"There's a reason it's called T.V. Land."

By Michael Angelo

I wish I lived in a sitcom or television drama. Life is so much easier on network programming than in the real world. Here are ten examples:

1) In T.V. Land, it is possible to have a crystal clear conversation in a crowded dance club without having to shout over ultra loud trance music. As a matter of fact, women can whisper gossip to each other while leaning against a giant vibrating woofer; that’s how considerate T.V. deejays are as they spin records at reasonable decibel levels.

2) When sitting at a bar, television characters decide to leave seconds after a new round of drinks is set down on their coasters. This may sound innocent. Perhaps they were no longer thirsty but they depart without paying for the ordered drinks. Meanwhile, the bartender thinks nothing of it. He doesn’t confront the deadbeats in the parking lot, nor does he signal a bouncer to tackle them near the door. I wish my bartender could be so understanding.

3) T.V. Land shoppers always have exact change. Look closely and you’ll notice they never require money back following a purchase (nor a receipt). This leads me to believe that T.V. Land is a coin free zone where all prices are rounded up to the nearest whole dollar. Very convenient.

4) When traveling the streets of T.V. Land, an actor will erratically shift the steering wheel one inch to each side, repeatedly, even though he is driving along a perfectly straight path. You’d think such an odd method of navigation would cause the car to veer off course, but that’s not the case. The driver will also turn his head away from the road for 7 or 8 seconds to focus on his passenger while engaging him in conversation. At no point do these daredevil maneuvers cause our reckless duo to end up in a ditch off the side of the road.

5) In T.V. Land, restaurant seating is always located in a quiet secluded corner, far away from noisy diners. Never will your table be in an inconvenient spot, like near a bathroom or by the waitress station. If you are on a first date, the benefits increase tenfold. A vine covered partition will enclose your table on three sides offering maximum privacy to plan a post date rendezvous.

6) In T.V. Land, women have no qualms about undressing directly in front of an open window as peeping toms spy on them with telescopes. At night, they refuse to turn off lights and they don't lower the shade before stripping down to their designer thongs. Sometimes they nearly climb out onto the window’s ledge to remove a blouse. This is the number one reason I want to live in T.V. Land.

7) If a television program features apartment dwellers, the camera will pan up to the top floor, giving viewers the impression that the characters live in the most expensive suites high above the vagrants and lowlifes. Doesn't anybody in T.V. Land, besides Laverne & Shirley, live in basements anymore? How did Joey Tribbiani and Rachel Green afford their huge upper level New York City apartments on such low salaries? Perhaps the T.V. version of Manhattan pays competitive wages to coffee house waitresses and unemployed community theater actors.

8) In T.V. Land, there is no such concept of a home invasion. This is evident by a homeowner’s audacity to answer the doorbell without asking who’s there, even if they live in the shadiest part of town. They ignore the peephole and refuse to peek through curtains. That’s how safe T.V. Land is.

9) This is the most intriguing example of all. Apparently there is a second language in T.V. Land that everyone understands. The language is known as "knock."

I'll explain.

The following scenario usually takes place in office buildings with glass corridors. Someone tries to get the attention of his co-worker, who happens to be on the other side of the partition, by knocking on the glass three times. We'll call the co-worker Bob. Bob is the perfect T.V. name. There might be upwards of ten or twenty people hanging around Bob, but somehow they remain oblivious to the knock as they continue reading financial statements or talking among themselves. Bob is the ONLY person who will curiously turn toward the knock as if he was expecting it all morning. Or perhaps "knock" is a language in T.V. Land, and three hard thumps against the glass translates to, "Bob, please turn around."

10) Inhabitants of T.V. Land even eat healthier than us real life slobs. Proof of this can be found when they enter the doorway carrying a bag of groceries. There are usually green leafy vegetables protruding from the top of the bag, along with a loaf of bread.

How can this be? I bagged groceries in high school. Real world food shoppers will give death stares to a bag boy until he has carefully packed the bread, preferably in its own bag, separate from any heavy items that might squash the bread, especially a large stalk of celery or a weighty head of Iceberg lettuce. Shoppers are overly protective of their frail grain based products. They care more about their bread than for the well being of their own children.

But everyone is laid back and carefree in T.V. Land. Oh how I wish I resided there.


Michael Angelo is a Connecticut based accountant. In his spare time he hosts a humor blog that is universally read, assuming that your definition of universal is two Canadian housewives and a schizophrenic man who claims to speak telepathically with the Sultan of Brunei. Visit Michael Angelo at www.myspace.com/humorwriter or contact him at bikemike101@hotmail.com. All income tax related questions will be answered incorrectly for personal amusement.

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Anonymous said...

Hey, I read you. The dirty pirate hooker from the caribbean no longer counts? Bastard.

Nice Michael. TV Land sounds like my kind of place. Do they have babysitters?


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