“Google me this.”

By Jason Tanamor

I was on the Internet Googling random things and I stumbled across one of the greatest features the Internet had to offer. And that is the Google satellite images you can look at.

You can pretty much look at anything on Earth from the luxury of a satellite high above the Earth’s atmosphere. And when I found this fact out, I was like, “Fuckin’ A!” Just put an address in and you can zoom in to see your house, your work, your car, the guy breaking into your car, wait!

Because that’s what I would use this feature for. With me being paranoid and neurotic, I can now physically look down on my house to see if there are any burglars on my roof. “Hey look, there’s my Frisbee.” It’s a delight I tell you.

I once saw Ray Romano tell an interviewer, and I’m paraphrasing here, that he was so paranoid and insecure that, when he first got into the business, he thought everybody hated him. Now, years later, being successful, he thinks that his limo driver hates him. Wouldn’t that be funny? Seeing Ray Romano on Google looking at his house and saying, “No, no, no, Debra. That’s mine, not Robert’s. Oh c’mon, Debra!”

Well, not really.

I only wish I had this feature growing up. Because the one thing I would do is debunk this damn Santa Claus myth. When I younger, my parents would wrap extra presents and put Santa Claus’ name on them. What they didn’t think about was the fact that Santa Claus and my mother had the exact same handwriting. When I pointed this out, not only did my parents change the handwriting, they changed the marker color AND wrapping paper. It was a chore for them. The sad thing was, I knew Santa Claus didn’t exist because I was Jewish – no, no, no, I’m kidding.

I knew he didn’t exist because I Googled him. Mind you, I believed Santa Claus was real until I reached my early twenties. What I found startled me. Clicking on the IMAGES link, I saw different people dressed up as Santa Claus. To a kid, and a mid-twenty year old, there was only one Santa.

Now, there’s no way a child can believe in Santa. With Google satellite, millions of kids around the world will be up on Christmas Eve, logged on to Google, and watching their house, their neighborhood, their blocks, and their cities, for reindeer. Of course, I’ll be up with them, just in case, to make sure he DOESN’T exist.

“Hey look, there’s my Frisbee.”


Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

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