By Jason Tanamor
Mr. Methane, the world’s greatest farter, stopped by to gas it up with me. And although I could cut into some obvious puns here, I’m not going to. But let’s just say that by the time he was through, I was totally winded from the conversation. I’ve never seen someone light it up like this.
Q - How is it that you can fart on command?
A - I expand my sphincter muscle, suck air into my colon and then blow it out to make the fart sound. I basically breathe with my ass, the French call it Petomania after Le Petoman but in England we call it Controlled Anal Voicing.
Q - How many farts can you let out in a minute?
A - About 60, that’s one per second.
Q - Have you ever tried too hard and shit your pants?
A - Yes I did once, forgot to clear my throat before a show and ended up catching a bear in the net. It was at a Hen Party in Hyde, Cheshire, UK, many years ago.
Q - How did you first discover this talent?
A - It all started quite by accident at the tender age of fifteen. I was practicing the Full Lotus position encouraged by my Yoga loving sister when I discovered the ability to breathe both fore and aft, so to speak. The next day I gave a lunch time performance for a group of friends in the squash courts at Ryles Park County High School, Macclesfield, Cheshire, England. I think twenty rapid fire rasping farts in under a minute was the order of the day, quite an achievement and so popular was it that this became a regular event, swelling my pocket money reserves.
Q - What made you decide to take this talent public?
A - Thatcherism. Maggie (Margaret Thatcher) was telling us (UK citizens) that the old economic model of working for a large manufacturing industry as an employee was dead. Small was beautiful and we were all to be little self employed business people making the most of our God given talents to earn a crust and so that’s what I did.
Q - Who are your farting heroes?
A - Not sure if I have any, I mean there aren't loads of us around (professional Farters that is). I do like Fartman’s creator Howard Stern, he understands English humor and the concept of understatement and irony in comedy. He's a funny guy but most importantly he's a good bloke.
Q - W hat is your diet like?
A - I eat very healthy, lots of fruit and vegetables but diet isn't important beyond the fact that what I do is physical and so I need to be healthy like a sportsman or woman.
Q - Is your farting something you use to pick up women?
A – It’s better that they know what I do beforehand as some people cannot see beyond the Mr. Methane character and if it’s revealed to them later rather than earlier, well they have difficulties coming to terms with it.
Q - Should we not try this at home?
A - Only in a well ventilated room.
Q - Anything else?
A - Yes my Merry Methane CD is the ultimate Christmas present, available online at www.mrmethane.com. It’s the gift you can buy for people you don’t like as well as those you do.
Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."
By Jason Tanamor