcycles and motorcycle racing and this weekend was MOTOGP - the "Elite Class" for motorcycle racing. The NFL of motorcycle racing whereas the other forms of motorcycle racing are like Canadian Football - it's still Football, but it's only half as good.

Anyway, I basically took the week off of everything and dorked it up by taking pictures with actual racers and acting like a dork. I've never been cool to begin with, but this week? I think I even outdid myself! I'd be talking to people like, "Yeah, I ride, I have a… Oh my God! That's Valentino Rossi, I think I'm gonna faint!"

Like That? Yeah, like that. By the way, Valentino Rossi - although he wrecked Sunday - is the greatest racer ever! I'm going to name my first kid Valentino Rossi. And if it's a girl, then Valentina Rossi. That does have a nice ring to it. And for a black girl? Come on now?

You ever see someone do something with such a passion and with such greatness that they look like they were made to do it. Like watching Michael Jordan play basketball or Jenna Jameson in a porno. You just sit back and say, "WOW!! They were made to do that.” The same goes for Valentino Rossi. Even motorcycle racers agree he's the greatest and that's saying something. Again, it's like watching Jenna Jameson in porn and you say to yourself, "Wow, I thought I gave a nice hummer, but this woman makes it look like a work of art."

As for this week, I'm going back home to Oklahoma, where I'll see my family and work. You can't beat that. See my family and get paid for it? Life is sooooooooo beautiful sometimes, isn't it? Motorcycle racing to be followed by the start of football season with family and work. It's like finding a one hundred dollar bill on the floor of a strip club as you're walking out. You kind of feel guilty, but not really.

So, let the good times roll.

BYLINE:

BT is a comedian who travels all across the country to tell the funny to audiences that come out to see his show. Check his website out for show dates (http://www.btrox.com).

“Before stand-up, Dale Jones was Joe Diesel Brake Factory.”

By Jason Tanamor

One of the standouts in the NBC series, “Last Comic Standing” was Dale Jones, a Nashville kid who used a lot of his physical abilities to make people laugh. And although he did not win the contest, audiences remembered his impersonation of Wile E. Coyote to which he used the microphone as a bomb trying to catch the Road Runner. “Last Comic was a great experience and I hope I get a chance to be on the show again. It boosted my career and fan base,” Jones said. “The fans are the best part for me, without them I'd be working at a gas station and yelling smart ass remarks over the loudspeaker. I hope they know how much I appreciate all their support.”

The TV series, which launches comedians’ careers by virtually out-joking their opponents, has made numerous stand-ups famous, comics like Josh Blue, Jon Reep, and Alonzo Bodden, to name a few. So just being on the show did wonders for Jones. “I do wish I had been on the show longer, but doesn't every comic? I honestly feel blessed to have made it into the top 30,” said Jones. “I was hoping they would let the comics who didn't make it in the house do yard work and chores outside. Mowing, painting, bringing the mail in everyday. That would have been hilarious.”

But they didn’t, and as far as the comedian knew, there wasn’t any “special” treatment going on behind the scenes, like allowing Esther Ku to wash windows. “All I know is that the coffee backstage was horrible and I didn't get to keep my can of Play-Doh,” Jones said.

Nonetheless, LCS gave Jones a venue where he could showcase his material, material that’s self-described as “full of one-liners, insane stories, facial expressions, voices I've created in my head, and it's extremely physical.”

“I throw the kitchen sink and everything out there,” Jones said. He said, “That way if you don't get the joke, you can say, ‘Well, at least he looks stupid.’”

But don’t get the comedian wrong, looking “stupid” has come a long way since he first began doing stand-up. “I was dared by my co-workers. I did it. I sucked. I worked harder. I sucked less,” Jones said. “Comedy has always been my safety net. Back in high school, if the jocks were laughing, my underwear didn't go over my head that day.”

Now, Jones has a fairly sized following, unlike his last job, where he was nothing to quote unquote laugh at. “I worked in a factory that made diesel brakes, just your average joe,” Jones said. “Joe Diesel Brake Factory, no relation to Joe Plumber.”

And thus far, Jones sucks even less from that first day on stage. For those who are interested in doing stand-up, he offers this advice. “Go to an open mike and watch. Go to a professional show and watch. Ask questions. Write everyday. Don't try your jokes on your family and friends,” said Jones. “Then sign up for an open mike night and take the plunge. Oh yea, and don't get drunk before you go on stage. You're gonna need your brain to help you remember not to pee your pants.”

Visit Dale Jones on the web at: www.dalejonescomic.com. Harass Dale Jones at: www.myspace.com/dalejonescomic.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Rob Zombie’s ‘Halloween 2.’” – Movie Review

By Bob Zerull

4 Stars:

I was a casual White Zombie fan growing up. By casual I mean I knew the songs on the radio. It wasn’t until I saw “The Devil’s Rejects” that I became an all out Rob Zombie fan. In my mind “The Devil’s Rejects” is a masterpiece. It’s not really a horror movie, it’s more of a western, but it’s as disturbing as any movie I’ve seen. He followed “The Devil’s Rejects” with a remake of John Carpenter’s “Halloween.” This was a very under appreciated re-imaging.

Did “Halloween” really need to be remade? Probably not. Zombie tried to anyway and he definitely reinvented the series. I really enjoyed the first movie. In fact, most of the negative reviews that I had read spent too much time comparing Zombie’s version to Carpenter’s, which is unfair. Prior to seeing Zombie’s “Halloween 2” I had read three negative reviews, all of which mentioning that “Halloween 2” would have been a good movie if it wasn’t called “Halloween.” How ridiculous is that? It’s either a good movie or it’s not, but what do I know, I’m just a fan.

“Halloween 2” kicks off right where the last one ended. Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) had just shot and presumably killed Michael Myers (Tyler Mane). The authorities are transporting Myers’ body when the driver hits a cow in the middle of the road. Both authorities are injured. It turns out that Myers wasn’t dead after all. Myers finishes off the two guys that are transporting him to the morgue and goes and heads off into the wilderness.

We fast forward a year to Laurie having a nightmare about Myers. This is a regular occurrence. Since Laurie’s family died in the first one, she moves in with Annie Brackett (Danielle Harris) and her father Sheriff Brackett (Brad Dourif). All three characters are changed from the tragedies of the last movie. Laurie went from conservative babysitter to grungy party girl while Annie went from the slutty party girl to conservative mother figure. Sheriff Brackett has become way too over protective. He’s hiding a secret from Laurie.

Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) has written a book about the events from the first movie and is cashing in big time, even appearing on a Jimmy Kimmel-type program with Weird Al as the other guest. In his book, Loomis reveals that Laurie Strode is actually the sister of Michael Myers, which turns Laurie’s world upside down.

While all this is going on Michael Myers is living in the wilderness. He’s grown a beard that would make ZZ Top proud - yes we get to see Michael without the mask on. Michael is being haunted with dreams of his dead mother (Sheri Moon Zombie) and a younger version of himself. In the dreams his mother keeps telling him to bring Angel home (Angel is Laurie Strode’s real name). Laurie is having the exact same dreams as Michael. Michael makes his way back to Haddonfield, IL on Halloween night to capture Laurie while killing everyone he meets in a brutal fashion.

What I really like about “The Devil’s Rejects” and even the first “Halloween” is the realism. Zombie manages to humanize Myers which makes him scarier than a monster. The same holds true for the sequel. Zombie’s Myers is so much more brutal than from the original series. The kills aren’t overly creative, they’re just intense. Myers grunts with each stab which would have been off limits in any of the other “Halloween” movies.

When I say that Zombie’s version of Michael Myers is more real than the other versions, I’m saying that he’s not just a monster like Jason or Freddy. He’s more like Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson, however Michael Myers is still an iconic character so Zombie’s hands are somewhat tied which makes certain things about his movie unrealistic. That inconsistency is really the only real complaint I have with the movie.

What’s good? Zombie had free reign with this movie. The first movie was a little bit his and a little bit Carpenter’s. The sequel is all his. This is nothing like any of the other “Halloween” movies. The kills are very realistic so much so that I wouldn’t even really classify this as a typical slasher movie. A slasher movie is all about the creative kill, but this was more about people being damaged after a tragedy and how they handle themselves.

I thought Zombie wrote the tweenage girls well. I’ve read a few reviews that bad mouthed his dialogue saying the girls were annoying. My response is that tweenage girls are annoying. I thought he nailed them. I didn’t really care for them and I’m not sure I was supposed to care for them. Brad Dourif as Sheriff Brackett was phenomenal. I also really enjoyed the ending. There are really two endings, the first ending I will actually elaborate more on in my “what’s bad” section, but the second ending was really creepy and brought all the crazy dream sequences full circle.

What’s bad? The movie feels somewhat rushed. Zombie crammed a lot into this movie and sometimes it just jumps. Like the scene where Laurie finds out she’s Myers’ sister. At first she’s balling uncontrollably and then the very next scene she’s ready to go party. I have no doubt that her emotions could make that switch, but it just switched so fast it kind of threw me off. The ending with Dr. Loomis just really came out of nowhere as well. I like what happens but he just kind of shows up. I would have liked it a lot more if Zombie had taken his time developing how Loomis would make his way there. Sorry for being vague but I don’t want to give away the ending.

I like this movie. It’s definitely lingering around in my head. I am having a hard time deciding if this is a great movie or just an ok movie. “The Devil’s Rejects” is still his best, but I don’t know how he could ever top that. Rob Zombie has just signed on to direct a remake of “The Blob.” I’m sure he’ll have an interesting take on that.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com.